Mind Security


Hey everyone 🙂


So after my last post, which for me was so full of emotion and heartache, I wanted my next post to be a bit more light and hopeful. I have enjoyed previously doing a tip of a day post so that’s what I am going to do today. But before I do I just want to say thank to the people who read my blog, before I started this 3 months ago I was in such a lonely place, your words of support, encouragement, following, and likes have touched me in so many ways. You are making someone who feels broken feel whole again, you are amazing people!


So back to it then, my tip of the day is……. SECURITY!


Security to me is so important when it comes to my mental health, I think most people can relate to the feeling of lack of control over what goes on with their mind. This is why I feel I need to put things in place that make me feel secure, like a safety net or a security blanket I guess.

I have said it I before, it is important to speak up to people, let them know what you are going through but don’t feel pressured to. Build a good support network of people who you trust, you may not trust them with everything. For instance, there are friends of mine I trust with things I want to talk about my mental health, others I trust with family problems or work problems. You don’t have to share everything with everyone. I have started to build a good support network made up of friends, therapist, my partner, and certain family members.


The safe word is something I started recently, yes you heard it here first a safe word is not just for the bedroom. I have social anxiety, but I try my best to live life as normal as I can. Sometimes though no matter how much I try, my diva of anxiety can get the best of me, so instead of running away or staying and risking an anxiety attack I now have a safe word with my friends and boyfriend. It’s so I can let them know I need to be removed from the situation or text it someone if I’m out on my own to see if they can come and get me. It beats going into detail and wasting time. I also use it in conversation when I am talking about my issues with my therapist; just to let her know it is getting too much for me to talk about I need a break, It is so useful having the security put in place, knowing I can fall back on it.


Another new thing I have started is a mood box. It’s for when I am having a really bad day with my depression or anxiety or both! It’s a box filled with my favorite things like a first aid kit for the mind really. But I won’t go into too much detail as I want to do a separate post about it but I do recommend it to everyone to have one, and I know a few people who I follow have something similar.


So there we go my security for my mental health because my mind can be so unpredictable I have to be prepared for what life throws at me! Hmm, maybe I need a bodyguard for my mind! Instead of ” no shoes no entry” they could be like “bad thoughts not through this door”


Take care everyone hope you enjoyed it!

Vicky xx

The Four Letter Word



Hello everyone


My idea for this post has probably been at the back of my mind for a while, but it was something that clicked the other day that made me start writing to get it out there. I know for a fact; blood, sweat, and lots of tears will go into this and I am writing it because I know I need to get it out because it is something I carry with me and sadly will most likely carry with me for a long time.


What is love?


The Collins dictionary definition of love is an intense emotion of affection, warmth, fondness, and regard towards a person or thing. If only love was that simple for me something I could google and bam that’s it, I can feel it. Sadly I know it’s not that simple for me and I don’t know if it will ever be that simple. Love shouldn’t be a complicated emotion it’s a four letter word, it should be simple right? I think my many issues are linked to this four lettered word some way, not felt loved, wanting to feel loved, love always seemed to come at a cost or just out of reach for me. I feel like if I told people who know me this is how I feel they would definitely look at me like I am crazy, I look like I have it all from the outside. I have family, friends, a boyfriend, a home how the hell can I not feel loved. I can understand why people may jump to the conclusions, but if you look closer at my perfect situation you will see the cracks and they are many and big ones too. My parents were either too busy with work, dealing with their own issues, or ignoring what was going on around them. My dad drank his feelings away and my mom painted on that fake smile no wonder I didn’t understand love. I realized from a young age, after weekends of listening to fights and seeing them get physical with one another one minute and then the next sitting down to Sunday dinner like nothing had happened, I was not going to let love destroy me like it did my family. I never felt their love my dad would give me hugs and kisses but I soon realized that was down to the drink. All I wanted was hugs and kisses but all I got was cold shoulders and criticism, I felt so invisible at home, I would say more but it breaks my heart just thinking about those days. Why was it so hard to love me? why did my mom hate the way I looked and tried to change me? who puts their child on a diet at the age of 10! Why was alcohol more important to my dad than dealing with the fact his little girl was self-harming? Why couldn’t they put their own damn issues aside and see the toxic relationship they were in was having a negative effect on their kids. But I did have someone my Nan, she was my idol, my best friend, my world. I could tell my nan anything and I always felt the love from her. Even when I ran away once and my parents called her over thinking she would rip me a new one, but she didn’t she sat and cried with me she saw the sadness within me. I guess I wasn’t meant to feel that kind of love for a long time as sadly she passed after my 18th. Yes, I was sad when she passed but god I was so angry how dare she leaves me with these people why take that love away from me, again don’t I deserve to feel loved? From that day I suffered the same pattern over and over, I let people in and they walked away one by one.


Is there something wrong with me?

Am I a horrible person?

Is this going to be my life?


Am I always going to love people and not get it in return? I am not perfect and I have done some terrible things in my life, I am not saying it’s an excuse but I did those things because I was so numb and empty. Hurt first before I get hurt I guess. The wall I have around my heart is so thick I don’t know if it will ever come down, I still will do my best making other people feel loved and cared for but I will struggle to let them show me love in return, as the day may come when they too will walk away. But I am working on it I have a boyfriend and friends now and a great relationship with my siblings now. Will I get my happy ending? I guess we will see.


The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Eden Ahbez, “Nature Boy” (song, recorded by Nat King Cole)


Take care,

Vicky xx

A Difficult Subject



Hello everyone 🙂

Welcome one and all to my crazy little thing blog, so as you all know from reading my previous blogs, I have had a hard time lately. The downs have been really bad and the ups have been rare. So I am trying to find that balance again which is harder than it seems! Instead of babbling on I think I am just going to get straight to the point of this blog.

My word of the day is…… SUICIDE

I think it’s still such a taboo subject even within the mental health community. I think people are more comfortable with saying they are lonely, scared, hurt, etc. Even I would say I am not comfortable with sharing with people about my suicidal thoughts because my mind scares me at times I don’t want to scare other people. I don’t want people to look or treat me different because I have told them I have thought about how I think it would be easier if I weren’t here. No more pain, tiredness or confusion, maybe there would be peace, who knows!

I think what we see in the media these days about suicide have a positive and negative effect. I think that it is great that we hear more about people’s struggles in life with suicidal thoughts and tendency’s and it brings attention to it, which is definitely needed. It makes people like myself not feel alone with my battle with mental health. Also especially the sad news about young kids struggling with suicidal thoughts due to being bullied, which really hits home with me, is needed to make people aware actions have consequences words do hurt. I am hoping it will make people aware of this before they bully someone else. I also think bullying is just not just at school but in workplaces as well, not every personality gels well together, but that doesn’t mean that gives you the right to hurt someone emotionally or physically.

Another influence of suicidal thoughts I have found is day-to-day stress, from bills, work, relationships and to me, it’s when those things get out of control and on top of us, that’s when the struggles start. I will fully admit that I have struggled with debt and relationships and that has sent me to dark places in my mind, where I have got to a point where the hopelessness of those situations has made me mentally hopeless. We can be our own worse enemies, so when things get tough it has such a ripple effect on our mental state. I can say that I am probably getting suicidal thoughts 5 out of 7 days, and it is really hard for me to admit that, as I don’t know how to tell the people around me. Once I have got to that point in the vicious cycle it’s so damn hard to get out of it.

The negative effects I will say the media has on suicide are part of the reason I don’t divulge to people about my thoughts. It’s the stigma attached to it that I should be the dark person who doesn’t smile and you can’t say boo to in case it sets me off, which is not true. I have a sense of humor still; I can smile and can take criticism like everyone else. I don’t sit in a dark room cursing the world, I actually sit down and read and drink tea and watch tv I am not a basket case.

What I am hoping to achieve by writing about this is for others and myself to start feeling comfortable talking about the dark places our mind can go. Just because I can feel like this at times, it does not defy whom I am. I have decided to find a support group, as my first step, to help me with this before I start talking to friends and family about it. I hope that one day there won’t’ be any more stigma attached to it so people will get more open about talking about their struggles, so where we can share the good and the bad and be able to support one another with it.

Take care all, thank you again for the support.


Hope is a necessity for normal life and the major weapon against the suicide impulse.

