That little voice.


Hey everyone, 

So guess whos stubbornness led them to walk into not just one but two deep puddles that came up past their feet, yep that was me. My boyfriend told me not to walk my normal route home because of flooding, but I was like no it can’t be that bad he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Oh, I was wrong so wrong! It took a ruined pair of shoes to teach me that stubbornness can lead you down some very deep holes.

I got home in one piece though armed with chocolate, and after a long shower, the disappointment I was feeling, was soon washed away. I just can’t help myself it is not like I think I know it all, I struggle to put my faith in people and it is nothing to do with them, it is that little voice in my head. 

That little voice.

We all hear that little negative voice throughout our lives. Some of us hear it more often then others and some of us are better at blocking it out than others. I am one of those people that struggle to ignore it and I hear it daily. That little voice can convince us to not only doubt ourselves but also other people too. Is that voice anxiety, depression, OCD, PTSD and so on? I think it is everything.

My therapist explained it to me like this, we all have three functional ego states.

Parent – behaviours, thoughts and feelings copied from parents or parental figures.

Adult – behaviours, thoughts and feelings which are direct responses to the here-and-now.

Child – behaviours, thoughts and feelings replayed from childhood.

Which are then split into:

Controlling Parent (CP) – criticizing, reprimanding, censoring, punishing, etc

Nurturing Parent (NP) – behaviours conveying acceptance, nurturing, caring.

Adult – behaviours responding to the here-and now logically and rationally.

Adapted Child (AC) – behaviours often replayed from childhood, that either comply or rebel to rules and expectations of parental figures.

Free Child (FC) – behaviours that express spontaneity, creativity and are independent from others’ expectations.

Some of us have a very overpowering controlling parent side, where we are so critical of ourselves and the world around us. It is so hard to break habits of a lifetime and to try and combat that critical side of us. It won’t happen overnight, it takes time to learn to nurture yourself and to tell that little voice to fuck off! 

But like most things, it may be hard but doesn’t mean it is impossible.

Take care, 

Vixxy Rose

xxx

I am just tired.

Hey everyone,

I think it is easy to get lost in thought and be absorbed by your emotions, whether they are good or bad, It is so easy to escape reality inside your own mind, where things can be the extreme version of what is going on around you. I can do this a lot because sometimes as reality is just not something I can face so easily.
It is like when people avoid mirrors because they don’t want to deal with what is reflected, as a reflection is a hard thing to see when you know you are not going to like what you see. It can be also been same as avoiding eye contact with people because there is a part of you that knows that person will be able to see the lie you are trying to convince the world with by looking by your eyes.
A lot of us hide from reality because the truth can be a bitter pill to swallow.

I am just tired.

“Yeah I am okay, I am just tired.”
“I can’t make our plans, I am just too tired.”
“Sorry I didn’t mean it, I am just tired.”

Many of us have used this to mask what we are feeling, a little what lie doesn’t hurt anyone. Look, sometimes that phrase is true and we do get too tired to function as an adult. Sometimes though it’s used as a way of disguising the truth of what is going on. A way of not dealing with the things that are mentally draining us.

So why do we do it?

Habit, a defence mechanism or we just can’t deal with what we are feeling because it is just too much. The thing is we are probably feeling tired at that moment because life, mental health issues and mental illness can drain your energy.

We have to address that “tired” sooner or later and the sooner we address it the better. Recharging your batteries is more than just a physical thing, it is more then a nap, it is about dealing with those things that are making you “tired”.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

So I don’t do everything right, sue me!

Hey everyone,

I am in a really creative space right now, and I feel like I can’t get down my ideas quick enough. I might be on the verge of a manic mood shift, so I might need to keep a close eye on my warning signs over these next few days. Apart from that, it has been great to feel this creative though, I love turning my thoughts and my ideas into sometihng, whether that is a drawing or a blog post, or a short story. If there is one positive I could definitely take from this year, I would say it is the fact that I have really embraced my creative side. It is the first thing I turn to to help balance my emotions, to help me work through the bad times and the good times. I think there is more to come with this, and the more I embrace it, the more I can see it being a big part of my present and future.

So today’s tip of the day is-

So I don’t do everything right, sue me!

With a new week approaching, I think it is important to remember two things this week. You are not going to do everything right and you are not going to please everyone. If we spend most of our energy trying to perfect each day and each moment, then you are going to end up being burnt out. We are going to end up wishing the days away until Friday and may completely disregard a week because it didn’t go right. What use is that?
I am not the type of person who is all about that positive outlook because not everything in life is positive, I am a realist though, and I think it is better to not fake it. That’s just my opinion, I am no Yoda, and I am not trying to convince you are to think like me because I think I have all the answers.
I think it is great to chase after your goals and if that plan doesn’t work, try another and to keep trying plans to make those dreams happen. I also believe at the same time you need to keep one eye on reality. To remember that things can and will go wrong and not everyone will agree with you and the decisions you make.
You don’t need to change who you are to fit your surroundings, you don’t have to be a morning person, you don’t have to smile if you don’t want to and you don’t have to think like everyone else. You just need to be you.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

I can’t right now.

