Today was therapy day aka, crying into some cake day. I got emotional from the get-go, as soon as she asked me if I was ok because I am not ok. I am not ok with the situation with my eyes, I am not ok with the direction my life is in, and I am not ok with me. That is a lot of not ok in one person. I feel like I am stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in, and I have no control over the situation, I have just got to get on with it and look on the bright side and think positive.
Who else gets annoyed when you get told to think positive and look on the bright side? Raise your hand if you have rolled your eyes so much when you have been told these things, eye-rolling has become your main form of cardio. Like, I get it most people are just trying to be nice, but sometimes I want to stamp on their rose-tinted glasses. My therapist advised me today, you can’t always see the bright side, and it is ok to feel like shit if that is how you are feeling. Maybe I need to get a t-shirt that says, ” Yes I am grumpy and yes that is ok”.
I am constantly beating myself up for not being perky, not doing enough and not handling things better. My therapist pointed out that I am saying I should do this and I shout being doing that, and asked me why all the rules. If your body is telling you it needs a break, why ignore it? If your mind is telling you it needs comfort, why ignore it? Why ignore it for some made-up rules that say you need to do something with your time constantly. Why? Because I fear the loss of control and it scares me that I am now so physically and mentally vulnerable.
Today I have learned that I need to give myself a break and to just live in the moment, I am only human and I can’t control everything. Life gives you shit simple as that, good and bad shit, and we all have these moments where we question why. There isn’t always an answer and a perfect way to get through the why times. If you want to look on the bright side there is nothing wrong with that if you want to have a good cry and feel sorry for yourself for a while there is nothing wrong with that either. Just need to remember life is hard but so are we.