So therapy today was another barrel of laughs, I think today it has finally dawned on me on how far down the hole of depression I have got myself. Even though there have been some great steps forward, I am struggling with my inner critic. She is a right fucking bitch but I always take what she says as truth, as why not? She is me. I am learning more and more that I am at war with myself and this battle has been tearing chunks out of me for years. I think I am starting to see that the attention I crave so much needs to come from me, the love I crave so much needs to come from me and the acceptance of my mind and body needs to come from me. My inner critic is telling me I am not strong enough, but I have gotten this far haven’t I.
I need to start showing myself some kindness. I am good at keeping my mind busy and using creativity as a self-care tool, it is not enough though. I need to learn to self-sooth and give myself a fucking break when things get tough. I need to take care of my emotional needs and physical needs instead of just trying to put on a brave face.
Now, how the fuck do you self-sooth?
I wish I knew! There is no switch to turn off my inner critic, but I can start by turning the volume down by listening to what my body needs. Whether I need a good cry, a tea break of just sitting and collecting my thoughts or maybe just letting myself heal emotionally or physically at my own pace and not try to rush it.
I feel like I am new to this be kind to yourself stuff and it feels so alien to me, but like everything else, it is just going to take time. I am a work in progress and I made a promise to myself that I am going to be ok and I will be.