Recognising your truth.

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well at the moment i feel like I am at the bottom of a dark well trying to figure out:
• How the hell did I get here?
• How long will I be here?
• How the fuck do I get out?

As my semicolon tattoo represents, my story isn’t over and it won’t end in this dark well. I have the strength within me to get through another low cycle and now I know what it is like on the other side, I am even more determined to dance in the rain. Even though there may be a million reasons to give up, we only need one reason not too.
On a positive note, I am going back to work tomorrow! My eye is not better, that is going to take months, I recognize I need a routine back. The more time I have off the more I feel I am going to deepen this dark well I am in and I need to keep away from the vicious cycles I easily can get caught up in. I have been honest with work and told them I am not 100% physically and mentally well but I still want to go back, because remember there is no such as perfect! So why ignore my mind telling me to go back that to me is a good sign, as I now realize I can’t stay in this comfort bubble forever, it is not good for me.

So my tip of the day is –

Recognising your truth.

There is one thing we all can be guilty of and that is lying whether it is about:
• How you are truly feeling,
• A situation that has happened
• To fit in
A lie seems like a good idea at the time as the truth can be a hard thing to face but eventually, that lie will catch up with you and then you feel even worse than you did when you told the lie. Some of us are better at lying than others and some of us can spend our whole life lying, but what type of life is that?
There comes a point where you start to believe in that lie yourself and that is not good for anyone’s mental state. As lying is good friends with the bitch of anxiety and when them two teem up it is not good, not good at all!
It may not easy but you have to rip the plaster off, yes the truth can fucking suck, but in the end, a lie is not worth the shit that comes along with it.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Perfection is a fucking myth!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well, I knew this crash down back to the dark place would be a hard one but fuck me this storm has really rocked me and it has only just begun.
*I just had to stop writing as it was getting hard to write through the tears, but I am back to finish what I started*
So yeah had a bit of an emotional breakdown, it felt like my heart was hurting so much I just couldn’t find a way to stop the pain, so many emotions so little space to contain them. Because it was such a hard fall back into this dark place and so fast, I felt I like I couldn’t catch my breath. I wasn’t ready to let go of the good feeling. I finally felt like I was making some progress and I was so desperately hanging on to it, as I wasn’t ready to let it go just yet. I have just spent the last over an hour crying and stopping myself from doing something destructive, fighting that urge to self is harm is so fucking hard but I just sat and cried while I stroked my semicolon tattoo and waited out the urge to decrease. Still self-harm free for 7 years! Fuck you bipolar and anxiety I won that battle!
I know what pushed me over the edge, no I know who pushed me over the edge and I know you are reading this so thanks for that! This is my happy place if you don’t like it then don’t read it as you will never take this away from me, ever!

An outburst over let’s move to my tip of the day –

Perfection is a fucking myth!

It is so easy when you are going through a positive point in your life that you can get so caught up and strive to reach perfection but sadly perfection is a myth and it is one of the bitch’s of anxiety favourite weapons to bring you down. Perfection seems like such a positive word and that can trick the best of us into thinking it is real.
Instead of going after a myth go after your dreams instead, set yourself goals daily, monthly or yearly, whatever works best for you. Use that energy that you use towards a myth towards something that can be achieved.
Tell anxiety and that dark cloud to stick to perfection where the sun doesn’t shine!
Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Not today anxiety, not today!

Anxiety-does-not-Quotes-by-Charles-Spurgeon-By-POPOPICS.jpgHey everyone,Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well, there is good news and bad news with my eye, I have a bad inflammation in the middle layer and have to be on steroid drops for the next few months and won’t know if any permanent damage until the inflammation has gone. But onwards and upwards as I am on the mend and that is the main thing,
The other good news is that even though the bitch of anxiety came out to play my mood deep too far for too long, I am proud of myself for this as I really do feel I have got good control of my bipolar right now.
This post may be a short one due to my eyes not being able to take the strain of the laptop for too long. I can’t give up my happy place in sickness or in health.
Thank you to everyone who has sent me such support over the last few days your strength has really pick me up from the edge of the dark fall.So my tip of the day is – Not today anxiety not today!Sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation, so instead of letting anxiety control my thought process with these little beauties:
• You’re so selfish for looking after yourself
• You’re weak
• You deserve this pain
I am taking the stance of my body needs to heal and my mind needs to be strong for this. When you can feel that bitch of anxiety knocking on your door, take a stance with your mind and kick-start that self-care. Write down the good parts of the day even if it just “ I got through today`”. The bitch of anxiety is waiting in the background for an opportunity to come in and when we are not well physically. that is a welcome sign. So don’t forget to take care of yourself mentally as well as physically when you are physically unwell, as mental health is health.Take care allVixxy rose
Xxx

It is worth fighting for!

