*knock knock*– my life
Sorry, wrong house!
Do you ever feel brimming with ideas but the motivation to follow through on them is nowhere to be seen? I just sometimes feel like slapping myself for wasting time, but I just feel so deflated to do anything. Like my housework at the moment consists of putting a throw on the sofa that needs vacuuming and fuck it I am not putting the dishes away from the dishwasher, I will just use it as a big cupboard. If my life was represented by a colour, it would be beige. I am just getting through one beige day to another, and the small amount of energy I have can just about handle beige. I wish I had the energy for red or orange or even yellow (my least favourite colour), but I don’t and that is frustrating.
I did go to therapy yesterday, so it went from beige to a bit of dark grey for a bit so beggars can’t be choosers, I guess. This was my sixth week in therapy, and it has gone so fast. I am only just getting used to being open and vulnerable and not feeling like a twat. So how did it go? Well…
Therapy 6 – I need a cup of positivitea!
You won’t need to look far to find my biggest critic, it is me! When something goes wrong in my life I get tunnel vision and that is all I can see and feel. I am giving my issues issues because I just can’t seem to escape from my own mind. Some of my anxiety comes from my lack of positivity because I am too focused on the things that I can’t control instead of what I can control. My therapist is pretty certain that I do have C- PTSD and because of my past as I have an instant distrust of the world. My emotions can feel overwhelming because I don’t know how to handle them and basically I created this beige world to live in.
Being positive can sometimes feel so foreign to me and I don’t give myself credit enough for things I do well and have overcome because I don’t see it.
I am making steps to be more positive I write a tiny victories list most week and making small changes can evoke big things. The thing is I need to open my eyes to it more and have a cup of positivitea as I do deserve it. I need to start working on my own self worth instead of just putting myself down all the time out of habit. I am never going to be the type of person to look on the bright side but I can be more open to more positivity in my life.