I don’t believe in a God, I do sometimes wonder if some person is looking down on us with a big bowl of popcorn in their lap and watching us like a sitcom. Laughing when we laugh, cries when we cry and cringes when we do something stupid like electing morans to run our countries. I wonder if this person laughed when I left my house with my dress tucked into my knickers or found me irritating when I was crying over the fact I left my house with my dress tucked into my knickers. I wonder if we definitely knew someone was watching us all the time would we act any different? ( Like double-check we aren’t flashing our pants to everyone.)
I often think I have become jaded in the way I think due to the shit that I have dealt with, maybe if some was watching my life like sitcom they could have tried to drop me some hints through fan mail. Told me shit like you’re being a bitch, they are not worth your time, let that shit go or your dress is tucked into your knickers. (can you tell that pissed me off yet!) Instead, we have to listen to ourselves and trust our own advice because, funnily enough, we do know what is best for us, we just sometimes don’t want to hear it. It can be so hard to listen to your own needs, which is crazy. We worry too much about how others will be affected instead of how it affects us. I have learnt recently, that the hardest decision we can make sometimes is to say no more. No more to the things that make us feel like shit, no more to treating ourselves like shit, no more not accepting things change. There is no laugh track with life, no audience, no script. There is just us, and we write our own story.
Hey everyone. Let’s talk about fuck-ups, you do it, I do it even your nan does it, we all fuck up. You don’t always know the right answer and sometimes have to go through a few wrong answers before you find the right one. Sometimes you go through a lot of wrong answers stomp your feet and go through some more wrong answers again before you find the right one. I think if life went our way all the time, it would be boring. We all have probably fucked up badly a few times in our life’s but some of those fuck-ups were fun if we were honest. A lot of us probably had a piercing or tattoo we regret, a drunken story or even scar that was the result of a fuck up. We can’t beat ourselves up for everything we do wrong because sometimes we don’t realise that the thing we are doing is wrong for us in the first place until it is done with. We can’t hide or ignore the fuck-ups either. So, what can we do?
Be accountable? Blame someone else? Pretend we are perfect and if anyone who argues any differently, shun them forever? As a kid it was so much simpler if you fucked up you got grounded or was told by your parents that they weren’t angry but disappointed. Basically, you knew that there was a positive or negative reaction to your actions. As an adult, though we have so much shit going on that we can make multiple fuck-ups and forget we are human and shit happens and that’s how a fuck up becomes a massive black hole that sucks our life into it. A fuck-up can lead to a fuck yeah don’t forget that.
So I went to therapy yesterday and once again it was a very difficult hour. I know I said last week that I was trying not to cry in therapy, well that didn’t go to plan this week. If I had to sum up this week’s therapy session in three words it would be, I hate myself. We went through what had happened in the week and how I delt with it. After I was telling my therapist about how I struggle with self-belief and my self-confidence, my therapist hit me with some harsh truth that I needed to hear. I felt like I had said too much, me and my big mouth. I had spoken so much I had got to the core. I felt exposed and I didn’t like it.
“You hate yourself,” she said. It felt like time had stopped, that one sentence. I couldn’t stop the tears from forming quick enough, I just felt this deep pain inside me go, she’s right. Well, colour me fucking dumbfounded, because I knew I’ve got issues, but how did I let it get this fucking bad. I don’t want to hate myself but I just got myself all tangled up in issues, damage, anxiety, depression and all the other shit that has affected me over the years. I molded myself to reflect that pain instead of reflecting the warrior who got through that pain.
So what do I do now?
I carry on. I carry on focusing on improving my mental health, I work on myself, for myself. Fuck what others may think. I have to do this for me and me alone. As I want to be able to look in the mirror one day and go I don’t hate you anymore, I love you.
What is it? Where do you find it? Does it find you? If you have it, can you share some with me? Can you buy it from Amazon?
What is it?
Well, to answer the first question, it is that umph that gusto kind of feeling where you feel you can do more than just change your pyjamas that you have been wearing for more than a week. To put it as simply as I can mojo is like motivation. You can thank Austin powers for that term! Also, mojo can mean different things to different people, it can be used to describe a lack of motivation, a lack of sex drive, just not quite feeling yourself and even all of the above.
Where do you find it and does it find you?
Sadly there is no such thing as a mojo supplement you can take if there were I would be taking them daily. Some people say the mojo is not lost it is still within you, well tell that to my week-old pyjamas and my growing to-do list. Mojo can be lost but it can also be found. Sometimes we just need to rest as we burned out all our mojo and other times you build that shit up by tackling things one at a time and as soon as you see progress, your mojo meter goes up. It all depends on the situation you might just need to treat yourself to a haircut or a new book to get your mojo back or maybe talk to a friend get some shit off your chest.
If you have some can you share some with me?
This is not a silly question. When we encourage or support others, we are sharing our mojo. So next time you see a friend or someone in need, give them a helping hand, it can be as simple as asking how they are or giving them some company.
Lastly, can you buy it from Amazon?
Technically no, but also if that book or new cup ( I am obsessed with cups) is on there and you mojo meter is running a little low then I suppose you can buy it from Amazon, as Amazon sells fucking everything.
I am a believer in timing and how certain things happen for a reason, and if I wasn’t thankful about being back in therapy before, then I am certainly thankful after this weekend. I wouldn’t have gotten through this weekend without being back at therapy. For one, I am starting to learn and understand so much about my mind after only 2 weeks and secondly, I am going to have plenty to fill my therapist in on about this weekend. I was triggered this weekend and usely I would have just retreated and beat myself internally about it, but instead, I remembered what my therapist told me this week. this helped me process things easily and in turn helped me go out.
The bitch of anxiety was causing havoc inside my mind and also she was joined by mother nature, which meant all the signs were telling me to stay safe in my bubble. What pushed me out the door is, defiance, I am not apologising anymore for being who I am. I have beaten myself up enough and I’m tired of others piling in on that fight.
So my tip of the day is –
We are who we are.
I have fought tooth and fucking nail to get to this point in my life, to finally start accepting who I am. We are all on a journey and many of us with mental illness or mental health issues probably get told more than most how they should live their lives.
You should exercise more that will help with depression.
It is all in your head.
Get a hobby.
Get over it.
Let it go.
You are too sensitive.
You are dramatic.
You are crazy.
I bet they sound familiar. We are not meant to clones of each, we are met to be individuals and individuals have flaws and positives. Don’t comprise who you are because other people tell you to. If people want to label you as weird because you are not like them, well let that weird flag fly. How are we ever going to learn to accept ourselves and grow as people, if people keeping telling us how to live our life’s. Life is a journey, we all have our own path to follow, and that path is going to have smooth parts and rough parts. We make mistakes we achieve accomplishments, we are not always going to be wrong and we are not always going to be right.
We are just going to who we are, the good, the bad and the damn right fucking amazing warriors.
I’m feeling even driven as days go on to spread my wings and fly and not in my usual run away from shit kind of way, but in an, I have outgrown this phase in my life and it is time I move on to the next one. I am not 100% sure what this exactly means, what I do know is that I am thinking more clearly then I have done in a long time. I am going to be making some big changes with my blog over the next coming month and I am excited about it.
I have explored every corner of my mind and there are some dark fucked places but there is also some light shining through and I have to embrace that while I can. I have spent most of my in a bubble of depression and feeling so disconnected from the world and I thought there was something wrong with me. Mental health and mental illness have had the spotlight on them for too long in my life and I want out of that bubble. It is still a part of me and always be a part of this blog but it is not the only part of me any more. So I am going to spread my wings…
So my tip of the day is –
We can be more than a label.
I have felt like my mental illness has had a hold on me for a long time but I am wiggling out of its grip, slowly. I have had so much of my life dominated by pain, depression, anxiety and just not feeling good enough. I have said so many times that is it I am done and I am not living like this anymore but carried on. There is more to me then this darkness, the girl who sings and dances in her kitchen like she is putting in a show, the girl who reads to her eyes get heavy, the girl who loves to laugh. This girl has been overshadowed by mental illness and now she is stepping back into the light.
We are more than our mental illness and we are stronger than our mental illness. Mental illness is still a part of who we are and remember that part it is not what makes us who we are.
We can be more than a label, we can be just us.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. It was therapy day aka crying into cake day. today I felt completely ripped open and I try not to get too emotional in therapy because I know when the tears start to fall I won’t be able to make them stop and I want to be able to absorb everything the therapist is saying, I won’t be able to do that if I was crying. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but I don’t make sense. So instead I go to a coffee shop get myself a coffee and some cake, find a corner to write a bit and allow myself to cry. Today was different though, a few soft tears turned into gut-wrenching sobbing when I got home. I also spoke to my partner when I got home about therapy for like 2 hours. It was hard to see him get upset because I was upset as he just wants to fix it but he knows he can’t. Even though today was hard and my eyes are sore and swollen from crying it, was worth it, as I know starting to understand my mind a bit more and how the past has affected me.
So what did I learn today?
I learned my inner child takes a lot of space inside my head because she is crying out for attention, for love and protection. I am going to have to learn to parent myself in a nurturing way instead of a critical way. I have learned that I can’t try to fix the past in the present and to acknowledge my feelings by accepting it is ok to feel the way I do. I need to be the hero my inner child has been looking for, and I can’t find in other people. They can love me and care for me but they can’t parent me and be my hero. My inner child really needs a fucking hug and I working on be that person who can be there for her and tell her things will be ok. I know my past has a stronghold on me no matter how much I have tried to shake it off, and it has been my inner child who has been the one suffering because of this. I will be ok, it hurts at the moment but I will be ok.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human.
I had the strangest of dreams last night, which is funny considering I have been getting more into dreams recently and the meaning behind them. So in this dream, my partner came home with my cousins baby, I remember thinking how weird because me and my cousin don’t really speak. My partner informs us we are babysitting and we decide to take the baby out for the day. I remember the baby was smiling and laughing at me and I was petrified of dropping her. Then while we are out I lose the baby and I am trying to get everyone to help me find the baby but no one wants to, as they kept saying it is your responsibitly, your fault and your problem. That’s all I can remember. I looked up babies in dreams and it means new opportunities and new beginnings and if the baby is happy then it means it is going to be full of joy. By me losing the baby in the dream means I am getting in my own way and that if I don’t stop self-sabotaging myself, then I may end up fucking up a new opportunity.
This dream freaked me out so much because I do feel like I am on the verge of something new and exciting but I am holding back because of my lack of self-belief. This is me all over, I have made the same mistakes over again and missed out on things because I literally step in my own way. How do I change a habit of a lifetime?
Honestly, I don’t know but what I do know is my subconscious and my conscious is trying to tell me it is time I let myself grow and to move the fuck out of my way.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. You got to love anxiety, it is like you are finally feeling some positivity and the bitch of anxiety comes up behind you and gives you a massive kick in the back. Fun times!
I know this is just a setback and I won’t let it stop me from moving forward, I just wish this anxiety shit storm in my mind would just fuck off!
We are all a fucking work in progress!
we all can be fuck ups at times, we say things we shouldn’t and do things we shouldn’t and make the same mistakes more then once or twice. We are just doing the best we can. Instead of trying to get people to give you a chance or to understand that you are trying your best, how about using that energy on yourself. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and understand that shit can be hard and how can you expect people not to judge you if you can’t stop judging yourself.
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human. So as you are reading this post I am actually homeward bound to not so sunny England. Am I excited to be leaving the sunshine and a week free of responsibility, erm no! But I am looking forward to taking this new attitude back home with me. I have spent a lot of time with my thoughts and listening to some really great podcasts while away and I feel like its kind of woke me up. Some may call it a mid-life crisis or a new awakening but I realise that there are so many things making me unhappy back home and life us too fucking short to be unhappy. I also downloaded the app called Pattern and it was ninety percent freaky accurate, I won’t go into too much detail about that as I will be doing a blog post about that soon.
So what’s the plan?
There really isn’t one apart from to start putting my happiness first and not settle in this bubble of negativity that I created for myself. I moan I don’t have connections with people but keep my myself physically and mentally guarded. I moan about my job but still keep going back for more. I keep saying I’m going to do something creative with my life but do fucking nothing about it. So maybe the plan should be follow the fuck through.
I do believe we can create our own triggers sometimes with mental illness and I am guilty of that. I am tired of feeling like I have just accepted second best in life and this is the best I can do, I’m wrong so fucking wrong. I stopped dreaming and being my weird wonderful self and now the fucks are gone and I’m moving forward with life instead of standing still.
Well thanks to everyone who reads my posts and standing by me during this journey of life. I hope you carry on as bigger better things are to come!