Sorry, not sorry!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well I am still a big ball of sweat right now and I also have the weirdest tan, 2 inches of my ankles and my arms and face, thanks work uniform! I wish they came up with an opposite version of a hot water bottle! I know there is icepacks but I can’t cuddle an icepack, hmm maybe I can fill my hot water bottle with ice water? Worth a try!
I am on a winning streak right now with my mental health, I have never felt myself for such a long period of time in such a length of time. I feel like I have battled my demons and they have fucked off to lick their wounds from their ass kicking. I know I am probably tempting fate right now as this could rapidly change and bite me in the ass, but I can’t help it I haven’t felt this good in such a long time I want to shout it from the rooftop.
Unfortunately, I can’t shout it from the rooftop I can only whisper, which isn’t fucking fair. Even though I am a lot more open with my mental health struggles on here and a select few people in my life, I am not able to be fully open. Which leads me on to my tip of the day…

Sorry, not sorry!

I am so fucking proud of the progress I have made with my mental health and with my blog; I never thought I would get to this point, ever. I have my happy place and I will never let anyone take that away from me.
The other day I was messaged on Twitter form a girl who was struggling with her mental health and telling the people around her, I didn’t know how to answer her, as some of the people in my life didn’t take it well. Also, another blog site approached me about reposting one of my posts, I was overcome with such pride and joy. I asked my partner about sharing this news on Facebook, finally come out to everyone I know about my blog and he said no don’t open that can of worms again. Basically, I told my parents about my blog not long after I started and asked them to read it, well let’s just say it didn’t go down well. I was told to take it down, they were not happy and ever since then I haven’t gone into too much detail on here because of them, I know they don’t read it but I didn’t want to risk the backlash.
Well, fuck that!
Am I sorry that my words caused pain? Yes, but not sorry that I am sharing my story to help others as well as myself.
Telling the people in your life is one of the hardest things you can go through and there is always a risk it won’t go down well but if those people can’t accept you for who you are, then its time for a sorry not sorry! Sorry they feel like that but not sorry for who you are, don’t edit yourself to fit what others think you should be.

 

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

When your mind has too many fucking tabs open…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Today was a good day and I have been pretty good most of this week and what I was unaware of was the bitch of anxiety was hiding around the corner, tonight I have had a massive anxiety attack this is why this blog post is later than planned. I have had a massive anxiety attack this evening triggered by something so small to the outside world but to me, it wasn’t. The thoughts of self-harm and despair and hopelessness have soon washed away the feelings of hope and joy.
FUCK!!!!! I really don’t want to do battle with the bitch of anxiety I am so tired and I really don’t like my mind right now. What is wrong with me why can’t I just function for just one day?
I am tired of dealing with anxiety and I am tired of moaning about it I feel like a broken record that just keeps playing the same song over and over again. I want a new song I want a song that will make me dance like no one is watching, is that too much to ask?

So my tip of the day is – When your mind has too many fucking tabs open…

What I write is not pretty but it is always pure, it comes from my raw feelings and I have to do it this way becaUse I want to put across my journey with mental health as accurate as possible.

I know I am vulnerable right now and have started slipping down that slope towards a depression cycle and it scares the shit out of me but I won’t go down without a fight I will dig my heels in and hold on tight. That bitch of anxiety has texted her good friend depression to pop on over for a visit without my permission, told you she was a bitch. It feels like my mind has too many tabs open and I am trying to think about all things at once and when I think I have closed a tab anxiety opens another, no I don’t want to look at things I can’t afford anxiety and I definitely don’t want to look at videos of my top 10 embarrassing moments. Anxiety likes to prey on you when you feel you have lost control of a situation no matter how small it may be.
I know I am not the only one out there dealing with this right now so that is why I urge you to hold on tight please I know it hurts and I know you are tired I am too, but the stars are still there behind the dark cloud you will see them again.
Put your self-care into action get your mental health toolbox out and fucking show those demons who is boss.

We all fall down
We live somehow
We learn what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger

 Sharp edges – Linkin Park

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Never fall in line!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I know I have not been as present on here like I usually I am, the reason behind that is I have been dealing with a manic cycle. I have used a lot of energy to try to keep myself grounded, which took up a lot of my time. Now that whirlwind seems to behind me I can focus on things again, during my manic cycle my concentration and focus is flying in all different directions so it is quite hard to keep it pointing in one direction.
I am exhausted though, after feeling like my mind was trying to pull me in so many directions I feel like I could sleep for a month at least. On a good note though I feel after this whirlwind of a cycle my feet have landed firmly on the ground, reading to start walking again on my path. I have never felt myself this soon after a cycle and I am ready to fight, fight this crazy thing could life.
If you haven’t noticed but no Sunday moaning today, that’s because I get to stay in my bubble one more day as tomorrow is a bank holiday, bonus pajama day whoop!

So my tip of the day – Never fall in line!

With today’s society, it is easy to find something or someone who criticizes who we are and tries to tell us who we should be. We can’t escape what is so accessible with just a touch of a button.
Girls should like pink and should want to be a princess and should wait for their prince charming. Boys should like blue and go find a princess to rescue, people with mental illness should look crazy, firstly how do even fucking do that! Go round licking windows?? Wear a straight jacket?? We should do this diet or that diet where you only eat dust.
“You are not married or have kids yet, there must be something wrong with you?” Oh, fuck off! For a world that is so advanced in so many ways, we are still so backward. No one has the right to tell you how to live your life.If you want to run around in a tutu sprinkling glitter on strangers, you do you, never fall in line. I should be able to write without fear or judgment, but with every blog post, there is a part of me waiting for a troll to criticize my words, my content and my grammar.
Well for future haters I will never fall in line.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

I am not afraid anymore…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. It has been a few days since I have posted because I have been getting my shit together, I am been getting my life in order, well improving it from chaos to organized chaos. I realize now I was in a bit of a slump of self-pity, adding baggage to the already overflowing baggage I have been carrying around me for years.
They say that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can rebuild again, well I decided I didn’t want to put myself at risk of going to that place, I needed to rebuild now. So I am wiping away the cobwebs, no I am setting that self-pity wheel in flames and letting the beauty come out of the ashes.

My tip of the day – I am not afraid anymore…

Sometimes we need to look our demons in the eye and say I am not afraid anymore. Well, I am not saying we have actual scary looking beasts chained to us following us around everywhere we go, because wow that would be scary!
I am saying that we can tell those pesky demons like:

• Anxiety
• PTSD
• Depression
• Bipolar
• Flashbacks
• Stigma

Whatever you have following you round in your life, you can show you are no longer afraid by the actions you decide to take. Whether it is talking to that shop assistant about returning your item you are telling your anxiety “fuck you”, by you getting up, showering and getting dressed you are telling your depression “fuck you”, by sharing your story you are telling stigma “fuck you”. No matter how small your first step is it is a massive “fuck you” to that demon dragging you down.

So I hope the rest of your week is full of fuck yous!

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

There is no reset button

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. My weekend bubble is about to burst and it will be Monday before we know it, I know that nearly every week I complain about this and every week a get on with things and go to work and do the “normal” things. The thing is that I am honestly starting to think that it is just a matter of time before I stick up my fingers to another job. I just think the more cycles I go through the more I am slowly starting to lose touch with reality, because if I can lose myself, I can lose my place in this world, can’t I?
Well, that is what is on my mind, as you can tell, it is not butterflies and rainbows or even a big stormy mess, more like a jigsaw that is being put together but some of the pieces are lost. This means I just have to dig down deep gather my strength and carry on until I do find those lost jigsaw pieces.

This leads me on to my tip of the day – There is no reset button.

If I was honest with myself and with you all I, I think about suicide a lot, it crosses my mind more often than I would like. Sometimes it is because I want to fade into the darkness other times is because I just want to reset this all in hope things would be different.
But life doesn’t come with a reset button.
We can’t rewind the past and we can’t fast forward to the future we can only live here is the present and yeah sometimes it is fucking hard and sometimes it is fucking great. At the end of the day we have only one button in life and that is play.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Think about that

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. The weekend will be over in a couple of hours and I am again already feeling slight anxiety for Monday morning, I hate leaving my bubble. I sometimes wonder in my pajamas cuddle each other because they miss me as much as I miss them. It’s especially difficult considering how next weekend I won’t be in my bubble at all as I am off on a camping weekend but I am looking forward to a few days unplugged from the world with my partner and amazing friends.
Well, my mood overall has been good, no storm on the horizon but still have that ache in my heart that I can’t seem to shake off.
Every song I listen to the lyrics speaks to that ache. I was getting ready to go out Saturday afternoon when a song came on my playlist and it just knocked me down. I was overcome with so many emotions: anger, sadness, hurt and before I knew it I was writing along to the song. I was finally getting off my chest some of the things I have wanted to say to certain people.

So thank you Jessie J for the song; “Think about that” it has truly helped me find a way of unlocking some of the pain. Link for the song found below, I hope you find it as inspiring as I did to write your own “think about that”. See it as writing a letter to the people who have wronged you and caused you pain that has imprinted on your life.

Tip of the day – Think about that

Think about the times you made me out to be the bad one, the liar
Think about the times you faked it to the world
Painted this perfect picture, but it was far from it

Think about the times you blamed me
Think about the times you left me out in the cold
One by one you have turned on us all
Think about that

Was it all worth it?
The lies on top of lies
Think about that

Think about the times you told me I was not good enough
Think about the times I came to you for help
Told you my mind was against me
Only to be ignored
Think about that

When you needed me I was there
Through it all I was there
Think about the fact this family has been destroyed
That’s what happens when you build a life on lies

Think about how you chose not to listen
Think about how you put your own needs before us
You knew you could lose us
Now what do you have
Nothing
Think about that.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

What I have learned in 365 days

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well, guess who has been blogging for nearly a year! Since my first post on here on the 25th of April 2017 I haven’t looked back. This is probably, no actually the best decision I have ever made during a manic episode. Even after my very first post, the pure relief I felt was magical and over time this blog has turned into my happy place.
Over these last 365 days my blog has changed along with me and through the darkest of storms and the brightest of days, it’s been there like a best friend supporting me through it all.

So what I have learned in 365 days

I am not alone, the people I have connected with on here have been amazing to me that I can’t really find the right words to describe my gratitude. The support from other bloggers has turned this once lonely girl who felt so misunderstood into someone who feels like they have a place in this world, at last.
More needs to be done. As well as feeling like I am not so alone in this world, I also have learned through this journey that not only do I have a lot to learn about my own mental illness but so does the rest of the world. There is still a lot of stigma out there and the funding and support from local governments is lacking and even though a lot of people are getting the help they need a lot of people still aren’t.
Strength can be silent; many of us don’t see the times where we show bravery. Strength is speaking up about your mental health, strength is never giving up during the dark days, strength is learning to take a break when you need one from life and focusing on self-care.
Most importantly I may not think this all the time but I have been thinking this more and more since I started the blog, things will be okay. I have such hope not only for myself but for others out there too battling with their minds that one day we will find peace in this world.

Thank you again to all who have supported me through this last 365 days.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx