Hey everyone 🙂

I hope everyone is looking forward to the weekend I know I am! So I am currently coming out of a manic cycle to a depressive cycle and now I am feeling back to normal (well as normal as can be!). Like my moods, my life can be very up and down. I feel like I know what I want now (kind of); it has only taken me 28 years! This week has been a big week for me, I have accepted my diagnosis of having Cyclothymia, I have applied for my dream job and I have started the process with dealing with my PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). Also on top of that the normal day-to-day problems, bills, and relationships this is why I need a holiday!

I obviously blog a lot about mental health, there are many factors that influence mental health, lifestyle, the past, medical conditions etc. I posted before about PCOS, but since I am going through another stage with it at the moment I thought it was the time I talked about it a bit more. I know this condition has a big influence on my mental health due it being a hormone imbalance and it affects my everyday life and my future.

So in my post before about PCOS, I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 18/19 and I had known for a few years prior that something wasn’t right. Over the years I have learned to deal with it the best I can, sadly the help and support out there isn’t great for it, which is so infuriating. What people don’t understand it is not something that affects people with it once a month it is on going. The weight gain, the hair thinning the excess hair growth and the pain. Also, that is also linked with heart disease, diabetes, mental health, and infertility. Now tell me why this condition isn’t more looked into? Why isn’t there more help? Why is it when I go to the doctors they don’t want to know unless I am looking at trying for a baby, it’s not fair. I have lost count how many times a doctor has turned round and told me I’m over weight (dur I have a mirror), given me medication meant for people with diabetes, its soul-destroying that it feels like no one wants to help.
So it has come to a point where enough is enough, I am tired of periods that cause me to miss days off work because they are extremely painful, sucks the energy out of me and makes my life hell for 5 days. Also never knowing when they are going to happen, not exactly the surprise I want every month. I want to be able to go to the hairdressers more than 2/3 times a year because it causes me to have anxiety because of my hair thinning. It’s time to try to take back control!
Christmas last year was not full of joy for me sadly, me and my partner went through a miscarriage, with the awfulness of that situation wasn’t bad enough, my PCOS just got worse ever since, my weight has sky rocketed, my periods come and go as they please, it was the straw that broke the camels back.
So this last month or so I have done more research into PCOS, I have looked into the way I eat all I can say is thank you PINTEREST!!. I found so many articles about the low GI diet being a great diet for PCOS. I learned all about different food affect my hormone levels and insulin levels and I have started my journey with that diet. The worst part is no milk and cheese thinking about it makes me want to cry, it took me time to get used to almond milk in my tea. I will add some links at the end giving better information than what I could.
I am a big believer in natural medicine and I scoured the Internet for natural supplements to take and I have found a few things. I read up on castus tablets I saw a lot of good reviews on them helping fertility and balancing out hormones. Then I found MYOVA, finally something made for PCOS, the only thing out there that is. I haven’t tried them yet but I will be ordering them this month and I will do a post about them.
I have now been referred by my doctors to a fertility consultant. I went to my first appointment this week and it was amazing. They went through my blood tests with me and gave me some great advice about my diet. I have been booked in for some further blood tests and some scans on my ovaries and my one tube (I only have the one). I finally feel like a doctor is finally trying to help me, and I felt like a weight has been lifted.
PCOS has a big influence on my mental health, I have no confidence with the way I look due to my weight, I am petrified I won’t be able to have kids and it is something I think about on a daily basis and it really gets me down. But now I am on a journey with improving it and hopefully, I will see a positive effect on my body and my mind. I have linked my Pinterest to the page if you would like to have a look at what I have found.
Thank you again for reading 🙂

Vicky xxx


Is Vitex a Remedy for PCOS Symptoms?



Changes Can Be Good


Hey, everyone 🙂

So I decided my blog needed a bit of a reboot, so I decided to change the look I hope you like it. 🙂 There are few new things coming to my blog soon………

  • Contact Page! I have a page but nothing on it (that’s me half a job!) but I will be adding some details soon (promise!), so I can have more contact with the lovely people who read my blog. 🙂
  • Also, I am going to be doing more different types of posts, I have a few things planned, I love the tip of the day so that is staying obviously. but I will be doing more reviews on things that help me with my mental health journey, and hopefully some guest bloggers as well.
  • I want to keep my page fresh and relevant with my day-to-day life so there will be some new stories and updates on things that I am doing alongside my mental health posts. I am going to push myself and post more regularly.
    A vlog, now for all of you who have checked out my about page there is a picture of me (so you have been warned about this mug of mine) but I have wanted to do a vlog for a while now and it’s something I will be looking into as well.
  • Lastly, your comments and input mean a lot to me and I really didn’t think I would have achieved what I have so far with this blog, thank you, everyone! So if there is something you want to see more of or even less of please let me know 🙂

