Sister Act

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Hey everyone 🙂

So today I was doing my usual browsing of Pinterest, that app is so addictive, am I the only one who has basically Pinterested (is that even a word) their life for the next few years! Well because I love looking at the quotes, on my suggested wall a quote popped up which was kind caused a reaction like a little stab to the heart.
It was like one of those moments where time stood still, my heart-felt like it was going to beat its self out of my chest, the walls were closing in and mind was going a mile a minute. It may seem crazy how just words on a screen can cause that sort of emotional reaction. These words though, felt like I had written them myself.

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These are the reason why it hit me so hard. I have 3 siblings and we are all so different and we all have our quirks, like most siblings. My one sister though, we were like chalk and cheese. We had your normal sisterly arguments, I take her stuff without asking or I was the annoying little sister who wanted to be around her constantly. Also great times like making up dance routines and watching Disney films together. Over time though our differences pulled us further and further apart, plus having six years between us meant when I was wanting to play while she was hitting her teenage moody years!
But other things came into play, I started to feel more and more my parents made out that my sister was the good daughter and I was the bad daughter. I was bullied at school she was popular. I wanted to stay in bed as long as could she would get up and early and help around the house. She grew up to be a beautiful woman and I was the fat ugly one. I was always told to suck in my belly put on diets from the age of 10 and was humiliated when clothes wouldn’t fit me when they fitted my sister at a certain age. I remember writing a letter to my sister and sliding it under her door, asking her to show me how to be like her so mom and dad would love me. There were times where my parents would even involve my sister in things with me when I did something wrong and it definitely caused more strain to the point where we just stopped talking altogether.
But now years later I can say my sister is one of my best friends, there was a family situation last year that brought us closer together. We are still very different people but have accepted that about each other and learned to build a bond. I speak to her most days and I now can speak to her about anything and I will never let anything get between us again. I don’t know what I would do with out her.
I now know in a way my parents wrongly (even though they would disagree with this) loved us and treated us in different ways, to the point where it felt we were pitted against one another. It was helpful to them in a way we did not get along. For a long time, I felt like I lived in her shadows and I had a lot of jealousy towards her. My opens have been opened and I now realize that she has her own issues and problems like myself, things were not as rosy as I thought there were for her. I am so proud of the strength she has and the woman she has become and I can definitely say I look up to my sister for all the right reasons.

Take care all

Vixxy Rose

XXX

Knowledge + Power = Superhero!

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope you all had a great weekend, mine was hard, I had a situation that caused me to have high anxiety and took me most the weekend to calm down from it. I glad I have though, as I don’t want to carry the anxiety and stress forward to next week, considering I am starting my new job :). I did have nominations one for a Liebster award and one for Versatile Blogger award by the lovely Nia Shea from wonderlandsangels.wordpress.com. Thank you so much means a lot to me and I am so glad people enjoy my blogs! I will be completing my posts for these awards this week.
It is so important as a blogger to read other people’s blogs and interact and help one another. I have learned so much and enjoyed other  people’s blogs and in these last few months, as it has helped me more ways than one. So thank you to the other bloggers out there for inspiring this small time blogger.

So my tip for today is…… LEARN!!!

I personally think that we never stop learning but you have to accept the knowledge you gain to truly learn by it. This past few months strike that, most my life has been a whirlwind, but it has only been recently I have learned things about myself. I knew I had a mental illness and PCOS but I didn’t learn anything about it I just accepted. So I decided to put in the research about those conditions and other people with them, because of that my eyes have been opened and I have become more accepting of myself.
It is so easy to become defeated and take a negative view of things when you suffer from mental illness, Why is that? Because a negative viewpoint, as it is comfortable and feels like the norm, compared to taking a positive outlook which can be new and scary, the risks always seem greater. The more risks you learn to take the quicker you will learn that the risks were worth it.
We can learn :
• To trust others again
• To trust ourselves
• We are not alone
• Things are not always as bad as they seem
• Pain doesn’t have to last forever
The list can go on and on because there are always new things to learn, as it is true what they say, knowledge is power and I think we all have the ability to learn we have the power to be a superhero.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Frenemies

 

1fdb3e9e9c3f8d3997a2624b25a86f12--negativity-quotes-anger-quotes.jpgHey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone is having a good week, not far off the weekend now (inside cheer!). I had some good news this week my new job has moved up my start date so I will be starting on Monday eeeek!! I am so excited and so anxious at the same time. What if people don’t like me? What if they are mean? What if I am rubbish at it? So on and so on…. Yep thank you bitch of anxiety for butting into my life when it is going ok, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
This week I have noticed a few people tweeting about the same thing, losing friendships because of their mental illness. It definitely struck a chord with me and made a rush of emotions and memories come flooding through my mind. So I thought I would approach this subject the best way I know how. So many people have lost friendships due to friends not handling their mental illness very well and this is my experience with it.

This is a letter to my ex-best friend…..

To my ex-best friend,

So what has it been now 5 years since we last spoke, well I say spoke but the last words we spoke to one another weren’t exactly pleasant. So a lot has changed in these last 5 years, I hear through the grape-vine you have a son now and you have fixed things with your mom I am so happy for you.
Wait a minute what am I doing! Why am I being so nice? I hate to admit this but I am still angry with you, I treated you like a sister, I helped you when no one else did, I stuck up for you when people were upset with you, I helped you whenever you needed it. How do you repay me? By turning your back on me again when I needed you the most. Yes twice I forgave you the first time against my better judgment and everyone else telling me not to, and no matter how there are still times now where I miss you, I will not forgive you again.
We were two peas in a pod, we did everything together we had similar issues. Both our home lives were unstable and yes there were times you stood by me as much as I stood by you so what changed? You took me in when I was kicked out and yes I was not the best houseguest but I tried my best. I would have gone to the end of the earth for you and how do you repay me when I decide to leave, by destroying everything I owned, including letters I had from my nan before she died. How could you do that? You know how much she meant to me you had the same relationship with your nan. Instead of coming to me you had a problem with me staying you just decided to alienate me from my friends and decimate my character even to my own family.
As usual, I forgave you didn’t I! A friend of ours calls me a few months later telling me she was worried about you and your behavior, and what do I do I come over the next day and try to talk to you but you turn me away like I was nothing. But eventually, we did fix things again we were back to 2 peas in a pod. We were hanging out every day again with our other friend having laughs making memories. We were the three amigos! Remember the time we went to theme park dressed as pirates 🙂 The late night meet ups at the park as we didn’t live that far away from one another. But I was struggling I wanted to tell you I really did I didn’t mean to lie and make excuses for not meeting up. Home life was getting bad again and my depression was just wearing me down day by day I didn’t know what to do. But if you remember I did come to you and tell you and what did you do, you came into my home and flushed my anti-depressant down the toilet. It was my choice to take them not yours. So I stopped coming out and was making stupid decisions and yes I lied but I felt like you were treating me like a child telling what to do. Then one day you turned your back and told me you wanted nothing to do with me, you used my issues I confided to you against me. Told me what a bad person I was and again just turned so cold, didn’t 7 years of friendship mean nothing to you! Ok so you didn’t want to be my friend anymore fine but there was no need to do the things you did. Like the time when our friend’s mom passed away and I told you and then you proceeded to say I was using a dead woman to try and talk to you again. How sick do you think I am!

I could go on and on. But you know what I do wish you well even though you turned your back on me. I know I have issues and I accept that. But you my dear have demons yourself and one day you should face them too.

Well thank you for the memories

Vicky
xxx

A Postive In A Negative

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone is having a great weekend 🙂 I am enjoying my weekend with my boyfriend and friends. Honestly, even though I still feel a bit low I won’t let it take my weekend away from me and my boyfriend, 5 years together wow! We don’t have the perfect relationship but we are just us. We are silly and childish and still have play fights where we pretend we are in a Bruce Lee movie. We can argue like cat and mouse, he is my best friend though, my pinky to my brain and I don’t think I would be where I am without him.

So I am going to keep this post short and sweet so I can carry on my lovely weekend with him 🙂
My tip of the day is………… STUBBORNNESS!

If this weekend has taught me anything, it is I am one stubborn human being. Yes, stubbornness can be a negative thing but sometimes we need to see the positive in a negative. I can get stuck in my ways, I can be childish when things don’t go my own way. It also means though I don’t give up.
I won’t let my Cyclothymia define me and destroy my life. Yes, there will be days where you don’t want to take part in life and just fade away alone, and I have them too. But it I won’t let my mental health condition take more away from me than what it already has. I will carry on living my life even when I don’t want to. I will keep raising awareness of mental health to help end the stigma so more people get help. I will keep being me because even though I have mental health illness I have achieved a lot in my life. Yes, I have PCOS but I will push forward with improving my fertility and my day-to-day life.

So be stubborn don’t let your condition define who you are as it’s just a part of who you are. Because everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not ok then it’s not the end.

Sorry for the short post I am off now to go carry on our anniversary celebrations, bowling and then back to the restaurant where we had our first date 🙂

Take care warriors

Vixxy Rose
xxx

The Thing We Can’t See

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone had a great weekend; mine was definitely different but fun. Even though I can feel a low mood slowing seep into my body like a poison, I wasn’t going to let life just rush on by. There was kind of mini school reunion happening on Saturday night and I have been umming and ahhing over it for weeks now. As I have previously stated school was not exactly fun for me but there were people going who I would love to see again. So Saturday comes around and thanks to some kind words of encouragement off some old friends who were going to the reunion, I decided to bite the bullet and go. Yes, my mind was making a full detailed argument. No one likes you! They will laugh at you! No one will talk to you! You will embarrass yourself! Oh yeah, my anxiety was being a right chatterbox but behind all those loud thoughts talking over one another, there was a whisper trying to be heard saying go it will be ok. To cut a long story short, I did go and it was an amazing night I spoke to people who I haven’t spoken to in a long time I spoke to people who I never spoke to at school. We laughed, we drank, we danced, we drank some more and yes there were moments of the night where I sat in the toilet and had to calm myself down from a panic attack but it was worth it. Best night I have had in a long time 🙂

So this brings me to my tip of the day……..Strength!!!

There are many forms of mental illnesses, with varied symptoms, but they all have one thing in common. They all have the ability to make us feel weak and worthless, they can strip us down mentally and physically. Most the time though these debilitating thoughts are just smoke and mirrors it’s not true, but when it is your own mind telling you this how can you not believe it.
So to deal with that and still get up most mornings and carry on living your life the best you can, shows some serious amount of inner strength. You can’ t see it, or feel it but that doesn’t mean it is not there.

• So if you want to have a self-care day, it takes strength to admit that you need that time to yourself.
• If you go out to meet some friends even though your anxiety tells you not too, that takes strength.
• If you get up in the morning and get showered and dressed when you just want to hide in bed, that takes strength.
• If you share with some close to you that you’re not ok, that takes strength.
• To all those people who share their story where it’s a blog or twitter or any other form of social network, that takes strength.

Whether you believe or not, dealing with mental health problems is tiring, scary, and unpredictable but also the person dealing with it is strong, brave and a fucking badass!

Take care all,

VixxyRose

xxx

 

Improving Is Loving

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Hey, everyone 🙂

Hope everyone has had a good week and is looking forward to the weekend. In my last post, I spoke about focusing on the tiny victories we can have through the day and not realize it. So I have been writing down every day my tiny victories so when I am having a bad anxiety or feeling particular down, I have something to focus on. It really has helped 🙂
I have had a good run the last few weeks of just feeling myself more and more, a few dips here and there, I feel like the cloud of depression and the diva of anxiety just likes to pop in now and then to remind me they are still there.
Today though I felt that change already start happening as soon as I woke up, it had been a difficult sleep, I don’t know how well to explain it, I just can feel a mood change coming. Like an inch underneath the skin, you can’t scratch, a gut feeling something bad is going to happen, the hopefulness feeling I have had these last few weeks just trickling away. A low mood is about to stop at my station, which is funny considering I am always missing trains due to my lateness, why oh why can’t I miss this train.

So this leads me to my tip of the day…….. IMPROVE!!!

For years now I have tried to change who I am, what I look like, how I act, what I do, etc. (trust me I could go on). So instead of trying to change who I am, I need to learn to just improve who I am and forgive myself for the things I cannot control. I can’t control I have a mental illness, I can’t control I have PCOS and I can’t control how other people see me or treat me. So just my changing that word from change to improve, its turning a negative into a positive.
Things like:
• I am not going to see it as changing my weight I am going to improve my self-esteem and my body as a whole.
• Instead of trying to change my mental health and be in denial, I am going to improve my mental health and be better prepared for a mood changes.
• Instead of trying to change the world, I am going to try to improve it.

By changing that one word to improve, it’s lifting a weight off my shoulders as there is no fear of failing, improve is such a positive word and the smallest thing can count as an improvement.

• Taking care of your self better.
• Making time for your self.
• Doing something with friends.
• Reading more.

So if there are things you want to change, do you really need all that pressure that word entails? Improve your journey and lighten the load.

“We all carry our past. But it is a case of getting on with your life and improving it if you want to.” – Vinnie Jones

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading, take care all 🙂

Vixxy Rose

xxx

The Tiny Victories

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Hey, everyone 🙂
So new things have started already, exciting times ahead! I have now got a contact page yay! Finally, I won’t even go into the detail of the embarrassing story of me trying to figure it out it was a button click away oops! So please any inquiries please feel free to drop me a message. Most of you know I use my Twitter a lot I love the mental health community on there is full of some amazing people. I wanted to expand my communication with you all so not just do I have the contact page please feel free to add me on my new Instagram, you will find the link on the side.
I have some exciting things in my life happening, I have a new job (finally) I can not wait to start it in September, I finally feel I have found my feet a little in this crazy world, I don’t feel as lost anymore.
Let’s get to it then, my tip of the day is….. Tiny Victories!
I am as guilty as a lot of you in dwelling on the things going wrong in my life, which I forget about the tiny victories I do achieve.
For example:
• Getting up in the morning and getting dressed.
• Texting people back when you feel like pushing people away.
• Maintaining a normal eating and drinking habit.
• Going out to the shop to get essentials.
I could go on as there are tiny victories we don’t see that we achieve on a daily basis. Someone called me brave the other day because I have social anxiety and I still work. Straight I away I was like no way I am not brave at all, I have no friends at work and most the time I want to hide under my desk! There you see I have missed out on seeing my own little victory.
So I am going to start to write them down (because I have enough stationary to start my own branch of WHSmiths). So when I am feeling completely hopeless I have something to look at to show me I am not. One of them being is this blog I have been doing it for 4 months now and I never dreamed I would get the response that I have, that to me is a tiny victory indeed.
So have a think about your tiny victories, and please feel free to write them in the comments I would love to read them.
Take care, everyone,
VixxyRose
xxx

