I have had to look at who I am recently and address how others see me, as I feel who I am is being jaded by struggles with anxiety and other issues. I can sometimes feel like I share too much or too little and maybe some of it is my own fault. It has been my life for a long fucking time and to step out of that and to work on myself for other reasons is weird to me. We can lose ourselves to mental illness and when we start recovering from that, the person we become can be so diffrent to the person we once were.
If you really knew me you would know, despite what you may think I want to be more then this, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being ruled by issues. I have come on leaps and bounds in my eyes and trust me when I say I know my faults. I am not making excuses but give me a break, I am human.
If you really knew me you would know, I got more then mental health issues to battle with and being diagnosed with two rare inflammation conditions may not make it easy for me to see the bright fucking side of life. It has dramatically affected my eyes and there is no cure. one day it may spread to other parts of my body. so yeah some days I might have a face like a smacked ass.
If you really knew me you would know, I have resting bitch face. I can’t help it my face just looks like it is unimpressed!
If you really knew me you would know, there is more to me then meets the eye. I am just a girl standing in front of the world saying this is me. I fuck up, I laugh, I love to draw, I put on little musicals in my kitchen, I hate bras, I get lonely, I detest baked beans, I am not a morning person and I love a good book and a cuppa tea.
I leave you with one of my favourite quotes from my favourite film, Breakfast Club.
“You see us as you want to see us—in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…and an athlete…and a basket case…a princess…and a criminal. Does that answer your question?”
So it’s been a week of tears, tears and a few more tears! It has been a great example of you can be having a good week but still with a lot of shit going on. If this was a few months ago I would have reacted very differently, as I would have just given up and fucked up the good things going on as well. Instead, I cried when I needed to, dusted myself off and carried on because of the bad shit of is not worth more than the good.
That’s the thing when bad shit happens during a good week, it is so easy to just focus on that and let the good shit crumble away. The thing is to remember is that any good week will give some bad points too. It is so easy to get sucked into that dark place but not so easy to stay on track.
We need to remember it is ok to rest but not to quit, it’s ok to cry when you need to cry. It’s ok to just not give a fuck when you need to, like when you need to take care of yourself and focus on you instead of the world around you.
It has been one of those weeks where I wanted to exchange my adulting permit for a learning permit in adulting instead. My new job is going well, it is just all the other things that come with adulthood, being social, being present in the world and being able to not want to lose your shit at the smallest thing. i don’t want to change who I am to fit someone’s opinion on who I should be. I don’t want to be a morning person I have tried to and I am just naturally a grumpy cow in the morning. I don’t want to decide to have babies yet because I am thirty and everyone has started already, I don’t want to look on the bright side when I feel like shit, instead, I want to listen to my music really loud and shed a tear or two. I don’t want the person I am becoming to be decided by others.
I think as adults we can get pressured to be and act in a certain way because we are of age and it is time to be put you in a box. I have problems with fertility and when people ask me when is it baby time it, it can really get to me, I am like, “I don’t know Linda when my insides decide to play ball!”. When people tell me the past is in the past let it go and aren’t you too old to still be dealing with past trauma, ” I am sorry Linda I didn’t know trauma comes with an age limit?”
We all have our own path to create, to make mistakes, to hit rock bottom, to rise to the top and to achieve. We can’t always get it right because how else would we learn what we like and don’t like, what we want and don’t want, what we are and what we are not.
I wanted to give you my honest outlook on anxiety after having a bad day with it. I am going to add a trigger warning to it as it is something that many of us struggle with.
Today I had a breakdown, I feel like anxiety is ruining my life no matter how hard I try to get better or improve, it is just constantly there in the background causing havoc. I just want it to go and leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I feel like I am constantly having to explain myself all the time because of anxiety, my mind is constantly running and I just can’t to slow it down. Anxiety can strip who you are as a person, it what feels like a blink of an eye and you end up hating who you have become. It makes me question whether I am not meant to get close to people or if anxiety isn’t the real problem, but I am.
To live your life with the bitch of anxiety is not a fashion statement or an excuse for bad behaviour. It is something that you are desperately trying to control, but it is a slippery fucker that you struggle to grasp on to. To live with anxiety means sleepless nights and tired days and feeling like you are on the edge all the time. It can mean people can get the worse impression of you but it is nothing compared to what you think of yourself.
To live with anxiety is to live with either have an overactive mind or an eery quiet mind and not knowing what you prefer more, to feel everything or nothing. To live with anxiety means crying your eyes out over something that most people could laugh off or having your heart race so face you think it is going to jump out of your chest.
To live with anxiety isn’t easy and I wish more than anything it was something I could just remove from my life. Living with anxiety sometimes means shutting down from the world around you until you feel strong enough to face it again.I have good days and bad days and I am working on having more good than bad. Today was a bad day and there is nothing I can do about that now, I have to move forward.
This was my first full week of work in a long time, I never thought I would see this day again. If this week has shown me anything, it would be the small things really do make a big difference. I felt like a human again this week. It sounds silly to get teary about going to work for a whole week, but to me, it is such an achievement. Sarcoidosis, which is one of the conditions i have, took my life away from me for over a year I have felt trapped in my mind and body this year and I am now only just starting to break out of it.
Trapped inside a cage.
This drawing was inspired by something my therapist said in one of our sessions. My therapist noticed I speak about my mind and body like they are not a part of me, but instead, I see them as a cage I can’t get out of. My mind can be too much for me at times, it can feel like it is a thunderstorm of negativety that I can’t find cover from, a whirlwind of anxiety I can’t run from and a mindfield of issues that trip me up. My mind is a place that has dragged me into some of my darkest moments. My body is something that I looked at in disgust, I have felt constantly let down by it, both because of illness and appearance, has made me see my body as something I can’t accept. I have tried to fix it but I have felt unfixable for a long time.
I have felt trapped inside a cage of my own doing for a long time. My mind and body have always been the enemy to me, instead of a part of me, if that makes sense. I have made small steps this year to embrace my mind and body. I have made improvements in being kinder to myself and I hope there is more to come. Those small steps will one day break me out of the cage of my own doing and let me be free one day, not just free but whole again, and see beauty in the scars that are inside and out.
For the first time in a long time, I am starting to feel like a functioning adult. It feels weird as fuck±! I remember telling my therapist a few weeks ago that I wanted to just feel normal, which she then replied, what is normal? A lot has happened to turn my life upside down and inside out, which has made me feel out of sync with the world around me. I didn’t have any purpose to get out of bed, to have any motivation to do anything because it felt like everything was shit, so what was the point. So by me having a new job that I can safely do, helps give me a reason to get up in the morning. So that is what I meant by normal, I feel like I need to find my place in the world again.
Don\t get me wrong, I am sure the shine will start to fade soon and I will be like every other adult again, cursing early mornings and hating morning people who talk to you before your caffeine hits your system. At least I am brushing my hair now regularly and not living in the same set of pyjamas for days on end. Hmmm, actually may be returning to the world of adulthood was a mistake.
Tip of the day –
Following the bread crumbs.
We all can get a little lost in the world at times, we can all feel like we just cant human right. I am still lost but I am following the bread crumbs that I left myself to find my way again. We don’t need to try and be like anyone else to find ourselves or even look for who we used to be. We need to look for who we are now and build on that for who we are going to be. If we follow someone else’s breadcrumbs we could end up finding who they want us to be instead of who we want us to be.
If we wait for perfection to lead the way to who we want to be, then we may end up lost for a long time.
What are the bread crumbs?
Well, that depends on the person, but to me, breadcrumbs can be the good days where I can laugh and not have anxiety dictate my day. The days where I can see the tiny victories, even if it is has been a bad day. Breadcrumbs are the little things that remind us who we are and show us the good qualities we have.
We don’t have to be doing everything right all the time just because we are adults now, and chasing that perfection may have been the thing that got us lost in the first place. Instead, chase the imperfect days where there are moments of good shit, bad shit and fuck this shit!
This coming week is going to be a big week for me, there is going to be a lot of changes and hopefully, they will all turn out to be good changes. The thing is, the bitch of anxiety is currently trying to let me know I’m going to fail at what is ahead and the changes that are coming are bad to the fucking bone. I know this is not true, because those changes haven’t had a chance to play out yet, but that doesn’t mean my anxiety isn’t convincing.
That’s the bitch of anxiety for ya, she likes to put her grubby hands all over everything. She is the master of chaos when there is not any chaos to be found. Well, I am going through with these changes next week whether the bitch of anxiety likes it or not, as I need to move forward.
Tip of the day is –
Stepping into the unknown.
Sometimes we can’t even see the next step forward we need to take. It can feel like we are about to step off a cliff edge instead of a step forward. If we stay where we are and don’t take a step forward, the cliff edge we are standing on may crumble under our feet anyway. Not every step forward is going to make it clear go you, there is not going to be neon signs saying ”right this way”. The blank space that lays before you is scary, but it also means that you can transform that blank space with that step forward. Turn a dark space into something filled with light and hope from that step forward. Leave that crumbling cliff edge behind you, because you have outgrown that place that is behind you, it no longer serves you.
A part of me is like, it is mental health day every day for me and the same for a lot of people. Then another part of me is like, well if we didn’t have days like this where we can positively use social media to spread awareness instead of our latest sefie, then it would be even harder to spread awareness. Just think back, if you are old enough, when we didn’t have the resources of social media. Unless you saw an advert, had a weird assembly at school or went to your doctors, we didn’t have spreading awareness. Now, not only can we learn from days like this we can also take part in spreading the awareness. So if you are one of those people who don’t see the point in days like today, well then this post ain’t for you.
Hiding behind a smile.
I have been always been one of those people who can hide how they’re feeling behind a sarcastic comment or a joke. I would rather make someone laugh than honestly answer that question, “how are you?” It becomes second nature, an easy mask you can slip on in public.
You don’t want to feel like a burden, weird or crazy to other people.
I didn’t realise until I hit a really low point in my life how important taking care of your mental health was. I wasn’t taught about depression or anxiety or anything about mental health at school. I didn’t talk about any of that shit at home either because my parents are from a generation where you didn’t talk about that kind of stuff.
So a lot of us are backed into a corner with a smile on our face not knowing how to deal with our mental health. That is why days like today are important because it helps people see they are not alone and there are ways to improve your mental health, you don’t have to suffer behind a smile.
We have the power now to share our stories, tips and advice. We have the power to help one another and turn a smile that people hide behind into an actual smile. We don’t need to suffer alone anymore because we are not alone.
Did I ever tell you that about the time I was in such a rush to get home because I felt like anxiety was closing the world in around me, that I walked up to the wrong house and was trying to open the door with my key for a good few minutes. I can laugh about it now because I must have looked like an idiot cursing at a door that didn’t belong to me ( thank god no one was home). I remember finally realising that I was telling the wrong door to ” fucking open you piece of shit”, I felt like anxiety was going to swallow me whole. I was only one house along, and as soon as I closed my front door, I cried my eyes out. Was I crying over the original anxiety or the new anxiety from trying to get into the wrong house?
I was crying for my sheer frustration with anxiety. Like seriously, how the fuck did I not recognise my own house, and why did I let anxiety control me like this. That is the thing with anxiety, your blinders are on and the only world you can see and comprehend is the world anxiety has twisted before you. You sense of humour goes straight out the window along with your rationality.
In reality, we all do stupid things that embarrass us and in that moment it may feel like the whole world is going to end because of it. When you combine anxiety and embarrassment that can be a lethal bomb about to explode inside your mind, and it is a tricky bomb to defuse.
So just like how we need to remember that sometimes we make mistakes, we also need to remember that sometimes we do stupid shit. Like, I have lost count how many times I have left my house with my top inside out, or left my phone in the fridge and even spent a good portion of my mornings at work with toothpaste on my chin. Stupid shit happens to us all, and it is not easy to turn down anxiety’s volume and take off those blinders but it is not impossible either.
So next time you do something stupid whether it is an hour or a day or a week after it has happened, try and look back and laugh, and turn that anxious memory into a funny one.
What a fucking week it has been so instead of moaning on for a paragraph or two, I will just give you the cliff notes.
My doctor needs 2-week notice before I need an appointment, as that is the current waiting time.
A bird pooped on my head.
I ripped my favourite jeans in the crotch.
Anxiety has been crawling around my mind.
I got some good news on the job front.
I didn’t win the lottery.
I got back into the gym.
I think that is everything from this week, at the least the bird pooping on me gave me some good luck on the job front. I nearly had to break out the teapot as it felt like there wasn’t enough tea in the world that could get me through this week. I think as well with it being my first week without therapy it kind of threw me off-kilter, I felt a little lost without it this week.
Being an adult is a hard job.
I was starting to get the feeling that I was fading away these past few weeks, I couldn’t grasp onto anything to keep me here. It was like Thanos had come along and snapped his fingers and I was slowly turning into dust. This isn’t a movie though, no Avengers were coming along to save me. I had to get my Iron-man on and make the sacrifice to save the day. I had to keep trying and keep fighting even though it felt like there was no hope and I was convinced I was going to be dust.
We have to make the hard choices as an adult, we have to deal with feeling like we are useless if we don’t fit the norm and most of the time we would rather be hiding under our covers when life gets just too much. We all wish that a hero or two would just come along and save the day for us because we are not prepared for this shit.
The thing is we don’t always realise we have to be the heroes of our own story and keep fighting when we are tired and battered by life.
Being an adult can be a right fucking bitch it ain’t easy but just remember those heroes we look up to like the Avengers, they got knocked down a bunch of times, lost battles, lost hope but at the end of the day, they won. That victory took sacrifice and I am sure plenty of cursing and days where they couldn’t even be bothered to shower let alone save the world. They don’t show all that in the movies but this isn’t a movie this is life and we all go through this shit, we just need to be the hero of our lives and not give up.