Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. So this week has been started well, not. I have been triggered mentally, my depression and my anxiety are running wild right now in my mind and I thought instead of letting them keep me in this hole, I would do something about it. I wanted to do a post like this for a while now anyway and why not do a post about being triggered while I am being triggered.
Being triggered is a cluster fuck of emotions!
We all have triggers when it comes to mental illness and they do vary from person to person, some get triggered because of an event that has happened to them and some get triggered by an emotional feeling like fear or regret. For me, one of my triggers is being abandoned or ignored. I know this is down to events from my past and it’s no fucking picnic because sometimes it doesn’t take much for it to get triggered and then it is away we go to the dark place.
So today started pretty normally, I have decided to try and go back to work for a few days a week against my better judgment. My manager lacks the skills to be a manager and honestly, I think he hates me. So I phoned up head office and spoke to my favorite HR guy who has been amazing to me while I have been off sick and told him some of my concerns and he was nice and understanding and said he will support me. Even though the conversation helped, I could feel the anxiety starting to rise up from my toes spreading upwards fast heading to my mind and I tried pushing it down but when does anxiety ever fucking listen.
I decided to try and keep myself distracted and do some reading but it carried on slowly rising and then I get a phone call.
The phone call sent the anxiety rocketing to my mind and dragged depression along for the ride. I won’t go into the details of the phone call but I came away feeling ignored and that I will always be on the outside with certain people. My brain went on to full meltdown mode, at one point I swear I could hear the alarm bells going off in my head warning danger.
To put it as simply as I can I will put it into two categories of how I reacted to this trigger.
• Negative thoughts – unloveable, not good enough, a loser, pathetic, a mess, broken.
• Suicidal – I don’t want to do this or feel like this anymore.
• I’m not strong enough, I just want this to stop why won’t this fucking stop?
• Why do I care so much? Where is my fuck it attitude?
• Utter despair and hopelessness.
• The thought of self-harm may help me.
• Binge eating and eating my emotions.
• Feeling sick.
Now that is a lot to go on in literally minutes of being triggered and the last thing you experience after being triggered is tiredness, no fucking surprise there! You know what, now that I focused my mind on one thing and that is writing this post, I have calmed down a bit and my mind is starting to settle. Self-care is so fucking important when it comes to your mental illness when you are being triggered and it may take a while to take control that cluster fuck that is going on in your mind but it is not impossible.