Hope everyone is ok and if you are not, remember that it is ok not to be ok :). I guess I have got some explaining to do, I kind of took a hiatus from my blog and my social media for a few days as I was in desperate need of self-care. I wouldn’t class it as a low cycle though, I really do think I understand my Cyclothymia a lot better to know this time it wasn’t the cause of this.
I am going to turn it into a tip of the day– Warning signs!
I would say for the last few weeks I have made some mistakes in either not recognizing my warning signs or ignoring them completely, which I know was fucking stupid of me. It was like I was sitting in a room and it started filling up with smoke and the fire alarm is ringing away and I am just sitting there reading a book going la la la it is not happening.
For the last few weeks, things have esculated with a family situation, at this moment I won’t discuss, and I was pushing my feelings away just so I can concentrate on others. Well that blew up in my face, last weekend I literally reached a breaking point and I was sobbing my heart out and overcome with such sadness I decided to blog about it. I finished the post and gave it to my partner to read, which I rarely do, and he was like “babe you can’t post this”. I took my laptop back off him and re-read what I wrote and what started as a letter to my family explaining how I felt, slowing turned into a suicide note. It was then I knew I had taken on too much on my shoulders and it had broken me and I needed to put the pieces of my mind back together.
After a few days of self-care and honestly some selfishness, I feel better. Yes, the situation is stilling going on but I know now I can’t deal with it the way I was. I need to remember my feelings matter as well as other people’s, I cannot fix everything and when the warning signs are going off don’t ignore them or I will get burnt again.
So my advice to myself and to others, if the warning signs are going off please don’t ignore them stop drop and roll into some self-care as it will save your life.
Take care all,
Hope everyone is doing ok, and if you are not doing ok remember that’s ok too. I am doing better than I was a few weeks ago, I have noticed though even though my cycles of high and low frequency is getting lower the time recovering from them is getting higher. I keep finding things that are triggering me more and more but I think I have gotten to the bottom of it….
Which leads me onto my Tip Of The Day is…
Don’t run before you can walk.
I think I can get so caught up in the relieve of getting through a cycle whether it’s a high or low, I am so thankful to have my mind back and having the dark cloud of depression and the bitch of anxiety off my back, my self-care just goes out the window. I need to slow the fuck down and take a breather.
It’s like running a marathon and just going for a jog after, not relaxing my body after and let it recover. Yes, it is a victory to get through a cycle but I am putting all of my focus on that and not on the bigger picture. For example, I have gone through a low cycle and then proceeded to put myself in the middle of a situation that is a trigger for me. I should have waited and let my mind recover instead of pushing myself too soon, the consequences of this caused the bitch of anxiety to come back from under her rock.
I seem to have a plan of self for care during these cycles, but what about in between? I cannot keep being so reckless with my mind as it is so delicate.
There is a lot more help and information for depression and anxiety and mental health problems in general, but what about the part between the lines?
It is so easy to get caught up in the joy of when you are feeling better, but try to not let it slip your mind that you still need to keep your focus.
If you feel that something is too much for you to handle don’t push yourself too hard your mind has just run a marathon it needs time to recover, yes you are a superhero but even superheroes need their rest.
Me personally I know when I write things down I can process things a lot easier, so I am going to try and carry on my lists of tiny victories most days. So when the time comes to a situation where I feel like I need to do something but I don’t want to, I can look at my list and say no to myself as I have achieved a lot today I don’t need to push myself.
So I got tagged in a great post a few days ago by the lovely Post IVF world . Please check out the post, it is fantastic and a great insight into someone who really is a real fertility warrior. So, on her blog she has posted someone questions for people to answer, which she has answered herself.
I wanted to dedicate a post to my answers to her questions, as I believe that it is important to keep spreading awareness for those struggling with fertility issues.
So here it goes…
Are you male or female?
Where are you in your infertility journey?
I am currently doing more and more research into my condition, and I due to a miscarriage last year I have now started my journey with doctors in investigating my chances of conceiving naturally and how to improve my chances.
What is your infertility diagnosis if you have one?
I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome suffered a burst ectopic pregnancy which meant I had a to have a fallopian tube removed.
How old were you when you got your diagnosis and how old are you now?
I was 17 when I finally got my diagnosis, after many years of begging the doctors for help.
What do you do to keep your spirit’s up on the tough days?
I have to say my blog has been a massive help recently in keeping up my spirits lately. Also going to sound stupid but I have had a reading with a psychic which really helped me, I don’t care if people think that stuff is a load of rubbish what was said to me was not. I also have 3 beautiful nephews and friends with children who I consider my nieces and nephew.
How do you feel you have been treated by medical professionals?
Awfully I haven’t had any help really until recently when I asked for help with checking my chances in conceiving, that’s only one symptom of many I have. I have been told I am fat and looked down by doctors most of the information I now know about PCOS I have learned from my own research.
Have you been offered support of any kind?
None what so ever, and as a confused 17 years old that has had some damaging effects.
If so have you had any?
I have had therapy where I have talked about my fertility problems as well as my mental health.
How do your issues affect you on a day to day basis?
There are many symptoms of PCOS, weight gain, mental health, pain, tiredness, hair loss are the main ones. I deal with every single one of these on a daily basis.
If you could tell yourself something back when you were first diagnosed what would it be?
Don’t take no for an answer, make them help you understand your condition.
Where those were my answers, to those fertility warriors out there, have a go at these questions and see if it will help you understand where you are now with your fertility and where you want to be.
My last post I mentioned I was dealing with a low mood cycle, thanks again Cyclothymia! I wish I was completely out of that cycle but sadly I am not, I am better but still feeling pretty low, even though I have some great things going on at the moment. As we all know though you could have a rainbow but still have the rain. So I am fighting through it day by day with good methods and a few bad ones, to be honest.
So today I thought I would do a post with me addressing my depression by letter.
I feel sometimes I can’t either verbalize how I feel or I am too scared to because of that ugly thing called stigma. When I write though it just flows from my fingertips and that weight on my shoulders gets lighter with each word I type.
Here goes nothing…
Dear To Oi! Depression,
You are one twisted sick motherfucker; I could go on with the insults but why waste time. You have taken some the years of my life so far that should have been the best years of my life, away from me. Think about the times you made me feel empty, hopeless, angry, and suicidal. You fed me fears and lies, made my life such a battle. What did I ever do to deserve such a bad passenger connected to my life? Who has to pick up the pieces of the mess you cause? As you can tell I am pretty damn mad at you, I just don’t understand no matter how much I try, I just can’t get rid of you. Now and then you give me my space and those times are getting longer but then like a bad smell that has tried to be covered up with perfume you are back. Well, depression I am putting my foot down, enough is enough. Fuck you and your fucking friend anxiety, I am taking my life back one way or another no matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and hit you harder.
This is your eviction notice basically, I am done with you, pack your bags and go back under that rock you came from. As I will never stop trying to get better, each tear I cry over you I will bottle turn it into strength, hope, and courage.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, strike that I hope the door smacks you in the face!
Thank you for reading everyone, and if you are not a fan of cursing I do apologize but sometimes in my eyes cursing is needed!
Take care all
So I haven’t blogged for 4 days as my mind has gone through the blender, a low mood has just hit me at high-speed. Due to this, I have concentrated on just living my life, resisting the urges to stay in bed and hide from the world, eat my feelings (I am not going to lie to all I have done that one), not push people I care about away. I could go on as a hit of depression comes with many outcomes. Have I wanted to die this week? Yes. Have I felt completely out touch with the world? Yes. Have my colleagues at work been aware of this? No. Have done my day-to-day things like cooking and cleaning? Yes.
Storms don’t last forever, I have to keep moving forward even when I every ounce of my body and mind is telling me to stop, I know if I did stop I wouldn’t start again, the race would be over for me for a while, and fuck am I starting again I am not going back to that place.
So today’s post is a question a friend of mine asked me; “ when do you think you will get rid of your demons?” my answer was “never”. I have come to the conclusion that my demons will be until the day I die and there is nothing I can do about that. Let me get things straight this isn’t me dwelling on the past or holding a grudge, this is me excepting me for me.
I may have demons but I fucking dreams too, I have depression but I am still a happy person, I have anxiety but I can be a social person. I accept the angel and the devil that sits on my shoulder and I listen to both sides of the story before I take a step forward.
So to answer my friend’s question, I won’t get rid of my demons but I have put them on a leash. Sometimes they break free from that leash and run wild but sometimes the leash is so tight on them they won’t dare to move an inch.
To all the other people out there with the demons chomping at your feet, you are a badass it takes a strong person, even if you don’t think so, to go through life with those demons.
Life is about give and take, so try not to be disheartened when give you pain and hurt as you are able to take back control.
There is a song by Hozier that definitely describes lyrically what it is like to have those demons with you.
All you have is your fire
And the place you need to reach
Don’t you ever tame your demons
But always keep them on a leash
Take care all,
Going to keep this short and I sweet 🙂 I have been blogging for a few months now and I can say hand on heart it has changed me for the good. But there have been aspects of the increased time I have spent on social media, I have not enjoyed. The pressure of staying relevant and communicating with people as much as you can is crazy! Why are we doing this to ourselves? That’s an anxiety trigger right there, I have left work feeling guilty because I can not interact with people as much as I used to and having FOMO (fear of missing out) this needs to stop, started this to get better, not worse. Also the pressure to have the perfect pictures the right set up was starting to get to me, the follow trains, the need for validation, the people who follow then unfollow you just to get your follow wtf!!
All these factors were getting me to the point where my head was going to explode and for the last week or so my social media felt more like a chore than me doing it for fun and to raise awareness.
Before people think this is a dig at people who do these it is not, go you for being good at something that I cannot keep up with. Some people blogging and social media it is a job or working towards making it a career if you are one of those people I high-five you as your commitment and talent are inspiring. I just cannot do what you do and that is ok too.
So I am going to be more careful now with not getting obsessed with numbers and likes and the need to post for the sake of post I am just going to be me.
This is me!
No make-up no giving a fuck! This is me, frizzy hair, freckles, and eyebrows not on fleek. Bags under my eyes due to lack of sleep, hair thinning due to having PCOS. Chubby cheeks because I enjoy food, hair a mix match of colour’s as I like it. I have anxiety, cyclothymia and PCOS. My blog posts and twitter posts can be full of grammar and spelling mistakes. I have stretch marks and extra pounds in many places, I laugh at my own jokes, I can be a drama queen but I don’t fit in no damn box as this is me just with added extras!.
Take care all,
Again I want to get past the word vomit like I did last time and just go straight to the point. Yesterday I experienced a typical (to me) high anxiety moment and I think the only thing that stopped it from progressing to an anxiety attack was my phone. I was trying to keep my focus on that by writing in my notes what I was feeling and going through so here is my story from yesterday.
The Late Bus
To get to my job I have to take 2 buses, it is not as long-winded as it seems, on a good day leaving work at 3:30 I will be home for just turn 4 o’clock. Unfortunately it wasn’t so simple for me that day, my 2nd bus is at 3:46pm and my 1st bus there is usually one 1 to 6 minutes for a 6 minute journey to my 2nd bus stop. Due to my anxiety I have planned this journey and checked it a lot to make sure it is right, as if I miss that 2nd bus I will have to wait an hour for the next bus.
Okay I am babbling, so to cut a long story short, my first bus was late it turned up at 3:40pm, yes I had checked the time probably every 30 seconds as each second went by I felt the anxiety rise. If the bus driver would pick up and drive on there is a small chance I could make it, I have no such luck, the bus driver swapped with another and decided to have a mothers meeting which felt like it went on for hours but clearly only a few minutes. Honestly in my mind I was calling the bus driver every name under the sun how dare he do this, first you are late and now you think it is a good time for a chat. At the same time of having the thought of going up to him and telling him to drive the fucking bus. I checked my phone 3:47pm, the anxiety fireworks has now been lit and at that moment the bus felt 100 times smaller and every eye was on me (obviously that is not the case).
Breath Vicky, I kept telling myself, there must be a plan B right?? SO I googled a plan B and I found one. So my bitch of anxiety went back into her cave, victory is mine I thought. I found if I got another bus after this one to a place closer to where I live I can get another bus which we get me home for 4:30. Only half an hour later than normal, that’s okay I thought.
So I make it to the final bus stop for the 4:19pm bus I needed to get to get home for 4:30pm in plenty of time. 4:19pm came, no bus, 4:25pm came, no bus, 4:30pm came and no fucking bus. Well guess who came out of their fucking cave, yes you guessed it, here is the bitch of anxiety and she has an attitude on her because I made her go away before. In her lovely bag of goodies she has brought, sweating, twitching, heart palpitations and paranoia. As more and more cars drove past I felt they were looking at me like they knew what was going on. I felt like my heart was going to jump out my chest. The bitch of anxiety was not done making me suffer though; she was about to pull out her final weapon, when at 4:59 the bus turned up.
The bus driver didn’t seem to care he was late or I was close to having a breakdown, he even nearly shut the doors on me that’s how much he cared the effect his lateness has caused me. At this point I wanted to dig a hole and sit and cry in it.
I finally made it home at 5:10pm. As soon as I walked through my door I just broke down, I cried for feeling so weak, I cried for feeling so stupid, I cried for being a bitch and blaming the bus drivers.
I have obviously calmed down since yesterday and the bitch of anxiety has gone back in her cave, but she still has kept a toe out. I still can feel the anxiety slightly under my skin laying dormant for the smallest thing to go wrong to invite the bitch back out her cave.
So to all those people out there who think mental health issues are just in people’s minds, well yeah technically it is but I hope that your mind never turns on you like it can turned me on me.
Take care all,
The weekend has been and gone, and so has my anxiety over this weekend. The bitch of anxiety just popped her head in for a few hours just to make to sure that I knew it is still there and poof went back into hiding. Instead of babbling on like I usually do I am going to straight to the point of this post.
Since September is suicide awareness month, I wanted to devote a few posts this month to this important cause. There have been a lot of famous faces who have committed suicide in the last few years; Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Stevie Ryan. But there are a lot more none famous people who have committed suicide, I seem to speak to more and more people who have been affected by suicide one way or another.
Many people still see suicide as cowardly, well to those people who think that fuck you! It is people like you who cause stigma, which stops people from getting the help that they need. There is a part of me that feels sorry for those people who are so closed-minded and can’t see the pain and suffering of others, I also though feel slightly jealous of them to as they have either never suffered that type of pain or go through life with rose-tinted glasses.
Well to those people this is for you, I hope one day you never have to experience an invisible illness which people don’t believe you have. I hope that you don’t one day feel so alone that it would be better off dead, I hope that one day you don’t feel like a complete failure and there is nothing out there to help you. I hope that one day you don’t go through sleep nights and days where you can’t even get out of bed. I hope that one day you don’t push the people away from that care due to you feeling ashamed of how you feel and lastly I hope one day no one judges you the way you judge us.
I know that was a lot of I hopes, but that word hope is so important because it is what keeps me going day in and day out.
So if you feel like you are running out of hope please reach it to someone.
• Samaritans (116 123) operates a 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at firstname.lastname@example.org.
• Childline (0800 1111) runs a helpline for children and young people in the UK. Calls are free and the number won’t show up on your phone bill.
• PAPYRUS (0800 068 41 41) is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
• Depression Alliance is a charity for people with depression. It doesn’t have a helpline but offers a wide range of useful resources and links to other relevant information.
• Students Against Depression is a website for students who are depressed, have a low mood or are having suicidal thoughts.
• Bullying UK is a website for both children and adults affected by bullying.
• Men may be more likely to avoid or ignore problems and many are reluctant to talk about their feelings or seek help when they need it. A support group called the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)is an excellent resource for young men who are feeling unhappy. As well as their website, CALM also has a helpline (0800 58 58 58).
Take care all,
Calmness is here everyone! It has taken nearly a week to get over my anxiety from last weekend. I do fear though, that it has been my new routine of going to my great job and having some structure Monday to Friday to then having to structure on the weekend, which sends my mind into chaos. Does anyone else have the same problem? I am between a rock and a hard place though, if I make plans for the weekend I am running the risk of causing anxiety, if I don’t make plans I run the risk of feeling low. This how finding balance thing is so hard, but it is a process and it is going to take time for me to do that.
Wow, I just went straight into moaning, so as I should have started before I hope everyone is having a good week, and from the blogs and communication on twitter and Instagram seems like a lot of people are 🙂 if you are not, well I hope things get easier.
Today I wanted to talk about the day I beat bullying at school, but as soon as I started writing out the plan for the blog my mood dropped and flashbacks started, so that story will have to wait. Instead, today will be…………..
My tip for today…… NO SWEEPING!!
What I mean by that is, we are all guilty of sweeping things under the rug whether that is problems you’re having, issues with other people, emotions etc. Anything can be swept up under that rug. When we get into that habit though, that small pile turns into a mountain that we just can’t avoid. Instead of just dealing with one problem, you end up with dealing with about 50. I am just as guilty as doing this, sometimes I don’t want to rock the boat, and this then causes me to have meltdowns because I can’t climb that mountain. So rip off that bandage, if someone is talking to you in a way you don’t like, tell him or her. If you are struggling with something address it because in the long run no matter how painful it is when you do it you will be better off. So put down the broom from time to time it will be worth it.
Take care all,
So things have been rather busy with my job, so I haven’t posted as much or used my social media as much as I used to. I have decided to give myself a kick up the bum and going to start planning my blogs more and being more organized. I have a planner but I mainly use when I have ideas for blogs and write them down.
These last few days has definitely had its ups and downs, I feel now I have a job that I don’t dread about going to and it’s something I have wanted to do for a long time has really helped settle my moods. Unfortunately, though my anxiety has been a lot harder to control. I feel like I am like a seesaw when one goes up the other goes down. I get so frustrated with myself, I try to open up to people about it, then I feel better, then I over think about telling them and then open up again, so around and around I go.
Ahhhh I get it now my mind is like a playground, with the seesaw moods, the vicious cycle merry-go-round, and the swing of shame, coming soon the slide of emotion. I think it is time I stop going to the playground.
This leads me to my tip of the day…….. IT’S OK NOT BEING OK!
We can be our own worse critic, we condemn ourselves over the smallest things. We just want to be better, but we can’t jump from 0 to 100 in one leap. So it is ok to go through the steps even if 12 is good and 67 is bad because each step we are learning and improving. I know I beat myself up all the time for letting people see I am not ok because I don’t want them thinking less of me. Good days and bad days are going to happen, and how do you expect people to be ok with your mental illness if you are not.
Over the weekend I had an anxiety attack before I went to a party with my friends, but I didn’t just paint on a smile and pretend everything is ok when I got there. I told them what happened so I had no pressure to act differently to what I was feeling, and after a while there I felt better. I am not going to lie the day after I had massive anxiety about opening up and being honest like that but I am still glad I did it, as it is ok not being ok.
Take care all,