Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. That feeling is back, the dark unwanted cloud of depression. I have recently realized how much depression is like tar, how it can spread and cover you in darkness in an instance and also isn’t so easy to remove. We could also flip that to a positive, as tar is used to make roads and sometimes our darkest of times is making a road heading towards our lightest of times. Just something to think about…
So yeah I feel like shit, to put it bluntly, and I feel the more I try to be strong the harder it becomes to do so, instead, I let go a bit and let myself crumble. Instead of waiting for a full storm to come along I let in a few dark clouds. The hard thing about this is being able to be vulnerable and with the dark clouds looming over my head I need to be on the lookout for unhealthy coping mechanisms trying to sneak their way back in. Fun times.
My tip of the day is –
I get so fucking angry at myself at times for feeling weak and so broken. The amount of times I mutter to myself “stupid bitch” because I get so frustrated with some of the actions I have chosen to take. I honestly think about some of the things that has happened to me in the past and even though I know now it wasn’t my fault, it doesn’t stop me concluding that I am the monster. If everyone has walked away maybe it is me? Maybe if I was smarter, prettier, thinner I would have done better? Am I toxic? Maybe I did deserve it?
I am sure we all have felt like this as we seem to find it so easy to be our biggest critic instead of our bigger supporter. It is like when you see a pimple on your face you can’t help yourself but pick it and then we pick it so much it ends up leaving a small scar. So if we keep blaming ourselves for everything that has gone wrong we are going to end up with so many little scars.
So over the next day or so I am going to write myself a letter of forgiveness, even though I know it sounds crazy to forgive myself for things that weren’t my fault it hasn’t stopped me from blaming myself for those things, maybe this will be the step I need to take to move on. I will share the letter and what I will do next in my next blog post. In the meantime, if you have any tips on how you learned to forgive yourself please feel free to leave a comment.
Take care all,