Day One of Joy

bb club

Hi all 🙂

So today was the day one of the joy puzzles. For those who don’t know, the joy puzzle is me trying to bring back the joy in my life one piece at a time. Once I build up more pieces hopefully I will be able to build a bigger picture of how to feel joy again and have that feeling stay.

Well today, because it was such a beautiful day and my day off I thought I would go and sit at the park by my house since I don’t have a garden, the joys of apartments :(. Since that idea popped into my head my anxiety decided to be part of that decision.Typical anxiety being a DIVA and wanting to part of everything that I do, always asking questions like, your know people will see you? and it’s hot outside your going to sweat you know that? Will people laugh at you know that, right? and my favorite question your summer body won’t be ready for at least 10 more years if you’re lucky you know this right? Because my anxiety butted in, it sent me into a turmoil of what to wear to cover up as much as I can and not be too hot, what fits me? where are my sunglasses? So I don’t have to look at anyone. This went on and on for hours sadly of me debating and arguing with myself about going.

There is one thing I know and that is I am a bit of a diva myself and today an even bigger diva than anxiety as I won 🙂 So after changing outfits a few times ok ok a lot of times, I had my phone fully charged, a book, blanket, water and sunglasses I was ready to go.        I made my way to the park at three and found myself a spot in the corner and tried to relax. It took me a good 10 minutes before I even started to relax but with the sun soaking into my skin and the escapism the book I was reading provided, I soon started to relax. Anxiety didn’t totally leave me alone now and then it would speak up. For instance,  if someone came too close to me my anxiety would say ” they are laughing at you Vicky” “you don’t belong here, Vicky “. For once though I didn’t listen I was too proud of myself for being here and was determined nothing was going to ruin this moment.

Well apart from my bladder, as after 2 hours and a bottle of water my bladder was soon telling me to head home. I couldn’t hide the smile on my face as I walked home. I can’t believe I did it I thought. I am wearing a dress outside and with people, round me, I didn’t run home screaming I felt like air punching. If I weren’t too scared of flashing my knickers and of course fearing if someone would have seen it, I so would of but I guess mentally air punching will do for now.

The best parts of today were I didn’t give in to anxiety I made it outside and joined the society. Also, it was so lovely to see young children playing in the park like I used to maybe technology isn’t completely ruining them. The worst part of the day is that I didn’t completely get rid of my anxiety for the day it was always there at the back of my mind reminding me now and then. I guess that’s two against one though, so that means the first puzzle added bring on much more :). Even though there is a chance I may overthink it later I still did it and it brought me joy 🙂

Thank you for reading 🙂

P.S the top picture is from one of my favorite films The Breakfast Club 🙂

P.P.S me at the park 🙂



The Puzzle of Emotions





Hi again 🙂


So it’s taken me a little longer to write a new post and the reason behind that is I have been struggling with my depression. Kind of dug myself in a deep hole and I couldn’t get out. Also with what happens in the last few days in Manchester broke my heart, those poor innocent people. I had to come off social media for a bit because of the constant bad news, mixed with fear and hatred, my mind couldn’t take it. I started questioning myself!

I fight every day to keep my head above water to survive because it can’t always be like this, can it?

This world – is it worth living for? Once all the stories came forward of superheroes (yes I said superheroes) that is what those people are. The people who helped in whatever way they could by offering shelter, lifts, and comfort, anything they possibly could. That is what made me start believing in hope again and started my climb back up this hole.


So after a difficult week you know what I realized, I realized that I hadn’t laughed in a long time. I hadn’t let joy in; it was like my body was just turning joy into negativity. Well, that was it I thought, I needed to bring humor back into my life, but how?

Watching a funny film was a temporary fix but that soon wore off. Went for a jog, again the same thing the joy didn’t last long. Ate my weight in chocolate; now that was good but then came the guilt. The back and forth was sending my emotions into a spin, so now I’m emotionally dizzy instead of depressed; I cant win!

So frustrating! I am 28 and I can’t control the simplest motions. This made me think though; maybe those bits of joy weren’t really gone, maybe they were just part of the very big puzzle that is my life. Maybe it was showing me that I am still capable of joy, that’s the point. Through the darkest of days, there is still a part of me that wants to be happy and that’s what I hold on to because I like to think when I’m not going through this turmoil I am quite a funny person. Yes, I am one of those people who laugh at my own jokes.


They say we have to get through the bad to get to the good, but why though? Some say its religion that God is testing us or punishing us. How is that fair?

Well lucky me! Can I finish the test now please because I get nervous during tests so I‘m going to fail? Because I am going through a bad time I’m going to set myself a challenge to keep myself occupied and help me at the same time. Each day I am going to do one small thing that brings me joy and add that piece to the puzzle and write about it each time so prepare for my first daily blogs.


Thank you for reading and I must say the response I have had from starting this blog has been inspiring and kind and I hope you enjoy what is to come. Take care everyone.

Only Human

never too late


Hi again 🙂


I didn’t think it would be possible I have so much I want to share and say but I have writer’s block eurgh!!! Even though I have depression and anxiety it doesn’t define who I am. I am still me I like to see the funny side to life whenever I can. Have you to right? Some people call depression the black dog or the black cloud me I call it the pain in my ass. One day I can go to bed feeling good then wake up feeling completely empty inside. Like seriously did something come along and suck the joy out when I was asleep did my snoring not put it off? So when I do eventually drag myself out of bed looking like an extra from the walking dead I look in the mirror and it’s me not looking back anymore. My green eyes no longer sparkle, my smile irritates me too much gum not enough teeth and don’t get me started on my hair (dry and greasy how is that possible!). Well, that’s where it starts and then it’s not about my outward appearance it’s on the inside I’m not smart enough I failed in life I am not a good person. Do you see it’s a runaway train I can’t help myself, which makes me feel even worse I know what is going on but I can’t stop it?


I am scared that I have lost who I am in the fog. Am I the person when the black cloud isn’t above me? I am the person who struggles to look in the mirror, to be around other but also scared of my own thoughts? I am the person who puts the mask on and smiles and tells people that I am ok when I am not??

Who am I??

Well, I am only human. Don’t we all feel lost at times don’t we all pretend to be something we are not at some point in our life’s? Some people are better at hiding it than others but I guess I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.


I am learning to let go of the anger I have for the people who should see this battle I was going through at such a young age as they are only human.

So this is a letter to me not to the past or future but to me on my darkest days because no one can tell me they won’t end.


Dear me/Vicky/Victoria


You are having one of those days again, aren’t you? The light is so far away now that it just looks like a distant star in the night sky. You are not making yourself any better by listening to the same songs over and over again. Vicky, you need to live you need to move forward because who can you aspect people to help you if you can’t help yourself. Stop lying stop telling people what they want to hear because that feeling of loneliness will just get worse. Even if they don’t understand and walk away you have tried. I know it’s difficult letting people in but you’re stuck in such a vicious cycle you need to break it at some point. I know what you’re thinking, as I am you and yes you are scared of your own thoughts but you need to let people care. It’s not too late Victoria, yes I called you that because you need to listen for once in your life. The world will never be what you accepted but that is ok the world is not filled with rainbows and butterflies. Hold on to the good, dance in the kitchen when no one is happy to act out your favorite musicals, watch dirty dancing over and over again even though it annoys the hell of people who cares! Don’t be ashamed to get lost in a good romance book because we all need saving at some point in our life. Yes, you are no angel I know that and this is not punishment for the bad things you have done in life stop thinking that, as it will eat you alive. We are not going to get the answers you want from your family you can’t change what is done. It’s now in your hands to move forward no one else. Hey I know stupid I know you are stubborn as hell and won’t even listen to yourself but I believe in us I believe we can get our happy ending.


Keep dreaming Vicky one day at a time.

My Vicious Cycle (no pun intended)



Hi again welcome back 🙂

I have touched upon the environmental factors that have influenced my mental health so I thought I would share about the medical factors that influence it. I am going to share my journey with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).

For those of you who don’t know what that is, I will explain. Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is a condition in which a woman’s levels of the “sex hormones” Oestrogen and Progesterone are out of balance. This leads to the growth of ovarian cysts (benign masses on the ovaries).

PCOS can affect a woman’s menstrual cycle, fertility, cardiac function, and appearance. Some of the symptom’s of PCOS is irregular periods, weight gain, cysts of the ovaries, difficulty getting pregnant (because of irregular ovulation or failure to ovulate), excessive hair growth usually on the face, chest, back or buttocks, thinning hair and hair loss from the head and oily skin or acne. So there is some of the medical jargon out the way.


Without giving you the gruesome unnecessary details, like most girls I started my journey into the valley of the mood swings and hot water bottles at 13. Oh, I remember the tears from my mom, the little goody bag of treats and pads, even my sister was nice to me.

It seemed like smooth sailing once a month, for a few days mild cramps, chocolate craving, I can deal with that. How wrong I was! I think it was normal for about a year and then hell broke lose. I started passing out on periods and the pain was immense.

I don’t blame my mom for thinking I was just being dramatic as I was still new to all this. It wasn’t until the weight started to creep on and my monthlies were getting so bad I got sent home from school. My mom took some advice from a nurse friend to get me to the doctors.

So how does this affect my mental health I hear you ask. Well, when you start putting on weight and being bullied at school it’s not the best combination. When you start passing out in public, I just started to avoid going out.

So this added to the stress. My confidence was just getting lower and lower, made me think why me! They do say there is a link between PCOS and depression as it’s a hormone imbalance. I already felt so different to other girls my age and this just added to it.

Anyway, I got took to the doctors and all my doctor did be give me stronger painkillers, wouldn’t investigate further. Sadly I think this condition helped drive a wedge between me and my Mom, she was already strict on my eating habits as I was bigger than my siblings. It felt like I had a bully at school and a bully at home. I won’t go into too many details as I think I want to write a separate blog about my Mom and me. So I just learned to live with it, dreading when they came around each month. So it wasn’t until I was 17 nearly 18 that all changed. At 17 I had my first boyfriend, things weren’t all bad for a change and then unexpectedly I got pregnant which wasn’t straightforward. I had a burst ectopic pregnancy!

Again I want to save that story for another time.

Sadly the repercussions of this event also affected my mental health, I had never felt so lonely and isolated from everyone and it’s something I never opened up about for 10 years. It was after this my Dad got private health care for his family and I went straight to the doctors and got referred to see if I had PCOS. Finally, I had my answers! I was diagnosed with PCOS. That was it I was put on the pill and left to it. It was up to me to do the research to learn about the other symptoms.


So fast forward a few years, other symptoms have started to show and sometimes I can get control of it, sometimes I can’t. So why I think this has affected my mental health is because not only does this affect the outside of my body, but also the inside. I have zero confidence sometimes because I hate how big I can get; I only have to smell a McDonalds and boom! 2 stone put on.

I fear going out in public and doing normal things like going to the hairdressers to even eat out. I am scared people are going to judge me by my outside appearance. My anxiety can go through the roof as I spent years of people not believing me and judging me; when I know now it’s not my fault.

I fear the future more and more as people my age are having kids but what if I can’t? That clock seems to tick louder and louder. Like anxiety and depression, I shouldn’t let this condition control me but I just can’t help it sometimes. I have the reminders when I work so hard on a diet but the weight is still there. When a friend announces the pregnancy, the sadness kicks in. When the pain is so immense that I miss days from work it makes me feel like a failure. It’s a vicious cycle of PCOS, depression, and anxiety. Sometimes I feel there is no break from it but I still remain hopeful.


I believe this condition is part of the black clouds above my head and I fight to see the sun shine through.

The calm in the storm



Hi again welcome back! Thank you for reading 🙂


So I believe I have achieved so much progress with my anxiety and depression but when I have a bad few days it’s so easy to forget those achievements. So I thought I would write myself a reminder.


You beat self-harming!


I probably self-harmed for about 10 years if I was honest with myself. It wasn’t just one day I just decided to do it. I was a very confused, angry, broken 13-year-old. I was going to school at a battleground and coming home to one. I just wanted the pain inside to stop. It scared me how quickly I had got good at it. I knew the places no would see I knew how to do it without permanent scarring I probably only have a handful of scars from it now. The funny thing is I don’t regret doing it because it was a lesson I had to learn that I am stronger then I thought I was. Now and then I still get the urge when I am upset and stressed but so far so good for the past 5 years I have managed to resist that urge.


You let people in again


I haven’t had much faith in people and to me, sadly also blood is not always as thick as water. I have been let down by people who are supposed to care about me and love me no matter what. Friends and family have turned their back on me and used my weaknesses against me. I am starting to let that go though I am starting to let people slowly back in again and build bridges with people and form new friendships. I had to stop judging people of my present from the people in my past.


You have been honest


The day I went to healthy minds and had an assessment was the day I owed up to a fact I am suffering from depression and anxiety and I have some serious issues. I am now very forward with people and most of the people I have relationships now know. I had to be honest with myself and to others and stop hiding behind that wall of everything is ok. Since being honest I do have a better understanding of my issues and how to face them head on.



This is only a short blog as I am still dealing with my problems and so I hope one day in the future this list will a lot longer. I have hope for the first time in years that one day I will be ok. So if you were to write a list of things you are proud of yourself for achieving what would it be? Give it a go and look back on it during those bad days.



Every story has a beginning…

Before you read this,before i posted this i went on to Instagram and saw this and it was perfect.if-i-waited-for

Yes, I have anxiety and depression; does it defy me? No, it doesn’t. It has shaped the person I have become. I have had cognitive behavior therapy as I am trying to reprogram my thought process. So for people who know about CBT or don’t, you have to start at the root causes. I thought it would be a good idea to tackle one of my root causes for anxiety on this blog… I’m going to write a letter to my 10-year-old self.


So I will set the scene a little bit.


So the 10-year-old me was a carefree, funny and popular (yes I said popular) girl. Like most girls that age I was obsessed with the Spice Girls and no one called me Vicky back then, it was Victoria. I ruled the playground! You want a game to be invented, come to me! You want to ask a boy to be your boyfriend for the week, come to me, you want a super awesome dance routine made up, come to me! I had it all I went to birthday parties, everyone wanted to come to mine. It was a great time, not a care in the world. Then that all changed within days.

A new girl started, well she wasn’t new to me she was my next-door neighbor. We used to be best friends how great it was to have a girl my age live next door to me until a silly falling out that escalated and got our family’s involved. I’m not saying this girl came to this school to knock me off my pedestal we were 10 years old. Who has time to plan something like that when there are dance routines to plan? (You will soon realize I loved dance routines) But that’s exactly what she did…


Dear my 10-year-old slightly narcissistic self,

Firstly what shall I call you Victoria or Vicky I know no ones call you Vicky yet but you’ll soon learn to hate being called Victoria so I will call you Vicky. So we got that sorted, how are you?

You are getting to the end of year 6, the big school soon I know you’re excited because I’m you. What a year it’s been how things can change in a year. At least there are still good things, you have the Spice Girls but a little tip from the future, stop sticking the crisp packets with their faces on your wall it’s just weird what is wrong with you? Seriously stop it! Also, your brother doesn’t give you back your baby spice postcard no matter how much he promises but you don’t want it back though, trust me.

So things are hard at the moment aren’t they Vicky. You feel like you got the weight of the world on your shoulders and your only 10! You have gone from being the queen of the playground to no one wanting to be your friend. I want to tell you things get better Vicky but I’ll be lying to you. Instead of feeling excited for the day ahead with your friends you are now scared to step foot in there. What you are going through is called bullying and yes you made mistakes but what kid doesn’t? You don’t deserve what you went through. She took your friends and also some of your innocence, she took your rose tinted glasses off and you see the world as it truly is. How can someone who used to be your friend do this to you, you ask yourself? Was it jealousy? Was it vindictive (being mean on purpose) I’m afraid you will never know? I know you ask yourself; what did you do wrong? Well, Vicky, there was one thing. Why oh why did you think it would improve this situation by going to school with a notebook and sit in the playground and write a list of people who have wronged you? Really, Vicky, it was stupid yes you were popular but did you think that would get your friends back? So there you are sitting in the corner writing your list; plotting your revenge on those kids and they see you (yes you’re not invisible). What did you think would happen? Would they read it and apologize? Be your friend again and things would go back to the way they were?

That doesn’t happen but it’s ok. Yes, you are slightly weird, I want to tell you its ok to be different and you are who you are.

I wish I could help you understand that you don’t want to be one of the crowds, to love you for you, but I know it’s too late. Just remember this though, yes school is hard and I’m afraid it only gets harder. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.


You embrace music and reading and let that be your escape. You’re a very talented singer even if you don’t believe it now. Your love for books will always stay with you and those girls, well they are your past and you can’t change what they did. But hold your head up high Vicky and smile. There will still be good times, you have the best Nan who lives opposite your school that loves you for you and plays countdown with you every day even though you cheat! (Yes I’m you remember I know you cheat). One day it will all be worth it, you will have friends and lose friends again, but there are friends who stay with you through good and bad. So I better let you get back to tap dancing in your room on the broken cupboard door (you are so bloody special) and you don’t know any bad words right now but I want to teach you one. Go tell those girls to eat S***!!!


Later loser (only I can call you that because I’m you)


P.S. You still do the best Irish jig to that bewitched song.


So this was when the bullying started for me and then sadly it went on for years. For me, though this is when my anxiety started. The headaches from overthinking about what’s going to happen the next day. The fear of “I can’t control this situation”.

I just wanted it to stop, but it never did. It was hard for me to understand why it was happening,; I was just a kid. Sadly this affected me, I didn’t trust people anymore!

I never had another birthday party again after my 11th, when 6 people shown up! It was like I was forced to grow up and not see the world like normal kids with rose tinted glasses. I saw the pain and ugliness and it scared me!

