I have issues and you have them too!

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Hey everyone

Sunday fucking night how did we get here? I don’t want to wear clothes again thank you, I want to stay in my pj’s wrapped in my blanket drinking my body weight in tea (and that is a lot of tea) for one more day maybe two, please. Well if that wish doesn’t come true I guess I have to get myself ready to go back into the outside world tomorrow whoop-dee-frickin’-doo!
Sure I could be positive, I could get myself mentally ready, have a bath with some candles, I could if I wanted to but I don’t! I am going to write this post and make myself another tea and watch a film and do my tiny victories list for the weekend.
That’s the thing with recovery and improving oneself you have to want to do it not just do it for the sake of it as what would be the point in doing something that your heart is not in. So don’t feel bad that if you are not doing something positive and motivational, you’re not a greeting card, you’re a human!

Tip of the day – I have issues and you have them too!

It is so easy to fall into that trap of projecting that image of “yay I have a mental illness but look how positive I am”. Come on be realistic no one’s life is all peace and light. Just look at some of my issues:
• I can go months without shaving my legs because honestly, I don’t care I wear jeans anyway.
• I cry at silly things like losing a pen.
• Not only do I have daddy issues I have mommy issues too.
• I am a 29-year-old still scared of the dark and still sleep with a light on if I am alone.
• I eat my feelings a lot.
• My social skills are laughable.

I could go on, trust me, but what I am trying to say is that it is ok! Just have a day off or two from doing everything to motivate yourself. How about just recharging your motivational battery instead of crashing when it runs out.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Lessons Are Not Just For School

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Hey everyone

How is everyone doing? I hope you all are feeling ok and if you are not remember it is ok not to be ok. I know how easy it is to smile your way through shit times but I have learned eventually the mask will slip. Here we are edging close to Christmas and a new year, how are we close to the end of 2017? These last few years the negative aspects have really overshadowed the good, but I know there have been some good things happen to me so every cloud.

Which brings to something I have finally learned this week, after years and years of repeating the same mistake over and over again. Yes, I am high fiving myself right now I deserve it! As this is something i can lose sleep over and send myself into such a dark self hating place, but no more.

I am about to kill some with kindness, shake it off, let it go and I am sorry, not sorry! I have a deep fear of people walking away from me, which has meant I have left myself open to hurt and being in toxic relationships, basically a bit of a doormat. Which shocks me because I am a strong-minded person. My kryptonite is friends I have always struggled holding on to them and I have been treated appallingly in the past due to my people-pleasing nature.

I have learned the hard way and I realize now I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity as well as love and care. I have said this so many times I overthink everything, I just can’t help myself and it is like second nature to me. I sometimes have to tell my partner what I am thinking to help me understand whether that opinion is valid or just my mind making up shit. It is so refreshing to hear from his point of view as he thinks so different to me.

But there has been one thing we have both agreed on recently and for once I know 100% and he agrees I am not overthinking this situation. I am not going to go into too much detail out of respect, as this has to do with someone in my life now. This person has clearly got a problem with me and refuses to express so but instead has shown petty behavior. Well, I don’t play these mean girl games, and instead of doing everything in my power to smother said person with affection to put myself back in their good graces, I am not sweating the small stuff.

I am just going to let it go I am not even going to bother reaching out and asking what I have apparently done wrong. I do want to say thank you to this person; you have helped me see my inner strength and how much I have grown. I am so proud of myself at times like these I see such a difference in me and I know I on the right path mentally.

Thank you for listening all.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

Fertility And Me

 

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Hey everyone,

So I got tagged in a great post a few days ago by the lovely Post IVF world . Please check out the post, it is fantastic and a great insight into someone who really is a real fertility warrior. So, on her blog she has posted someone questions for people to answer, which she has answered herself.

I wanted to dedicate a post to my answers to her questions, as I believe that it is important to keep spreading awareness for those struggling with fertility issues.

So here it goes…

Are you male or female?
Female
Where are you in your infertility journey?
I am currently doing more and more research into my condition, and I due to a miscarriage last year I have now started my journey with doctors in investigating my chances of conceiving naturally and how to improve my chances.
What is your infertility diagnosis if you have one?
I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome suffered a burst ectopic pregnancy which meant I had a to have a fallopian tube removed.
How old were you when you got your diagnosis and how old are you now?
I was 17 when I finally got my diagnosis, after many years of begging the doctors for help.
What do you do to keep your spirit’s up on the tough days?
I have to say my blog has been a massive help recently in keeping up my spirits lately. Also going to sound stupid but I have had a reading with a psychic which really helped me, I don’t care if people think that stuff is a load of rubbish what was said to me was 37ce6ebc806a17d92e4db0b3665a2229--infertility-quotes-pcos-infertility.jpgnot. I also have 3 beautiful nephews and friends with children who I consider my nieces and nephew.
How do you feel you have been treated by medical professionals?
Awfully I haven’t had any help really until recently when I asked for help with checking my chances in conceiving, that’s only one symptom of many I have. I have been told I am fat and looked down by doctors most of the information I now know about PCOS I have learned from my own research.
Have you been offered support of any kind?
None what so ever, and as a confused 17 years old that has had some damaging effects.
If so have you had any?
I have had therapy where I have talked about my fertility problems as well as my mental health.
How do your issues affect you on a day to day basis?
There are many symptoms of PCOS, weight gain, mental health, pain, tiredness, hair loss are the main ones. I deal with every single one of these on a daily basis.
If you could tell yourself something back when you were first diagnosed what would it be?
Don’t take no for an answer, make them help you understand your condition.

Where those were my answers, to those fertility warriors out there, have a go at these questions and see if it will help you understand where you are now with your fertility and where you want to be.

Take care

Vixxy Rose

xxx

This Is Me

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Hey everyone!

Going to keep this short and I sweet 🙂 I have been blogging for a few months now and I can say hand on heart it has changed me for the good. But there have been aspects of the increased time I have spent on social media, I have not enjoyed. The pressure of staying relevant and communicating with people as much as you can is crazy! Why are we doing this to ourselves? That’s an anxiety trigger right there, I have left work feeling guilty because I can not interact with people as much as I used to and having FOMO (fear of missing out) this needs to stop, started this to get better, not worse. Also the pressure to have the perfect pictures the right set up was starting to get to me, the follow trains, the need for validation, the people who follow then unfollow you just to get your follow wtf!!
All these factors were getting me to the point where my head was going to explode and for the last week or so my social media felt more like a chore than me doing it for fun and to raise awareness.
Before people think this is a dig at people who do these it is not, go you for being good at something that I cannot keep up with. Some people blogging and social media it is a job or working towards making it a career if you are one of those people I high-five you as your commitment and talent are inspiring. I just cannot do what you do and that is ok too.
So I am going to be more careful now with not getting obsessed with numbers and likes and the need to post for the sake of post I am just going to be me.

This is me!

No make-up no giving a fuck! This is me, frizzy hair, freckles, and eyebrows not on fleek. Bags under my eyes due to lack of sleep, hair thinning due to having PCOS. Chubby cheeks because I enjoy food, hair a mix match of colour’s as I like it. I have anxiety, cyclothymia and PCOS. img_0813My blog posts and twitter posts can be full of grammar and spelling mistakes. I have stretch marks and extra pounds in many places, I laugh at my own jokes, I can be a drama queen but I don’t fit in no damn box as this is me just with added extras!.
Take care all,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Food Not So Glorious Food

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone had a great weekend! Firstly thank you to everyone who follows my little blog, I hit 200 followers over the weekend, it means the world to me that people take such an interest in my crazy little things! 🙂

Even though this weekend wasn’t good or bad, I had really bad case of anxiety on Friday, which has triggered a low mood. I am now in a place where I am over thinking everything and it is hard to grab hold of the runaway train. So thank you bitch of anxiety for raining on my parade. Sometimes my low moods actually have a theme and unfortunately, this low mood seems to be focusing on my physical appearance, (insert eye roll). This is a hard subject for me, as it is something I am aware of but something I kind of don’t do anything about.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and probably have for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, I do not see it changing for a long time as I think it is so second nature to me and I don’t know any different. I have spoken to my therapist once about it at the beginning; it’s now though a subject I avoid to talk about at all costs. I am the type of person you can call stupid or a bitch or rude but mention anything and I mean anything at all related to my size or food and it is like a stab to the heart, I just can not handle it. Even if it’s a compliment like “ oh you look like you have lost some weight” my mind automatically goes well that person thought you were fat you know that right. (Why oh why is my mind against me).
I know the start of my unhealthy relationship is when I was younger and I was criticised constantly by my parents about my size and what I ate, but why doesn’t there seem an ending to the relationship. I have been on and off diets for about 20 years now and still no smaller, I know I have PCOS which is a contributor to it as it is harder for me to lose weight. But because of what went on when I was younger I know have little habits of when I eat things that are deemed as unhealthy, I hide the evidence down the sofa or under a chair. Yes, I know the best place would be in the trash, but in my head, someone will check there and know it was mine.
As a way of explaining and a way of me accepting I have a problem these are my food struggles:

• Hiding evidence of eating unhealthy food.
• Stress eating, no self-control due to the emotional connection with food.
• Struggle to eat in front of people.
• Can’t eat certain food, due to a phobia developed from being force-fed them.
• Sickness and shame nearly after every meal.
• Constant need to diet.

See guys and girls even though I think I can come across as someone who has a handle of things with their mental health issues, I still have struggles and flaws that I need to overcome. I am still a work in progress.

Take care all
Vixxy Rose
XXX

A Postive In A Negative

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Hey everyone 🙂

Hope everyone is having a great weekend 🙂 I am enjoying my weekend with my boyfriend and friends. Honestly, even though I still feel a bit low I won’t let it take my weekend away from me and my boyfriend, 5 years together wow! We don’t have the perfect relationship but we are just us. We are silly and childish and still have play fights where we pretend we are in a Bruce Lee movie. We can argue like cat and mouse, he is my best friend though, my pinky to my brain and I don’t think I would be where I am without him.

