There is no reset button

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. My weekend bubble is about to burst and it will be Monday before we know it, I know that nearly every week I complain about this and every week a get on with things and go to work and do the “normal” things. The thing is that I am honestly starting to think that it is just a matter of time before I stick up my fingers to another job. I just think the more cycles I go through the more I am slowly starting to lose touch with reality, because if I can lose myself, I can lose my place in this world, can’t I?
Well, that is what is on my mind, as you can tell, it is not butterflies and rainbows or even a big stormy mess, more like a jigsaw that is being put together but some of the pieces are lost. This means I just have to dig down deep gather my strength and carry on until I do find those lost jigsaw pieces.

This leads me on to my tip of the day – There is no reset button.

If I was honest with myself and with you all I, I think about suicide a lot, it crosses my mind more often than I would like. Sometimes it is because I want to fade into the darkness other times is because I just want to reset this all in hope things would be different.
But life doesn’t come with a reset button.
We can’t rewind the past and we can’t fast forward to the future we can only live here is the present and yeah sometimes it is fucking hard and sometimes it is fucking great. At the end of the day we have only one button in life and that is play.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Think about that

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. The weekend will be over in a couple of hours and I am again already feeling slight anxiety for Monday morning, I hate leaving my bubble. I sometimes wonder in my pajamas cuddle each other because they miss me as much as I miss them. It’s especially difficult considering how next weekend I won’t be in my bubble at all as I am off on a camping weekend but I am looking forward to a few days unplugged from the world with my partner and amazing friends.
Well, my mood overall has been good, no storm on the horizon but still have that ache in my heart that I can’t seem to shake off.
Every song I listen to the lyrics speaks to that ache. I was getting ready to go out Saturday afternoon when a song came on my playlist and it just knocked me down. I was overcome with so many emotions: anger, sadness, hurt and before I knew it I was writing along to the song. I was finally getting off my chest some of the things I have wanted to say to certain people.

So thank you Jessie J for the song; “Think about that” it has truly helped me find a way of unlocking some of the pain. Link for the song found below, I hope you find it as inspiring as I did to write your own “think about that”. See it as writing a letter to the people who have wronged you and caused you pain that has imprinted on your life.

Tip of the day – Think about that

Think about the times you made me out to be the bad one, the liar
Think about the times you faked it to the world
Painted this perfect picture, but it was far from it

Think about the times you blamed me
Think about the times you left me out in the cold
One by one you have turned on us all
Think about that

Was it all worth it?
The lies on top of lies
Think about that

Think about the times you told me I was not good enough
Think about the times I came to you for help
Told you my mind was against me
Only to be ignored
Think about that

When you needed me I was there
Through it all I was there
Think about the fact this family has been destroyed
That’s what happens when you build a life on lies

Think about how you chose not to listen
Think about how you put your own needs before us
You knew you could lose us
Now what do you have
Nothing
Think about that.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

What I have learned in 365 days

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well, guess who has been blogging for nearly a year! Since my first post on here on the 25th of April 2017 I haven’t looked back. This is probably, no actually the best decision I have ever made during a manic episode. Even after my very first post, the pure relief I felt was magical and over time this blog has turned into my happy place.
Over these last 365 days my blog has changed along with me and through the darkest of storms and the brightest of days, it’s been there like a best friend supporting me through it all.

So what I have learned in 365 days

I am not alone, the people I have connected with on here have been amazing to me that I can’t really find the right words to describe my gratitude. The support from other bloggers has turned this once lonely girl who felt so misunderstood into someone who feels like they have a place in this world, at last.
More needs to be done. As well as feeling like I am not so alone in this world, I also have learned through this journey that not only do I have a lot to learn about my own mental illness but so does the rest of the world. There is still a lot of stigma out there and the funding and support from local governments is lacking and even though a lot of people are getting the help they need a lot of people still aren’t.
Strength can be silent; many of us don’t see the times where we show bravery. Strength is speaking up about your mental health, strength is never giving up during the dark days, strength is learning to take a break when you need one from life and focusing on self-care.
Most importantly I may not think this all the time but I have been thinking this more and more since I started the blog, things will be okay. I have such hope not only for myself but for others out there too battling with their minds that one day we will find peace in this world.

Thank you again to all who have supported me through this last 365 days.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

I’m falling…

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Hey everyone

The title speaks for itself really, I am snowballing mentally right now and I can’t seem to get a grip anything to stop myself. Instead of my usual motivating speech, I thought I would just get straight to the point, right now I need to get down what I feel because if I don’t I am going to fall deeper into this black hole. So by me writing this down maybe I can throw myself a lifeline something to hold onto, to stop the fall…

But do I do it as a letter, do I do it as a load of word vomit or do I do a dear diary, I am not sure how to put this. Decisions decisions oh we all know how good at these I am (not).
Well, I just let my pen hit the paper and waited to see what came out and it was a letter, a letter to my mind…

Dear mind/me I (this is weird)

I am so sorry I am losing you right now. I have lost control of you to the dark cloud of depression and the bitch of anxiety. You currently feel abandoned left alone to be tortured by them, with their crawl games and tricks. I hate the fact I can’t seem to get to you and just be able to reach out and tell you it’s going to be ok as you feel just out of my reach.
I know you hate being lost in the darkness with the thoughts of suicide, self-harm, and self-hatred being your only company, once you I am strong enough I will get you back. I want to make you laugh again with one of our inside jokes, like the one about the way think our Alexa secretly hates us so we give her impossible questions to answer.
There are times where I think you can do much better than me as I am such a basket case but then so are you well actually we are the same person so its kind of a package deal. I am sorry for all the lies I made you believe I am sorry for losing you.
Mind of mine I will always follow you into the darkness and will fight with every part of me to bring you back to the light, I will make us whole again.
This is the part where you normally say bye in a letter but I can’t exactly say bye to my own mind can I?

Anyway, thank you for reading my very bizarre letter.

 

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

You Fucking Matter!

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My tiny victories list

Hey everyone

Do you think if I created a petition or a fundme page I could get an extra day added to the weekend? They say anything is possible if you just believe, right? Well while I put that idea on the back burner for a rainy day lets move on.
I have done my Sunday night ritual I have written my tiny victories list to give me my boost for tomorrow morning while I am trying to drag my sleepy butt out of bed to make my morning cuppa. As we all know Monday mornings are always the hardest to get up for, mental illness or not, finding that drive to start another working week is fucking difficult. It is in there you just have to dig deep, past the anxiety past the depression to a little place called hope.

So today’s post I decided to I wanted to somehow get across an important message to you all, something that I try to remember during the bad days and the good days.

Today’s tip of the day – you fucking matter!

Whether you in the middle of a dark storm and can’t see the light or you are feeling balanced and the storm is in the rearview mirror, you fucking matter!
I have to keep that phrase running through my head on a daily basis as the dark cloud of depression and the bitch of anxiety try to drown it out.
Even if you have spent a day in bed hiding away from the world, you have got through that day and that is a victory and you fucking matter. If you have spent the day hiding your pain behind a smile and crying till you have no tears left, you fucking matter.
There are billions of people in the world and it is so easy to get lost in this world these days, but lost doesn’t mean forgotten it just means maybe you need to ask for directions. Back to a place where you’re not just holding on anymore but walking along your path with your head held high.

Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Inspirational Women’s Day

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Rachel Bloom

Hey everyone

So its international women’s day and I thought I would get in touch with my feminine side…Actually, I not happy with my feminine side at the moment because I decided to treat myself the other day in some new face products. I got some new foundation and face wash and guess what I had a bad reaction to it and ended up with a really bad allergic reaction to them. So now I am dealing with a red puffy face thanks to my feminine side. Also, I have full-blown winter legs (you ladies know what I mean) so I think that ship has sailed on the feminine side for the moment.

There are a quite a few women I look up too but today I thought I would write a one particular that has recently influenced me. So lets set the scene, a few weeks ago I had nothing to watch and was browsing on Netflix and came across on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I had heard of the show before and I heard it was supposed to be good, within 10 minutes I was literally like where has this show been all my life! Singing ✔ comedy ✔ mental illness ✔ Even my partner was like how have you not watched this before it is so you, all I could do was nod as I was just sucked in. Now fast forward a few weeks I have watched all three season and listened to the soundtrack repeatedly. I have to bow down to the co-writer and star of the show Rachel Bloom I have laughed and cried through the seasons and I have never ever related to a show so much in my life.
So this is for you Rachel Bloom, your pure honesty in what it is like to be a woman but a woman who deals with mental illness has inspired me greatly. Your battle with mental illness really shows shines through in your amazing writing and thank you for bringing light to subjects of body positivity, mental illness and life in general in such a clever way.

If you haven’t watched crazy ex-girlfriend, do it! Get on to Netflix and scroll down until you find it as you won’t regret it!

If you are still not convinced, have you ever:
• Obsessed with someone
• Dealt with mental illness
• Social media stalked someone
• Tried too hard to fit in
• Made some unhealthy bad life choices

Even if you have only answered yes to one of these you will still love this show!

Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx

what I have learned in 29 years…

 

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Hey everyone

It’s here my birthday, I don’t know how I got to this point, twenty fucking nine, wow! I would have thought by now I would have thought by now I would feel slightly more grown up. I am still scared of the dark and watch cartoons on a Sunday morning in my pajamas. They say don’t grow up it is a trap, well I won’t need to worry about that as I don’t’ see it happening anytime soon.

I was originally going to write a list of the 29 things I have learned so far in life but come on that post would have gone on forever and I don’t even know if I have learned that many things. Instead here are the 3 things I have learned in the last 29 years:

1. Blood is not thicker than water.
The whole family is everything is bullshit to me; you don’t have to be related to someone just to have a close bond. People who are related to you by blood are more than capable of hurting you as much as someone who isn’t. So break the rules family is not blood, a family are people who care and love each other and are there for each other through good times and bad times, they don’t have to be blood.
2. Loving yourself is not easy but possible.
We are surrounded by a lot of things today that are trying to convince us that we are not good enough, fit enough, rich enough and so on and so on. The negativity in the world mixed with our sensitive minds can cause a serious mental issue. Loving yourself for you is not easy and takes time and care in oneself to achieve that. So remember if you lost those 10 pounds are you truly going to be happy, if you buy that item of clothing that you don’t like but its fashionable are you truly going to be happy.
3. Forgive
Forgiveness is a hard thing it doesn’t come easy, I am guilty of holding onto grudges and gripes not only with people but also with myself. Well, you know what let’s take a leaf out of frozen and let it go! If we don’t learn to forgive then we are forever going to plague ourselves with that pain over and over again.

 

Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx