Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I was wondering today if there was a job out there where I could be in my pyjamas all day, do some arts and crafts and drink my body weight in tea and get paid for it. If anyone knows of such a thing please let me know as today was a doozy of a day. I really don’t get paid enough to do what I do and honestly, if I was appreciated more at where I work, the money wouldn’t matter. I know I have been moaning a lot at the moment and you are probably thinking either just quit or shut up but I’m an adult (well kind of), it is not that simple. I really wanted to stick this place out as my mental illness has affected jobs before and has meant I have moved from job to job and I really want to have a job where I could settle in for a long period, I guess I am hoping it will get better but I think I am just fucking kidding myself.
So enough of the moaning I am even rolling my own eyes at myself right now, time to move on to today’s blog post. As I stated in a previous blog post I wanted to do more posts based around my artwork, so today’s post is all about not knowing where the path your own may lead.
The road to nowhere.
mI didn’t realise that I have such control issues until about 2 years ago, until I sat down with a therapist and discussed my issues with anxiety and how angry and impatient it can make me. I remember thinking is this normal? Is it normal to lose my shit and get really bad anxiety when a bus is late or to get panic attacks when faced with the aspect of change? I remember the therapist then telling me a lot of anxiety is linked to fear of loss of control. Even though I can be the most disorganised person in the world I really don’t handle the chaos that well. I feel like an oxymoron. I feel that a lot of my anxiety at the moment is down to the lack of control I have on my future. Will I get pregnant, will my eyes get better, will I get married, will people accept me, will I get a new job and will I ever mend things with my family? Some of those things are out of my control and that scares the shit out of me. That fear is a welcome mat for anxiety which then causes me to just stop completely the path I am on, too scared to see where the next step will take. Will I take a new path or will I repeat the one that I am on? That anxiety is the reason why a lot of us feels that when we achieve anything it takes a long time and what might be a small step to someone without these issues it is a big one to us.
I guess it comes down to a leap of faith and or in my case a tiptoe of faith. We can make strides by taking small steps and if we let anxiety win there we are stuck in a place we don’t want to be.