Take care everyone 🙂

vicky xxxxx

Sometime I Can Be An Ass


Hey everyone 🙂

Hope you all have had a great start to the week. My week has had a bit of a bumpy start; I went from going from a manic mood to crashing down to a low one, I felt like my mind had given me whiplash. Since I have been in contact with more people with mental health problems similar to my own, I now feel more prepared for these things. I always say this but you lot definitely help keep me going your stories and support are so inspiring.
I don’t know about you but I can feel so overwhelmed with the severity of my moods and places my mind can go, I miss out on opportunities and experiences, which leaves me with a lot of what ifs questions. I have had a lot of people tell me to stop dwelling on the past but it’s not so easy as it sounds, not to dwell on it. The past is a lot easier to dwell on then looking towards the future because the past has happened it’s kind of comfortable to analyze it over and over then what could happen in the future, Eurgh the anxiety I get on what could happen or might happen, it’s like an out of control inner brainstorm.

So this brings me to my tip of the day…….. Assume.

Assume, what a dangerous word that is, as the saying goes if you assume you make an ASS out of yoU and ME. There are many ways we can assume, jumping to opinions, dwelling, over thinking etc. When you start assuming the snowball effect happens, you start feeling worse about yourself and others to the point where you going to need to get a secretary to start writing out the minutes of the inner debate you have with yourself.
We assume to try to protect ourselves from things, but sometimes we don’t need to that. Yes, bad things and bad people are out there but sometimes we have to experience a mistake to learn from them. I know I have made plenty of mistakes in the past and I know I have learned a lot from them. They have shown me my inner strength, that certain things I assumed were right for me weren’t and I wouldn’t have the things I have now without them.
We can also assume that people out there are just going to hurt us, but we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Yes, there is bad things and bad people out there but there is also good things and good people.
Try not to miss out on things because you are assuming it won’t end well. I am not perfect myself and I am trying to get better at not assuming myself, it won’t happen overnight just small steps but its steps in the right direction.

Take care,

Vicky xxx


You can never guess or assume what anyone is going to think. – J. J. Abrams

Once Upon A Time 

story 2

Hey everyone 🙂

Hope you all are having a great weekend. I am currently coming down from having a manic mood, finally being able to sleep is a great feeling. I love to sleep because I love to dream, dreams are a magical thing, you are you but the story is not your current one it’s something new and a welcome break sometimes from reality. I have always been a dreamer since I can remember, I have always created stories and had an over active imagination. Being able to read a book and feel like I am in it, feeling what they feeling, the joy, the anger, the fear and the sadness. I believe you can find a story in everything, for instance in music the lyrics are telling a story you just have to listen closely sometimes. The problem with being such a dreamer I keep waiting for my happy ending to happen and when I feel that path is so far away from me in can leave such a disappointing feeling deep inside me. But my story isn’t finished yet, it has only just begun.

So this leads me to my tip of the day, which is…….. LIVE

We can get so caught up with the things around us and the problems we have, we forget that our story isn’t over with yet. A lot of you like myself, have had a very bumpy road so far and it’s made us just want to end our journey sooner than we should. But there is still so much out there we haven’t experienced and sometimes the greatest experience comes from the worst. I never want people to feel like I am preaching to them. The interactions I have had with people, hearing your stories I feel the words you write.

I am just as guilty of forgetting to live, to being so overwhelmed with the war inside my mind, it can knock me off the track of taking things day by day. Just because sometimes you may lose a battle with your mind doesn’t mean you will lose the war. Sometimes we need to dust ourselves off and move forward as we are stronger than we think. We are the author of our story we just have to live it.

Take care,

Vicky xxx

We all live in suspense from day to day; in other words, you are the hero of your own story. – Mary McCarthy

Sometimes A Song Is Needed


Hey everyone 🙂

So this is not a usual post for me. Something happened yesterday that really annoyed me and hurt. This blog to me, is me bearing my soul, it’s me opening up more about my crazy little things. It’s been a great form of therapy to me. Sadly someone I know didn’t feel that way when they read it, but my response to that is fuck it!

