Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too, as you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Today I want to forgo my usual ramblings and get to the blog post, as today was a big day for me, today was therapy day. It has been a while since I was last in therapy, of course I was anxious, and there were points when I was getting ready to go that I was tempted to cancel. I knew I was ready for this because I was the one that started this ball rolling but was I up for the task of facing my pain. Therapy is not easy, you don’t just sit there being asked: “and how do you feel about that?”. Therapy is different person to person.
Honestly, today was a blur of emotions and reopening some old wounds and that was only day one. Even though I knew it was going to be like that, nothing can prepare you for that. I put it all out there like an emotional tap and basically was like I need help I don’t know how to deal with this. The session overall went well and I did come away from it a little lighter and a little more hopeful. I went and treated myself to a coffee and a cake after and it wasn’t until I was sitting down to eat my cake that the tears came pouring out. I literally ate my feelings today. I kept thinking will I ever be ok? It was a good job I was wearing sunglasses because I was a mess. So I got out my notbook and pen and wrote this.
What I promise to myself.
I promise that I will get out this vortex of pain.
I promise I will feel good enough.
I promise I will stop comparing myself to others.
I promise I will go back on medication.
I promise I will be happy.
I promise I will not turn into them.
I promise that I will be ok.
I promise I will keep moving forward.
I don’t want to be crying into my cake anymore, I just want freedom. I want free from the pain, as it has been my life for so many years and I don’t want it to be my future. So to answer the question I asked myself earlier, will I ever be ok? Well, I am working on it.