I didn’t choose the introvert life, it chose me!

Hey everyone,

Lately, I have been thinking about that funny old thing we call life and all the fun stuff that comes with it. You know what I mean, the heartache, the love, the pain, the laughter, the memories and all the bits in between.

I have been thinking about how introverted I have become and the effect that has had on my life and this is what I wrote:

I drown myself in words and pencils, drawing and writing about my emotions in the hope I don’t have to feel them anymore. I say fuck you to the world around for not accepting me at the same time knowing I have struggled to accept myself also. I am so embedded in my shell, where it is comfortable but lonely as there is only room for one.
Over time the layers have slowly become undone. The layers of shame, anger, sadness and pain are being stripped away slowly. Hiding underneath those layers has been layers of kindness, sensitivity and happiness. Right now I feel exposed to the flame of life, scared to touch it in case it burns my fingertips but fearful about leaving its warm embrace and going back into the cold. So what do I do now?

Some of us are naturally introverted, and I think some of us become introverted as life goes on. For me, it has definitely brought some positives but mainly negative things to my life. I am starting to take steps forward into trying to be less introverted because I think that it is what is going to be best for me in the long run. I think my anxiety may improve, my depression and my general mental health will improve, with being a bit less introverted.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

Happiness and sadness can coexist.

Hey everyone,

This week I have been dealing with a lot of negative thoughts but its during a time of my life where I feel things are slowly slotting into place and positive things are going on.
So, I thought I would share a small part of a journal I have written this week and I how I feel about it now.

Wednesday the 20th of november 2019.

I can’t help but think that every day is the same, I wake up to an overwhelming rush of negative thoughts, I shower, I eat breakfast and then I go to work. What people don’t realise is I am currently working two jobs at the same time. My normal 9 to 5 job and the job of keeping those thoughts at bay and stopping them from spilling out.
I can’t have them spill out, I can’t be that vulnerable because no one can handle that vulnerability. People just either don’t see me or they choose not to see me because it is easier than dealing with me and my shit.
I just don’t know how I am going to move forward, I can’t even cry over this anymore. I am not sleeping well because I know that I am going to start the cycle all over again when I wake up. The thing is, my life does have a lot of stuff going on, but it is both good and bad. I am not in a low mood but I am not in a manic mood either, I am just living my life.
So why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like my life is better off not existing? Then in the same breath, I know that I am happy and I know I have overcome a lot this year that I should be proud of. No, I am proud of. It is so confusing to know I am doing well but still have suicidal thoughts come flying in and making a mess of my mind. I just want peace, but I am starting to think that I am asking for the impossible. I am dealing with a sense of loneliness right now and my mind doesn’t know how to deal, which is making me feel disconnected to my life.

Re-reading my journal was hard but it has helped me see things that I didn’t see at that moment. What I can take from it all is I am sensitive when it comes to feeling ignored. I end up blaming myself, thinking I have done something to cause this or not doing something like I have shared too much or not enough.
So this week I am glad I took a step back from social media because having that need to feel noticed paired with social media doesn’t mix well at all. It is a quick fix for a long term problem.
This week I took my mask off, yes it was in private and in my journal but it allowed me to work through those feelings instead of letting them build up. I understand now what the root cause of this wave of negative thoughts. I felt triggered this week and there was a running theme during this journalling, feeling ignored.
It is important to know that it is not as simple as thinking positive and things will be positive. Mental illness or mental health issues don’t just go away because things are going right in a person’s life, it can still be there during the good days as much as it is there during the bad days.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

It is not too late and it is not too early.

Hey everyone,


I have had one of those days when I can’t help but think about where I am in life and with just over a month to go until a new year, have I just circled the drain?
The bad points can have a habit of jumping out at you like a bad meme but the good moments can be very subtle which can lead them to be overshadowed by those loud bad points. I also think it is easy to say don’t dwell on it, but as you get older it can get harder to not to dwell on the time that has passed by. Then to add anxiety on top of that, it can be crazy and can put the spotlight on something that doesn’t need all that attention.
This year has been so fucking hard and it is still fucking hard, there have been points where I thought that’s it I am done, there is no more fight left in me. I have questioned my sanity, my ability, my strength,my relationship and whether I should carry on blogging. I have learnt a lot about myself this year and learned a lot about the people that surround me. So basically, I have questioned my whole life!