There is always one song I listen to, that really helps me when things like that happen so I thought I would share it with you

The song is by a band called Staind and its called For You, I remember hearing it for the time about 5 years ago. I felt like someone had gone into my brain and turned what I was feeling into a song. The song speaks to me, sometimes I can cry while listening to it, sometimes I feel a weight lift off my shoulders when listening to it as it’s like my release.

Here are the lyrics:
To my mother, to my father
It’s your son or, it’s your daughter
Are my screams, loud enough for
You to hear me, should I turn this up for you

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence, gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

Your silence, is what kills me
I need someone, here to help me
But you don’t know, how to listen
And let me make, my decisions

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence, gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

All your insults, and your curses
Make me feel like I’m not a person
And I feel like, I am nothing
But you made me, so do something
‘Cause I’m fucked up, because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn’t give

‘Cause I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence, gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast
I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence, gets us nowhere
Gets us nowhere way too fast

Here is the song 🙂 enjoy!

Check it out 🙂

Take care vicky xxxx

The F Word

fuck it

Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is well? Me, well I feel like a damn yo-yo with my ups and downs. Today though I think I am having just a day, it’s not a great day or a bad day; today I’m just me. I think the cloud of depression and the diva of anxiety has gone on holiday, the first time ever I wish I were with them, as I need a holiday!
So because those two aren’t taking over the mind my creative juices are following, so many ideas for future posts I have started to outline in my notebook, I actually picked up a new book today and felt that joy again about getting into a story. I know I am getting more and more days like this, where I can be me again, I even might go for a jog later. Well, there are many new things coming to the blog soon, which I can’t wait to share it with you! But today is another tip of the day ☺

So my tip of the day is…….. Fuck it!

I am so serious about this, I am sorry if you are offended by that type of language but fuck it! We all can get so caught up with our mental health, being so scared of what we are thinking, scared what others are think of us. But now and then we need to just say fuck it to ourselves.
There are many people I have spoke to on here and my twitter and I wish I could take away the pain you go through. We are so worried about being judged and labeled, but my response to being labeled and judged is fuck it. I cannot go into that person’s head and reset the arsehole in them.
If you are having a really bad day and you want to switch off from the world, fuck it, have a you day. Listen to your favourite song over and over, read your favourite book, have a chocolate bar, buy that top you want, don’t worry about other people worry about you.
If you want to apply for a job that you think you might not get or out of your reach, fuck it! It’s worth a try, isn’t it?
If you have a friend in your life that acts more like an enemy (frenemy) fuck it! Don’t give them the satisfaction of having that power over you, hold your head high and just say goodbye.
The path you are on is a hard one and there probably be further bumps along the way, so give yourself a rest from time to time and say fuck it!

Just a short one today as I think fuck it doesn’t need much explaining! Today I am going to be saying fuck it by buying myself another new book because I’m worth it ☺ how are you going to say fuck it??

Take care,

Vicky xxx

Every cloud


Hey everyone 🙂


Here we are the 1st of July, this year is over half way now and the best thing for me so far this year, has been starting this blog. I haven’t done most of the things I said I would do this year, so far I haven’t started driving lessons, lost weight, new job, new house, a holiday, I could go on….. But there have been things that I have done I have quit smoking, I have spoken up more about my mental health, I have made the steps towards the career I want, I have improved my diet.


This leads me to my tip of the day……. The Silver Lining!


I can’t stop myself from being my own worse enemy and internally beat myself up over things I haven’t done or should have done. Seriously I really need to get a bodyguard for my mind to help me with those battles! It’s so easy to focus on the negatives rather than the positives, which I know a lot of you can relate to because of its human nature.

What I have started doing is trying to level out the playing field when I am being from negative about my life. For example, yes I am not on the property ladder yet, but I do have a roof over my head. I have the freedom to move around till I found somewhere I want to settle. There are still many places I want to live before I make a commitment. I really have some way to go at building better relationships with my family, which saddens me, that things are at that bad. What I do have though, that I never had before is strong relationships with my siblings, things are moving forward. See, every cloud….

My suggestion when the dark cloud of depression or the diva of anxiety decides to but into your life, make a list of these negative thoughts going through your mind. Then next to these negatives write a positive, even if the positive is I am still here, it’s still a positive.

