Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. It was therapy day aka crying into cake day. today I felt completely ripped open and I try not to get too emotional in therapy because I know when the tears start to fall I won’t be able to make them stop and I want to be able to absorb everything the therapist is saying, I won’t be able to do that if I was crying. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but I don’t make sense. So instead I go to a coffee shop get myself a coffee and some cake, find a corner to write a bit and allow myself to cry. Today was different though, a few soft tears turned into gut-wrenching sobbing when I got home. I also spoke to my partner when I got home about therapy for like 2 hours. It was hard to see him get upset because I was upset as he just wants to fix it but he knows he can’t. Even though today was hard and my eyes are sore and swollen from crying it, was worth it, as I know starting to understand my mind a bit more and how the past has affected me.
So what did I learn today?
I learned my inner child takes a lot of space inside my head because she is crying out for attention, for love and protection. I am going to have to learn to parent myself in a nurturing way instead of a critical way. I have learned that I can’t try to fix the past in the present and to acknowledge my feelings by accepting it is ok to feel the way I do. I need to be the hero my inner child has been looking for, and I can’t find in other people. They can love me and care for me but they can’t parent me and be my hero. My inner child really needs a fucking hug and I working on be that person who can be there for her and tell her things will be ok. I know my past has a stronghold on me no matter how much I have tried to shake it off, and it has been my inner child who has been the one suffering because of this. I will be ok, it hurts at the moment but I will be ok.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. You got to love anxiety, it is like you are finally feeling some positivity and the bitch of anxiety comes up behind you and gives you a massive kick in the back. Fun times!
I know this is just a setback and I won’t let it stop me from moving forward, I just wish this anxiety shit storm in my mind would just fuck off!
We are all a fucking work in progress!
we all can be fuck ups at times, we say things we shouldn’t and do things we shouldn’t and make the same mistakes more then once or twice. We are just doing the best we can. Instead of trying to get people to give you a chance or to understand that you are trying your best, how about using that energy on yourself. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and understand that shit can be hard and how can you expect people not to judge you if you can’t stop judging yourself.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too, as you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I feel so emotional at the moment and I am trying to push the walls back that are closing in on me by working through my emotions as best as I can. It is like everywhere I turn there is a reminder of what is fucking with my head which then makes me feel so weak. “You will never be good enough” is on a loop inside my mind and I just wish that I could ignore it but it is not so easy. The thing is I don’t want to sound like a broken record anymore, I want to see myself rise above this. The problem with that is depression is like quicksand, you don’t always see it coming no matter how cautious you are and once you step foot in it you are stuck, it not so easy to pull yourself out of it and sometimes you need a helping hand to get out.
I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to feel so fucking broken anymore. I want my power back.
Taking the power back!
It is not so easy to deal with depression or anxiety or mental illness in general, it can feel like your triggers hold your power. Which can make you feel so scared of this fucking world. Never knowing whether something will trigger you or not and end up overthinking the situation and triggering yourself.
These days triggers are everywhere because of social media creating new types of anxiety that didn’t exist twenty plus years ago, that’s fucked up when you think about it. Our parents and grandparents didn’t worry about the perfect selfie or upsetting family members or friends on Facebook because you didn’t tag them in a post. We are living in a world that feeds off anxiety and I’ve got enough issues I don’t need to add anymore.
We need to take the power back. You are fucking enough, it doesn’t matter how many likes your posts have. You are worthy of love, it doesn’t matter how many followers you have. You deserve to live not just exist in this world. Take the power back.
I am going to end this post with a great song that is in my playlist for when things get a little too much.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. it is only Tuesday and I already feel done with this week, I have a feeling I say that a lot. It’s just work is really doing my freaking nut in at the moment, too many things to list why, but mainly I hold people to my standard and I really shouldn’t. I have to accept that there are people in this world that are just twats and there is nothing I can do to change it apart from learning to deal with it better. To be honest, I should be used to this, I have come across some right twats in my life so far and I should have learned by now not to let their twatty behavior get to me. The problem is I am sensitive and I also can be hot-headed. I have to remember though, sometimes the best reaction to twats is no reaction.
So as you can see not the best start to the week but I am hopeful things will get better, I do think because I don’t work Wednesdays, it is a great midweek opportunity to give my batteries a bit of a charge and focus on the things that have been bothering me. I have the perfect chance to turn this week around and kick the bitch of anxiety out of my mind.
Today I want to share with you a drawing and the story behind it that I have been working on these past few days. Love destroyed my heart.
It has taken me a long time to realize that I didn’t understand love, I saw it as something that destroyed things and left people weak and scarred. Love to me was something that was used as a weapon and that there was no such thing as unconditional love because as easily love could fill your heart it was just as easy for it to go and leave your heart feeling hollow. I saw love destroy the people around me as well as myself so why would I want that for myself? Love just bought nothing but pain, the pain of loved ones leaving me, the despair I felt for not being able to love myself and the confusion for not being able to receive love when given to me. Love has twisted and turned my life in many directions and I now see that this is where I was meant to be. Even though I thought love left me a long time ago I have actually been putting my heart back together one piece at a time. There is no longer a black hole where my heart used to be.