I would like to say I am over this now but it shaped who I am and it will always be part of the reason why I struggle with making friends and trusting them. It’s like I have my 10-year-old self in my head every time saying they don’t like you I bet they are laughing at you, not with you. I have to block it out, I have no choice because I now know there are people out there who like me for me.


Shopping can be a horror

So I thought my first blog could be a little a bit about my history and why I think I am the way I am. But then I changed my mind and thought I’d start with a story instead, so here it goes.

Shopping. Most women love a good shopping day; the clothes, the make-up, the Starbucks. But for me it can be a living nightmare, going around to every shop, the dressing rooms, the people, the horror!!!!! Sometimes even a trip to my local shop for milk can cause me to have anxiety sweats and a headache.

So the story starts with me needing to go the shop for milk and bacon as I wanted tea and a bacon sandwich. So I geared myself up;

• phone fully charged with headphones
• hoodie on / baggy clothes (my armor against the world)
• purse so I can pay, double-check have the bank card
• talk out loud to one’s self for 5 minutes “you can do this” “you will be 5 minutes tops” “no one will look at you”

So luckily for me, my local is opposite where I live, literally a stone throw away (never understood that saying some people can throw further than others). Anyway, off I trot head down, earphones in listening to something that drowns out the world I shall say it was some Ed Sheeran, I love me some Ed! I get to the shop, don’t need a basket as I only need 2 items. I get my milk no problem all good so far, I go to the aisle where the bacon is which is luckily next to the checkout, and we have self-checkout now – the bonus for people like me.

So as I pick up the bacon I glance over to the self-checkout and my worst nightmare has happened.


I am literally screaming in my head even the soft tones of Ed can’t calm me down. I feel the colour drain from my face, ‘what the fuck am I going to do’ I think, ‘why me’?! Well, I guess for people who don’t understand and may be thinking ‘so what? omg what a drama queen’, well yes I am but I have social anxiety, I don’t do well with people.

Back to the story, ok after a tiny inside meltdown I am like ‘right ok, I can do this, no big deal. I’ll just go to the counter, I only have 2 items, it won’t take me long, I’m ok, it’s all ok’. I start heading over to the check-out counter and yep, just my luck, there is no one behind the counter. That is it, I can feel the anxiety set in like I have been struck by lightning, my body starts to tingle, what am I going to do? Now, this can be solved so simply, just go find someone who works there and asks them to serve me. Oh if only it was that simple for me. So my plan starts forming, ‘ok I’m just going to browse around the shop until someone goes behind the counter or someone else goes to the counter waiting to be served’. Why do I think like this? Why do I have to really complicate the simplest things, I just can’t help myself.

So there I am, in my sweats, browsing around the shop. One eye on the counter pleading to myself that someone goes there and I can get out the shop, go home, have my cup of tea and bacon sandwich and all is right with the world again. Then panic sets in again, damn my brain! ‘Oh no I look weird just walking around pretending to look at items and not picking them up. I bet they think I’m a shoplifter or homeless or both! Ok, I need to start picking things up just to look normal’. So I pick up some kitchen cleaner, I guess I need that when mine runs out.

*10 minutes later*

So the anxiety sweats have kicked in, my head is killing me from over thinking, and oh yes my arms are full of things I don’t need! I have my milk, bacon, kitchen cleaner, plasters, apples, ham, tomatoes (I don’t even like them) and chocolate (I’m going to need this after experience). My arms are heavy and still, no one is at the till. I have even walked past people who worked there numerous times trying to tell them telepathically “go behind the counter”, obviously it didn’t work. When I feel all hope is lost and I am not going to get my bacon sandwich, I am going to have to end up living in the shop, finally, another customer must have heard my prayers and went to the till. I could hear the choir sing in my head “hallelujah”. I have me out! I can go stand behind them and someone will see us both and serve us if my arms weren’t full I would of air pumped. So I go stand behind my fellow shopper and yep, within 1 minute a shop worker comes to the counter.

‘Victory is mine’ I think, I get served, I get out the shop and get home. It then sets in I have spent over 15 minutes at the shop instead of 5, spent more money by buying more things I don’t even need and paid more money than I was planning on something so stupid. So instead of making my tea and bacon sandwich when I got home, I sat on the floor and cried eating my chocolate thinking ‘what is wrong with me? Why did I do that? I bet that person who was served before didn’t do that. I bet they just came in, picked what they needed, got served and went home with a smile on their face, not like me sitting there on the kitchen floor not even using the items I originally went for!’

I chose this story as my first blog because at the time it sent me into a deep depression for a few days but now I can laugh about it, and sometimes you have to get to that point and see the funny side. I hope you enjoyed it.