Posted in good shit and bad shit

Good shit and bad shit!

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. So here we are the end of another week and some new possible opportunities are at our fingertips. Well for me it is going to bring a few days away camping in my happy place away from home and a week off work so yeah I’m fucking happy about what next week will bring. I am still waiting to hear back from when therapy will start and my new assessment will take place, that is the massive downside when you reach out for help, the long wait. We all know what waiting can cause though, a shit tonne of overthinking. I think it is down to the fact I am so ready to tackle these issues and excited the path that may take me. I am also worried though that when I slip into that dark place it is getting deeper, which then makes it harder to get out.
I am going to try to put all this to the back of my mind though this week so I can just enjoy being in the moment and try to not take things so seriously and enjoy myself camping with my partner.
So here are this week’s good shit and bad shit.

Good shit
• I have opened up more to some of the people closest to me about my mental health problems.
• I have taken better care of myself this week when my eyes were hurting too much at work instead of powering through I left early to go home and rest. When I was experiencing anxiety or low mood I have made sure to do some self-care.
• I didn’t completely lose my shit this week when my bus was really late which made me miss my train, twice. This is huge for me. as this is a massive trigger for me and my anxiety. I was pleasantly surprised by how calm and accepting I was in this situation.

Bad shit
• I hate the way I look at the moment to the point where I am struggling to even look in the mirror.
• I have only managed to go to the gym twice this week due to my unwillingness to leave my comfort zone.

This week there has been more good shit then bad and I feel that is down to me shifting my mindset to be more present, instead of overthinking about what has happened and what is yet to come.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

Small steps add up.

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. This week is nearly at a close and so far so good, kind of. There hasn’t been anything major that has rocked my boat, it has been a steady drift with the occasional small wave of anxiety crashing on board. This week has been a week of reflection though. I have been thinking a lot about the person I have become and the person that I would like to be. I am not sure if that is the same person at the moment as I feel that I have let a lot of darkness in my life and it has twisted and molded me into someone who feels sad a lot of the time. I feel that I haven’t truly moved on from certain things completely and I just don’t want to be sad anymore. There is no right path to happiness but I do believe that it is more than a feeling of joy but a feeling of acceptance of what has been, what is being and what will be.
Today’s tip of the day –

Small steps add up.

It came to me the other day when I had this feeling of sadness and anxiety overcome me out of nowhere. Depression and anxiety are like a lion or a tiger who traps its prey in a corner and the prey fears there is no way out. That is what feels like sometimes when a bipolar cycle or anxiety takes over, there is no stopping it and no stopping that feeling of hopelessness but that’s not true. That’s what the lion wants you to think and that gives it control over the situation. When you make those small steps out of that corner by doing self-care, opening up to people, taking your medication and just getting by each day, you are no longer trapped in that corner. Those smalls steps add up. We may feel trapped by mental illness or mental health problems when they feel like they are taking over but those smalls steps can turn you from prey to lion and help turn the tables on what has trapped you in the corner.
Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

Don’t waste your time.

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I am going through a thing at the moment where I can’t help come to the conclusion that I am the monster. What do all these bad things have in common… me. I know that I am probably overthinking things and that may be the case for most of it but I do believe that I have been molded by my past and the person that I am is not an easy person to get along with. I am cynical, moody, untrustworthy, sarcastic and that is not a positive mix at times. My partner is the opposite to me, he is laid back, calm, trusting and forgiving. This is where we can clash because he is not able to see things from my point of view and I am not able to see things from his but we can respect each others point of views. The things are I am starting to see that I am more damaged then I thought I was and that is not necessarily a bad thing though, it just means that there are things I need to pay attention too and learn that damaged doesn’t mean unloveable.

So today’s tip of the day is –

Don’t waste your time.

