Posted in mental health

The fight I am not willing to lose…

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Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Currently sitting here writing and finally shedding the tears that I have been hoping would fall for a while now. I’m crying because I am sad, angry, hurt and fucking scared. Every emotion is finally unlocking and falling freely from my eyes. Which is kind of ironic, as I am crying because of my eyes.
For the last 6 months I have been dealing with an ongoing illness with my eyes and now it looks like I have still got a long tough road ahead of me. Not only is this affecting me physically but also mentally. This illness has turned my life upside down, which in turn has caused me so much stress and mental strain and honestly, it has pushed me to the edge, to a point where I thought I couldn’t take any more.

So today I want to do something different and let you in on my journey with Pan-uveitis. Pan-uveitis is an inflammation of all layers of the uvea of the eye, which includes the iris, ciliary body, and choroid. These make up the middle layer of the eye. This condition can also affect the lens, retina, optic nerve, and vitreous, causing reduced vision or blindness. Let’s start at the beginning, 6 months ago I suddenly developed blurred vision in my left eye and really bad headaches. I went to A&E and they said it was just a migraine, they gave me a muscle relaxer and then sent me home. I knew it wasn’t a migraine and decided to then book an eye test at my local opticians. The optician spotted the problem straight away and made me an appointment at the eye hospital, this was my first diagnosis of uveitis. I was given steroid drops to take every hour and after 3 months went back and was told it has cleared up. Unfortunately, within a week it came back but in both eyes.
Unfortunately, it came back with a vengeance. So over these last few months, I have more eye drops and even steroid injections in both eyes (good job I am not scared of needles). Instead of getting better, I got worse, the steroid drops come with their own side effects and unfortunately, they doubled my eye pressure in both eyes and now I may have developed Glaucoma, which has resulted in me having to be put on medication to be on the safe side until a Glaucoma specialist can see me.
Yesterday I finally saw a Uveitis specialist who after some tests and scans gave me the diagnose for Pan-uveitis. It is the rarest and most dangerous form of uveitis and I may never beat it but just control it. As well as that, I have to have some more tests to see if I have sarcoidosis, which is an inflammation disease which can cause my immune system to be on overdrive, this may be the reason for me developing the Pan-uveitis.
So there you go that’s the story and it is been fucking hard and as I don’t know if my vision will ever be the same and it scares me not knowing how my vision is going to be on a daily basis. I love reading and writing and to think they may be taken away from me is my worst nightmare. It is not just that though, it is the thought of not being able to see my loved one’s faces, to enjoy the beauty of this world brings tears to my eyes just thinking about. I won’t take this laying down though, I will never give up the fight to save my vision.
Take care all,
Vixxy Rose
Xxx

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health

You won’t win every battle.

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Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. The bitch of anxiety has really been pissing me off the weekend, I have come close to tearing my hair out because she is just niggling away at me. Also because I have this eye condition at the moment and it reacts to my anxiety and now I am having to deal with some very sore swollen eyes, fun times! Every freaking time I am working towards doing something for me or to better myself the bitch of anxiety comes and throws in her unwanted opinions.
So my podcast was going to be released this weekend but I am too eager to enjoy that moment so I am going to push it back a few days and so I can kick that bitch of anxiety out and then enjoy the moment of putting out my podcast without her.

Today’s tip of the day is –

You won’t win every battle.

This weekend has shown me that just because I have won one battle with anxiety doesn’t mean I will win the next one. I am not saying that isn’t possible, I just think it that we have to prepare ourselves for losing a battle. The loss is hard but not as hard as getting up from it. I am throwing my hands up and admitting that anxiety has got the best of me and won a battle but honestly I am ok with that.
We need to understand we can’t win every time, so we can learn from it, heal from it and move on from it. Learning from it is so important and I think it is necessary to win the war with anxiety. This why I always try to do a tiny victory list each week, it is something I can look back on to give me strength and recognize that losing a battle is ok because I have won some already and will win some in the future. I think the more we can accept things can’t always go the way we would like it to, the easier it can become in dealing with a loss.
So if you are going through a bad time with your mental health, try to remember or write down the things you have done and shift the focus from the things you haven’t done.

Take care all,
Vixxy Rose
Xxx

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health

Don’t listen to the green-eyed monster.

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Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. So it has been a weird week mentally, even though I have the dark clouds floating above me, I can’t cry. The thing is I want to cry I know that sounds weird, I just know a good cry will do me good but the tears won’t come. Have I used up all my tear? I even googled this shit because I am a crier and this is freaking me out. Then it hit me. The dark clouds are not floating above me because I am sad, they are there because I got myself a little lost and I am feeling a bit hopeless at the moment. This is the magical fucked up thing with depression and a low mood cycle with bipolar, even though sadness can play a role sometimes it is not the definition of it. Right now a lot of my emotions are on off mode, this is a hard and weird head space to be in because you can lose the sense of direction rather quickly. It is like being lost in a jungle with no map or compass to guide you back to your path. Fun times!
On a lighter note, my new podcast Honest Tea will be coming out this weekend! Working towards this podcast and working on my artwork have kept me sane these past few weeks and I can’t wait to show you what I have been working on!