Hey everyone,

So another day and another eye appointment, this time to test my visual field. Well, all I am going to say on that subject is, it is not got worse but not got better. I got to take the positives from this. Yes, it wasn’t the outcome I wanted, but I can still see pretty well at the moment. It is just I struggle to make out detail and I would easily get lost in a slightly darkened room. Did I take the news well, erm hell no! I sulked for most of the day and was quite sensitive and snappy and wanted to eat my feelings. I did end up drawing and eating pancakes instead though.

So that was my day. I knew before the day started that it was going to be a day of I can’t, I can’t be bothered, I can’t do this, I can’t cry, I can’t eat my feelings until I feel even worse and I can’t adult for shit today. I think I can’t has a bit of a bad rap, as most people associate that phrase with failer.
Sometimes we just can’t though, and the more we try and force I can to happen it can just end up just blowing up in our faces. Sometimes we just can’t, but that doesn’t have to mean that’s it we give up, it can just mean, I can’t right now.

So today’s tip of the day is –

I can’t right now.

So if you got 20 things to do on your to-do list and you have enough energy for 10, so that means the remaining 10 are going to be I can’t right now. What’s wrong with that? Nothing at all. It also applies to other things too, like you are planning to go out for dinner with friends but you have had a shit day and you cancel. Have you failed in life? At friendship? No, you just can’t right now but that doesn’t mean you can’t replan and turn that I can’t into I can another day.
So don’t be ashamed if you I can’t right now and adulting has gone out the window as you are wearing your 3-day old pyjamas with unbrushed hair and smell like Cheetos. I can’t right now doesn’t mean I can won’t ever happen. Sometimes we just need time off to recharge, to revaluate and sometimes to just wallow.
Give yourself a break people we are not machines.

Take care

Vixxy Rose
xxx

When time plays tricks on you.

Hey everyone,

So it has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and I even though I am feeling quite vulnerable from it all, I am also feeling empowered. Maybe I can handle the shit thrown at me? Maybe I can be a functioning adult again? Maybe I will be ok. I know a maybe doesn’t seem that positive, but for me, it is, as the answer to those questions has been a no. I have been hiding behind my problems, as they have been my excuse for so long not to adapt to change and move forward. Those issues are like a comfort blanket because they are so familiar and most of them have been with me for a long time. I don’t think I need to grow up, it is not as simple as that, I think it is just time to push myself a little more and leave my comfort zone a little more.

So that is enough about me and my moaning lets move on to something we all can relate too.

When time plays tricks on you.

It can feel like time can slip away from you or move so slowly that you start to wonder has someone deliberately moved the clocks back. It is not time that changes, it is us. Time is something we can’t control but we wish we could. If I could control the time you know I would be adding some extra hours in bed every morning,
It is not about being able to control time though, but instead, how we use it. I waste time procrastinating, stressing and sometimes being so damn lazy. I also use it quite well by investing in a lot of time into my mental health self-care. Like anything, it is all about that balance.
Time is constant, it is always there ticking away and sometimes we need to try and ignore that ticking and concentrate on the now and not on the time that has ticked by or the time that is to come.
We are not aways going to use our time wisely either and you know what that is ok too, because at the end of the day time is there for us to use in whatever way we want to.

Take care

Vixxy Rose
xxx

We got this far!

Hey everyone,

We are at the end of one week and close to the start of another. Whether you have had the week from hell or a week that has felt like you have been floating on cloud nine, we keep moving forward. For me it’s been half and half, I have definitely had a dark cloud floating above me due to me struggling with my health issues. I just want to live my life but I have to adapt it so much due to my health. I got a big week coming up though, two appointments with specialists about my eyes and one doctor’s appointment about my mental health. So I honestly think there is going to be some tears this week and I know it’s going to be a tough week.

So today’s tip of for day is:

We got this far!

We can forget we have got through every bad day so far, we forget that most of the time strength can be silent and we forget that we don’t always have to have everything figured out.

So remember this week we might make mistakes, we might have some hurdles and we might just want to throw our hands up and say fuck this shit! We may also achieve something this week, make some steps forward and we might throw our hands up and say we handled that shit!

Vixxy Rose

Take care,

xxx

Me dramatic?! Sometimes…

Hey everyone,

We all can be a bit dramatic from time to time. I can admit to having full blown bitch fits when something hasn’t gone my way or when I go to make a cup of tea and realise there is no milk left. Just because we are adults doesn’t mean we can’t lose our shit when something pisses us off. Who hasn’t full-on sulked when it feels like the world has wronged us in the most stupidest and smallest way. For example, when you go out to a restaurant and order something which you end up hating but dribble over what the person you are with has ordered and they won’t share. Yep, I have and will sulk in that situation.
Then on the flip side of that, when something goes right we can be dramatic like when I win at Monopoly, I will more than likely act like I have won a gold medal at the Olympics.

