Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I feel like someone has come along in the middle fo the night and turned me up to 1000. Do you ever feel like that?
Let me explain as best I can, my mind is thinking about everything and everyone, my emotions are so intense. It is like, my mind has turned into a bingo machine that is constantly turning and every now and then a thought or idea pops out. Aka, hello manic cycle! I am just so wired right now so hence some late-night writing. Someone once asked me what is worse, depression cycle, manic cycle or anxiety. Honestly, I don’t think I could answer that because they are all just so dffierent.
Right now I feel like my world has been flipped on its head again as I am having to be signed off work again and I am starting to feel like this keeps happening for a reason. I felt like I have been on the wrong path for a while now and maybe this is trying to tell me it is time to change my path.
Which brings me what is bothering me so much at the moment.
Did I miss my exit?!
I have had this heavy dark feeling that sends shivers down my spine, keeps me up at night and honestly scares the fucking shit out of me. Have I missed my chances? Have I run out of new opportunities? Have I just gave in to the fact that I am destined to just survive. I have spent so much of my life fight and mental illness and surviving my family and dealing with fucked up situations that I craved normality like a drug. I just wanted to feel settled. I think that drive to just feel settled and get on top of my mental health always kept me one step behind from everyone, which in turn has now left me feeling like I am a treadmill. I have pushed forward and forward and it hasn’t got me nowhere. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great partner and some great things in my life and I am so thankful for them, this is more to do with me. I feel like I have let my issues hold me back for so long and I am now so scared that I have missed my exit to a better path. I hid away for a long time, my issues just cocooned me and now I fear that I stayed cocooned for too long and I may have missed my chance at being a beautiful butterfly who managed to fly free from her issues.