So what feels like day 35 of quarantine in my house, I honestly can see an upside to this working from home malarky. I don’t need to put makeup on, I get to wear my comfies all day and I get to spend my breaks from work in a place where I know I can fully relax. I know this may soon wear thin, but hey, I just am trying to see the bright side. As things are pretty shitty out there at the moment and it doesn’t feel there is an end in sight any time soon, so I’ve got to try and look on the bright side.
For instance, that big part of me that is socially anxious is bloody loving this right now. Honestly, that side of me has never been so freaking relaxed. No awkward social interactions, no anxiety about being in a crowded place and no fear of being hated by people around me. So, part of my mind is in vacation mode right now. Unfortunately, the other part of my anxiety has jumped on the coronavirus pandemic. Let me give you a few examples of what shit anxiety is putting through my mind;
“Going outside is a bad idea you will get sick and die!” “Did you wash your hands enough today?” “You thought you were lonely before, ha, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
So yeah fun times!
I haven’t posted a tip of the day in ages so let’s post one today.
My tip of the day is –
One day at a time.
It is as simple as that. No one was really prepared for something like this, well. except for maybe survivalists. There is a lot of fear in the world right now and not every day is going to be a great one, no one likes the feeling of being isolated and lonely. Taking care of our mental health is key right now to get through this shitty time. Bad days are inevitable but it is how we get through those days that will help us through it. so remember one day at a time.
So long time no blogging! I have taken some time away from my blog and also took a bit of s step away from my social media to. I stopped interacting with people as much and posting as much because things just got on top of me. It felt like i was juggling too much and if I didn’t put a few things down, then I was risking everything coming crashing down.
In a way, it felt like I just gave up. I let the negatively build and build and it infected every part of me. But also, I ave been struggling with my sight for nearly 2 years now, and recently just have my first procedures on eyes to help me with this. Life has been fucking hard and I just didn’t know if I could do this shit anymore, this past year has probably been the most suicidal I have ever been. My life was changing in a negative way and I had no control over it, I had no control over the diseases affecting my eyes and I just couldn’t see a way out of the darkness that was surrounding me. My physical and mental health was on a downward spiral. I felt no ashamed I couldn’t read or write very well and I am still struggling with that, and that’s another reason why I stopped posting and interacting so much on my blog and social media, it’s not easy to do that shit when you can’t read.
Am I better?
No, but I’m healing. My eyesight is starting to improve and I am learning to take things day by day. I have learnt that it is ok to fall but you can’t stay down you got to fight to get back up.
Well, I am back though and I got a lot that I want to share with you all, the good the bad and the damn right weird! Also, my podcast will be making a return so keep a lookout.
So it has been a while, I didn’t plan to be away from my blog for this long, but the time away was needed. It felt like I was juggling too much, and I needed to put something down before everything came crashing down. I will probably talk about it more in another blog post because there is something more important that I wanted to talk about.
Here in the U.K. news recently broke about the sad passing of Caroline Flack, who unfortunately took her own life on the 15th of February. Caroline was the host of Love Island and was also well known for other TV work. Caroline appeared to have been going through a lot in recent months. It also doesn’t help the situation that her life has also been put under a microscope not only by the British media but by the every day person thanks to social media. The thing is the same press that has been reporting how sad her passing was, are the same ones who were sharing her private and personal life to the world. It is bad enough to have your life just out there for the world to read about while enjoying their morning coffee, but that is not where it ends. People who didn’t know her as a person were able to share their judgment on her life with her through social media. Where is the line? Where is the humanity? Where is the kindness? There seems to be a cloud of darkness that surrounds this world, instead of picking each other up when a person is down, some people just either step over them or step on them to keep them down.
It is fucking crazy that kindness is becoming rare, what is happening, is social media to blame? Is reality TV? Is technology to blame because we expect things to be quicker and instant, which means we have become spoiled?
Words are free, it’s how you use them that may cost.
I hope everyone is having a great holidays and keeping themselves safe mentally and physically. I have decided to take a break from my blog until the new year.
It is a heavy heart that I am saying this but I think for my own mental way being I need this. I think I have struggled with blogging this past month or so and I think it is now time to press pause.
I want to thank everyone for the amazing support and I wouldn’t be here without you guys. I hope to come back stronger and have more interesting things to say in 2020. I See you in the new year people!
Christmas is now around the corner, what the fuck! How is this year egding closer to the end? I think there is a lot of us going “well this year didn’t go to plan” or ” what a shit year so bring on a new one”. It is very easy to see the bad in this year, trust me that is all I can see, but we have to remember that there are good points hidden amongst those shit ones. You are here, we are here and we have got through those shit moments to reach the end of another year. What is done is done, and whether you had shed more tears then laughed this year, it is time to prepare to move forward.
It is not just Santa that is on its way. We are about to reach that peak of emotions during this festive period where we are going to filled with love and happiness but also grieve and loneliness . It is going to be a shit storm of emotions people and remember that we are all going through it, you are not alone.
So the presents are wrapped, the plans are made, the Christmas jumpers are at the ready and the anxiety is seeping in. So what now? Now it is time to remember that you got this shit, whether you are worried about family arguments, people not liking their gifts, struggled to afford gifts this year or haven’t got family to celebrate it with; you got this shit. The strength is there and has been there all throughout this year, you will get through it because you are a fucking warrior.
The title really does speak for itself, today’s blog post has been inspired by something that I did. I have spent what feels like a lifetime hating my body, hating food and hating the lack of control I have with my body. I am not as comfortable talking about my food issues and body issues compared to how comfortable I have got talking about my other mental health issues, like my anixety. It has been something that has kind of been a secret but not in a way, like I can’t hide my body issues as easily as I can my food issues.
I go up and down with my food and body isses, I have good months and bad. It is something I do want to get help with but it also something I am petrified about being attention too. This month I have hit another breaking point, and it was definitely been a build-up of things. I have become more controlling with my food which has resulted in me eating the same things every day as in my mind they are safe foods, weighing myself 3 times a day and freaking out internally over a buffet at work because it was right next to my desk. I know I need to face this more head on because I keep getting into this pattern so easily. I just want to be able to enjoy food and love my body. I can’t quite believe I am writing this and sharing this because I do try and hide this part of me.
I bought some new underwear recently to try to see if it would help with my body issues and it kind of did. My boyfriend was out tonight so I sat in my new underwear with a “non safe” food a small bowl of fries. I kept telling myself over and over this is my body and it is ok to eat things without feeling guilty, I am not going to say I am now cured of my issues by sitting in my underwear eating fries but, it definitely put a smile on my face and helped me realise, I got this shit.
I have been dealing with that dreaded writer’s block, and it has got to a point that I have thought about stopping blogging. I know a tad dramatic, but I think I am getting close to pressing a big restart button on this blog next year. We just have to wait and see!
Don’t get your tinsel in a twist!
I think I need to take my own advice! I think the stress levels are high for a lot of people right now, the clock is ticking down fast till Christmas day and most of us are like “have I done enough?” Festive anxiety mixed with normal anxiety equals an anxiety bomb. Most of us are so worried about making things right for others that we forget about ourselves. I am so guilty of trying to please everyone and putting my own happiness last and it is hard to get out of that mentality this time of year. I think there are two things we need to remember; number one is you can’t buy love and number two is things won’t be perfect. We take on so much anxiety this time of year in the hope it will be worth it, but is it really with your mental health? We are getting our tinsel in a twist for one fucking day! Even if you are religious or not, this is not what Christmas should be about. So take a step back if it is getting too much, don’t put yourself in a bad place mentally and finacially for a day that comes and goes every year. Instead, focus on creating happy memories and keeping yourself mentally and finically in a good place.
I want to keep this post simple and straight to the point, so I am not going to bore you with what I have been up to these past few days and how a walk in the rain traumatised the hell out of me, I save that story for another day. Instead, I want to talk about how we got this shit. Things in life can get complicated with social issues, family issues, relationship issues and so basically just a ton of fucking issues. Those things that are floating around us from the past and present can feel so heavy and make you feel so weighed down. It may feel like you have more than your fair share of problems and that everyone else is living their best life while you are stuck dragging your suitcase of issues trying to get through each day. I have wished at times that I could just leave those issues somewhere where they can’t find me, but it doesn’t work that way though. I think many of us have truly had times where we have felt like giving up and feeling hopeless because it’s just so fucking heavy.
But we got this shit, we got this far with that heavy weight and so can you imagine how far we can get when we learn to handle those issues better so they are not so heavy. I say this to myself a lot now, during the good times and bad times, I got this shit. Life will throw curveballs and will cause issues but I got this shit you got this shit we got this shit!
What can I say, apart from right now I feel so sad, something I was really hoping was going to happen this weekend, didn’t. I now have the choice of do I carry on living with this sadness in the hope that one day things may change or do I just let it go because that pain go is so heavy to keep carrying? If this gets back to you somehow, just know I will never stop hoping you will be in my life again.
A Christmas cry.
Many of us grieve this time of year for people we have lost both passed and living. Many of us are hurting while trying to keep a smile on our faces. So about 7 years ago I decided to do a Christmas cry near the beginning of December. I watch something that brings all those feelings to the service, I let myself grieve for those I love that are no longer around, I grieve for the pain I feel this time of year and I grieve for that inner child who just wants to be loved. Now I have had so many funny looks off people when I tell them I do this but it is therapeutic and way better for the soul than trying to stuff those feelings down. So my advice is if you are missing someone this holiday season, don’t push those feelings away. Maybe do something that reminds you of them and have that Christmas cry. Those feelings are a part of you and those people you miss are a part of you. Now that I have acknowledged that sadness, it doesn’t feel so big as it did when I was trying to stuff it down. Christmas is about memories creating new ones and remembering old ones. Some of those memories can bring a tear to your eye, you don’t need to wipe that tear away because it is Christmas.We all need a Christmas cry.
One of my favourite songs is “Don’t let me be misunderstood” by Nina Simone, that songs speaks to every fibre of my soul. It speaks of the internal battle we can feel going inside us all. The blurred lines of feeling good but bad at the same time and the worry of our internal struggle is having an impact on our surroundings.
Most of us have felt misunderstood, not heard or not recognised. Most of us have tried to change who we are to fit in with our surroundings because we didn’t want that feeling anymore. It doesn’t take it away though it is just a bandaid for a deep wound and sooner or later that bandaid will no longer be able to hold that fakeness and who we are together.
Changing who you are to fit someone else’s narrative doesn’t make it your narrative, that is not your story.
A star is born when atoms of light elements are squeezed under enough pressure for their nuclei to undergo fusion. All stars are the result of a balance of forces: the force of gravity compresses atoms in interstellar gas until the fusion reactions begin.
Your story is what makes you who you are, the pressure, the changes and sometimes the total destruction of who we are to become who we need to be. Remember stars didn’t just appear in the night sky they are formed over a period of time and that goes for us too.
We go through changes, ups and downs in life to form who we are. So next time you are worried that you don’t fit someone else’s narritive, remember you have come so far to not let your story be your own story and to be that star.