So I went to therapy yesterday and once again it was a very difficult hour. I know I said last week that I was trying not to cry in therapy, well that didn’t go to plan this week. If I had to sum up this week’s therapy session in three words it would be, I hate myself. We went through what had happened in the week and how I delt with it. After I was telling my therapist about how I struggle with self-belief and my self-confidence, my therapist hit me with some harsh truth that I needed to hear. I felt like I had said too much, me and my big mouth. I had spoken so much I had got to the core. I felt exposed and I didn’t like it.
“You hate yourself,” she said. It felt like time had stopped, that one sentence. I couldn’t stop the tears from forming quick enough, I just felt this deep pain inside me go, she’s right. Well, colour me fucking dumbfounded, because I knew I’ve got issues, but how did I let it get this fucking bad.
I don’t want to hate myself but I just got myself all tangled up in issues, damage, anxiety, depression and all the other shit that has affected me over the years. I molded myself to reflect that pain instead of reflecting the warrior who got through that pain.
So what do I do now?
I carry on. I carry on focusing on improving my mental health, I work on myself, for myself. Fuck what others may think. I have to do this for me and me alone. As I want to be able to look in the mirror one day and go I don’t hate you anymore, I love you.