The tip of the day is –

It is not too late and it is not too early.

We could easily wish the days away until the new year and start that bollocks of new year new me. What is the point in that?
Instead, it is time to focus on ending this year on a high note instead of wasting time on a low note and waiting until 2020 to turn it into a high note.
Planning can only get you so far, it is the action part that makes the difference, and turns a plan into reality. It is scary, it is hard and will probably involve that dreaded thing a lot of us like to avoid… Decisions!

So don’t wait until the new year to stop taking shit off people you don’t want to take shit from, don’t wait to try something you have always wanted to try and don’t wait until next year to start learning to love yourself, inside and out.
Don’t wait until next year to start moving towards a healthier mentally and physically you.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

Thought of the day – what is weird?

Hey everyone,

Have you ever felt that you stick out like a sore thumb, have you ever felt a spoon that was in with all the forks, have you ever felt like you just don’t quite fit?
I know a lot of you out there have felt like that. We take on the labels weird, odd and different before we label ourselves – just me. Hey don’t get me wrong, I can wave my weird flag with pride. Sometimes though, I don’t want to label what I am and who I am as weird, because, to me it is just my normal.
If we just accepted each other’s differences, would there be such a thing as weird?

Stigma is a sticky word, as it is something that is not easily gotten rid of. We are all guilty of judging, there is no one out there who has clean hands. We live in a world where we can compare our lives to one another so easily and that can form a judgement. We either can feel less than or better than by a click of a button.

So what is weird?

It is just a word, a word that can empower people and take power away, a word that can change your life for the better or change it for the worst. Weird is something that is not normal, but what is normal anyway and aren’t we all weird? As we all have a different idea of what is normal.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Pain lives in our veins.

Hey everyone,

It has been quite a positive weekend. I even went and got my eyebrows threaded, I did not only shock myself with that but my partner as well. As I am not a fan of people touching me, and for me to let a stranger be that close to me is a big step. It was definitely worth the pain of getting the hair ripped out of my face and the anxiety of wondering if she will ask me if I want my top lip doing as well!

I am really trying to work on myself and to be honest I think it has been a year of 2 steps forward and 1 step back. That’s ok though because at least I am trying. I think this year has definitely made me see my issues are deep and there is no quick fix to solve them because they won’t ever be solved. I think once you have you have suffered with mental health problems you are not cured of the issues, you just work on learning to deal with them better.
I think for years I was hoping there will be an end to this pain that lives deep inside of me, and the more I realised the pain was not disappearing, the more it grew.

Pain lives in our veins.

We all go through shit in life, some of us have past trauma, some of us have a mental illness, some of us have issues and some of us just don’t know how to deal with life. There is one thing that everyone in the world can relate to, that is pain. Pain is something that reminds us that life is not a fairytale, that things can not just hurt you physically but also mentally and can shape who you are as a person. Drawing this picture was my way of excepting that the pain will always be there, but it doesn’t always have to hurt.

I don’t believe pain can go away, I think it lives with us always. I think the key is, learning how to deal with that pain, so it doesn’t grow and spread and take over your entire life. Pain can be a motivation, it can help us understand how things affect us as a person. It can show us who we are and what we want in life.
Pain is more than a four-letter word and it can mean something different from one person to a next. Pain is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to be the only part.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

That little voice.


Hey everyone, 

So guess whos stubbornness led them to walk into not just one but two deep puddles that came up past their feet, yep that was me. My boyfriend told me not to walk my normal route home because of flooding, but I was like no it can’t be that bad he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Oh, I was wrong so wrong! It took a ruined pair of shoes to teach me that stubbornness can lead you down some very deep holes.