Also, there are times where I feel I can not help myself I feel completely lost, so I try to turn that into a positive. I am more aware of people feeling the same as me these days, so I try and be other people’s silver lining. Be a shoulder to cry on, a friendly ear, build people up, and you will soon feel not so lonely by making someone else feel cared for. When I reach out to others in the same boat as me, its like I put my negative thoughts on mute, my focus is somewhere else not on me.

There are other ways of doing this as well, like volunteering for instance. Have a look into your local community and I am sure you will find many ways you could volunteer and help out.

Just remember this you matter in this world whether you think it or not. You have made a difference today by reading this blog; you have helped me feel not so alone.


Thank you for reading,




Mind Security


Hey everyone 🙂


So after my last post, which for me was so full of emotion and heartache, I wanted my next post to be a bit more light and hopeful. I have enjoyed previously doing a tip of a day post so that’s what I am going to do today. But before I do I just want to say thank to the people who read my blog, before I started this 3 months ago I was in such a lonely place, your words of support, encouragement, following, and likes have touched me in so many ways. You are making someone who feels broken feel whole again, you are amazing people!


So back to it then, my tip of the day is……. SECURITY!


Security to me is so important when it comes to my mental health, I think most people can relate to the feeling of lack of control over what goes on with their mind. This is why I feel I need to put things in place that make me feel secure, like a safety net or a security blanket I guess.

I have said it I before, it is important to speak up to people, let them know what you are going through but don’t feel pressured to. Build a good support network of people who you trust, you may not trust them with everything. For instance, there are friends of mine I trust with things I want to talk about my mental health, others I trust with family problems or work problems. You don’t have to share everything with everyone. I have started to build a good support network made up of friends, therapist, my partner, and certain family members.


The safe word is something I started recently, yes you heard it here first a safe word is not just for the bedroom. I have social anxiety, but I try my best to live life as normal as I can. Sometimes though no matter how much I try, my diva of anxiety can get the best of me, so instead of running away or staying and risking an anxiety attack I now have a safe word with my friends and boyfriend. It’s so I can let them know I need to be removed from the situation or text it someone if I’m out on my own to see if they can come and get me. It beats going into detail and wasting time. I also use it in conversation when I am talking about my issues with my therapist; just to let her know it is getting too much for me to talk about I need a break, It is so useful having the security put in place, knowing I can fall back on it.


Another new thing I have started is a mood box. It’s for when I am having a really bad day with my depression or anxiety or both! It’s a box filled with my favorite things like a first aid kit for the mind really. But I won’t go into too much detail as I want to do a separate post about it but I do recommend it to everyone to have one, and I know a few people who I follow have something similar.


So there we go my security for my mental health because my mind can be so unpredictable I have to be prepared for what life throws at me! Hmm, maybe I need a bodyguard for my mind! Instead of ” no shoes no entry” they could be like “bad thoughts not through this door”


Take care everyone hope you enjoyed it!

Vicky xx

The Four Letter Word



Hello everyone


My idea for this post has probably been at the back of my mind for a while, but it was something that clicked the other day that made me start writing to get it out there. I know for a fact; blood, sweat, and lots of tears will go into this and I am writing it because I know I need to get it out because it is something I carry with me and sadly will most likely carry with me for a long time.


What is love?


The Collins dictionary definition of love is an intense emotion of affection, warmth, fondness, and regard towards a person or thing. If only love was that simple for me something I could google and bam that’s it, I can feel it. Sadly I know it’s not that simple for me and I don’t know if it will ever be that simple. Love shouldn’t be a complicated emotion it’s a four letter word, it should be simple right? I think my many issues are linked to this four lettered word some way, not felt loved, wanting to feel loved, love always seemed to come at a cost or just out of reach for me. I feel like if I told people who know me this is how I feel they would definitely look at me like I am crazy, I look like I have it all from the outside. I have family, friends, a boyfriend, a home how the hell can I not feel loved. I can understand why people may jump to the conclusions, but if you look closer at my perfect situation you will see the cracks and they are many and big ones too. My parents were either too busy with work, dealing with their own issues, or ignoring what was going on around them. My dad drank his feelings away and my mom painted on that fake smile no wonder I didn’t understand love. I realized from a young age, after weekends of listening to fights and seeing them get physical with one another one minute and then the next sitting down to Sunday dinner like nothing had happened, I was not going to let love destroy me like it did my family. I never felt their love my dad would give me hugs and kisses but I soon realized that was down to the drink. All I wanted was hugs and kisses but all I got was cold shoulders and criticism, I felt so invisible at home, I would say more but it breaks my heart just thinking about those days. Why was it so hard to love me? why did my mom hate the way I looked and tried to change me? who puts their child on a diet at the age of 10! Why was alcohol more important to my dad than dealing with the fact his little girl was self-harming? Why couldn’t they put their own damn issues aside and see the toxic relationship they were in was having a negative effect on their kids. But I did have someone my Nan, she was my idol, my best friend, my world. I could tell my nan anything and I always felt the love from her. Even when I ran away once and my parents called her over thinking she would rip me a new one, but she didn’t she sat and cried with me she saw the sadness within me. I guess I wasn’t meant to feel that kind of love for a long time as sadly she passed after my 18th. Yes, I was sad when she passed but god I was so angry how dare she leaves me with these people why take that love away from me, again don’t I deserve to feel loved? From that day I suffered the same pattern over and over, I let people in and they walked away one by one.