-Karl A. Menninger


A Little Routine Never Hurt Anyone



Hey everyone 🙂


So back again, well in my last post I mentioned that I had received some awful news. Things are still quite hard at the moment and I am trying to keep it together so I can be a pillar of strength for other people who need me. Which is so hard as inside I am a complete mess, but it’s not about how I am feeling at the moment I can’t focus on that for now. That’s not meaning I am not making sure I don’t get overwhelmed with everything and my emotions, as I know I will be no good for anyone if I turn into a complete basket case.

Being strong for someone else is helping me see my inner strength and understand that I may be stronger than I think I am. Even though some days I lose faith and now I hope I know through the dark times in my life and others I have the strength to move forward even when I am hopeless. So I guess every cloud has its silver lining.


So enough about my woes, and me, lets move forward to my tip of the day, which is ……… Routine.


I have learnt while being on this journey with my mental health that routine is so important to maintaining balance within my mind. I must have a routine with my medication as I once forgot to take them for a few days and wow I have learnt my lesson. The dizziness, the confusion, the deep hole of despair, yeah it was awful. But I know now how important it is to have the routine with them and not come off them until I am ready. I make sure now I have a daily reminder as I am too forgetful not to.

Also it is important to have routine with my daily life. During the times where I have had to take time off work because of my mental health it didn’t really help as much as I thought it would. I didn’t have a reason to get out of bed to get dressed to take part in life basically. I make sure now during days off that I try to stick to a routine of getting up dressed and having something to do so I don’t let my mind over think and let the cloud of depression and the diva of anxiety take over.

There are many different aspects of routine that is important to many people with mental health problems and they may vary between people. From coping mechanisms with dealing with hard days too habits and patterns that help shape good days. Some people need routine with their where they make sure they get out and see people at least once a week, as it is a lot easier to push people away them let them in.

My advise is to find the best routine for you as you may not think this at times but you know your mind better than anyone else. I am saying its easy to stick to routine and it will solve everything but I guess it’s a step forward in the right direction.

“Zen is not some kind of excitement, but concentration on our usual everyday routine.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

Take care,

Vicky 🙂

Honesty Is The Best Policy




Hi everyone


I wasn’t sure if I was going to write this or put it off another day. Sadly I have had some horrible news and it’s completely squashed my faith in life to be completely honest. I ask myself the same question most days, kind of a coping mechanism, why do I keep fighting? Each day it is the same answer……. Hope! I have hope when I am having bad days when the dark cloud of depression and the diva of anxiety are ruling my life, I have hope it’s going to get better. I have hope during the good days that there will be more like them. But today it felt different.

I woke up and it was a good and I even thought about maybe not taking my medication, but sadly that was squashed. I received some bad news and within seconds my world was turned upside down. All day I have just felt overwhelmed with emotions, it was starting to feel claustrophobic inside my head. I had to push aside my pain and fear and heartache to be strong for the people who needed me, they needed and still need my strength. I won’t go into the detail of what happened, as it’s not my story to tell.

All I can think of though is why? Why the hell does life just keep throwing stuff at us, seriously why can’t life just let us be? Are peace and calm too much to ask for, because that’s all I want? I don’t want lots of money and things and fame I just want calm. The only thing I can say and do is move forward and learn to see hope again.


So my tip of the day is…… Honesty.


Being honest with you is so important; to me it’s was the first step I took to get help for my mental state. I had to be honest with myself that there was something really wrong and I couldn’t carry on the way I was going. Also, I have to be honest with myself on a daily basis, knowing the signs of when things are on top of me and not just faking my way through life. Learning to trust my own mind no matter had scary it can be.

It’s also important, to be honest to the people around you. Let them know you are struggling, as the saying goes “a problem shared is a problem halved”. Yes sadly some people won’t understand and you may lose them but at least you will learn who is in your corner. Another way of being honest is to let people know when something makes you uncomfortable. For instance, say it is a situation like a friend get together that sets off your anxiety tell your friends, plans can be changed. Or if you go and make friends aware how your anxiety is making the situation a bit daunting so they can help if you need it. Remember you’re not alone and not a chore for your friends they would want to help you.


I wish I could write more, but like I said I’m just struggling but I am trying to use my pain for good and I hope I have helped someone. I will leave you with this though.

A tarot reader once said to me, some of us are handed a few bad cards in life for a reason and that is so we can understand pain and heartache to help other people with theirs.


Take care,





Hey everyone  🙂


Hope everyone is having a great weekend. This has probably been the first weekend in a while that I have not felt the heavy pressure of the dark cloud of depression and the diva of anxiety interfering with my life. I wish that was down to me getting better but I am not sure it is, I think it is down to a better routine with my medication so until I am completely off them, I will soon find out if I am better or not.

So my tip of the day is…… Declutter!


I have spent most of the day decluttering my place and wow I have so much stuff I think I am a borderline hoarder! As the hours and hours went by and bag after bag went in the bin (don’t worry no shoes were harmed in this!) I was feeling lighter. I feel now I can focus on things much clearer. Cleaning the space around me has helped clean my mind in the process and made me realize what is important.

What I am getting at is that dealing with mental health issues can be overwhelming and feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders so why add to the weight. So get rid of the things that are just gathering dust that have no use to you. Ask yourself:

Do they have a purpose?

When did you last use it?

Why do you hold on to it?

Are the memories associated to it good or bad?

For example, I got rid of pictures of friends I had in the past, yes there are good memories linked to them but every time I see them I feel pain and sadness so I thought there was no need to keep putting myself through that time and time again.

I chose to keep hold of my notebooks I used to write in from when I was younger. Most of the poems and stories in them are about the pain I suffered. But I don’t feel sad when I look at them, I feel proud as I have come so far from that time in my life.

Maybe the same concept can be said for the people we surround our self with; I am not saying to throw people away. I am saying that there is a difference between a friend and an acquaintance and surround you with people who will build you up and not down. I have learned that from losing a lot of friends in the past that they weren’t good friends they were with me through the good times but not the bad.

Take care all speak to you soon 🙂



“Clutter is not just physical stuff, it’s old ideas, toxic relationships, and bad habits” – Eleanor Brown



This is something new I am going to be doing other day so I can stay in regular contact with you lovely lot.


Today’s tip of the day is to be kind.


Sometimes during my dark days, I struggle with my moods obviously, and I can be a real bitch – to a point my – boyfriend asks if I’m on my period? When I shout at him I feel like I am kicking a puppy. I know I am doing wrong but I just can’t help myself. I feel like a real case of Jekyll and Hyde. I have learned that words are powerful even when they are said in anger. They are out there now and will have a chain reaction. So I try and remember to be kind every day no matter how low I am feeling.


How can you do this?


Well, sometimes it can be showing someone you care. I have found the community I have on Twitter is full of incredible people who have struggled. If I notice someone struggling I reach out with kind words to let them now I am there in their corner. Also if someone has achieved something, letting him or her know his or her achievement is inspiring, because it is.

Also sometimes you could walk down the street and see a homeless person. To me, there are two types of people, those who walk on by and those who don’t. Whether you choose to help them with money or not acknowledge them they are human beings, don’t just pretend they are not there as remember we struggle in different aspects of life, a smile and a greeting can go a long way.

Those are just examples of many ways you can be kind by making someone smile, listening to people having a conversation with someone who you wouldn’t normally. Let’s admit it; it’s a dark world we live in, why make it darker? If you are struggling to be the light in your own world be the light in someone else’s, as it will come back around.


“If you have a candle, the light won’t glow any dimmer if I light yours off of mine.” ― Steven Tyler

Sticks and Stones




Hi again,

I thought I would do something similar to my first blog, a story. A story from my past where anxiety and depression affected my day-to-day life, but I cannot look back on it now with humor. Instead, this story is about the time I beat a bully literally!


So let me set the background, I was in my final year at school, I was 16 and I guess I would be classed as a geek. By this time in my school history I now had friends, but sadly these friends wouldn’t stick up for me against the bullies. Bet you’re thinking, “well they weren’t your friends then Vicky”, but they were it was just they didn’t want to get involved, didn’t want to put a target on their back.


Also, these friends used to pick on me (another story for another time), so I guess apart them I didn’t blame those people for picking on me.

I learned from an early age not to follow the crowd, be your own person. That’s when It did not matter what the bullies said or did. I wore what I wore (some seriously bad fashion choices). I listened to angry rock music because I was an angry girl. I was going to school in a war zone and going back to one at home! Wouldn’t you be angry??


Well if you haven’t of guessed it I was an emo kid and I was emo and proud. Even though I was bullied I guess I was comfortable in my own skin, I didn’t try once to change myself – to fit in.

There was one thing I couldn’t do though and that fought back. I never retaliated with the name-calling or the pushing or threw stuff back at them. I would get too anxious to. During this time I was going through so much I was self-harming and alone I felt like no one cared. I went to the teachers and they didn’t help they just isolated me from my classes. No one cared or noticed the pain I was in, I was falling deeper and deeper into depression and I couldn’t find a way back. They took something from me and that was my love for learning I no longer cared about getting my work done I was way too anxious about being there, I just wanted to get through the day.


There was one day though. A day where I had my moment, I finally had enough and I snapped. I had finally come clean to my parents that I was being bullied and they actually gave me advice; “don’t hit first, hit second”. My mom sent me to school for weeks wearing trousers and my hair up just in case it came to a point I needed to fight. Oh and that day came.


So one day my mom picked me up from school and we drove past one of the girls who bullied me at the bus stop. My mom immediately stopped the car and got out to confront her. I of course was mortified “omg my Mom is now fighting my battles” “this is going to make it worse” “I wish I knew how to drive and get out of here.” I was very much happy to curl up in the seat and act like I was invisible until I heard this girl call my mom a bitch…. Oh no, you can pick on me that’s one thing but to call my mom names! That’s different! It was like in the movies when someone sees red, I felt the anger and the pain take over and I burst out the car and straight at them and she hit me! Just what I needed she hit first – so I hit back.


Then we fought. Not like the movies there wasn’t a winner I didn’t kick her and she never kicked me. My mom allowed it for 5 minutes and broke it up and took me home. Considering this girl was the big “I am”, she called the police on for me for assault. By the time I got home police had been to my house looking for my Mom and me. To cut a long story short, the police found out all the facts at school after I gave my statement and no charges were brought up against me. She was cautioned and the school was reprimanded for not taking any action.


So the outcome of this; I was able to go back to school with my head held high, no more bullying and I guess respect. Also, they realized I was not just a push over, I was capable of fighting back. I don’t condone violence but in that case, it was needed I tried everything else, I tried doing things the right way and no one listened to me. The damage was done though. I never got back my joy for learning and my trust in people was damaged even more, not just because of the bullying but because the people who were supposed to care and protect me, didn’t. I have had to learn to trust people again and have just started an online course because I know I wouldn’t be able to handle a college. But I am stronger because of it. I am still here and I will never let the bullies in this world win.

Trying is Tiring


Hey again,


So right now I am struggling, I am struggling to keep my mind from racing; I am struggling keeping my emotions from getting the best of me. I am asking myself over and over again why me? Why can’t I just have one day of peace? Why can’t I go about my day just go to work come home relax and then go to bed without the diva of anxiety butting in and the cloud of depression sucking the joy out of me. Not me though my mind is too much of a pain to let me have that one day.

Even sitting here with my boyfriend watching our new favorite show I can’t relax. I know I am not being me but I am that good at hiding it now, I know he can’t tell. I want to scream I want to cry and I don’t know why (I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it).

So what can I do? Do I let these feelings consume and get to a point where there is no way back? I am asking a lot of questions aren’t I? See I did it again. Sadly I don’t have the answers yet and I don’t know if I ever will and that is what scares me the most.

I may not be able to help myself but maybe I can help other people and that is what helps keeps me going. To the people who read my blogs thank you, your likes and your comments mean the world to me and help me get through the day.


If you’re like me and you are struggling this is my advice:

  • Get it out, whether write it down or speak about it don’t let it consume you.
  • You are not alone, I know you feel like it but you are not whether it’s a close friend or a kind stranger people are there.
  • You are strong, I know it may not feel like it but you are, you are still here fighting each day and that shows strength.
  • You don’t need any more enemies, you are your own worst enemy so don’t add to it.
  • Pride, be proud of your mistakes. What I mean, mistakes happen for a reason and we all eventually learn from our mistakes.


This is a shorter blog then usual and it’s my way of basically saying I am with you all, to listen to you, a shoulder to cry on and to share laughs and accomplices. Thank you for being apart of my journey.

With hope,



The Second Piece of The Puzzle


Hey all 🙂


So I have started to write about bringing the pieces of joy back in my life, it is harder than it seems, as there always seems to be a reminder every day of my depression and anxiety but I have to keep fighting… don’t I????

These last few days though, the dark cloud seems to of lifted a bit and I can now think straight a bit more without dark thoughts clouding my judgment. I am enjoying books again without the urge of just reading to get lost. I am not afraid to be alone with my own thoughts to be scared of what I am thinking. Not feeling scared to be around people in case they will see the internal struggle somehow and judge. Being able to enjoy music, listening to every lyric and every note and letting it speak to me in a positive way.


“Everybody gets high sometimes, you know
What else can we do when we’re feeling low?
So take a deep breath and let it go
You shouldn’t be drowning on your own”


The first verse of Cold Water by Major Lazer. This is someone I wouldn’t normally listen to but an acoustic cover came on my playlist and I was like wow. I can relate to these lyrics as I am trying to get high on joy to bring me back from my dark times and I know I am not the only one.


To bring it back then, the second piece of my joy puzzle is I went to a BBQ at my friend’s house. Do you know how happy that makes me say, MY FRIENDS, these people didn’t know me 5 years ago and yes they were my boyfriend’s friends but they make me feel like one of them and I don’t know what I would do without them? I even joked about if my boyfriend and I split, I get to keep them in the separation (but they don’t know I was not joking they are stuck with me now). Even though they are my friends, the diva of my mind (my anxiety) wanted to ask a few questions. What if they don’t really like you? Do you think they remember when you broke a chair? And are you seriously going to eat around them? Etc. So yeah thanks a lot diva for that little reminder but I got my big butt dressed and out I had to prove I could get pass these thoughts and I missed them.

I am so glad I went it was a wonderful night as always. We even stayed up till midnight like the party animals we are 🙂 trust me that’s crazy for my friends as they all have kids.


So because there were so many plusses, too many to list and I don’t want to bore you. I will talk about the negatives. Well, my friend’s dad and stepmom came over for a bit. Yeah, I am not great with people I don’t know very well, it took me 2 years to speak to my boyfriend’s friends (a story for another day) but the stepmom insulted me from the get go. I may be being over-sensitive and don’t get me wrong this woman is a lovely woman I have met her a few times. Obviously not gave her lasting impression of myself as she preceded to greet everyone and got to me and was who are you? I have not met you before. Well color me red I wanted the ground to swallow me, I felt like saying I was at your son’s wedding and your grandchild’s christening and birthdays etc. how dare you! Are you that ignorant?? Am I the only person who thinks, even she didn’t recognize me she didn’t have to say that it’s called being polite. Well I am proud that I didn’t let it show it hurt me I just smiled and said hello as I have manors. I wish this stopped there but oh no my life is not that easy. After everyone explained to her she has met me a few times my friends dad asked a strange question, so who here don’t have kids?? My boyfriend and me raise our hands, and we were met with, what’s wrong with you don’t you want kids? Not responsible adults yet then? Not married yet then? It was like he went inside my head and had a read through my book of issues and picked those topics to ask questions about. Firstly who does that? And secondly just because someone doesn’t have kids doesn’t make them abnormal being insensitive makes you abnormal. It struck a chord with me, as it is something I want. I want kids and marriage but my boyfriend is not ready, so it’s something we do argue about but this was a BBQ, not a therapy session. Again I laughed it off and made a joke about my boyfriend being a big kid and I don’t need another one yet. That is what I do best use humor to deflect, as it’s easier. It’s bizarre how that made me go from feeling comfortable and at home with these people to feeling like an outsider once again. Lets just say I was little happy when they left I felt I could breath a bit better, as to the outsider I probably looked like I was relaxing listening to conversations. Where actually I was trying not let the bad feelings take over and make me get up and leave and I was too scared to speak around them because of the fear of being judged.


What I can take from this day though I did have a great time and I overcome anxiety and depression and not let it control me. I could have got up and left when I felt uncomfortable but I didn’t I stayed and it was worth it. 🙂 Nothing is perfect and I have learned joy still can shine through the dark cloud. So that was my second piece of my joy puzzle. Remember one day at a time.


I am trying not to be afraid anymore whether I rise or fall.


Vicky xxx