The funny thing it was love that got helped me heal, I am starting to see that I am deserving of love and not only from others but from myself.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. So last week I didn’t end the week on a good shit and bad shit list because I have been having a bad time with my uveitis and I’m on some new drops which have made my eyes feel like they have been rubbed with sandpaper. Onwards and upwards as they say. I have decided I will try to document more on my social media about my journey with chronic pan-uveitis and how it effects me daily so if you’re interested in that, please keep on eye out on my social media.
This week I really want to be more motivated in becoming more in tune with my mind and to try to not only do some self-care but also balance out my routine. I feel that when my routine is out of whack my mind follows. Even though I have to be careful with not overdoing it and triggering anxiety when something doesn’t go right with the routine, I need to at least try to add a bit more structure to my life. Whether it works or not in settling my anxious brain that’s another question but it is work a try!
Today I want to share with you a drawing I did about a month ago and the story that goes along with it.
The black cloud that floats above me.
I have a black cloud that follows me everywhere, every bad thing that has happened to me is stored there, every depressive thought is stored there and every anxious and manic thought is stored there. Every tear I have cried has comes from that black cloud and that black cloud is suffocating me. Maybe that black cloud was necessary a long time ago to help me process the bad shit that has happened to me and that it wasn’t just in my head, it was fucking real. Iti has also been the cause of many dark spisodes and fucked up thought processes in my life. It is a constant reminder that i am fucked up. Now I need the black cloud to let me go and live my life no longer being a victim but a survivor. I now need a new cloud that is full of hope and love and to show me during those dark times that I will be ok. It is not going to be easy to get rid of the dark cloud because, in a strange way that darkness is comforting as it is so familiar, I just know with ever step forward I make the cloud gets a little less black.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Being able to feel that me and my mind are no longer at war with one another at the moment feels pretty fucking good. I was getting to a point where I was waking up most days and just being bombarded with thoughts of, “you are not good enough’, ‘you will go nowhere”, “you are not loveable’. I felt like I was slowly being chipped away by my own mind and I just couldn’t get a handle on it. This is me not being cured of mental illness, no, this is me just not letting it dominate my life. I am still going to get anxiety I am still going to deal with the lows and highs of bipolar but I am just trying to deal with those moments better and learn to appreciate the happy days.Life isn’t peachy keen and there are still some major things that need to be dealt with but that will come with time.
One of the issues I need to deal with is:
One is the loneliest number.
I feel that throughout the years I have become more jaded by my connections with people. I have been hurt by people who should never hurt you, had friendships crash and burn and just had people just walk away from me. It has made be enclose myself with so many walls and make me not to fully connect with people. This may have been a defence mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt but I still end up hurt in another way. Loneliness is awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I just go through times where I am like fuck there is no one around me and it is scary as fuck. Some of it down to my own actions and some is down to others. I am trying to now to not sit and wait for people to walk through the door and instead open the door for them and let people in. It is not easy to do this but I don’t want to be lonely anymore, I want connections to people and to feel that people want me around because they love me.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. This week I really made an effort to just see the bright side of life and as I didn’t want to carry bad vibration with me anymore. I was starting to feel like a dark cloud floating through life, casting a shadow on everything that I came into contact with. So this week I took some unusual steps to help me achieve some positivity. I am a believer in crystals and a friend at work gave me some spiritual advice about cleaning the air around me. So firstly I got a white candle and focused all the bad energy I have on it, all the bad shit that has happened to me and all the negative thoughts. After 5 minutes I lit the candle and let it burn and melt away all the negativity. Secondly, I got a glass jar and a small piece of paper and drew a cross on the paper. I said out loud that anyone who wishes upon me any bad things and negativity, was that cross on the paper, I then placed the paper in the jar and poured in white vinegar. Again out loud I said that the negativity that is being sent my way will leave a bitter taste in the mouth of those who wish it upon me and then place the closed jar in the freezer to freeze any negativity sent my way. I know this may sound like a bunch of Harry Potter mumbo jumbo and it may just be a placebo effect but honestly, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders.
So this is week’s good shit and bad shit.
• I have made the steps this week to be more positive and to not allow the negative energy that may be around drag me down.
.• I went to the gym after a 2-week break and even though there was some major anxiety I fought against.
• I started my tiny victories list again to help motivate me during the not so good days.
• I felt quite vulnerable this week and worried that people just put up with me. Thanks, anxiety.
• My body positivity is still at an all-time low.
This week there has been more good shit then bad shit and that may be down to some hocus pocus or just that I have made some good progress this week, either way, I am grateful for this good shit filled week.