Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. So the storm is still clearing and the light is breaking through the clouds every now and then, my mood is feeling lighter even though there is still a bit of light rain in the air. This is the thing with bipolar, a cycle can feel like it lasts longer than what it does because the recovery process is usually quite slow. Even though I know the storm is over, I still feel a little heavy-hearted but that might also be down to the bitch of anxiety and mother nature joining forces to turn me into she-hulk for next few days if you know what I mean. Just in time for camping on Tuesday, lucky me! I am so glad I have 2 weeks off from work though and I was very honest with work, I told them I was burnt out and I needed some time to focus on my mental health and physical health. The response was amazing and they thanked me for being so honest. Sometimes taking risks work out and I know not every job will do that but that is why it is called a risk and for my mental health I had to take that risk.
So this week I have been focusing on me, myself and I. As I stated in my first post of who the fuck am I? We can lose who we are in our mental illness and that’s a horrible feeling to have of not recognizing who you are.
Who the fuck am I? Part 3…
I am fucking hilarious! No, I am deadly serious I honestly do think I am funny. I would say my sense of humor is quite dry and sarcastic, most people might say it is a typical English type of sense of humor. Yes before you ask I do laugh at my own jokes and what is wrong with that!
I know my sense of humor is something I inherited from my dad but that did come with some bad habits attached. I will use humor a lot to deflect an emotional situation. My role in a circle of friends always seems to be the funny one, the girl who can make people laugh and that got me friend zoned a lot with boys when I was younger, they didn’t want to be in a relationship with the chubby funny girl, just friends! So when guys did get interested I really didn’t know how to deal with it.
My humor came part of my shield, I am first to make a joke about myself so I don’t have to hear it from someone else, kind of beat them to the punch situation. But being the clown can be a double edged sword, as people start to think; well she won’t have a problem if I poke fun a bit as she can take a joke. Nope sorry I am one sensitive clown.
Yes, it is a good thing to have a sense of humor and to be able to see the funny side of life, it can also lead down a very slippery slope and hiding behind your humor and not facing things head on.
Take care all
Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. So it looks the low mood cycle storm is clearing and just in time for camping next week. I can for the light shining through the clouds casting my face with such a happy glow. I made it through another storm to see the sunrise, but I cannot take all the credit because the support from the community on here and on my social media has been fucking amazing. I have had some real fucking awful lows these past few weeks and to have people reach out to support me, to help me back up when I have been knocked down has left a massive imprint on my heart I will never ever forget, thank you. Wow, even thinking about it has made me emotional and I think that is because I had lost hope in humanity a while ago and it has only been this past year I have been able to reopen my heart again to others and to bring back that hope again. So it is true when they say a little kindness can go a long way. I am not alone anymore and words cannot describe how amazing that feels. My heart has taken a lot of damage over the years and now I feel like it is finally starting to heal.
Ok, now I feel like I am emotional rambling but I just can’t help it! So like I said in my last blog post I am doing a bit of a theme of a theme right now and that is who the fuck am I? In my last post, I talked about my bitchy side and how that side is good and bad. Now, are you ready for part 2!
Who the fuck am I?
There is one thing that I am called by nearly everyone in my life and that is stubborn! I am one of those people who if you were showing me how to do something that would take less time and make it easier on me I would be too stubborn to do it that way. I also can really hold on to a fucking grudge. Again being stubborn is a good and bad quality to have. Being stubborn can mean no matter how low I feel and no matter how much anxiety is telling me I am going to fail my stubbornness will push me forward and tell anxiety to fuck itself you don’t control me. I can be so determined when I am stubborn and it has made me achieve a lot of things.
On the other hand, it has caused me to hold on to grudges, which has given me such a heavy heart at times. Being stubborn has also caused me to lie and be set in my ways because I have been too stubborn to ask for guidance or help in the past.
Being stubborn is like flipping a coin to make a decision at times and sometimes the coin toss doesn’t always end up in my favor. I can’t just turn it off unfortunately but I can learn to admit when I am wrong when being stubborn wasn’t the best way to go.
Take care all
Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. So the low mood cycle storm is still raging on but I am ok, I have had my good days and my bad days, I am just taking each day as it comes. I am at that stage where I know how sensitive I am to the things around and I am fine-tuning my reactions to these situations. I am learning more and more with each storm and I have learned this time around no matter how out of control of my mind I feel I can rein those emotions from time to time. Basically, I am can stop myself sometimes from being a raging bitch to the people around me.
This week and last week have been hard for many reasons, even though I said I would try to not go into much detail about my personal life in fear of the backlash the backlash still happened. I felt like my happy place aka my blog was tainted and used against me and even though yes I can admit there have been some wrongdoing on my end, I feel like the bigger picture is not being seen.
There is one thing with me I can forgive but I can’t forget and I will no longer be used as a scapegoat for other people’s wrongdoings and all you are doing is hating me for being who I am.
Anyway mini rant over with, time to rein in that inner bitch. This week I am going to do a bit of a theme with my blog posts. I have realized more and more I have lost who I am, the good and the bad parts have mixed together and turned into this big blurred mess and that gives me frightening thoughts of I am never going to feel myself again.
So this week is all about who I am and I will be focusing on different parts of me and also what I can learn from rediscovering those parts.
Who the fuck am I?
Today I am going to talk about the part of me, which I call my bitchy I don’t give a fuck side. This part of me I would say does belong in the middle of good and bad because it can have both parts. There are times when the bitch side can get irritated by the smallest thing and can cause me to blow my fuse rather quickly. Also, this side can be the side that will never fall in line and I can speak up for myself with a lot more ease when the bitch takes over.
Even though this side has probably has caused me to get into trouble from time to time, because I seem to get world vomit with the bitch side of me, it has also been the side that picked me up when I have knocked down. I feel this side comes out more during a low cycle as a defense mechanism and I learning to rein that in like I said before.
So to conclude, who am I? Well, I am a bit of a bitch!
Take care all