Welcome back to crazy little things! I hope everyone is doing ok and if your not well that is ok too because you don’t have to be ok all the time as you are only human. Today I am going to go straight into the deep end while the feelings are still buzzing away on the surface. I know this is going to be emotional, its going to be hard but if I don’t get this off my chest then it is going to carry on haunting me instead of taking the steps to heal this deep pain. The thing is I am ok, I am not down or overly anxious but I feel that my eyes are open and my subconscious is telling me to deal with this pain.
So today there is no tip of the day instead I am ripping a piece of my heart out to display for you and maybe help others who feel similar to me and take those steps to mend our hearts that sometimes can feel so broken.
Why don’t you love me?
Last night I had an awful dream; it felt so fucking real and that is what probably disturbs me the most. I dreamt me and my partner got into a silly argument, then out of nowhere he just looks at me so coldly and tells me how can he love someone who is so ugly and fat and that it is over. Just like that he was ripping the world from underneath my feet but a part of me wasn’t shocked though. It felt like I have been waiting for this day to happen that he was finally letting me know how he saw me. Then it was his parting words that cut me so badly that I screamed myself awake; I am not walking away, I am running away like everyone else who gets near you.
Even with the comforting words of my partner who came to me after he heard me scream, this dream has played on my mind all fucking day.
Where did this dream come from?
Why did it happen?
Is it true, do people really run away from me?
After overthinking it over and over (because overthinking is my bloody superpower), I realized it was my subconscious speaking to me trying to shake me and face that question that I ask myself every fucking day, why don’t you love me?
Surprise, I have some mayor issues over that small but meaningful word, love. How can I not? Have I always felt love from the people who are supposed to love you no matter what? No. Have I always accepted love? No. How can I have any warm fuzzy feelings towards love when I have seen it destroy people. Have I ever truly loved myself? No.
There have been too many negatives to that word love, which has given me such a warped outlook on it. Plus I have not really known any different. Have I done some really wrong fucking things because I thought that’s how you get love? Hell yes I have. I am an attention seeker because I am craving love? Absofuckinglutely!
I have been going round this circle for 29 years and maybe I have been doing this all wrong. Instead of trying to get people to love me and to give me that love I have desperately been seeking, maybe I need to focus on providing that love for myself, and then eventually I will understand love and have the strength to not accept the wrong type of love. Because it is so true love starts at home. Do I have any clue how I am going to do this? Hmm not really but hey you have to start somewhere!