So I am going to keep this post short and sweet so I can carry on my lovely weekend with him 🙂
My tip of the day is………… STUBBORNNESS!

If this weekend has taught me anything, it is I am one stubborn human being. Yes, stubbornness can be a negative thing but sometimes we need to see the positive in a negative. I can get stuck in my ways, I can be childish when things don’t go my own way. It also means though I don’t give up.
I won’t let my Cyclothymia define me and destroy my life. Yes, there will be days where you don’t want to take part in life and just fade away alone, and I have them too. But it I won’t let my mental health condition take more away from me than what it already has. I will carry on living my life even when I don’t want to. I will keep raising awareness of mental health to help end the stigma so more people get help. I will keep being me because even though I have mental health illness I have achieved a lot in my life. Yes, I have PCOS but I will push forward with improving my fertility and my day-to-day life.

So be stubborn don’t let your condition define who you are as it’s just a part of who you are. Because everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not ok then it’s not the end.

Sorry for the short post I am off now to go carry on our anniversary celebrations, bowling and then back to the restaurant where we had our first date 🙂

Take care warriors

Vixxy Rose
xxx

PCOS And Me

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Hey everyone 🙂

I hope everyone is looking forward to the weekend I know I am! So I am currently coming out of a manic cycle to a depressive cycle and now I am feeling back to normal (well as normal as can be!). Like my moods, my life can be very up and down. I feel like I know what I want now (kind of); it has only taken me 28 years! This week has been a big week for me, I have accepted my diagnosis of having Cyclothymia, I have applied for my dream job and I have started the process with dealing with my PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). Also on top of that the normal day-to-day problems, bills, and relationships this is why I need a holiday!

I obviously blog a lot about mental health, there are many factors that influence mental health, lifestyle, the past, medical conditions etc. I posted before about PCOS, but since I am going through another stage with it at the moment I thought it was the time I talked about it a bit more. I know this condition has a big influence on my mental health due it being a hormone imbalance and it affects my everyday life and my future.

So in my post before about PCOS, I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 18/19 and I had known for a few years prior that something wasn’t right. Over the years I have learned to deal with it the best I can, sadly the help and support out there isn’t great for it, which is so infuriating. What people don’t understand it is not something that affects people with it once a month it is on going. The weight gain, the hair thinning the excess hair growth and the pain. Also, that is also linked with heart disease, diabetes, mental health, and infertility. Now tell me why this condition isn’t more looked into? Why isn’t there more help? Why is it when I go to the doctors they don’t want to know unless I am looking at trying for a baby, it’s not fair. I have lost count how many times a doctor has turned round and told me I’m over weight (dur I have a mirror), given me medication meant for people with diabetes, its soul-destroying that it feels like no one wants to help.
So it has come to a point where enough is enough, I am tired of periods that cause me to miss days off work because they are extremely painful, sucks the energy out of me and makes my life hell for 5 days. Also never knowing when they are going to happen, not exactly the surprise I want every month. I want to be able to go to the hairdressers more than 2/3 times a year because it causes me to have anxiety because of my hair thinning. It’s time to try to take back control!
Christmas last year was not full of joy for me sadly, me and my partner went through a miscarriage, with the awfulness of that situation wasn’t bad enough, my PCOS just got worse ever since, my weight has sky rocketed, my periods come and go as they please, it was the straw that broke the camels back.
So this last month or so I have done more research into PCOS, I have looked into the way I eat all I can say is thank you PINTEREST!!. I found so many articles about the low GI diet being a great diet for PCOS. I learned all about different food affect my hormone levels and insulin levels and I have started my journey with that diet. The worst part is no milk and cheese thinking about it makes me want to cry, it took me time to get used to almond milk in my tea. I will add some links at the end giving better information than what I could.
I am a big believer in natural medicine and I scoured the Internet for natural supplements to take and I have found a few things. I read up on castus tablets I saw a lot of good reviews on them helping fertility and balancing out hormones. Then I found MYOVA, finally something made for PCOS, the only thing out there that is. I haven’t tried them yet but I will be ordering them this month and I will do a post about them.
I have now been referred by my doctors to a fertility consultant. I went to my first appointment this week and it was amazing. They went through my blood tests with me and gave me some great advice about my diet. I have been booked in for some further blood tests and some scans on my ovaries and my one tube (I only have the one). I finally feel like a doctor is finally trying to help me, and I felt like a weight has been lifted.
PCOS has a big influence on my mental health, I have no confidence with the way I look due to my weight, I am petrified I won’t be able to have kids and it is something I think about on a daily basis and it really gets me down. But now I am on a journey with improving it and hopefully, I will see a positive effect on my body and my mind. I have linked my Pinterest to the page if you would like to have a look at what I have found.
Thank you again for reading 🙂

Vicky xxx

(THE LINKS)
https://pcos.com/vitex-and-pcos-a-remedy-for-pcos-symptoms/
https://www.myovacare.com
https://www.pcosdietsupport.com/pcos-symptoms/how-to-lose-weight-with-pcos/