This week I have been dealing with a lot of negative thoughts but its during a time of my life where I feel things are slowly slotting into place and positive things are going on.
So, I thought I would share a small part of a journal I have written this week and I how I feel about it now.
Wednesday the 20th of november 2019.
I can’t help but think that every day is the same, I wake up to an overwhelming rush of negative thoughts, I shower, I eat breakfast and then I go to work. What people don’t realise is I am currently working two jobs at the same time. My normal 9 to 5 job and the job of keeping those thoughts at bay and stopping them from spilling out.
I can’t have them spill out, I can’t be that vulnerable because no one can handle that vulnerability. People just either don’t see me or they choose not to see me because it is easier than dealing with me and my shit.
I just don’t know how I am going to move forward, I can’t even cry over this anymore. I am not sleeping well because I know that I am going to start the cycle all over again when I wake up. The thing is, my life does have a lot of stuff going on, but it is both good and bad. I am not in a low mood but I am not in a manic mood either, I am just living my life.
So why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like my life is better off not existing? Then in the same breath, I know that I am happy and I know I have overcome a lot this year that I should be proud of. No, I am proud of. It is so confusing to know I am doing well but still have suicidal thoughts come flying in and making a mess of my mind. I just want peace, but I am starting to think that I am asking for the impossible. I am dealing with a sense of loneliness right now and my mind doesn’t know how to deal, which is making me feel disconnected to my life.
Re-reading my journal was hard but it has helped me see things that I didn’t see at that moment. What I can take from it all is I am sensitive when it comes to feeling ignored. I end up blaming myself, thinking I have done something to cause this or not doing something like I have shared too much or not enough.
So this week I am glad I took a step back from social media because having that need to feel noticed paired with social media doesn’t mix well at all. It is a quick fix for a long term problem.
This week I took my mask off, yes it was in private and in my journal but it allowed me to work through those feelings instead of letting them build up. I understand now what the root cause of this wave of negative thoughts. I felt triggered this week and there was a running theme during this journalling, feeling ignored.
It is important to know that it is not as simple as thinking positive and things will be positive. Mental illness or mental health issues don’t just go away because things are going right in a person’s life, it can still be there during the good days as much as it is there during the bad days.