This was my first full week of work in a long time, I never thought I would see this day again. If this week has shown me anything, it would be the small things really do make a big difference. I felt like a human again this week. It sounds silly to get teary about going to work for a whole week, but to me, it is such an achievement. Sarcoidosis, which is one of the conditions i have, took my life away from me for over a year I have felt trapped in my mind and body this year and I am now only just starting to break out of it.
Trapped inside a cage.
This drawing was inspired by something my therapist said in one of our sessions. My therapist noticed I speak about my mind and body like they are not a part of me, but instead, I see them as a cage I can’t get out of.
My mind can be too much for me at times, it can feel like it is a thunderstorm of negativety that I can’t find cover from, a whirlwind of anxiety I can’t run from and a mindfield of issues that trip me up. My mind is a place that has dragged me into some of my darkest moments.
My body is something that I looked at in disgust, I have felt constantly let down by it, both because of illness and appearance, has made me see my body as something I can’t accept. I have tried to fix it but I have felt unfixable for a long time.
I have felt trapped inside a cage of my own doing for a long time. My mind and body have always been the enemy to me, instead of a part of me, if that makes sense. I have made small steps this year to embrace my mind and body. I have made improvements in being kinder to myself and I hope there is more to come. Those small steps will one day break me out of the cage of my own doing and let me be free one day, not just free but whole again, and see beauty in the scars that are inside and out.