Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all of the time as you are only human.
It was therapy day aka crying into cake day. today I felt completely ripped open and I try not to get too emotional in therapy because I know when the tears start to fall I won’t be able to make them stop and I want to be able to absorb everything the therapist is saying, I won’t be able to do that if I was crying. I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but I don’t make sense. So instead I go to a coffee shop get myself a coffee and some cake, find a corner to write a bit and allow myself to cry.
Today was different though, a few soft tears turned into gut-wrenching sobbing when I got home. I also spoke to my partner when I got home about therapy for like 2 hours. It was hard to see him get upset because I was upset as he just wants to fix it but he knows he can’t.
Even though today was hard and my eyes are sore and swollen from crying it, was worth it, as I know starting to understand my mind a bit more and how the past has affected me.
So what did I learn today?
I learned my inner child takes a lot of space inside my head because she is crying out for attention, for love and protection. I am going to have to learn to parent myself in a nurturing way instead of a critical way. I have learned that I can’t try to fix the past in the present and to acknowledge my feelings by accepting it is ok to feel the way I do. I need to be the hero my inner child has been looking for, and I can’t find in other people. They can love me and care for me but they can’t parent me and be my hero.
My inner child really needs a fucking hug and I working on be that person who can be there for her and tell her things will be ok. I know my past has a stronghold on me no matter how much I have tried to shake it off, and it has been my inner child who has been the one suffering because of this.
I will be ok, it hurts at the moment but I will be ok.