Liebster award

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What an interesting day it has been!
Today, I got nominated for the Liebster Award by the lovely prenika. Thanks for the nomination and to all people: if you don’t know her, you should defenitely check out her blog! Thank you again for the nomination.  It makes me so happy!
Okay, here’s the rules:
1) Post a short Q&A about themselves
2) Answer the questions the tagger has asked
3) Create a new list of questions for their own nominees
4) Choose a list of their own nominees and notify them
About me:
Q: Were you named after anyone?
A: Kind of. My middle name is Rose and it was going to be my first name for a while. Both my great nan’s were called Rose. Both were very strong smart women.
Q: If you could go back to any time, during your own life, when would it be and how come?
A: I would go back to when i was 10. My nan died not long after my 18th birthday and i used to go my nan’s every day after school, i would love to relive those days. Those were the best days.
Q: What are your Top 3 things that matter to you more than anything else in the world?
A: Hmmm the top 3 things I would say number 1 is my siblings, we have had some ups and downs over the years but i don’t know what i would do without them. Number 3 is my boyfriend, i don’t know what i would do without him, he is my bestfriend and truely the love of my life and has been for the past 5 years. Number 3 is, my friends, even though i met them through my boyfriend they have become people i love to spend time with and truly be my self around.
Q: What is your favorite sport team? Why?
A: I dont really follow sport to be honest.
Q: Favorite Music?
A: Music is my life! so hard to choose a favourite, i like everything from rock, Motown, rap and even classical.
The questions that have been chosen for me: 
Q:What is your biggest regret in life, and if you are okay with sharing, How come?
A: My biggest regret in life is the path i went down when i was 17-18, instead of focusing at school i let the bullies win and i lost my joy for learning. I regret this because i know i could have done better and gone to university but i chose the hard way in life.
Q:If someone just came up to you and offered a helping hand with anything you needed at all, what would it be that you’d ask for help?
A: I would ask for help with ending the stigma to mental health. So more people get helped without feeling they are being judged.
Q:What is the most interesting thing you have come across in the last 2 weeks? It can be anything, the news, an item, something you never knew.
A: Hmm the most interesting thing i have come across in the last 2 weeks, has to be, i never knew is the Mandela effect. It’s when people share the same false memory but is it false or is it we have gone into a parallel universe?!
Q:Are you more of a morning person or a night owl??
A: Night owl definitely I am vial in the mornings. i am the type of person who doesn’t like to be spoken to until i am fully awake.
Q:Are you the type of person who feels uncomfortable when a conversation about sex comes up, or are you one to jump in and join the conversation?
A: Erm no strangly considering my anxiety, sex is normal thing don’t think anyone should be ashamed to talk about it.
My questions for you are:
1) If you could go back on time to any point where would you go and why?
2) What is your favourite quality about yourself?
3) If you could have any super power what would it be and why?
4) Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I nominate:

 Neurodivergent Rebel @neurodivergentrebel
livien1995  @livien1995
life as Kaylee @lifeaskaylee24
Ryan Harbold @thedailyblurblife

Thank you for the nomination @dfriend1991 i really appreciate it 🙂 helped put a smile on my face 🙂 and to the ones nominated i love your blogs and you have all been very supportive of mine. Good luck!

Take care,
Vicky

Shadow Of The Day

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Hey everyone!

This is not my originally planned blog I was working on, due to the sad news of Chester Bennington passing away from suicide; I am going to devote this blog to his memory.

Chester was the lead singer of Linkin Park, they created the way for nu-metal and even if you were not into that type of music I am more than positive you were a fan of one of their songs. He will be remembered by his beautiful but honest lyrics and his haunting vocals. He clearly met a lot of the people around him and his fans as the tributes pour in.

I remember when I started listening to them (borrowing my brothers CD’s) and I instantly was like I LOVE THIS BAND!! I was at the start of my emo phase in my life and probably the most difficult time. They have been slated time now and then because of their music changes but what the hell is wrong with that. But in 2007 my life and my mental health were on a downward spiral, and I saw no end to it. So it was one of the first times I considered ending my life. I remember one night I was sat in my room feeling very disconnected from the world. I was listening to a random play list drinking vodka with a bunch of painkillers next to me. As just as I had made the decision to write a note the song shadow of the day came on. I just stopped what I was doing and listened and I broke, I cried till there were no tears left. I felt like it was fate hearing those lyrics at that point and till this day I know that song saved me from taking my life.

From the people who I know who was a fan of him, there is something we have in common, and that Linkin Park’s music has saved their lives at some point. Their lyrics were so deep and filled with emotion and obviously a reflection of the turmoil he was going through with his mind for a long time.

