I hope everyone is having a great holidays and keeping themselves safe mentally and physically. I have decided to take a break from my blog until the new year.
It is a heavy heart that I am saying this but I think for my own mental way being I need this. I think I have struggled with blogging this past month or so and I think it is now time to press pause.
I want to thank everyone for the amazing support and I wouldn’t be here without you guys. I hope to come back stronger and have more interesting things to say in 2020. I See you in the new year people!
Christmas is now around the corner, what the fuck! How is this year egding closer to the end? I think there is a lot of us going “well this year didn’t go to plan” or ” what a shit year so bring on a new one”. It is very easy to see the bad in this year, trust me that is all I can see, but we have to remember that there are good points hidden amongst those shit ones. You are here, we are here and we have got through those shit moments to reach the end of another year. What is done is done, and whether you had shed more tears then laughed this year, it is time to prepare to move forward.
It is not just Santa that is on its way. We are about to reach that peak of emotions during this festive period where we are going to filled with love and happiness but also grieve and loneliness . It is going to be a shit storm of emotions people and remember that we are all going through it, you are not alone.
So the presents are wrapped, the plans are made, the Christmas jumpers are at the ready and the anxiety is seeping in. So what now? Now it is time to remember that you got this shit, whether you are worried about family arguments, people not liking their gifts, struggled to afford gifts this year or haven’t got family to celebrate it with; you got this shit. The strength is there and has been there all throughout this year, you will get through it because you are a fucking warrior.
The title really does speak for itself, today’s blog post has been inspired by something that I did. I have spent what feels like a lifetime hating my body, hating food and hating the lack of control I have with my body. I am not as comfortable talking about my food issues and body issues compared to how comfortable I have got talking about my other mental health issues, like my anixety. It has been something that has kind of been a secret but not in a way, like I can’t hide my body issues as easily as I can my food issues.
I go up and down with my food and body isses, I have good months and bad. It is something I do want to get help with but it also something I am petrified about being attention too. This month I have hit another breaking point, and it was definitely been a build-up of things. I have become more controlling with my food which has resulted in me eating the same things every day as in my mind they are safe foods, weighing myself 3 times a day and freaking out internally over a buffet at work because it was right next to my desk. I know I need to face this more head on because I keep getting into this pattern so easily. I just want to be able to enjoy food and love my body. I can’t quite believe I am writing this and sharing this because I do try and hide this part of me.
I bought some new underwear recently to try to see if it would help with my body issues and it kind of did. My boyfriend was out tonight so I sat in my new underwear with a “non safe” food a small bowl of fries. I kept telling myself over and over this is my body and it is ok to eat things without feeling guilty, I am not going to say I am now cured of my issues by sitting in my underwear eating fries but, it definitely put a smile on my face and helped me realise, I got this shit.
I have been dealing with that dreaded writer’s block, and it has got to a point that I have thought about stopping blogging. I know a tad dramatic, but I think I am getting close to pressing a big restart button on this blog next year. We just have to wait and see!
Don’t get your tinsel in a twist!
I think I need to take my own advice! I think the stress levels are high for a lot of people right now, the clock is ticking down fast till Christmas day and most of us are like “have I done enough?” Festive anxiety mixed with normal anxiety equals an anxiety bomb. Most of us are so worried about making things right for others that we forget about ourselves. I am so guilty of trying to please everyone and putting my own happiness last and it is hard to get out of that mentality this time of year. I think there are two things we need to remember; number one is you can’t buy love and number two is things won’t be perfect. We take on so much anxiety this time of year in the hope it will be worth it, but is it really with your mental health? We are getting our tinsel in a twist for one fucking day! Even if you are religious or not, this is not what Christmas should be about. So take a step back if it is getting too much, don’t put yourself in a bad place mentally and finacially for a day that comes and goes every year. Instead, focus on creating happy memories and keeping yourself mentally and finically in a good place.
I want to keep this post simple and straight to the point, so I am not going to bore you with what I have been up to these past few days and how a walk in the rain traumatised the hell out of me, I save that story for another day. Instead, I want to talk about how we got this shit. Things in life can get complicated with social issues, family issues, relationship issues and so basically just a ton of fucking issues. Those things that are floating around us from the past and present can feel so heavy and make you feel so weighed down. It may feel like you have more than your fair share of problems and that everyone else is living their best life while you are stuck dragging your suitcase of issues trying to get through each day. I have wished at times that I could just leave those issues somewhere where they can’t find me, but it doesn’t work that way though. I think many of us have truly had times where we have felt like giving up and feeling hopeless because it’s just so fucking heavy.
But we got this shit, we got this far with that heavy weight and so can you imagine how far we can get when we learn to handle those issues better so they are not so heavy. I say this to myself a lot now, during the good times and bad times, I got this shit. Life will throw curveballs and will cause issues but I got this shit you got this shit we got this shit!
What can I say, apart from right now I feel so sad, something I was really hoping was going to happen this weekend, didn’t. I now have the choice of do I carry on living with this sadness in the hope that one day things may change or do I just let it go because that pain go is so heavy to keep carrying? If this gets back to you somehow, just know I will never stop hoping you will be in my life again.
A Christmas cry.
Many of us grieve this time of year for people we have lost both passed and living. Many of us are hurting while trying to keep a smile on our faces. So about 7 years ago I decided to do a Christmas cry near the beginning of December. I watch something that brings all those feelings to the service, I let myself grieve for those I love that are no longer around, I grieve for the pain I feel this time of year and I grieve for that inner child who just wants to be loved. Now I have had so many funny looks off people when I tell them I do this but it is therapeutic and way better for the soul than trying to stuff those feelings down. So my advice is if you are missing someone this holiday season, don’t push those feelings away. Maybe do something that reminds you of them and have that Christmas cry. Those feelings are a part of you and those people you miss are a part of you. Now that I have acknowledged that sadness, it doesn’t feel so big as it did when I was trying to stuff it down. Christmas is about memories creating new ones and remembering old ones. Some of those memories can bring a tear to your eye, you don’t need to wipe that tear away because it is Christmas.We all need a Christmas cry.
One of my favourite songs is “Don’t let me be misunderstood” by Nina Simone, that songs speaks to every fibre of my soul. It speaks of the internal battle we can feel going inside us all. The blurred lines of feeling good but bad at the same time and the worry of our internal struggle is having an impact on our surroundings.
Most of us have felt misunderstood, not heard or not recognised. Most of us have tried to change who we are to fit in with our surroundings because we didn’t want that feeling anymore. It doesn’t take it away though it is just a bandaid for a deep wound and sooner or later that bandaid will no longer be able to hold that fakeness and who we are together.
Changing who you are to fit someone else’s narrative doesn’t make it your narrative, that is not your story.
A star is born when atoms of light elements are squeezed under enough pressure for their nuclei to undergo fusion. All stars are the result of a balance of forces: the force of gravity compresses atoms in interstellar gas until the fusion reactions begin.
Your story is what makes you who you are, the pressure, the changes and sometimes the total destruction of who we are to become who we need to be. Remember stars didn’t just appear in the night sky they are formed over a period of time and that goes for us too.
We go through changes, ups and downs in life to form who we are. So next time you are worried that you don’t fit someone else’s narritive, remember you have come so far to not let your story be your own story and to be that star.
There is a Christmas story that many of us know but don’t share. It is a story about feeling lonely because we don’t have that many people in our lives, it is a story about feeling anxious because what if you don’t buy the right gifts and it is a story about feeling utterly hopeless when everyone is happy and laughing. This story is the dark side of Christmas. So why am I starting off this blog post on such a “happy” note? Well, we can just talk about the tinsel, the christmas cookies, the lights and the presents. All that sparkly stuff is not the only thing the Christmas holiday brings. There is a dark side of Christmas that many of us try our best to ignore because it doesn’t fit in with the sparkly holiday season.
Mental health issues and mental illness does not take a vacation because it is the holidays. If only it was as easy of wrapping them up in Santa covered paper and shipping them off to the north pole! Many of us will be dealing with the dark side of Christmas as well as the sparkly side and trying to figure out a balance between the two.
It is easy to not get swept up in the holiday spirit and to feel like a grinch because of that, to feel like there is something wrong with you because your social media isn’t filled with picture-perfect family moments and to feel lost at Christmas. This holiday season is about giving and that includes yourself, self-care is a gift that can go a long way. So remember if you are dealing with the dark side of Christmas, take a break from social media, focus on your mental health and give yourself time. You don’t need to be Santa you don’t need to be the grinch, just be you.
For the last couple of years, I have done blogmas, where I have posted Christmas themed posts every day. This year after much debate, I have decided that I am not going to do it. There is a lot of of work that goes into each post, and I just don’t have time this year. I will still be doing some Christmas themed posts and will be posting more than I usually do (hopefully), but I am going to take the pressure off and enjoy each post instead of just trying to get one out every day.
So today is the 1st of December and my first Christmas themed post is –
Christmas comes in all shapes and sizes.
Some of us have real trees, some of us have fake ones, some of us go all out and can’t wait to get in the festive spiriT, some of us want to avoid anything festive,some of us celebrate it for religious reasons, some of us don’t and some of us don’t celebrate Christmas at all! Christmas comes in all shapes and sizes, and most of us have our own traditions that we follow, so why can we accept that so easily but not accept that we come in all shapes and sizes?
There is a lot of people out there who will be worried about what they are eating and how they look physically over this festive season, including me. “I just want to lose a few more pounds before Christmas”, “I can’t wear for that jumper with my belly because it will make me look like Santa?” and ” Christmas is so difficult for me, so I am going to eat my feelings away.” I am guilty of saying those things because weight and Christmas are starting to become so intertwined. Instead of focusing on creating healthy habbits, Christmas can cause a lot of bad habits around food and weight. Triggers for people with food issues and eating disorders can increase around this time of year dramatically. The more focused we become on what we weigh this holiday season more weight will appear not physically but mentally and that weight is even harder to lose. So remember this Christmas season that food is there to enjoy and enhance the holidays, not to make you miserable and cause you mental distress. We all come in all shapes and sizes, we all celebrate the holiday season differently, and we are not defined by a number on a scale.
Lately, I have been thinking about that funny old thing we call life and all the fun stuff that comes with it. You know what I mean, the heartache, the love, the pain, the laughter, the memories and all the bits in between.
I have been thinking about how introverted I have become and the effect that has had on my life and this is what I wrote:
I drown myself in words and pencils, drawing and writing about my emotions in the hope I don’t have to feel them anymore. I say fuck you to the world around for not accepting me at the same time knowing I have struggled to accept myself also. I am so embedded in my shell, where it is comfortable but lonely as there is only room for one. Over time the layers have slowly become undone. The layers of shame, anger, sadness and pain are being stripped away slowly. Hiding underneath those layers has been layers of kindness, sensitivity and happiness. Right now I feel exposed to the flame of life, scared to touch it in case it burns my fingertips but fearful about leaving its warm embrace and going back into the cold. So what do I do now?
Some of us are naturally introverted, and I think some of us become introverted as life goes on. For me, it has definitely brought some positives but mainly negative things to my life. I am starting to take steps forward into trying to be less introverted because I think that it is what is going to be best for me in the long run. I think my anxiety may improve, my depression and my general mental health will improve, with being a bit less introverted.