Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. So it is Mental health week and where it is mental health week for me every week, I do think things like this are important in helping to raise awareness and help people share their stories. The theme this time is body image and this is a hard one for me because this is a battle I am nowhere near winning and unlike when I talk about bipolar or anxiety or even self-harming body image is something that can bring me to tears very easy. So to make it easier for me emotionally I am going to do this in two parts, a negative and a positive. Instead of my usual rambling. I am going to give this a trigger warning though and this is a hard subject for a lot of people and this is going to touch on the food issues I have experienced.
Why didn’t you show me to love myself?
She was only 10 years old when she started to notice her body was changing, she was not like the others she was gaining weight and instead of finding out why they put her on a diet. They made her feel so different in a bad way and she felt so ashamed. She was only 10 years old for fuck sake. She was told to suck in her belly and she would look better. she was given a toning belt as a birthday gift at 12 years old, was she really that disgusting to you? She was so ashamed by what she ate she would sneak food and hide the evidence, she even tried being bulimic as she heard that would help her be like everyone. She started to notice that she couldn’t face eating certain food and the phobia took root there. The thing is she would have done anything to get the approval from the people around her and she even tapped herself in an outfit on her 12th birthday because it didn’t fit her and she couldn’t bear to tell anyone as she didn’t want to hear their disappointment. She tried everything to make them happy she even asked for help off someone by writing them a note to ask them to show her how she can be thin like them instead of fat like her. No one helped her. She was so jealous and envious of the people around her, she had this inner hatred for her body growing within from a young age.
She was me.
I have tried every diet from a young age been told what to eat and how to exercise but never shown how to love myself. my body image has been fucked up from a young age and I look back at my younger years and I want to shake her and tell her she is fucking beautiful. It is too late for that, the damage is done but that doesn’t mean I can’t get better. So this is some of my past. There is a lot more but it is so painful to talk about. I will be writing another blog post about this in a few days telling you about where I am now with my body image and what is yet to come.