Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human.
15 days, 360 hours, 21600 seconds or 2 weeks and 1 day are left of my twenties. I really don’t know how I feel about this. Do I feel old? No, I still laugh at farting. Do I feel prepared to be in my thirties? No, like I just said I still laugh at farting. Am I where I thought I would be at thirty? Fuck no, this is not what I imagined at all! I think the problem is not that I am comparing my life to other people’s standards but the 12 year old girl I used to be, the girl who dreamed of being a teacher, with 3 children and a husband. A family that built forts together in the living room and generally enjoyed being in each others company. The picture-perfect life that I spent so much time and effort in building towards, is nowhere near reality for me. Instead of the 12 year old me looking at me now going you did it you made that picture happen, she is shaking her head telling me what the fuck is this! I am not married, I don’t have children and I really don’t have my life together, but hey I still have my health, well just about.
That picture that I have had in my mind hasn’t served me any good, all it has done is poison me for years into thinking I have failed. So I am going to give myself an early birthday present, I am getting the fuck rid of that picture, even though I know it has been poisoning me for years, I will be sad to see it go but it is time. I don’t want to spend another 30 years like this.
So today’s tip of the day is –
You call it a mess, I call it life!
Sometimes we need to ask yourself why are we depressed? Why are we anxious? Sometimes that answer is because we are not happy about how far away we are from that picture we have of what we dreamed our lives should be. I have been dieting for 18 years, I have caused myself so much anxiety about not being married and so depressed about not having any children yet, my career is in the toilet but where has any of that got me? Fucking nowhere.
There is nothing wrong with having goals and dreams and going for them but if going for that goal or dream is destroying you what is the point? That picture that we have in a golden frame is not worth the pressure and the mental abuse it can cause. Life is not about what you have and don’t have, life is about the journey to get where you want to be. All those bad things we hate about ourselves are still there no matter how much you try to paint over it. I am neurotic, chubby, grumpy, forgetful, sensitive and sarcastic. Has any of the dieting in the last 18 years changed that? No. has any of the self-loathing changed that? No. Those things are part of me and they can be improved but they are still there. Life gives us good and bad shit and that shit is not picture perfect.