I got home in one piece though armed with chocolate, and after a long shower, the disappointment I was feeling, was soon washed away. I just can’t help myself it is not like I think I know it all, I struggle to put my faith in people and it is nothing to do with them, it is that little voice in my head. 

That little voice.

We all hear that little negative voice throughout our lives. Some of us hear it more often then others and some of us are better at blocking it out than others. I am one of those people that struggle to ignore it and I hear it daily. That little voice can convince us to not only doubt ourselves but also other people too. Is that voice anxiety, depression, OCD, PTSD and so on? I think it is everything.

My therapist explained it to me like this, we all have three functional ego states.

Parent – behaviours, thoughts and feelings copied from parents or parental figures.

Adult – behaviours, thoughts and feelings which are direct responses to the here-and-now.

Child – behaviours, thoughts and feelings replayed from childhood.

Which are then split into:

Controlling Parent (CP) – criticizing, reprimanding, censoring, punishing, etc

Nurturing Parent (NP) – behaviours conveying acceptance, nurturing, caring.

Adult – behaviours responding to the here-and now logically and rationally.

Adapted Child (AC) – behaviours often replayed from childhood, that either comply or rebel to rules and expectations of parental figures.

Free Child (FC) – behaviours that express spontaneity, creativity and are independent from others’ expectations.

Some of us have a very overpowering controlling parent side, where we are so critical of ourselves and the world around us. It is so hard to break habits of a lifetime and to try and combat that critical side of us. It won’t happen overnight, it takes time to learn to nurture yourself and to tell that little voice to fuck off! 

But like most things, it may be hard but doesn’t mean it is impossible.

Take care, 

Vixxy Rose

xxx

I am just tired.

Hey everyone,

I think it is easy to get lost in thought and be absorbed by your emotions, whether they are good or bad, It is so easy to escape reality inside your own mind, where things can be the extreme version of what is going on around you. I can do this a lot because sometimes as reality is just not something I can face so easily.
It is like when people avoid mirrors because they don’t want to deal with what is reflected, as a reflection is a hard thing to see when you know you are not going to like what you see. It can be also been same as avoiding eye contact with people because there is a part of you that knows that person will be able to see the lie you are trying to convince the world with by looking by your eyes.
A lot of us hide from reality because the truth can be a bitter pill to swallow.

I am just tired.

“Yeah I am okay, I am just tired.”
“I can’t make our plans, I am just too tired.”
“Sorry I didn’t mean it, I am just tired.”

Many of us have used this to mask what we are feeling, a little what lie doesn’t hurt anyone. Look, sometimes that phrase is true and we do get too tired to function as an adult. Sometimes though it’s used as a way of disguising the truth of what is going on. A way of not dealing with the things that are mentally draining us.

So why do we do it?

Habit, a defence mechanism or we just can’t deal with what we are feeling because it is just too much. The thing is we are probably feeling tired at that moment because life, mental health issues and mental illness can drain your energy.

We have to address that “tired” sooner or later and the sooner we address it the better. Recharging your batteries is more than just a physical thing, it is more then a nap, it is about dealing with those things that are making you “tired”.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

So I don’t do everything right, sue me!

Hey everyone,

I am in a really creative space right now, and I feel like I can’t get down my ideas quick enough. I might be on the verge of a manic mood shift, so I might need to keep a close eye on my warning signs over these next few days. Apart from that, it has been great to feel this creative though, I love turning my thoughts and my ideas into sometihng, whether that is a drawing or a blog post, or a short story. If there is one positive I could definitely take from this year, I would say it is the fact that I have really embraced my creative side. It is the first thing I turn to to help balance my emotions, to help me work through the bad times and the good times. I think there is more to come with this, and the more I embrace it, the more I can see it being a big part of my present and future.

So today’s tip of the day is-

So I don’t do everything right, sue me!