 

So this brings me on to my tip of the day which is……. HELP!

 

Sadly he is not the only person who’s demons are just too much for him to handle, and it shows you that you can have the world at your feet but still deal with the bitch of depression. There are so many people out there who are dealing with mental illness alone and feels like there isn’t anything that can help them, I know I have been there. But you are wrong there is the help and support out there, the best thing I ever did was  admitting to myself and to others I needed help.

So there is one thing we can take away from the tragedy is this stigma linked to mental health problems needs to be wiped out. Please if you are suffering speak out to someone whether it is a friend, family member or doctor just someone. The weight you carry on your shoulders will lighten, by opening up not only are you helping yourself but you’re helping others. You are helping wipe out the stigma; you help others not feel so alone. So before you think it’s the end for you remember your story isn’t over with yet.

Stay safe out there people, we are all in this together.

Vicky xxx

P.S -EMO ME!

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Counting Sheep…..

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope you all had a great weekend, I was a very busy bee this weekend, went to the cinema (war of the planet of the apes what a great film), it was my friends baby girl’s naming ceremony. So even though it was a great weekend seeing friends, it eventually caught up with me and by Sunday evening my diva of anxiety was tingling away under my skin. It felt like my thoughts were going 60 miles a minute just couldn’t seem to slow them down. Did I say something stupid? Did I look stupid? Do they really like me? Wow, my anxiety is such an attention seeking cow bag! Just let me have a great weekend without second guessing it, please.

So this brings me on to my tip of the day…….. REST!

Sleep one of my favourite past times, it is just as important as eating and drinking to a human being. My sleeping pattern admittedly is not great, I either can sleep too much or too little I am struggling to find a happy medium. My off such is broken and I really don’t know how to fix it but I am going to take the steps to improve it the best I can.
Sleep can do wonders for your body in so many ways, you recharge your batteries and it gives you mind some time to rearrange your thoughts into the right boxes up there.
The first step I am taking is routine, I am trying to do things that relax me every night an hour before I need to sleep. I say goodnight to the people I am talking to so I don’t have any distractions while I am trying to get settled. Mute group chats because even know I am going to sleep they could talk for hours and that “beep beep” is just too tempting for me to ignore. The second step I am taking is some nights I will have a nice hot bath with candles music, you know the typical girl’s stuff but you know what it works. I recommend getting into to bed earlier than you need to, get comfy and do something in bed for maybe 30 minutes, some people read some do adult colouring books, whatever floats your boat.
Now there are 3 things I have tried and tested and can work a treat on me to get me to sleep.
• Sleep hypnosis recordings on YouTube can work wonders. Some of them can be hit or miss and don’t work for everyone, my boyfriend things they are annoying for instance. But I have found some great ones for anxiety and depression. I will add some links at the bottom.
• Lavender spray, again this one I really wasn’t sure about but a friend recommended it to me. Smell is one of those senses that can evoke the mind just think of when you smell food cooking you are instantly hungry. A few sprays and your pillow smells like you have just washed them, you can’t beat that feeling of fresh smelling sheets. The spray definitely brings on feelings of relaxation.
• Valerian capsules, this are an herbal tablet I have tried on and off for a while. They actually have a multi use, they can be used to help anxiety as well as aid sleep. So my use for them has varied but I have always seen great results from them. You can get them from Holland and Barrett or other health food places and very reasonably priced.

Like I said at the beginning, I am not perfect and I a still trying to sort my routine out, but I think we all can relate to that feeling when we do finally get a good night sleep. We can go to bed feeling the weight of the world on our shoulders and then when we wake up it has lightened. I feel like under sleeping is a lot easier to fix then over sleeping when I am depressed, I am still trying to work on that.
Well, thank you for reading guys and girls. Pleasant dreams!

Vicky xxx

Two hypnosis channels I use.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9GoqHypa-SDrGPMyeBkjKw

https://www.youtube.com/user/jodywhiteley