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Drawing Diary 1 – Ugly Thoughts.

So yeah I’m back!!!

It’s been a long time but I’m back with with a new idea, a new blog name and hopefully a lot more blogs. So now this is blog is called Pencil Thoughts, I wanted to blend my writing and drawing. I could bore you with what has gone on since I last posted but we all know 2020 was a bad year for most people. Instead I’m just moving the fuck on and not going to drag up the past as that won’t help with that.

This year I will be keeping a drawing diary, to put down pencil to paper of the daily crap that has gone in my head. It could be the motivation for the day, the pain, the emotions or just what I have been up to.

So here we are, day one.

Ugly Thoughts.

Today I didn’t wake up with any of that new year motivation. Instead I woke up feeling rather deflated. I guess many of us had our hopes that 2021 was going to kick 2020’s. But, at the stroke of midnight there was a startling realisation, shit, it’s not that easy or that quick. Things don’t just magically change because of a clock striking midnight. My mind then flooded with anxiety because I knew that if I want change it’s got to start with me and not because it’s a new day of a new year.

It took me most of the day to push those ugly thoughts away so I could see what was behind it. Hope. Hope that things can and will get better and hope that I can and I will make things better for myself.

It’s good to be back!

Vixxy Rose

Xxx

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When things in life become two sizes too small.

Hey everyone,

I hope everyone is doing ok and keeping safe at home.

Have you ever just looked at yourself and thought what the fuck are you doing? That seems to be the main thing in my head at the moment. Like I know I am about to make the same the mistake, but maybe this time it will work out differently. Like, no Vixxy, what the fuck are you doing? It is like adding 2 plus 2 and hoping that the outcome will be something other than 4, (insert palm to face!).

I know have come a long way, but I am now trying to make things fit my life that I have outgrown and no matter how much I try to squeeze into them, it just doesn’t feel quite right. Like, you wouldn’t wear shoes that are two sizes too small, so why try to hold onto to things you have mentally outgrown. It has served its purpose and now it is time to let go.

My tip of the day is –

” A good idea can turn bad.”

Have you ever listened to a song that you like over and over again and you end up disliking that song because you have heard it too many times? Yep, I have. Have you ever stayed in a relationship or a friendship because you are holding on to the good times from the past and ignoring the shitty times that are currently happening? Yep, I have. We outgrow things all the time, the whole point of recovery or progress is moving forward.
Just because something was good and made you happy before, doesn’t mean that it will always have the same effect. I have definitely outgrown a lot of things that saved me and gave me what I needed at that particular moment in order for me to take the next step forward.
When we grow, we change and when we change those things that previously helped us grow may no longer have the same positive effect. So maybe it is time to have a mental spring clean if you feel that you are stuck in a rut. Ask yourself, are you just trying to do what you normally do over and over again and hoping for a different outcome. If so, well maybe its time for some new.

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Time for a change!

Hey everyone,

So I have been trying to get back into this blog but I have come to realise it just doesn’t fit me anymore. I have outgrown it,which is both sad and good! As it show the progress I have made these last few years and I know a lot of that progress was helped by this blog.

This has been my save place for so long and I couldn’t be more thankful to the people that have supported me and this blog a long the way.

This blog taught me it’s okay to feel what I’m feeling and I’m not alone in my struggles. I have learned so much so much and honestly getting choked up right now and struggling to know what to say. Because it is time to say goodbye to this blog, it’s time to say goodbye to the person I once was and goodbye to the past.

But it not a total goodbye because I have been working on something new, something that reflects who I am now and I’m so excited to start this journey. So this blog is going to be changing and I’m looking forward to share with you all what I have been working on very soon!

There is going to be a new blog name, new type of content and my podcast is being resurrected again! So please stay tuned!

So it’s goodbye to crazylittlethings and hello to What the F!

Take care all

Vixxy Rose

Xxx

I will never understand, but I stand.

Hey everyone,

I know I know I said I would write more but life has got in the way and i use a lot of my free time now for art and drawing.

So I don’t want to do my usual waffle about my life. Instead I want to use this small platform to share a big message. To do what I can to help get voices heard.

We all know what is going on in the news, we all know that media is pushing out a message that is not completely truth.

It is crazy we are supposed to be an advanced society because we are far from it. If we were so advanced then all lives would matter but they don’t. I have spent the last few days just kind of in the zone of what can I do. I can’t leave my house right now, I don’t have a massive platform and I’m in england not America.

Well that’s all excuses there are things people like me can do, we can use our platform no matter how small it is it still counts, we can sign petitions and most importantly we can educate ourselves on what is going on and how racism is still alive and well in our society.

I am a mixed race women who looks more white then mixed race. I have privilege because of my skin colour. Yes I got struggles and shit in life but there’s a one thing I will never understand or struggle with and that’s being treated differently and unfairly because of my skin colour.

Now is the time to educate ourselves so we can help and learn from this.

This link below has a lot of resources like petitions, donation pages, things to watch and read. Check it out! https://lectureinprogress.com/journal/resources-for-supporting-black-lives-matter-movement

Take care

Vixxy Rose

Xxx

Don’t let life grind you down.

Hey everyone,

So here we are on day who the fuck knows of lockdown, and I have learnt a lot about myself so far during this time.

  • Firstly I spend a lot of time going to my fridge for something and end up just standing there with the fridge door open conplantating life.
  • I have a cupboard full of cups and only use 2 of them.
  • I’m not as tidy as I thought I was.
  • I’m still awkward as hell.
  • I get very lonely.
  • Feeling ignored and left behind can be my biggest trigger.

I am trying to do new things even if it is not every day, but so far I am rebelling against myself. It is just too easy to slip into a comfortable routine even if you know that it may not be the best thing for you. It’s like my comfy bra, it’s over warn, it is falling apart and it doesn’t give me any support, but I still wear it the most because it’s comfy and familiar.

It is so easy right now to sweat the small things too, because they are right fucking there. There is not so many things to distract you from them at the moment and those small things can appear bigger then what they are.

So my tip of the day is-

Don’t let life grind you down.

Life is so different and hard for us all at the moment and we could all do with a sprinkle of positivity. I used to be one of those people who just didn’t understand positive people, and now I want to be one of them, as I’m sick of this dark cloud hanging over us.

It can be hard to not let life grind you down at the moment, it can be hard to put on a cheery face after weeks of only seeing your own face and it can be hard not to get emotional due to this pandemic. We have to try and remember that strength is not holding back the tears or beating ourself for having a bad day or two. It takes a lot of strength to be vulnerable and so remember you got this shit!

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

Xxx

A thought bubble…

Hey everyone,

I hope everyone is doing ok and keeping safe at home.

Right now I have a lot of thoughts and a lot of spare time to spend with those thoughts, even though I am working from home. Our daily routine distractions have been taken away from us, so all those thoughts you can push back to the back of your mind with day to day life, can slowly make their way to the front.

“Is this the life you want?”
” Are you really a eat, work, sleep and repeat kind of person?”
“Have you let your dreams die?”

This is a time of reflection, a chance to look at our lives and see what is making us truly happy and what is just a distraction. The problem with that is, what if you don’t trust your own thoughts? What if you can’t separate what is your own thought and what is an intrusive thought.

A good 75% of most days I will spend with music blasting in my ears, doing that right now. It is not only just a tool to distract me from my thoughts but focus me at the same time, if that makes sense. It can help me push the intrusive thoughts and bullshit out of the spotlight, so I am not always fighting through a fog of thoughts to get to the thing that I need to be concentrating on.

Sometimes though, I can’t always tell the difference between what is an intrusive thought, and what is my own and that can leave you with a feeling of not knowing who you are. It has felt like at times like I am my way through life and becoming a reflection to suit the people around me because I didn’t trust my thoughts, I had no identity. So when I am left alone with that reflection, it has caused me mental anguish then it did help me.

Thoughts are more than something that pops up in a person’s mind, they can determine and they can blur that line of reality, thoughts can rise a dream or bring it crashing down and thoughts can bring people together and can cause utter loneliness.

Being alone with our thoughts is not always easy and right now more of us have more free time with them, that’s a scary thought! So, write about them, draw about them, talk about them, vlog about them. You got this shit!

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Time to change things up!

Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is well and staying safe. I know my blog posts are a bit sporadic, I’m still trying to get back into the swing of things with my blog, but I’m getting there, slowly!

So, who else is losing track of the days and feeling like its groundhog day every day! I need to shake things up and expand my daily activities before depression takes over, and I end up falling down into that deep dark pit.

So my tip of the day is –

Time to change things up!

Doing the same thing over and over again can feel safe and secure. It can also put us in a rut and frustrated with the day to day like. So why not use the extra time on our hands to try sometime new? Not everything we will try will be a success and change our life’s drastically , but it can help with our mental health and keep us motivated.

So what can we do?

• Well the opportunities are endless, how about set up a vision board or write a list of the things you would like to try.