With a new week approaching, I think it is important to remember two things this week. You are not going to do everything right and you are not going to please everyone. If we spend most of our energy trying to perfect each day and each moment, then you are going to end up being burnt out. We are going to end up wishing the days away until Friday and may completely disregard a week because it didn’t go right. What use is that?
I am not the type of person who is all about that positive outlook because not everything in life is positive, I am a realist though, and I think it is better to not fake it. That’s just my opinion, I am no Yoda, and I am not trying to convince you are to think like me because I think I have all the answers.
I think it is great to chase after your goals and if that plan doesn’t work, try another and to keep trying plans to make those dreams happen. I also believe at the same time you need to keep one eye on reality. To remember that things can and will go wrong and not everyone will agree with you and the decisions you make.
You don’t need to change who you are to fit your surroundings, you don’t have to be a morning person, you don’t have to smile if you don’t want to and you don’t have to think like everyone else. You just need to be you.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

I can’t right now.

Hey everyone,

So another day and another eye appointment, this time to test my visual field. Well, all I am going to say on that subject is, it is not got worse but not got better. I got to take the positives from this. Yes, it wasn’t the outcome I wanted, but I can still see pretty well at the moment. It is just I struggle to make out detail and I would easily get lost in a slightly darkened room. Did I take the news well, erm hell no! I sulked for most of the day and was quite sensitive and snappy and wanted to eat my feelings. I did end up drawing and eating pancakes instead though.

So that was my day. I knew before the day started that it was going to be a day of I can’t, I can’t be bothered, I can’t do this, I can’t cry, I can’t eat my feelings until I feel even worse and I can’t adult for shit today. I think I can’t has a bit of a bad rap, as most people associate that phrase with failer.
Sometimes we just can’t though, and the more we try and force I can to happen it can just end up just blowing up in our faces. Sometimes we just can’t, but that doesn’t have to mean that’s it we give up, it can just mean, I can’t right now.

So today’s tip of the day is –

I can’t right now.

So if you got 20 things to do on your to-do list and you have enough energy for 10, so that means the remaining 10 are going to be I can’t right now. What’s wrong with that? Nothing at all. It also applies to other things too, like you are planning to go out for dinner with friends but you have had a shit day and you cancel. Have you failed in life? At friendship? No, you just can’t right now but that doesn’t mean you can’t replan and turn that I can’t into I can another day.
So don’t be ashamed if you I can’t right now and adulting has gone out the window as you are wearing your 3-day old pyjamas with unbrushed hair and smell like Cheetos. I can’t right now doesn’t mean I can won’t ever happen. Sometimes we just need time off to recharge, to revaluate and sometimes to just wallow.
Give yourself a break people we are not machines.

Take care

Vixxy Rose
xxx

When time plays tricks on you.

Hey everyone,

So it has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and I even though I am feeling quite vulnerable from it all, I am also feeling empowered. Maybe I can handle the shit thrown at me? Maybe I can be a functioning adult again? Maybe I will be ok. I know a maybe doesn’t seem that positive, but for me, it is, as the answer to those questions has been a no. I have been hiding behind my problems, as they have been my excuse for so long not to adapt to change and move forward. Those issues are like a comfort blanket because they are so familiar and most of them have been with me for a long time. I don’t think I need to grow up, it is not as simple as that, I think it is just time to push myself a little more and leave my comfort zone a little more.

So that is enough about me and my moaning lets move on to something we all can relate too.

When time plays tricks on you.

It can feel like time can slip away from you or move so slowly that you start to wonder has someone deliberately moved the clocks back. It is not time that changes, it is us. Time is something we can’t control but we wish we could. If I could control the time you know I would be adding some extra hours in bed every morning,
It is not about being able to control time though, but instead, how we use it. I waste time procrastinating, stressing and sometimes being so damn lazy. I also use it quite well by investing in a lot of time into my mental health self-care. Like anything, it is all about that balance.
Time is constant, it is always there ticking away and sometimes we need to try and ignore that ticking and concentrate on the now and not on the time that has ticked by or the time that is to come.
We are not aways going to use our time wisely either and you know what that is ok too, because at the end of the day time is there for us to use in whatever way we want to.

Take care

Vixxy Rose
xxx