Posted in mental health, Uncategorized

My dream is trying to tell me something.

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human.
I had the strangest of dreams last night, which is funny considering I have been getting more into dreams recently and the meaning behind them. So in this dream, my partner came home with my cousins baby, I remember thinking how weird because me and my cousin don’t really speak. My partner informs us we are babysitting and we decide to take the baby out for the day. I remember the baby was smiling and laughing at me and I was petrified of dropping her. Then while we are out I lose the baby and I am trying to get everyone to help me find the baby but no one wants to, as they kept saying it is your responsibitly, your fault and your problem. That’s all I can remember. I looked up babies in dreams and it means new opportunities and new beginnings and if the baby is happy then it means it is going to be full of joy. By me losing the baby in the dream means I am getting in my own way and that if I don’t stop self-sabotaging myself, then I may end up fucking up a new opportunity.
This dream freaked me out so much because I do feel like I am on the verge of something new and exciting but I am holding back because of my lack of self-belief. This is me all over, I have made the same mistakes over again and missed out on things because I literally step in my own way. How do I change a habit of a lifetime?
Honestly, I don’t know but what I do know is my subconscious and my conscious is trying to tell me it is time I let myself grow and to move the fuck out of my way.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose

Posted in mental health

Remember to breathe.

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. So today has been a little bit stressful and kind of sucked. I had bought some swimsuits and tried them on today which resulted in a breakdown made up of tears, tantrum, a lot of swear words and me threatening to not go on the holiday. This may seem like an overreaction to some people, but this is the anxiety train leaving the station and tooting the horn for all to hear. I was just bombarded with such negativity, and before I knew it I had bought my ticket and was sat on the anxiety train and on my way to panic attack town. Well, in the end, I did calm down and managed to turn the train around. I still have some anxiety and also I’m nervous as hell but I deserve this holiday, no, I need this holiday. As I am fucking tired physically and mentally and I need some type of escape from my world just for a little while.

So today’s tip of the day is –

Remember to breathe.

When I get really bad anxiety I do mainly two things and one of them is I hold my breath, this is just a physical reaction to what is going on around me. When there is so much going on in your head and around you it can feel like it is physically squeezing you. You can be under so much pressure and sooner or later that pressure can break you. So what I mean by remembering to breathe is I don’t just mean the actual meaning of breathing but finding a way of releasing that pressure. So whether that is talking to someone, taking a few days off work, doing some self-care or even having a social media break.
We are only human mental illness or not there is only so much we can take before it slowly starts breaking us. So remember to breathe and don’t feel like you have to take on everything because you are an adult and that is what adults do. Fuck that shit! You are an adult you decide when enough is enough not society.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

The magical question!

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. I have recovered from therapy and I am feeling ok, still having moments of flashbacks about the things we discussed and how being vulnerable has left me feeling icky all over. I kind of cocooned myself these last two days, as I just didn’t want to try and interact with the outside world while feeling this vulnerable. Today I left my cocoon and went to the gym and even though I didn’t last long there because I was quite anxious, I did it and that’s the main thing to focus on. I only seem to find it comfortable being vulnerable on here and it is so hard to do the same thing in the real world.
So today I am going to write about the big question we all ask ourselves. This question can bring us to tears, it can even put a smile on our faces. It can give you the best of days and the worst of days and also keep you up at night. This magical question can do all that and what is even more fucking magical about this question is sometimes it is just only one word! Yep, you read it right one word has the power of a thousand words. Can you guess what it is yet?
It is not who, what, when or where. So that leaves…

Why?

Why do I feel like this? Why me? Why did that happen? Why am I like this? Why can provoke so much thought and so many feelings because it is the ultimate question, but there is no ultimate answer. Why and the bitch of anxiety and the dark cloud of depression are like the three musketeers. When we get on that why train they jump on board to spice things up.
We may never know why to some of the questions that we ask ourselves, they might not be some great spiritual reason to why things happen, it could just be shit happens.
So why do we spend so much time on why? See it just snuck itself in because it can’t help itself. We are taught from a young age to ask why and most of the time we are given an answer but as we get older we ask why and we rarely get an answer which then creates more whys.
We may never know why and that scares the shit out of most of us, so now I try to just see it as shit happens good shit and bad shit and keep the why for why the fuck not!

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health, Uncategorized

Did I miss my exit?!

 

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I feel like someone has come along in the middle fo the night and turned me up to 1000. Do you ever feel like that?
Let me explain as best I can, my mind is thinking about everything and everyone, my emotions are so intense. It is like, my mind has turned into a bingo machine that is constantly turning and every now and then a thought or idea pops out. Aka, hello manic cycle! I am just so wired right now so hence some late-night writing. Someone once asked me what is worse, depression cycle, manic cycle or anxiety. Honestly, I don’t think I could answer that because they are all just so dffierent.
Right now I feel like my world has been flipped on its head again as I am having to be signed off work again and I am starting to feel like this keeps happening for a reason. I felt like I have been on the wrong path for a while now and maybe this is trying to tell me it is time to change my path.

Which brings me what is bothering me so much at the moment.

Did I miss my exit?!

I have had this heavy dark feeling that sends shivers down my spine, keeps me up at night and honestly scares the fucking shit out of me. Have I missed my chances? Have I run out of new opportunities? Have I just gave in to the fact that I am destined to just survive. I have spent so much of my life fight and mental illness and surviving my family and dealing with fucked up situations that I craved normality like a drug. I just wanted to feel settled. I think that drive to just feel settled and get on top of my mental health always kept me one step behind from everyone, which in turn has now left me feeling like I am a treadmill. I have pushed forward and forward and it hasn’t got me nowhere. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great partner and some great things in my life and I am so thankful for them, this is more to do with me. I feel like I have let my issues hold me back for so long and I am now so scared that I have missed my exit to a better path. I hid away for a long time, my issues just cocooned me and now I fear that I stayed cocooned for too long and I may have missed my chance at being a beautiful butterfly who managed to fly free from her issues.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

Love destroyed my heart.

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. it is only Tuesday and I already feel done with this week, I have a feeling I say that a lot. It’s just work is really doing my freaking nut in at the moment, too many things to list why, but mainly I hold people to my standard and I really shouldn’t. I have to accept that there are people in this world that are just twats and there is nothing I can do to change it apart from learning to deal with it better. To be honest, I should be used to this, I have come across some right twats in my life so far and I should have learned by now not to let their twatty behavior get to me. The problem is I am sensitive and I also can be hot-headed. I have to remember though, sometimes the best reaction to twats is no reaction.
So as you can see not the best start to the week but I am hopeful things will get better, I do think because I don’t work Wednesdays, it is a great midweek opportunity to give my batteries a bit of a charge and focus on the things that have been bothering me. I have the perfect chance to turn this week around and kick the bitch of anxiety out of my mind.
Today I want to share with you a drawing and the story behind it that I have been working on these past few days.
Love destroyed my heart.


It has taken me a long time to realize that I didn’t understand love, I saw it as something that destroyed things and left people weak and scarred. Love to me was something that was used as a weapon and that there was no such thing as unconditional love because as easily love could fill your heart it was just as easy for it to go and leave your heart feeling hollow. I saw love destroy the people around me as well as myself so why would I want that for myself? Love just bought nothing but pain, the pain of loved ones leaving me, the despair I felt for not being able to love myself and the confusion for not being able to receive love when given to me. Love has twisted and turned my life in many directions and I now see that this is where I was meant to be. Even though I thought love left me a long time ago I have actually been putting my heart back together one piece at a time. There is no longer a black hole where my heart used to be.
The funny thing it was love that got helped me heal, I am starting to see that I am deserving of love and not only from others but from myself.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

One is the loneliest number.

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Being able to feel that me and my mind are no longer at war with one another at the moment feels pretty fucking good. I was getting to a point where I was waking up most days and just being bombarded with thoughts of, “you are not good enough’, ‘you will go nowhere”, “you are not loveable’. I felt like I was slowly being chipped away by my own mind and I just couldn’t get a handle on it. This is me not being cured of mental illness, no, this is me just not letting it dominate my life. I am still going to get anxiety I am still going to deal with the lows and highs of bipolar but I am just trying to deal with those moments better and learn to appreciate the happy days.  Life isn’t peachy keen and there are still some major things that need to be dealt with but that will come with time.

One of the issues I need to deal with is:

One is the loneliest number.

I feel that throughout the years I have become more jaded by my connections with people. I have been hurt by people who should never hurt you, had friendships crash and burn and just had people just walk away from me. It has made be enclose myself with so many walls and make me not to fully connect with people. This may have been a defence mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt but I still end up hurt in another way. Loneliness is awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I just go through times where I am like fuck there is no one around me and it is scary as fuck. Some of it down to my own actions and some is down to others. I am trying to now to not sit and wait for people to walk through the door and instead open the door for them and let people in. It is not easy to do this but I don’t want to be lonely anymore, I want connections to people and to feel that people want me around because they love me.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose


xxx

Posted in mental health

Don’t waste your time.

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I am going through a thing at the moment where I can’t help come to the conclusion that I am the monster. What do all these bad things have in common… me. I know that I am probably overthinking things and that may be the case for most of it but I do believe that I have been molded by my past and the person that I am is not an easy person to get along with. I am cynical, moody, untrustworthy, sarcastic and that is not a positive mix at times. My partner is the opposite to me, he is laid back, calm, trusting and forgiving. This is where we can clash because he is not able to see things from my point of view and I am not able to see things from his but we can respect each others point of views. The things are I am starting to see that I am more damaged then I thought I was and that is not necessarily a bad thing though, it just means that there are things I need to pay attention too and learn that damaged doesn’t mean unloveable.

So today’s tip of the day is –

Don’t waste your time.

We have all been there, haven’t we, waiting for something to figure out. Whether it has been a relationship, a work situation or a personal situation, we can spend a lot of time sometimes just waiting. What happens though when you are waiting on something? Overthinking kick in, which then has a ripple effect by activating anxiety, depression, anger, and hopelessness. I am not saying if the situation is important to forget about it all together and move on, no what I am saying is that a watched pot never boils. Sometimes my I can trigger my anxiety and my depression by just overthinking a situation and instead of leaving that situation be. Sometimes we can make things worse by putting all of our focus on it. I certainly been guilty of putting too much focus on my anxiety or bipolar and end up having a rough time with it. We still need to live life to our fullest and how can we do that when we are using up all of our energy on things that don’t need our full energy at times.
Also when we step away from something that we are trying to figure out that break away or distraction from it may be the answer we were looking for or give us chance to find an answer or solution to that situation.
What I am trying to say don’t put your life on pause farthings that don’t necessarily need you to do that for a time is a precious thing.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx