Posted in mental health

Does anyone really have their shit together?


Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I think my inner emo has gone back to her dark hole to listen to my chemical romance and write some dark poetry, as this week I didn’t feel as emotional as I did towards the end of last week. I think Monday’s eye appointment was a big factor in me being able to push the bullshit aside and focus on me and what is laid in front of me. As it was confirmed on Monday that I will be having surgery on my eyes to help me in the long battle I have with this chronic case of pan-uveitis. I am glad that I am slowly getting somewhere but it will be a while before I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I realise now the stuff that happened at the end of last week, was just bullshit and if people were genuinely interested in being in my life then they would have made an effort a long time ago. I may struggle at times to see my self-worth but I do know I am worth more then what is being offered to me by certain people, I may not understand love but I am damn sure that what has been shown to me by certain people is not unconditional love.
Can we really build a bridge over the ashes of the ones that have been previously attempted to be built before and have failed, who the fucks know, I guess we shall see.
So today’s tip of the day is –
Does anyone really have their shit together?

Well, do they? If we asked everyone we knew in our lives to honestly answer if they had their shit together even ones who seem like they have, they wouldn’t be able to say wholeheartedly that they had their shit together. I don’t think it is possible. As we all have experienced times where an issue or situation has felt like it has popped up out of nowhere. Maybe it is not about having your shit together but about how you handle that shit.
We live a world where perfection is flaunted in our faces everywhere, thanks to social media. I think this is why there is so much stigma attached to mental illness or mental health issues, it is seen as a flaw and the person who has it is tainted. Which is so fucked up.
If you truly believe you have your shit together you are either lying to yourself or fucking extremely lucky and you should be playing the lottery. I don’t think there is any shame in not having your shit together because I think it is what makes us human and show us our strengths and weaknesses. So what you had toothpaste on your chin and didn’t notice till lunch time, so what you had to take a day off because you need a self-care day and so what you have no clue what you are doing most days as does anyone?!

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

One is the loneliest number.

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Being able to feel that me and my mind are no longer at war with one another at the moment feels pretty fucking good. I was getting to a point where I was waking up most days and just being bombarded with thoughts of, “you are not good enough’, ‘you will go nowhere”, “you are not loveable’. I felt like I was slowly being chipped away by my own mind and I just couldn’t get a handle on it. This is me not being cured of mental illness, no, this is me just not letting it dominate my life. I am still going to get anxiety I am still going to deal with the lows and highs of bipolar but I am just trying to deal with those moments better and learn to appreciate the happy days.  Life isn’t peachy keen and there are still some major things that need to be dealt with but that will come with time.

One of the issues I need to deal with is:

One is the loneliest number.

I feel that throughout the years I have become more jaded by my connections with people. I have been hurt by people who should never hurt you, had friendships crash and burn and just had people just walk away from me. It has made be enclose myself with so many walls and make me not to fully connect with people. This may have been a defence mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt but I still end up hurt in another way. Loneliness is awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I just go through times where I am like fuck there is no one around me and it is scary as fuck. Some of it down to my own actions and some is down to others. I am trying to now to not sit and wait for people to walk through the door and instead open the door for them and let people in. It is not easy to do this but I don’t want to be lonely anymore, I want connections to people and to feel that people want me around because they love me.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose


xxx

Posted in good shit and bad shit

Good shit and bad shit list and a bit of hocus pocus!

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. This week I really made an effort to just see the bright side of life and as I didn’t want to carry bad vibration with me anymore. I was starting to feel like a dark cloud floating through life, casting a shadow on everything that I came into contact with. So this week I took some unusual steps to help me achieve some positivity. I am a believer in crystals and a friend at work gave me some spiritual advice about cleaning the air around me. So firstly I got a white candle and focused all the bad energy I have on it, all the bad shit that has happened to me and all the negative thoughts. After 5 minutes I lit the candle and let it burn and melt away all the negativity. Secondly, I got a glass jar and a small piece of paper and drew a cross on the paper. I said out loud that anyone who wishes upon me any bad things and negativity, was that cross on the paper, I then placed the paper in the jar and poured in white vinegar. Again out loud I said that the negativity that is being sent my way will leave a bitter taste in the mouth of those who wish it upon me and then place the closed jar in the freezer to freeze any negativity sent my way. I know this may sound like a bunch of Harry Potter mumbo jumbo and it may just be a placebo effect but honestly, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders.
So this is week’s good shit and bad shit.

Good shit

• I have made the steps this week to be more positive and to not allow the negative energy that may be around drag me down.

.• I went to the gym after a 2-week break and even though there was some major anxiety I fought against.

• I started my tiny victories list again to help motivate me during the not so good days.

Bad shit

• I felt quite vulnerable this week and worried that people just put up with me. Thanks, anxiety.

• My body positivity is still at an all-time low.

This week there has been more good shit then bad shit and that may be down to some hocus pocus or just that I have made some good progress this week, either way, I am grateful for this good shit filled week.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

The road to nowhere.

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I was wondering today if there was a job out there where I could be in my pyjamas all day, do some arts and crafts and drink my body weight in tea and get paid for it. If anyone knows of such a thing please let me know as today was a doozy of a day. I really don’t get paid enough to do what I do and honestly, if I was appreciated more at where I work, the money wouldn’t matter. I know I have been moaning a lot at the moment and you are probably thinking either just quit or shut up but I’m an adult (well kind of), it is not that simple. I really wanted to stick this place out as my mental illness has affected jobs before and has meant I have moved from job to job and I really want to have a job where I could settle in for a long period, I guess I am hoping it will get better but I think I am just fucking kidding myself.
So enough of the moaning I am even rolling my own eyes at myself right now, time to move on to today’s blog post. As I stated in a previous blog post I wanted to do more posts based around my artwork, so today’s post is all about not knowing where the path your own may lead.

The road to nowhere.


mI didn’t realise that I have such control issues until about 2 years ago, until I sat down with a therapist and discussed my issues with anxiety and how angry and impatient it can make me. I remember thinking is this normal? Is it normal to lose my shit and get really bad anxiety when a bus is late or to get panic attacks when faced with the aspect of change? I remember the therapist then telling me a lot of anxiety is linked to fear of loss of control. Even though I can be the most disorganised person in the world I really don’t handle the chaos that well. I feel like an oxymoron. I feel that a lot of my anxiety at the moment is down to the lack of control I have on my future. Will I get pregnant, will my eyes get better, will I get married, will people accept me, will I get a new job and will I ever mend things with my family? Some of those things are out of my control and that scares the shit out of me. That fear is a welcome mat for anxiety which then causes me to just stop completely the path I am on, too scared to see where the next step will take. Will I take a new path or will I repeat the one that I am on? That anxiety is the reason why a lot of us feels that when we achieve anything it takes a long time and what might be a small step to someone without these issues it is a big one to us.
I guess it comes down to a leap of faith and or in my case a tiptoe of faith. We can make strides by taking small steps and if we let anxiety win there we are stuck in a place we don’t want to be.
Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

 

Posted in mental health

Not everything comes down to winners and losers.

 

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. This week has not started good, not bad, just breezy. I didn’t want to to say normal as my life and normal do not belong in the same sentence. Considering I was dreading going into this week considering I just had a week off and I have been questioning my career, I really feel I am starting to find my rhythm this week. A part of me feels like I am jinxing myself and the bitch of anxiety and the dark cloud of depression are rubbing their hands with glee while plotting a diabolic plan behind my back but that’s just typical me, I’m cynical.
I think when we are able to stop a mental illness and mental health conditions from having the spotlight in our lives, we really can shine in that spotlight. I’m just trying to live instead of just surviving the days, as I feel I have wasted so much time in just getting by the skin of my teeth. I am fully aware that this doesn’t mean I am cured of bipolar and anxiety and my other issues, no, this is me just accepting that those things do not have to dominate my existence.
Today’s tip of the day is


Not everything comes down to winners and losers.
Life is not about success, mental illness is not a competition and tea is the best drink in the world. These are a few of my opinions, you may not agree with them but does that make them wrong or right?
In your eyes, you could think what I say on here is a big pile of garbage but others may not. I don’t claim to be a know it all (no matter what my boyfriend thinks), I am just one human with an opinion. Opinions are like the farts of the world, poof there is another one and another. Some are good and some are so bad they stink up the internet. We all have them and we have all dealt with people whose farts, no, I mean opinions have completely clashed with our own. That doesn’t always mean there has to be a wrong or right person in that situation.
If we can just try to learn to respect other peoples farts, shit sorry opinions, then maybe we could learn something from it, even if the lesson is that opinion is fucked up and you are so glad it is not in your head.
Mental illness and mental health have an endless amount of opinions about them these days and some of them are some right stinkers but there are also some ingenious ones. We can’t control the opinions of others but we can learn to control how we let them affect us.
Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

One person’s island.

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I’m back! I have had a few days away camping and also took a few days away from my blog because I felt that I needed to press the mini reset button. I was starting to get to a point where I was not enjoying it anymore and putting too much pressure on myself when there didn’t need to be. So now I am back in my happy place and excited by the ideas I have had for some posts and also excited to share them with you. I really want to start blending some of my art with my blog posts as a lot of my artwork are the emotions that I struggle to put into words. So why not start with this one!

One person’s island.


We all have our coping mechanisms and defense mechanisms, which are usually formed by trauma. Whether the traumatic event was physical, mental or both it will cause a reaction that will then bury itself within a person.
For me, I put myself on an island so no one can hurt me and the island is a place where I’m free but also trapped at the same time. The island may feel safe but it’s lonely. I usually end up at the island when I am being faced with a social situation, I feel that my lack of trust and lack of understanding of unconditional love is what drives me there. I am living in a world where the people around me have chosen not to be around me. They are colleagues, my partner’s friends and family and my the last remaining family members I have contact with. I struggle to see that those people are not stuck with me but generally like me and that fear of rejection puts me on my island. I wish I found it easier to let people in and not panic whenever I am facing a social situation and I honestly don’t know when I will stop going to my island. I feel when I’m there I have control and no one can judge me because I won’t let them come close enough to do that. I wish that one day I won’t feel like a burden to people but someone in which they are thankful to have in their lives. I wish that one day I will build a bridge to my island and not be scared about who is stepping on it.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in good shit and bad shit

Good shit and bad shit!

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Here we are Sunday evening and I am heading back to work tomorrow after a lovely week off and honestly, I am just trying not to wish the days away to get to the weekend again. I feel like I have reached a dead end in my career and I am ready to turn around and do something new. I have started to see that my job is bad mental health, even though I love what I do I don’t love the care industry for disabled and vulnerable people as I feel it is quite corrupt and honestly it is getting harder to deal with that fact. One of the reasons I do this blog is the same as why I chose t do the job I do, I want to make a positive influence in this world whether I help 1 person or 1000 people. I have some reflecting to do and some decision making of what my next move is going to be.
On reflection, though this week has mainly been positive and it has given me some well needed time to not just reflect on my job but on my life and what I want out of it and how I need to stop getting in my own way. I have been a victim of circumstances now for so long and I don’t want to be a victim anymore, I want to be a survivor, I want to be a warrior.
So let’s close this week with my good shit and bad shit for the week.
Good shit
• I had a great time camping in my happy place away from home with my partner, it gave us time to just be with one another as he is not just my partner he is my best friend and he can make me laugh my ass off.
• I did some socialising this weekend and even though I had the usual case of the bitch of anxiety on my back I chose not to listen and enjoy the time with some great people.
• I feel like I am getting my motivation, drive, spark, mojo whatever you want to call it back. I don’t know how to describe it other than a feeling that I think things will be alright I can do this shit that we call life.
Bad shit
• My body confidence is seriously lacking and it is not lonely driving me crazy but my partner as well.
• This week I have come to the conclusion that I am lonely because I don’t let people in and push people away out of fear that they will hurt me. I have got to work on the relationships in my life as I am not alone.

So more good shit this week and that just shows you that even though has been some bad shit this week that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad week.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

xxx