• Pinterest is an amazing tool for finding new things to try.

• Try some yoga or medication, something that can help your body and mind.

• Most importantly don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Keep it fun and keep it light, this is about you and what makes you happy.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

Xxx

You can’t sugarcoat the bullshit!

Hey everyone,

I hope everyone is keeping safe.

I know it has been good for me in the short term to be working from home. As I am so glad to have some structure to my day because I know my mental health takes a nosedive when I don’t have some type of routine.
Long term though, I do have some concern that it will start blurring the lines between home and work and there won’t be any escape from the stress my job can bring. I think long term I think need my happy place back, aka my desk which I use for my art and writing and maybe set up my workspace somewhere different.

I think we all need to face that the lockdown may be a bit more of a long term thing and we should prepare ourselves mentally for that outcome.

So my tip of the day is –

You can’t sugarcoat bullshit.

I think it is getting harder and harder for people to put on that brave face, because it feels like this pandemic is nowhere near a point of improving. Many people are scared, bored, lonely and pissed the fuck off!

Humans need connection, safety and honesty. We haven’t got that right now, and I think we are facing a mental health pandemic as well. So, I think that it is so important to make self-care an everyday thing.

For instance, it can be making sure you are not overdoing it with the news, maybe just once or twice a day to watch an update or read one. Contacting at least one person every day from your social life, to check in on them and keep that connection going for yourself. Making sure your working form home life doesn’t bleed into your home life.

Lastly, it is ok to feel scared its a scary world at the moment, no one knows how to handle this shit because we haven’t been in this position before. You don’t need to sugarcoat the bullshit, there is going to be bad days for us all, we are going to feel the mental strain but we can get through this.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

One day at a time.

Hey everyone,

So what feels like day 35 of quarantine in my house, I honestly can see an upside to this working from home malarky. I don’t need to put makeup on, I get to wear my comfies all day and I get to spend my breaks from work in a place where I know I can fully relax.
I know this may soon wear thin, but hey, I just am trying to see the bright side. As things are pretty shitty out there at the moment and it doesn’t feel there is an end in sight any time soon, so I’ve got to try and look on the bright side.

For instance, that big part of me that is socially anxious is bloody loving this right now. Honestly, that side of me has never been so freaking relaxed. No awkward social interactions, no anxiety about being in a crowded place and no fear of being hated by people around me. So, part of my mind is in vacation mode right now.
Unfortunately, the other part of my anxiety has jumped on the coronavirus pandemic. Let me give you a few examples of what shit anxiety is putting through my mind;

“Going outside is a bad idea you will get sick and die!”
“Did you wash your hands enough today?”
“You thought you were lonely before, ha, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

So yeah fun times!

I haven’t posted a tip of the day in ages so let’s post one today.

My tip of the day is –

One day at a time.

It is as simple as that. No one was really prepared for something like this, well. except for maybe survivalists. There is a lot of fear in the world right now and not every day is going to be a great one, no one likes the feeling of being isolated and lonely. Taking care of our mental health is key right now to get through this shitty time. Bad days are inevitable but it is how we get through those days that will help us through it. so remember one day at a time.

Take care,

Vixxy rose
xxx

Things just got too fucking much,,,,

Hey everyone,

So long time no blogging! I have taken some time away from my blog and also took a bit of s step away from my social media to. I stopped interacting with people as much and posting as much because things just got on top of me. It felt like i was juggling too much and if I didn’t put a few things down, then I was risking everything coming crashing down.

In a way, it felt like I just gave up. I let the negatively build and build and it infected every part of me. But also, I ave been struggling with my sight for nearly 2 years now, and recently just have my first procedures on eyes to help me with this.
Life has been fucking hard and I just didn’t know if I could do this shit anymore, this past year has probably been the most suicidal I have ever been. My life was changing in a negative way and I had no control over it, I had no control over the diseases affecting my eyes and I just couldn’t see a way out of the darkness that was surrounding me.
My physical and mental health was on a downward spiral.
I felt no ashamed I couldn’t read or write very well and I am still struggling with that, and that’s another reason why I stopped posting and interacting so much on my blog and social media, it’s not easy to do that shit when you can’t read.

Am I better?

No, but I’m healing. My eyesight is starting to improve and I am learning to take things day by day. I have learnt that it is ok to fall but you can’t stay down you got to fight to get back up.

Well, I am back though and I got a lot that I want to share with you all, the good the bad and the damn right weird! Also, my podcast will be making a return so keep a lookout.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

xxx