So another day and another eye appointment, this time to test my visual field. Well, all I am going to say on that subject is, it is not got worse but not got better. I got to take the positives from this. Yes, it wasn’t the outcome I wanted, but I can still see pretty well at the moment. It is just I struggle to make out detail and I would easily get lost in a slightly darkened room. Did I take the news well, erm hell no! I sulked for most of the day and was quite sensitive and snappy and wanted to eat my feelings. I did end up drawing and eating pancakes instead though.
So that was my day. I knew before the day started that it was going to be a day of I can’t, I can’t be bothered, I can’t do this, I can’t cry, I can’t eat my feelings until I feel even worse and I can’t adult for shit today. I think I can’t has a bit of a bad rap, as most people associate that phrase with failer.
Sometimes we just can’t though, and the more we try and force I can to happen it can just end up just blowing up in our faces. Sometimes we just can’t, but that doesn’t have to mean that’s it we give up, it can just mean, I can’t right now.
So today’s tip of the day is –
I can’t right now.
So if you got 20 things to do on your to-do list and you have enough energy for 10, so that means the remaining 10 are going to be I can’t right now. What’s wrong with that? Nothing at all. It also applies to other things too, like you are planning to go out for dinner with friends but you have had a shit day and you cancel. Have you failed in life? At friendship? No, you just can’t right now but that doesn’t mean you can’t replan and turn that I can’t into I can another day. So don’t be ashamed if you I can’t right now and adulting has gone out the window as you are wearing your 3-day old pyjamas with unbrushed hair and smell like Cheetos. I can’t right now doesn’t mean I can won’t ever happen. Sometimes we just need time off to recharge, to revaluate and sometimes to just wallow. Give yourself a break people we are not machines.
So it has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and I even though I am feeling quite vulnerable from it all, I am also feeling empowered. Maybe I can handle the shit thrown at me? Maybe I can be a functioning adult again? Maybe I will be ok. I know a maybe doesn’t seem that positive, but for me, it is, as the answer to those questions has been a no. I have been hiding behind my problems, as they have been my excuse for so long not to adapt to change and move forward. Those issues are like a comfort blanket because they are so familiar and most of them have been with me for a long time. I don’t think I need to grow up, it is not as simple as that, I think it is just time to push myself a little more and leave my comfort zone a little more.
So that is enough about me and my moaning lets move on to something we all can relate too.
When time plays tricks on you.
It can feel like time can slip away from you or move so slowly that you start to wonder has someone deliberately moved the clocks back. It is not time that changes, it is us. Time is something we can’t control but we wish we could. If I could control the time you know I would be adding some extra hours in bed every morning, It is not about being able to control time though, but instead, how we use it. I waste time procrastinating, stressing and sometimes being so damn lazy. I also use it quite well by investing in a lot of time into my mental health self-care. Like anything, it is all about that balance. Time is constant, it is always there ticking away and sometimes we need to try and ignore that ticking and concentrate on the now and not on the time that has ticked by or the time that is to come. We are not aways going to use our time wisely either and you know what that is ok too, because at the end of the day time is there for us to use in whatever way we want to.
We are at the end of one week and close to the start of another. Whether you have had the week from hell or a week that has felt like you have been floating on cloud nine, we keep moving forward. For me it’s been half and half, I have definitely had a dark cloud floating above me due to me struggling with my health issues. I just want to live my life but I have to adapt it so much due to my health. I got a big week coming up though, two appointments with specialists about my eyes and one doctor’s appointment about my mental health. So I honestly think there is going to be some tears this week and I know it’s going to be a tough week.
So today’s tip of for day is:
We got this far!
We can forget we have got through every bad day so far, we forget that most of the time strength can be silent and we forget that we don’t always have to have everything figured out.
So remember this week we might make mistakes, we might have some hurdles and we might just want to throw our hands up and say fuck this shit! We may also achieve something this week, make some steps forward and we might throw our hands up and say we handled that shit!
We all can be a bit dramatic from time to time. I can admit to having full blown bitch fits when something hasn’t gone my way or when I go to make a cup of tea and realise there is no milk left. Just because we are adults doesn’t mean we can’t lose our shit when something pisses us off. Who hasn’t full-on sulked when it feels like the world has wronged us in the most stupidest and smallest way. For example, when you go out to a restaurant and order something which you end up hating but dribble over what the person you are with has ordered and they won’t share. Yep, I have and will sulk in that situation.
Then on the flip side of that, when something goes right we can be dramatic like when I win at Monopoly, I will more than likely act like I have won a gold medal at the Olympics.
Being dramatic is a form of expression and it is not to be confused with anxiety, depression or most mental illnesses. I know the difference between my mental health issues and my dramatic flare. Some people think blogging or talking about there issues is a person being dramatic.
I think there is a big misunderstanding about why people share their stories, and why we decide to rip ourselves open to the world. There is a lot of people who don’t get it, and I get why people don’t understand. Why expose yourself to the world that can be very judgmental, are you that starved of attention? Firstly, honestly yes I was, and secondly, I don’t do it hoping for any type of sympathy. I do it for many reasons, sometimes it is to help me, sometimes it is to help others and sometimes both. I do it to have my voice heard, whether it is by one person, a hundred or just myself. I don’t expect people to understand, and if you want to read my words, look at my art and listen to my podcast great and if you don’t want to, then don’t. It is that simple.
Being dramatic is something we are all capable of, there is no age limit or restriction, you don’t need to have a mental health issue or illness, it doesn’t matter what sex you are or not and it doesn’t matter what your sexual orientation is either. Dramatic is just dramatic it can be as simple as that.
I have had to look at who I am recently and address how others see me, as I feel who I am is being jaded by struggles with anxiety and other issues. I can sometimes feel like I share too much or too little and maybe some of it is my own fault. It has been my life for a long fucking time and to step out of that and to work on myself for other reasons is weird to me. We can lose ourselves to mental illness and when we start recovering from that, the person we become can be so diffrent to the person we once were.
If you really knew me you would know, despite what you may think I want to be more then this, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being ruled by issues. I have come on leaps and bounds in my eyes and trust me when I say I know my faults. I am not making excuses but give me a break, I am human.
If you really knew me you would know, I got more then mental health issues to battle with and being diagnosed with two rare inflammation conditions may not make it easy for me to see the bright fucking side of life. It has dramatically affected my eyes and there is no cure. one day it may spread to other parts of my body. so yeah some days I might have a face like a smacked ass.
If you really knew me you would know, I have resting bitch face. I can’t help it my face just looks like it is unimpressed!
If you really knew me you would know, there is more to me then meets the eye. I am just a girl standing in front of the world saying this is me. I fuck up, I laugh, I love to draw, I put on little musicals in my kitchen, I hate bras, I get lonely, I detest baked beans, I am not a morning person and I love a good book and a cuppa tea.
I leave you with one of my favourite quotes from my favourite film, Breakfast Club.
“You see us as you want to see us—in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…and an athlete…and a basket case…a princess…and a criminal. Does that answer your question?”
So it’s been a week of tears, tears and a few more tears! It has been a great example of you can be having a good week but still with a lot of shit going on. If this was a few months ago I would have reacted very differently, as I would have just given up and fucked up the good things going on as well. Instead, I cried when I needed to, dusted myself off and carried on because of the bad shit of is not worth more than the good.
That’s the thing when bad shit happens during a good week, it is so easy to just focus on that and let the good shit crumble away. The thing is to remember is that any good week will give some bad points too. It is so easy to get sucked into that dark place but not so easy to stay on track.
We need to remember it is ok to rest but not to quit, it’s ok to cry when you need to cry. It’s ok to just not give a fuck when you need to, like when you need to take care of yourself and focus on you instead of the world around you.
It has been one of those weeks where I wanted to exchange my adulting permit for a learning permit in adulting instead. My new job is going well, it is just all the other things that come with adulthood, being social, being present in the world and being able to not want to lose your shit at the smallest thing. i don’t want to change who I am to fit someone’s opinion on who I should be. I don’t want to be a morning person I have tried to and I am just naturally a grumpy cow in the morning. I don’t want to decide to have babies yet because I am thirty and everyone has started already, I don’t want to look on the bright side when I feel like shit, instead, I want to listen to my music really loud and shed a tear or two. I don’t want the person I am becoming to be decided by others.
I think as adults we can get pressured to be and act in a certain way because we are of age and it is time to be put you in a box. I have problems with fertility and when people ask me when is it baby time it, it can really get to me, I am like, “I don’t know Linda when my insides decide to play ball!”. When people tell me the past is in the past let it go and aren’t you too old to still be dealing with past trauma, ” I am sorry Linda I didn’t know trauma comes with an age limit?”
We all have our own path to create, to make mistakes, to hit rock bottom, to rise to the top and to achieve. We can’t always get it right because how else would we learn what we like and don’t like, what we want and don’t want, what we are and what we are not.
I wanted to give you my honest outlook on anxiety after having a bad day with it. I am going to add a trigger warning to it as it is something that many of us struggle with.
Today I had a breakdown, I feel like anxiety is ruining my life no matter how hard I try to get better or improve, it is just constantly there in the background causing havoc. I just want it to go and leave me the fuck alone, I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I feel like I am constantly having to explain myself all the time because of anxiety, my mind is constantly running and I just can’t to slow it down. Anxiety can strip who you are as a person, it what feels like a blink of an eye and you end up hating who you have become. It makes me question whether I am not meant to get close to people or if anxiety isn’t the real problem, but I am.
To live your life with the bitch of anxiety is not a fashion statement or an excuse for bad behaviour. It is something that you are desperately trying to control, but it is a slippery fucker that you struggle to grasp on to. To live with anxiety means sleepless nights and tired days and feeling like you are on the edge all the time. It can mean people can get the worse impression of you but it is nothing compared to what you think of yourself.
To live with anxiety is to live with either have an overactive mind or an eery quiet mind and not knowing what you prefer more, to feel everything or nothing. To live with anxiety means crying your eyes out over something that most people could laugh off or having your heart race so face you think it is going to jump out of your chest.
To live with anxiety isn’t easy and I wish more than anything it was something I could just remove from my life. Living with anxiety sometimes means shutting down from the world around you until you feel strong enough to face it again.I have good days and bad days and I am working on having more good than bad. Today was a bad day and there is nothing I can do about that now, I have to move forward.
This was my first full week of work in a long time, I never thought I would see this day again. If this week has shown me anything, it would be the small things really do make a big difference. I felt like a human again this week. It sounds silly to get teary about going to work for a whole week, but to me, it is such an achievement. Sarcoidosis, which is one of the conditions i have, took my life away from me for over a year I have felt trapped in my mind and body this year and I am now only just starting to break out of it.
Trapped inside a cage.
This drawing was inspired by something my therapist said in one of our sessions. My therapist noticed I speak about my mind and body like they are not a part of me, but instead, I see them as a cage I can’t get out of. My mind can be too much for me at times, it can feel like it is a thunderstorm of negativety that I can’t find cover from, a whirlwind of anxiety I can’t run from and a mindfield of issues that trip me up. My mind is a place that has dragged me into some of my darkest moments. My body is something that I looked at in disgust, I have felt constantly let down by it, both because of illness and appearance, has made me see my body as something I can’t accept. I have tried to fix it but I have felt unfixable for a long time.
I have felt trapped inside a cage of my own doing for a long time. My mind and body have always been the enemy to me, instead of a part of me, if that makes sense. I have made small steps this year to embrace my mind and body. I have made improvements in being kinder to myself and I hope there is more to come. Those small steps will one day break me out of the cage of my own doing and let me be free one day, not just free but whole again, and see beauty in the scars that are inside and out.
For the first time in a long time, I am starting to feel like a functioning adult. It feels weird as fuck±! I remember telling my therapist a few weeks ago that I wanted to just feel normal, which she then replied, what is normal? A lot has happened to turn my life upside down and inside out, which has made me feel out of sync with the world around me. I didn’t have any purpose to get out of bed, to have any motivation to do anything because it felt like everything was shit, so what was the point. So by me having a new job that I can safely do, helps give me a reason to get up in the morning. So that is what I meant by normal, I feel like I need to find my place in the world again.
Don\t get me wrong, I am sure the shine will start to fade soon and I will be like every other adult again, cursing early mornings and hating morning people who talk to you before your caffeine hits your system. At least I am brushing my hair now regularly and not living in the same set of pyjamas for days on end. Hmmm, actually may be returning to the world of adulthood was a mistake.
Tip of the day –
Following the bread crumbs.
We all can get a little lost in the world at times, we can all feel like we just cant human right. I am still lost but I am following the bread crumbs that I left myself to find my way again. We don’t need to try and be like anyone else to find ourselves or even look for who we used to be. We need to look for who we are now and build on that for who we are going to be. If we follow someone else’s breadcrumbs we could end up finding who they want us to be instead of who we want us to be.
If we wait for perfection to lead the way to who we want to be, then we may end up lost for a long time.
What are the bread crumbs?
Well, that depends on the person, but to me, breadcrumbs can be the good days where I can laugh and not have anxiety dictate my day. The days where I can see the tiny victories, even if it is has been a bad day. Breadcrumbs are the little things that remind us who we are and show us the good qualities we have.
We don’t have to be doing everything right all the time just because we are adults now, and chasing that perfection may have been the thing that got us lost in the first place. Instead, chase the imperfect days where there are moments of good shit, bad shit and fuck this shit!