So today’s tip of the day is –

Don’t listen to the green-eyed monster.

It is so easy to compare your life to another person, especially with social media these days. I have been guilty of listening to the green-eyed monster numerous times. Why don’t I have that? Why are they doing better than me? Why does life keep knocking me down and lift them up?
Is the grass really greener on the other side or are you casting a shadow over your own grass? The thing is no one’s life is perfect we all have issues we have things we would like to change about ourselves if we were honest. Are we putting our energy into the wrong thing? The more we focus on the negative parts of our lives the bigger the shadow gets over the grass. If we spent more energy on focusing on the positives in our lives then we wouldn’t we wouldn’t care about whose grass is greener.
Also, the green-eyed monster and the bitch of anxiety are best friends they go everywhere together. Don’t sell yourself short because what you see on a screen, at the end of the day that is what anxiety wants you to do. So if you find social media is bringing out the worst in you take a break and live in the moment, don’t let the green-eyed monster or anxiety define who you are.

Take care all,
Vixxy Rose
Xxx

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health

The loud ticking of time.

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Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Firstly thank you to everyone who gave me such an amazing response on my last blog post One Little Scar, it was a hard post to write and played on my mind for a while but was worth writing in the end. It has been a weird and emotional time at the moment and I think that I finally fell down one of those slides to the dark place. It wasn’t until I was halfway down I realized what was going on and I panicked, I tried in vain to claw my way back up the slide. All that did though was waste energy and hurt me more than the ride down. So I am down the slide and I need to accept that I am in a low mood cycle so I can heal and find my way back up, as I have the time…
The loud ticking of time.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who found her self stuck in time, but it was only her that was stuck as everyone else’s time seemed fine, she could hear the loud ticking from the clocks. With each passing second came a deafening boom that caused the girls’ ears to ring. She tried in vain to catch up with everyone else’s time and each time she thought she made it, the ticking of the clock would send her back. What was she doing wrong? The girl was running out of options as she chased people around to be part of their time. The girl would wave and scream till her lungs would ache. Everyone just smiled and carried on living in sync with the clocks. She then thought maybe if she just acted like them then time would fix itself. So, she tried to march to everyone else’s beat and smiled like they did and acted like they did but the clock still kept on ticking and pushing her further and further behind. Dark clouds starting to form over the girl’s head as she started to cry, she couldn’t take it anymore, the loud ticks of time felt like they were mocking her now. As the girl lifted her hands to cover her ears from the ticking she was shocked by what she saw. The girls’ hands were fading, she was fading into time.
She was losing herself to this battle with time. The girl didn’t see that time wasn’t against her, if only she realized that time was giving her a break. Before the girl became stuck she was losing so much time trying to deal with so many things at once and she wasn’t coping. Time was not trying to mock the girl by ticking away, time was trying to let her know that when she has taken the time to heal and when she is ready that there is still time left for her, it’s not going away.

Take care all,
Vixxy Rose
Xxx

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health

One Little Scar.

 

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Hey everyone,
Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. I want to get straight into today’s blog post because it is a bit of a different one. There is no tip of the day and I have decided those posts will become less often, even though I love writing them. I have come to the conclusion that I want to do more with my writing and branch out a little with different types of posts. So let’s get on to today’s post before I start my usual moaning about life. Actually, I will say this though as I can’t help myself, today I did some self-care and even though part of my brain was telling me I was just being lazy I ignored it and it really has made a difference to take a couple of hours to myself and unwind my mind. Ok, I am done, promise!

 

One Little Scar.

There are scars that mark her on the outside and on the inside, they tell a story of a girl who faced many battles. The white marks that decorate her skin that can never be scrubbed away. As a scar can run deep, etching out the path the girl has already walked. A map that only she will be able to understand, a map that lays hidden. Scars are never only just on the outside as each scar can hold a memory, some we wish we could forget and some that we hold on to.
This girl has one little scar on her lip that reminds her how clumsy she has always been, as she ran into a tv when she was 5 years old. This scar makes her chuckle. This girl has one little scar on top of her arm, it is the only one left and in a weird way she hopes it never fades. This is the girl’s last self-harm scar and even though this scar holds a lot of sadness for her as all she just wanted to be heard and she didn’t know how else to let the pain out. It also is a reminder to this girl that she is strong, she is a survivor. Then there is the scar that the girl can’t bear to look at some days as the scar is a reminder that it was the start of so much heartache 12 years ago. See this girl has a c section scar but no child. This scar reminds her of the day she came so close to losing her life. She lost so much that day as it felt a part of her did die that day, as well as a child she didn’t know she was carrying, the respect of her family as no one let her talk about it afterward. Her innocence was replaced by a scar. This was not the end of the heartache, not long after the girl lost someone who she loved so dearly. The whole thing left a jagged scar that ran all the way to the girl’s heart.
This girl has many scars and many stories some good and some bad and probably many more scars will decorate the skin of this girl. The girl has learned a lot over the years from these scars and the one thing she definitely knows she has learned and that is, one little scar is a sign that the pain is over and it is time to heal.

Take care all,
Vixxy Rose
Xxx

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health

Telling someone to cheer up isn’t a cure for depression!

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Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. What the fuck is wrong with me? I honestly feel like I could do with a good cry but I have been stopping myself from getting overly emotional because when I cry my eyes swell, which doesn’t help my current condition. I feel so pent up though, like when you try and fit into your favorite pair of skinny jeans and you know if you breathe out too hard the flys are going to burst open. I feel like I could burst open at any moment, so many things weighing on my shoulders and so many things are irritating the fuck out of me and it is only going to take one small thing to burst open. This is why I haven’t done a post about letting things go because how can I tell people to let things go if I can’t?
With my past haunting me and the present being difficult no wonder it feels like the situations are colliding into one another and causing thunder and lightning inside my mind. The one thing I crave for my future is peace of mind and it feels even further out my reach right now. Yeah it might sound like I am being a negative nelly right now but I am owning my feelings right now and remember what I always say at the beginning of every post, it is ok not to be ok.

So today’s tip of the day is –

Telling someone to cheer up isn’t a cure for depression!

With the many years I have dealt with depression and anxiety, I have come across the occasional person (honestly wanted to put idiot and then thought I can’t say that, but I guess I kind of said it though oops!) who thought they had the magical cure for it. What you didn’t know depression and anxiety, no actually all mental illness can be cured? Well you just need to hear these magical words off someone and boom it is gone:
• Cheer up.
• It could be worse.
• You are being dramatic.
• It is all in your head.
• Just drink more water and exercise.
• Mental illness is a myth you are just not trying hard enough.

Honestly, I could go on because I have heard some right bangers when it comes to this. Unfortunately, I haven’t been cured by these magical sentences. Seriously though, 50% of the time the people who are saying these don’t mean any harm they are trying to help the best they can and what better person to inform them on mental illness than someone who has a mental illness. The other 50% who think mental illness is a myth well they can go fuck off! There is a point to this mini rant I promise, next time someone says this to you try and inform them it is not so easy and try to tell them more information on mental illness. In the past I have usually answered back sarcastically to someone when they have said something like that to me and now instead I try to give them information about mental illness. We need to try to take down the wall of stigma surrounding mental illness even if it is a brick at a time.

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

Xxx

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health

Forgive yourself part 2 – A letter to me.

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Hey everyone,

Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not, well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Today I got a bit crafty and decided to do a bit of painting and you know what, it really helped lift my spirits. I am no artists but just to sit there with my music on and the paintbrush in my hand and let my emotions guide me, was just as good as having a therapy session. I have been in my head so much these past few days, it has been so difficult to climb out of there, so this was the ladder I needed. With what is going on right now being hard enough but the past is coming into the picture as well. I know we shouldn’t focus on the past but what happened 11 years ago around this time set off such bomb in my life and even though it gets easier to deal with each year, it still affects me to this day. I won’t go into too much detail as I am still debating whether to do a blog post on it soon.
So in my last blog post, I talked about forgiving ourselves and I was going to start the healing process by writing a letter of forgiveness to myself. If you haven’t read my last blog post please do so in case this makes no sense to you at all! I have got a handwritten copy of this letter and will tell you what my next step will be after the letter…

Forgive yourself part 2 – A letter to me .

Dear Me

Back to talking to yourself again, I see, well at least that you are consistent at something. let’s get straight to it why don’t you believe you deserve to forgive yourself? We all fuck up, mistakes are not what make us but what we learn from. When will you see that your feelings of feeling so broken and so unlovable are not something you plucked out of thin air and are not your fault, you are the product of your environment. People have walked away from you, but really are those the type of people you want in your life? If people can’t stand by you through the dark times, well they are not the type of people we need in our life.
This deep hatred you have for yourself goes down to the core, I am with you every moment of the day when you are alone and you are so afraid to be left alone with your own thoughts. You are not a bad person and you are not rotten to the core. Some pretty shitty fucked up things have happened to you and just because it happened to you doesn’t make it your fault. Also, yeah have caused some shit yourself, but you have to forgive yourself Vixxy. You don’t need to forgive yourself for everything, for having a mental illness for struggling, for cutting people out your life and for living your life at the same time, but if that is what you need to move on from this Vixxy then I forgive you. You are a good person who deserves the happily ever you crave, you deserve to be loved but in order for those things to happen, you need to forgive yourself.
This is not the full letter as some of it just between me, myself and I! The next step will be burning this letter and start the healing process of letting go of the things holding me back including not being able to forgive myself.
Take care all,
Vixxy Rose
Xxx