So I have just come back from unplugging from social media and my blog for a few days as I just needed that time in the real world where I wasn’t concerned about the online world. It has been a big couple of days, as my partner’s mom got married and I just wanted to live in the moment and experience it without thinking I should do a post or sharing this or that. The wedding day was amazing, and I am so happy for them both as they truly deserve all the love in the world. Even though there was a tiny hint of anxiety and a bit of a dress malfunction, I threw myself into the day as best as I could. I even let my hair down by drinking a little too much and having some questionable dance moves on the dance floor. It wasn’t till the next day when my boyfriend was going through the hangover from hell that I started to go through a different type of hangover.
It was like anxiety was secretly hiding throughout the day, spying and collecting information about the day. like a damn dossier to use against me in the next coming days. I literally woke up with the shakes and feeling sick and not because of the alcohol consumption from the night before, unlike my partner, but because I woke up with a bombardment of anxiety.
My mind was literally screaming at me, ” WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!”. Like it was a bad thing to have a loss of control and to let my hair down, like it was a crime to enjoy myself and like it was stupid of me to think I could go through it without anxiety making her bitchy self known. Like how dare I? So yesterday while my partner was making friends with the toilet, I was experiencing flashbacks and twitching because anxiety was telling me all the things she had gathered about me from the day, lucky me.
“You were too fat for that dress.”
‘ No one actually likes you.”
‘ They were laughing at you, not with you.”
‘You looked like a twat.”
‘They think you are not good enough for your partner.”
Honestly, the bitch of anxiety has moaned on for the last two days and my partner’s hangover was fine after a day, while my anxiety hangover is still ongoing, how is that fair? It has started to slow down and not as intense which means I am not twitching every 5 minutes. I twitch when I have flashbacks if you didn’t know that fun fact about my anxiety.
The thing is, I have to now make a conscious effort to try and not let the anxiety hangover ruin the memories from the day, which ain’t so easy. Anxiety has a way of making not only you suffer but also taint your memories and your experiences.
So unlike my partner’s hangover, my anxiety hangover can’t be solved with hydrating, sleep, painkillers and junk food. Instead, I am using my self-care tools like creativity, me time and talking about it, oh and buying a shit load of new stationery to make me feel better!