Issues don’t take a holiday!

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. I am currently sunning myself and the last few days has gave me chance to not just physically relax but mentally. The thing is I’m an over-thinker and there is no such thing as a off button for that. So even though I’m on holiday my issues packed their bag and came along with me. What I would do to just let my fucking hair down and not have a care in the world, what I would do to just be comfortable in my own fucking skin! So it has been a great holiday so far but it has also been challenging.

Issues fucking issues.

I have anxiety issues, depression issues, body issues, food issues, rejection issues and abandonment issues. Basically a lot of fucking issues! I know everybody has issues but I want to be done I just want to be me not me and issues. It’s like I am in a toxic relationship with myself and I can’t seem to break the patterns. I want to be more than my issues I want to just do more with my life then just fucking survive. So far this holiday there has been some big steps like wearing swimsuits in public and eating in public but my issues are slowly taking over this holiday. I need to start moving forward and I decided that I want to do more then just focus on mental health. I want to explore more sides of me and take the focus off my issues and put the light on more positive things. I don’t know what yet but I’m working on it and like always I’m just a work in progress so bare with me!

I’m not saying I’m not going to write about mental heath again because I enjoy doing it and it is a big part of my life. I’m saying that there is more too me than my issues and I want to explore that avenue and I hope you still want to join me on that journey.

Take care everyone,

Vixxy Rose

Xxx

Remember to breathe.

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. So today has been a little bit stressful and kind of sucked. I had bought some swimsuits and tried them on today which resulted in a breakdown made up of tears, tantrum, a lot of swear words and me threatening to not go on the holiday. This may seem like an overreaction to some people, but this is the anxiety train leaving the station and tooting the horn for all to hear. I was just bombarded with such negativity, and before I knew it I had bought my ticket and was sat on the anxiety train and on my way to panic attack town. Well, in the end, I did calm down and managed to turn the train around. I still have some anxiety and also I’m nervous as hell but I deserve this holiday, no, I need this holiday. As I am fucking tired physically and mentally and I need some type of escape from my world just for a little while.

So today’s tip of the day is –

Remember to breathe.

When I get really bad anxiety I do mainly two things and one of them is I hold my breath, this is just a physical reaction to what is going on around me. When there is so much going on in your head and around you it can feel like it is physically squeezing you. You can be under so much pressure and sooner or later that pressure can break you. So what I mean by remembering to breathe is I don’t just mean the actual meaning of breathing but finding a way of releasing that pressure. So whether that is talking to someone, taking a few days off work, doing some self-care or even having a social media break.
We are only human mental illness or not there is only so much we can take before it slowly starts breaking us. So remember to breathe and don’t feel like you have to take on everything because you are an adult and that is what adults do. Fuck that shit! You are an adult you decide when enough is enough not society.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Good shit, bad shit and I got this shit!

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. We are coming to the end of another week and I am in my head again. I am feeling like I am the monster and that is why I don’t have many people close around me. I am trying to fix some of my damage, but I am starting to feel like it is not fixable and I’m going to always repel people. This may be anxiety and depression speaking but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel real to me, just because we can put a label on it doesn’t make it simple to deal with. Lonely is a fucking awful feeling and it is something that I just can’t seem to shake. I am hoping my holiday that is coming up in the next few days will be just what the doctor ordered and help me take a break from the world. Even though I know my depression and anxiety probably won’t be taking a holiday at the same time, I ain’t that lucky, I just hope that I will be able to get some peace of mind for a few days.
Not the best way to end the week so let’s have a look at my good shit and bad shit for this week.

Good shit

  • I went to therapy for the first time in a couple of years and even though it was emotionally draining, I did find it hopeful and eye-opening. I have a mountain to climb but I am starting to gather the right tools to climb it.
  • I cried in public. This may not sound like a good shit kind of thing but it is. I didn’t freak out and I didn’t run off as fast as my feet could carry me, no, instead I let my emotions out and carried on eating my muffin.
  • I am being more open with my partner and even though he may not understand what I go through he tries his best to listen.
  • I went to the gym. It has been a high anxiety week so this is a fucking achievement

 

Bad shit

  • I can’t help myself with controlling my food as I am so scared I’m going to slip back into old bad food patterns but I fear I am creating new ones.
  • I don’t have a positive view on myself physically or  even mentally. I am so sick and tired of this shit. I just want to be strong and to be happy.

So even though this week is ending on a low mood, it has been a good week, I have to try to remember that. The thing is I got this shit, this struggle isn’t new to me and no matter what, I got this. I can get through this crazy thing we call life.
Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

The magical question!

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. I have recovered from therapy and I am feeling ok, still having moments of flashbacks about the things we discussed and how being vulnerable has left me feeling icky all over. I kind of cocooned myself these last two days, as I just didn’t want to try and interact with the outside world while feeling this vulnerable. Today I left my cocoon and went to the gym and even though I didn’t last long there because I was quite anxious, I did it and that’s the main thing to focus on. I only seem to find it comfortable being vulnerable on here and it is so hard to do the same thing in the real world.
So today I am going to write about the big question we all ask ourselves. This question can bring us to tears, it can even put a smile on our faces. It can give you the best of days and the worst of days and also keep you up at night. This magical question can do all that and what is even more fucking magical about this question is sometimes it is just only one word! Yep, you read it right one word has the power of a thousand words. Can you guess what it is yet?
It is not who, what, when or where. So that leaves…

Why?

Why do I feel like this? Why me? Why did that happen? Why am I like this? Why can provoke so much thought and so many feelings because it is the ultimate question, but there is no ultimate answer. Why and the bitch of anxiety and the dark cloud of depression are like the three musketeers. When we get on that why train they jump on board to spice things up.
We may never know why to some of the questions that we ask ourselves, they might not be some great spiritual reason to why things happen, it could just be shit happens.
So why do we spend so much time on why? See it just snuck itself in because it can’t help itself. We are taught from a young age to ask why and most of the time we are given an answer but as we get older we ask why and we rarely get an answer which then creates more whys.
We may never know why and that scares the shit out of most of us, so now I try to just see it as shit happens good shit and bad shit and keep the why for why the fuck not!

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Therapy- Will I ever be ok?

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too, as you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Today I want to forgo my usual ramblings and get to the blog post, as today was a big day for me, today was therapy day. It has been a while since I was last in therapy, of course I was anxious, and there were points when I was getting ready to go that I was tempted to cancel. I knew I was ready for this because I was the one that started this ball rolling but was I up for the task of facing my pain. Therapy is not easy, you don’t just sit there being asked: “and how do you feel about that?”. Therapy is different person to person.
Honestly, today was a blur of emotions and reopening some old wounds and that was only day one. Even though I knew it was going to be like that, nothing can prepare you for that. I put it all out there like an emotional tap and basically was like I need help I don’t know how to deal with this. The session overall went well and I did come away from it a little lighter and a little more hopeful. I went and treated myself to a coffee and a cake after and it wasn’t until I was sitting down to eat my cake that the tears came pouring out. I literally ate my feelings today. I kept thinking will I ever be ok? It was a good job I was wearing sunglasses because I was a mess. So I got out my notbook and pen and wrote this.

What I promise to myself.
I promise that I will get out this vortex of pain.
I promise I will feel good enough.
I promise I will stop comparing myself to others.
I promise I will go back on medication.
I promise I will be happy.
I promise I will not turn into them.
I promise that I will be ok.
I promise I will keep moving forward.

I don’t want to be crying into my cake anymore, I just want freedom. I want free from the pain, as it has been my life for so many years and I don’t want it to be my future. So to answer the question I asked myself earlier, will I ever be ok? Well, I am working on it.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Good shit, bad shit and a bit of losing my shit!

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too, as you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. It is the start of a new week and I am starting therapy again this week and I looking forward to it but also shitting myself! I know this is needed as my issues are just bubbling away on the surface and it is getting harder to keep on top of them. I am worried about facing some of these issues because I know it’s going to make me feel worse before it makes me feel better. All I know is I am determined to do this shit before I lose my shit! As I have just been a mess of a human being and I don’t want this anymore I want to try and get some of my shit together.

So this is last weeks good shit and bad shit list.

Good shit

  • My food issues have been out of control and so this week I put in a lot of research into food that is good for inflammation and PCOS. I want to enjoy food again and not hate it. I have made into some good strides into getting on top of some of my food ussues.
  • I am opening up more with a few people about things I am going through. It is not easy being vulnerable but it is necessary to heal sometimes.
  • I have been a bit of a moody bitch this week and honestly, I haven’t been the easiest to be around but I haven’t made excuses for my behaviour I have owned up to it.

Bad shit

  • I have struggled to draw this week as my eye sight has been terrible and it’s getting me down so much. My eyes are permanently swollen and it is making me so miserable and I am not handling it so well.
  • My anxiety is crazy and it is mainly down to me overthinking every fucking thing. I am going on holiday at the end of this week and I am freaking out!

It was a good shit kind of week even though I may of lose my shit a few times. Onwards and upwards!

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

Xxx

If only people listened.

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too, as you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. When I wanted to let go of this drama that surrounded my life, all it seemed to do was create more. So when people go all Elsa from Frozen on you and tell you to just let it go? Remember to ask for an instruction manual on that shit because it really ain’t that easy. They say that certain people can be drama magnets, it feels more like velcro then magnetism to me. Why?
Well, when I try to push away the drama more seems to get attached to me, which then gets tangled with the drama I was trying to push away. When we manage to remove the drama, it can be a slow and painful process. Well maybe that is one of the meanings of life we are supposed to learn, the things that are the hardest and most painful things to let go are the things that may mark us in in the process but shape us into something stronger in the end.
Who the fuck knows? Just putting it out there.

If only people listened.

I have a thing about not being listened too, I feel I spent a lot of my life not being listened too, so when I feel that no one is listening to me, it triggers me, big fucking time. Listening isn’t as easy as it seems though. Listening doesn’t mean the person wants your advice, or for you to tell them things will get better and not judge what they are saying. Listening can be just about acknowledging that person and making them feel heard.
That’s all I ever wanted was just to be heard. We have the world at our fingertips and we also have a world full of lonely people because we are expected to deal with our own shit because we have the internet now. Most people will google their symptoms before going to see a doctor, some people seek friendship online because they can’t seem to make connections with people in the real world, and also some people write a blog because they just want to be heard (me).
We shouldn’t be like this. We need to find the time to listen to one another, as listening has the power to give someone a voice.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Broken doesn’t mean completely fucked.

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too, as you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I got a letter today telling me the wait for therapy is still ongoing even though it has been 5 months already. Then a few hours later I get a phone call to disregard that letter as I am now at the top of the waiting list and I have an appointment next Wednesday. I wanted to cry but I was in public, finally fucking finally I have an appointment. I feel like I have held on for so long now while waiting for this and now I am getting help again I can really start moving past some of this issues that have plagued me most my fucking life. It couldn’t have come on a better day, as today my self-loathing reached an all-time high and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to be free. I have made some good strides forward on my own, but I feel like I have hit a wall and this is as far as I can go on my own, I know I need help.

So today’s tip of the day is –

Broken doesn’t mean completely fucked.

I am scarred internally and externally from the things that have happened to me in the past. I have lost and gained due to my battle with mental illness so that doesn’t mean I am completely fucked. I may be broken but that doesn’t mean I need to be fixed.
I am not trying to be fixed, no, I just trying to learn to live and accept that these broken peices that make me up doesn’t make me any less of a human. Instead, I am a human who has had some battles and still stands here today.
We all have a past we all feel broken in some way, but that doesn’t mean you should be cast aside because you have some broken pieces. Those broken pieces have made something whole, you. You are a mosaic, where each piece tells a story, some good and some bad.
Broken doesn’t mean you are completely fucked, it means you are unique, strong, and a fucking beautiful piece of art.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Taking the power back!

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too, as you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I feel so emotional at the moment and I am trying to push the walls back that are closing in on me by working through my emotions as best as I can. It is like everywhere I turn there is a reminder of what is fucking with my head which then makes me feel so weak. “You will never be good enough” is on a loop inside my mind and I just wish that I could ignore it but it is not so easy. The thing is I don’t want to sound like a broken record anymore, I want to see myself rise above this. The problem with that is depression is like quicksand, you don’t always see it coming no matter how cautious you are and once you step foot in it you are stuck, it not so easy to pull yourself out of it and sometimes you need a helping hand to get out.
I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to feel so fucking broken anymore. I want my power back.

Taking the power back!

It is not so easy to deal with depression or anxiety or mental illness in general, it can feel like your triggers hold your power. Which can make you feel so scared of this fucking world. Never knowing whether something will trigger you or not and end up overthinking the situation and triggering yourself.
These days triggers are everywhere because of social media creating new types of anxiety that didn’t exist twenty plus years ago, that’s fucked up when you think about it. Our parents and grandparents didn’t worry about the perfect selfie or upsetting family members or friends on Facebook because you didn’t tag them in a post. We are living in a world that feeds off anxiety and I’ve got enough issues I don’t need to add anymore.
We need to take the power back. You are fucking enough, it doesn’t matter how many likes your posts have. You are worthy of love, it doesn’t matter how many followers you have. You deserve to live not just exist in this world. Take the power back.
I am going to end this post with a great song that is in my playlist for when things get a little too much.

 

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Good shit and bad shit and a little bit of tired of the shit!

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too, as you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. A new week is literally a whisper away and I am tired not only for this week ahead but probably for the next few weeks. I feel no amount of sleep or accidental naps is solving the tiredness because it is not just because I am physically tired but because I am mentally tired. I just went through a manic cycle and now my mind is like fuck this shit I’m done! If my mind could pack a suitcase and go on holiday for a few weeks it would be out the door so fast I wouldn’t see it coming. This is why it is important to remember self-care is not just for the bad days, but also for the days in between. I see it like this, if you run a marathon you would relax physically after not go for a jog to recover. So, if you have had a bad time mentally and you are coming out of the other end of it the self-care shouldn’t stop.

So this is this week’s good shit and bad shit list.

  • Good shit
    • I have managed to keep myself focused on getting better physically and mentally.
      I have been able to express some intense feelings I have been having in a calm rational manner, instead of losing my shit.
      I have continued on writing some tiny victories I have had throughout the week.
      I have gone to the gym even though it was hard for me mentally and physically but it felt good to push through that anxiety.

    Bad shit

    • Even though I have been able to do it on myself this week, it hasn’t stopped me feeling like a complete failure in life at the moment.
    • My self-image is just awful I really wish I could see myself differently.

    So even though I have had some pretty intense emotional feelings this week and my mind has been so manic, I have been able to handle that shot rather well and kept my hand away from the self destruct button.

    Take care everyone,

    Vixxy Rose

    Xxx