We have all been there, haven’t we, waiting for something to figure out. Whether it has been a relationship, a work situation or a personal situation, we can spend a lot of time sometimes just waiting. What happens though when you are waiting on something? Overthinking kick in, which then has a ripple effect by activating anxiety, depression, anger, and hopelessness. I am not saying if the situation is important to forget about it all together and move on, no what I am saying is that a watched pot never boils. Sometimes my I can trigger my anxiety and my depression by just overthinking a situation and instead of leaving that situation be. Sometimes we can make things worse by putting all of our focus on it. I certainly been guilty of putting too much focus on my anxiety or bipolar and end up having a rough time with it. We still need to live life to our fullest and how can we do that when we are using up all of our energy on things that don’t need our full energy at times.
Also when we step away from something that we are trying to figure out that break away or distraction from it may be the answer we were looking for or give us chance to find an answer or solution to that situation.
What I am trying to say don’t put your life on pause farthings that don’t necessarily need you to do that for a time is a precious thing.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in good shit and bad shit

Good shit and bad shit!

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Another week down and it’s been an alright week, I think? So earlier today I was thinking about my good shit and bad shit list for this week and why I do it. I have come to the conclusion when dealing with mental illness and things from the past it has given me tunnel vision. So when something bad happens I tend to put my blinders up and all I can concentrate on is the bad thing that is happening. This tunnel vision completely darkens my sky and can honestly make me kind of selfish and a bit of a downer. Seeing the bright side to life is hard when you have this tunnel vision so this is why I started writing the good shit and the bad shit and help me come out of this tunnel vision.

This week’s good shit and bad shit:

Good shit
• After a difficult start to my motivation this week I have managed to go to the gym a couple of times even though not been feeling the best.
• Camping is booked for the end of the month and I can’t wait to get away for a few days to my happy place away from home.
• I have managed my first week of 4 days back at work. Went quite well and has definitely given me more of a sense of routine again.
Bad shit
• The bitch of anxiety has been on my back most of the week and has caused me to doubt myself a lot.
• I miss my brother we haven’t spoken for over 3 months now and without going into too much detail I’m scared things are too damaged between us.
• This week it has been mental health awareness week and it has been about body image, well my body image view is at an all-time low right now.

So this week there has been some good shit and some bad shit and neither one outweighs the other and that to me is progress. Not every week is going to be amazing but that also means not every week is going to be bad. Things happen, good and bad and when those blinders come off we can see what the tunnel vision was blocking which can give us not hope, but our reality back.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

Mental health awareness week – part 2 – How can I love myself?

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I think I think too much, it really played on my mind for days after my part one post for mental health week. I know it is down to the fact that the things I had written are things I haven’t really talked about openly with people apart from a therapist and my partner. What I wrote felt like my dirty little secret, most people who know me probably know I have some body image issues but they don’t know the root cause for them. I guess I felt like it was time to not only share it with people but to start the healing process of not feeling so ashamed of something that wasn’t my fault. If you haven’t checked out part one it is called “why didn’t you show me how to love myself” and please feel free to drop me a message if you have gone through anything similar and need to talk about it. As that is the whole point of mental health week to help spread awareness and to also help one another even if it is just a friendly ear to just listen.
So, part one was about my past and part two is all about the here and now and what I hope is to come with the journey of with my body image problems.

How can I love myself?

I have tried a lot of diets and fitness routines in the hope it will help improve my body image issues but I honestly knew each time it was kind of pointless as deep down I knew that no matter how much weight I may lose those issues will still be there, there is no diet that can get rid of them. I know now because of my past and how I was never shown how to love my body, my body image issues are not just about how much I weigh or how much I exercise or what I eat, it goes much deeper than that.
I am nowhere fucking near excepting my body for all of its faults or positives and I’ve got a long way to go before that happens, but I have started to make small steps on that journey. I know now that not only do I need to work with a professional in dealing with these issues and past events to not only to help show me it was not my fault but to help me move on in a healthier way. I have now stopped dieting for the first time in 22 years and yes it means that I am panicking about my weight every day I just know dieting is not healthy for me. Instead, I am exercising to not lose weight but to just try and get a little fitter and also trying to seek the help of a professional to help me see food is not the enemy.
I am looking forward to the day where I don’t feel the need to cover my body in baggy clothes even in the summer, I am looking forward to the day where I can look at my body in the mirror and say “ damn girl you are beautiful”.
I am not a positive influencer for positive body image as I got a lot of shit to work on but I am just a girl standing in front of a mirror asking myself how can I love myself? instead of the answer being never, the answer is now, you will find a way.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Posted in mental health

The Jeremy Kyle hypocrisy.

Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Something has really ground my fucking gears this today. Apart from having the bitch if anxiety on my back fucking with my thought process which has been a barrel of laughs, I have read the hypocrisy of what has happened on English tv.

The Jeremy Kyle hypocrisy.

So if you don’t live in the U.K you might not know who Jeremy Kyle is, let me explain it to you as simply as I can. He had a day time tv show which is kind of like the less extreme version of Jerry Springer, people are brought on to do lie detectors and DNA tests to see if their partner has cheated or to see if someone has stolen something or to see if someone has done drugs. Basically the people on brought on to deal with something that they feel that they can’t deal with behind closed doors. There has been a lot of controversies linked to this show for years, accusations that the aftercare is pitiful and that guests are plied with alcohol and made to look bad. Honestly, you only have to watch one episode of this show to see how fucked up it. I don’t believe we should use someone else’s struggles, pain or issues as entertainment. So after the news broke today that it has been canceled permanently due to a guest committing suicide after filming for the show, I thought too little too late as I am sure there are more tragedies linked to the show then what we know. Yes, I am so glad ITV has finally ended this show but their hands are still nowhere near fucking clean.
How about Love Island, there have been 2 suicides linked to that show and it has been highlighted about the poor aftercare given to the people who are thrust into the limelight and have no clue how to deal with their new reality after the show. How about fucking Piers Morgan who is absolute scum in my eyes, he shares the most damaging opinions which includes shaming mental illness but is still given a podium on ITV to do this. So yeah I don’t believe that the Jeremy Kyle show was canceled for all the right reasons because if it was then so would Love Island and Piers Morgan would be out of a job. I guess controversy which brings in a lot of money is more important to ITV then actually giving a fuck about a humans mental health.
Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx

Posted in mental health

Mental health awareness week – part 1 – Why didn’t you show me to love myself?

Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. So it is Mental health week and where it is mental health week for me every week, I do think things like this are important in helping to raise awareness and help people share their stories. The theme this time is body image and this is a hard one for me because this is a battle I am nowhere near winning and unlike when I talk about bipolar or anxiety or even self-harming body image is something that can bring me to tears very easy. So to make it easier for me emotionally I am going to do this in two parts, a negative and a positive. Instead of my usual rambling. I am going to give this a trigger warning though and this is a hard subject for a lot of people and this is going to touch on the food issues I have experienced.

Why didn’t you show me to love myself?
She was only 10 years old when she started to notice her body was changing, she was not like the others she was gaining weight and instead of finding out why they put her on a diet. They made her feel so different in a bad way and she felt so ashamed. She was only 10 years old for fuck sake. She was told to suck in her belly and she would look better. she was given a toning belt as a birthday gift at 12 years old, was she really that disgusting to you? She was so ashamed by what she ate she would sneak food and hide the evidence, she even tried being bulimic as she heard that would help her be like everyone. She started to notice that she couldn’t face eating certain food and the phobia took root there. The thing is she would have done anything to get the approval from the people around her and she even tapped herself in an outfit on her 12th birthday because it didn’t fit her and she couldn’t bear to tell anyone as she didn’t want to hear their disappointment. She tried everything to make them happy she even asked for help off someone by writing them a note to ask them to show her how she can be thin like them instead of fat like her. No one helped her. She was so jealous and envious of the people around her, she had this inner hatred for her body growing within from a young age.

She was me.

I have tried every diet from a young age been told what to eat and how to exercise but never shown how to love myself. my body image has been fucked up from a young age and I look back at my younger years and I want to shake her and tell her she is fucking beautiful. It is too late for that, the damage is done but that doesn’t mean I can’t get better. So this is some of my past. There is a lot more but it is so painful to talk about. I will be writing another blog post about this in a few days telling you about where I am now with my body image and what is yet to come.

Take care,
Vixxy Rose
xxx