Is there something wrong with me?

Am I a horrible person?

Is this going to be my life?


Am I always going to love people and not get it in return? I am not perfect and I have done some terrible things in my life, I am not saying it’s an excuse but I did those things because I was so numb and empty. Hurt first before I get hurt I guess. The wall I have around my heart is so thick I don’t know if it will ever come down, I still will do my best making other people feel loved and cared for but I will struggle to let them show me love in return, as the day may come when they too will walk away. But I am working on it I have a boyfriend and friends now and a great relationship with my siblings now. Will I get my happy ending? I guess we will see.


The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Eden Ahbez, “Nature Boy” (song, recorded by Nat King Cole)


Take care,

Vicky xx

A Difficult Subject



Hello everyone 🙂

Welcome one and all to my crazy little thing blog, so as you all know from reading my previous blogs, I have had a hard time lately. The downs have been really bad and the ups have been rare. So I am trying to find that balance again which is harder than it seems! Instead of babbling on I think I am just going to get straight to the point of this blog.

My word of the day is…… SUICIDE

I think it’s still such a taboo subject even within the mental health community. I think people are more comfortable with saying they are lonely, scared, hurt, etc. Even I would say I am not comfortable with sharing with people about my suicidal thoughts because my mind scares me at times I don’t want to scare other people. I don’t want people to look or treat me different because I have told them I have thought about how I think it would be easier if I weren’t here. No more pain, tiredness or confusion, maybe there would be peace, who knows!

I think what we see in the media these days about suicide have a positive and negative effect. I think that it is great that we hear more about people’s struggles in life with suicidal thoughts and tendency’s and it brings attention to it, which is definitely needed. It makes people like myself not feel alone with my battle with mental health. Also especially the sad news about young kids struggling with suicidal thoughts due to being bullied, which really hits home with me, is needed to make people aware actions have consequences words do hurt. I am hoping it will make people aware of this before they bully someone else. I also think bullying is just not just at school but in workplaces as well, not every personality gels well together, but that doesn’t mean that gives you the right to hurt someone emotionally or physically.

Another influence of suicidal thoughts I have found is day-to-day stress, from bills, work, relationships and to me, it’s when those things get out of control and on top of us, that’s when the struggles start. I will fully admit that I have struggled with debt and relationships and that has sent me to dark places in my mind, where I have got to a point where the hopelessness of those situations has made me mentally hopeless. We can be our own worse enemies, so when things get tough it has such a ripple effect on our mental state. I can say that I am probably getting suicidal thoughts 5 out of 7 days, and it is really hard for me to admit that, as I don’t know how to tell the people around me. Once I have got to that point in the vicious cycle it’s so damn hard to get out of it.

The negative effects I will say the media has on suicide are part of the reason I don’t divulge to people about my thoughts. It’s the stigma attached to it that I should be the dark person who doesn’t smile and you can’t say boo to in case it sets me off, which is not true. I have a sense of humor still; I can smile and can take criticism like everyone else. I don’t sit in a dark room cursing the world, I actually sit down and read and drink tea and watch tv I am not a basket case.

What I am hoping to achieve by writing about this is for others and myself to start feeling comfortable talking about the dark places our mind can go. Just because I can feel like this at times, it does not defy whom I am. I have decided to find a support group, as my first step, to help me with this before I start talking to friends and family about it. I hope that one day there won’t’ be any more stigma attached to it so people will get more open about talking about their struggles, so where we can share the good and the bad and be able to support one another with it.

Take care all, thank you again for the support.


Hope is a necessity for normal life and the major weapon against the suicide impulse.

-Karl A. Menninger