Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Being able to feel that me and my mind are no longer at war with one another at the moment feels pretty fucking good. I was getting to a point where I was waking up most days and just being bombarded with thoughts of, “you are not good enough’, ‘you will go nowhere”, “you are not loveable’. I felt like I was slowly being chipped away by my own mind and I just couldn’t get a handle on it. This is me not being cured of mental illness, no, this is me just not letting it dominate my life. I am still going to get anxiety I am still going to deal with the lows and highs of bipolar but I am just trying to deal with those moments better and learn to appreciate the happy days. Life isn’t peachy keen and there are still some major things that need to be dealt with but that will come with time.
One of the issues I need to deal with is:
One is the loneliest number.
I feel that throughout the years I have become more jaded by my connections with people. I have been hurt by people who should never hurt you, had friendships crash and burn and just had people just walk away from me. It has made be enclose myself with so many walls and make me not to fully connect with people. This may have been a defence mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt but I still end up hurt in another way. Loneliness is awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. I just go through times where I am like fuck there is no one around me and it is scary as fuck. Some of it down to my own actions and some is down to others. I am trying to now to not sit and wait for people to walk through the door and instead open the door for them and let people in. It is not easy to do this but I don’t want to be lonely anymore, I want connections to people and to feel that people want me around because they love me.