Being dramatic is a form of expression and it is not to be confused with anxiety, depression or most mental illnesses. I know the difference between my mental health issues and my dramatic flare. Some people think blogging or talking about there issues is a person being dramatic.

I think there is a big misunderstanding about why people share their stories, and why we decide to rip ourselves open to the world. There is a lot of people who don’t get it, and I get why people don’t understand. Why expose yourself to the world that can be very judgmental, are you that starved of attention? Firstly, honestly yes I was, and secondly, I don’t do it hoping for any type of sympathy. I do it for many reasons, sometimes it is to help me, sometimes it is to help others and sometimes both. I do it to have my voice heard, whether it is by one person, a hundred or just myself. I don’t expect people to understand, and if you want to read my words, look at my art and listen to my podcast great and if you don’t want to, then don’t. It is that simple.

Being dramatic is something we are all capable of, there is no age limit or restriction, you don’t need to have a mental health issue or illness, it doesn’t matter what sex you are or not and it doesn’t matter what your sexual orientation is either. Dramatic is just dramatic it can be as simple as that.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

If you really knew me.

Hey everyone,

I have had to look at who I am recently and address how others see me, as I feel who I am is being jaded by struggles with anxiety and other issues. I can sometimes feel like I share too much or too little and maybe some of it is my own fault. It has been my life for a long fucking time and to step out of that and to work on myself for other reasons is weird to me. We can lose ourselves to mental illness and when we start recovering from that, the person we become can be so diffrent to the person we once were.

If you really knew me you would know, despite what you may think I want to be more then this, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being ruled by issues. I have come on leaps and bounds in my eyes and trust me when I say I know my faults. I am not making excuses but give me a break, I am human.

If you really knew me you would know, I got more then mental health issues to battle with and being diagnosed with two rare inflammation conditions may not make it easy for me to see the bright fucking side of life. It has dramatically affected my eyes and there is no cure. one day it may spread to other parts of my body. so yeah some days I might have a face like a smacked ass.

If you really knew me you would know, I have resting bitch face. I can’t help it my face just looks like it is unimpressed!

If you really knew me you would know, there is more to me then meets the eye. I am just a girl standing in front of the world saying this is me. I fuck up, I laugh, I love to draw, I put on little musicals in my kitchen, I hate bras, I get lonely, I detest baked beans, I am not a morning person and I love a good book and a cuppa tea.

I leave you with one of my favourite quotes from my favourite film, Breakfast Club.


“You see us as you want to see us—in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…and an athlete…and a basket case…a princess…and a criminal. Does that answer your question?”

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

Sunday’s are for me, myself and not giving a fuck!

Hey everyone,

So it’s been a week of tears, tears and a few more tears! It has been a great example of you can be having a good week but still with a lot of shit going on. If this was a few months ago I would have reacted very differently, as I would have just given up and fucked up the good things going on as well. Instead, I cried when I needed to, dusted myself off and carried on because of the bad shit of is not worth more than the good.

That’s the thing when bad shit happens during a good week, it is so easy to just focus on that and let the good shit crumble away. The thing is to remember is that any good week will give some bad points too. It is so easy to get sucked into that dark place but not so easy to stay on track.

We need to remember it is ok to rest but not to quit, it’s ok to cry when you need to cry. It’s ok to just not give a fuck when you need to, like when you need to take care of yourself and focus on you instead of the world around you.

Take care everyone have a good week!

Vixxy Rose

Xxx

Your path is not my path.

Hey everyone,

It has been one of those weeks where I wanted to exchange my adulting permit for a learning permit in adulting instead. My new job is going well, it is just all the other things that come with adulthood, being social, being present in the world and being able to not want to lose your shit at the smallest thing. i don’t want to change who I am to fit someone’s opinion on who I should be. I don’t want to be a morning person I have tried to and I am just naturally a grumpy cow in the morning. I don’t want to decide to have babies yet because I am thirty and everyone has started already, I don’t want to look on the bright side when I feel like shit, instead, I want to listen to my music really loud and shed a tear or two. I don’t want the person I am becoming to be decided by others.
I think as adults we can get pressured to be and act in a certain way because we are of age and it is time to be put you in a box. I have problems with fertility and when people ask me when is it baby time it, it can really get to me, I am like, “I don’t know Linda when my insides decide to play ball!”. When people tell me the past is in the past let it go and aren’t you too old to still be dealing with past trauma, ” I am sorry Linda I didn’t know trauma comes with an age limit?”

We all have our own path to create, to make mistakes, to hit rock bottom, to rise to the top and to achieve. We can’t always get it right because how else would we learn what we like and don’t like, what we want and don’t want, what we are and what we are not.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

xxx