So guess whos stubbornness led them to walk into not just one but two deep puddles that came up past their feet, yep that was me. My boyfriend told me not to walk my normal route home because of flooding, but I was like no it can’t be that bad he doesn’t know what he is talking about. Oh, I was wrong so wrong! It took a ruined pair of shoes to teach me that stubbornness can lead you down some very deep holes.
I got home in one piece though armed with chocolate, and after a long shower, the disappointment I was feeling, was soon washed away. I just can’t help myself it is not like I think I know it all, I struggle to put my faith in people and it is nothing to do with them, it is that little voice in my head.
That little voice.
We all hear that little negative voice throughout our lives. Some of us hear it more often then others and some of us are better at blocking it out than others. I am one of those people that struggle to ignore it and I hear it daily. That little voice can convince us to not only doubt ourselves but also other people too. Is that voice anxiety, depression, OCD, PTSD and so on? I think it is everything.
My therapist explained it to me like this, we all have three functional ego states.
Parent – behaviours, thoughts and feelings copied from parents or parental figures.
Adult – behaviours, thoughts and feelings which are direct responses to the here-and-now.
Child – behaviours, thoughts and feelings replayed from childhood.
Which are then split into:
Controlling Parent (CP) – criticizing, reprimanding, censoring, punishing, etc
Nurturing Parent (NP) – behaviours conveying acceptance, nurturing, caring.
Adult – behaviours responding to the here-and now logically and rationally.
Adapted Child (AC) – behaviours often replayed from childhood, that either comply or rebel to rules and expectations of parental figures.
Free Child (FC) – behaviours that express spontaneity, creativity and are independent from others’ expectations.
Some of us have a very overpowering controlling parent side, where we are so critical of ourselves and the world around us. It is so hard to break habits of a lifetime and to try and combat that critical side of us. It won’t happen overnight, it takes time to learn to nurture yourself and to tell that little voice to fuck off!
But like most things, it may be hard but doesn’t mean it is impossible.