NEVERGIVEUP02.jpgHey everyone,Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I am not ok and for once this is not down to my mental illness, this time it is down to my body that just keeps on fucking failing me. Come on isn’t this list long enough:
• Bipolar
• Anxiety
• PCOS
• Acid reflux disease NowI have to add on an eye inflammation disease, why can’t life stop throwing those damn lemons as I feel like I am drowning in lemons right now. I haven’t stopped crying since I got home learning there is a chance I might still lose the eyesight in my right eye, I just have to have hope I have caught it quick enough to reverse the damage.
I do feel this news will have a knock on effect to my good mood as I feel I have put out a welcome mat for anxiety and bipolar to cause some havoc. I just can’t catch a break! I am full of emotions right now; fear, anger, lost, broken, all the feelings have decided to have a catch up inside my mind right now. But 2 days ago I got my semicolon tattoo and maybe it was fate to have this reminder on my wrist that I can get through whatever life brings my way, I have done it before I can do it again. So my tip of the day – It is worth fighting for!Right now I am on the edge of falling down a rabbit hole of a deep depression, but I am digging in my heals and won’t fall without a fight. Even though you may feel you are being pushed down doesn’t mean you can’t push back, fight dirty if you must, as this is your life, not your mental illnesses’. This is your fucking life you sometimes have to bear arms and fight for it, so even if you fall you can hold your head up high and climb back up and look your mental illness in the eye and say “is that all you got!”
Because I guarantee I won’t go down without a fight and you can bet your ass if I fall I will get back up stronger and show my mental illness whose life this is.Take care all,Vixxy rose
Xxx

You are going to get wet when it is raining!

 

life-dancing-in-the-rain-quote-life-dancing-in-the-rain-quote-dancing-in-the-rain-quotes-tumblr.jpgHey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I am still feeling a bit under the weather but powering through it, as the weekend is around the corner and I got some things to do that are out of my comfort zone that I am determined to follow through with.
I really feel like a phoenix rising out of the ashes right now, I am feeling more comfortable with this calm part of me as days go by, I no longer feel like a stranger to myself. I have started to take steps in taking back my life again from my mental illness and I am getting stronger by the day I can feel it. So even though a storm will come my way again I am no longer afraid to get wet.

So this brings me to my tip of the day –

You are going to get wet when it is raining!

Have you noticed even with you have an umbrella there is still a part of you that gets wet whether it is your feet or face there is always a part. no matter how prepared we think we are when a storm comes our way there we will always get wet and that is ok. Because that storm will soon pass and that part will soon dry off.
With any type of mental illness, there will always be some damage from a storm but that damage is not always permanent, even if at the time it feels like it will be it. I know this because I have been there, where I thought that was it I am destined to be a bitter human being who causes nothing but misery to others and myself and I will always be unlovable. But you know what that part of me that was soaked by the rain is drying up and I don’t think that right now. I have not done a total 360 but maybe 180, instead of thinking I am unlovable I now think maybe I am not so unlovable.
We can’t expect not to get wet in the rain but maybe one day we can learn to dance in the rain knowing that we will eventually be dry again.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

It is never too late…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I have stopped counting the days of feeling good and free from the crazy that lives inside my mind, as it was starting to feel like a prison break and sooner or later the prison guards anxiety and bipolar was going to catch up with me. I shouldn’t be putting that pressure or that negativity on myself as I know I am not cured as there is no cure. I have to stay as grounded as much as I can because when anxiety and bipolar catches up with me again I don’t want it to be a hard long fall down.
Life is not always sunshine as there are storms inject our life’s with darkness but then there are the rainbow days when the two collide and can cause harmony again.
So as I am writing this I am not 100 percent not mentally physically this time as I think I am coming down with a bug so going to be a shorter post than usual.

So my tip of the day is – It is never too late

One of my favourite songs is never too late by Three Days Grace, the lyrics of this song are so powerful and I always just stop what I am doing when this song comes on, its full of pain and also full of hope. Just like me, I guess full of pain but there is hope that the darkest of days are behind me.

It is never too late to dust yourself off and start again, just because it is a Wednesday it doesn’t mean you have to wait till Monday to put changes into place, as all they are just names of the days, as the longer you wait the less likely you are going to do it.
Also, you are never too far down to pick yourself up it may be small steps but the steps will lead you to a better direction. It is so easy to put off your recovery and making changes that are out of your comfort zone it is so much easier to say in that bubble.
But guys we have a choice to stay and just survive in that bubble or it is never too late to get out that bubble and live your life.

Even if I say
It’ll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we’ll turn it all around
‘Cause it’s not too late
It’s never too late

Three Days Grace

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

All we are asking is for a little bit of fucking respect.

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well guess who’s out her Sunday bubble most the day, yeah you guessed it, me! I am getting better at leaving my comfort zone to do something I normally wouldn’t do and I think due to this break in the routine I am trying to do every now and then my mental health has come on leaps and bounds. I want my life back I can’t carry on living in fear of my mental illness and i am nearly fucking 30 years old and its time to live. The hard part was letting go of the anger and the shame of letting my mental illness take so much away from me over the years. I had to accept I couldn’t get that back it is in the past now it is now time for a new chapter in my life.
Acceptance is key in recovery:
• Accepting the mental illness
• Accepting you can’t change the past
• Accepting you must forgive yourself
• Accepting to move forward
• Accepting people around may not understand

 

The last one is a hard one to accept that the people around you may never understand or even accept your mental illness. Which leads me to my tip of the day….

All we are asking is for a little bit of fucking respect.

In the words of Aretha Franklin R-E-S-P-E-C-T is all we are asking for. Unless a person has walked in your shoes they can never understand what you are going through. I can never understand what a person who has BPD or autism or even diabetes because I can never walk in their shoes but I can respect what they go through, it is that simple.
Mental illness does not get the respect that it deserves just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it is not there because trust me the scars are there inside and out. Are we asking too much for people to respect us?
I don’t fucking think so! So just like the saying goes charity begins at home, so dies respect so instead of talking to the people around you until you are blue in the face to get them to understand. Just try to get them to respect your illness, and maybe that respect will spread and eventually the stigma attached to mental illness will be stamped out. One can hope!

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx