Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. For once I am going to get straight to the point instead of moaning about my week so lucky you! I will put a •TRIGGER WARNING• on this post.
Today is suicide prevention day and yes everyday should be suicide prevention day but I do think it is important that these days happen even if it gets 1 in 5 people talking about that is still making a difference. I honestly didn’t know I was going to do a post about it until last night when I just this over whelming feeling of emotions thinking about things that have attributed to my own suicidal thoughts in the past and present. So I thought I would share some of my story. I am going to do this in 2 parts past and present, past will be a normal blog post and present will be a video!!
So part one – the past.
I just wanted to be noticed.
The tittle speaks for itself really. The first time I felt suicidal I was 14 years old, I know now that was the age I started suffering from depression, you don’t know what I would give just hug that lonely girl. Even now thinking about it I can’t help getting teary because that poor girl tried to get someone to fucking see she was not ok. 14 was the first time I thought I would be better off dead then there would be no more pain. I still actually have my notebooks from when I was 14 and I struggle to read them because they are so dark and so emotional. That was the age I started cutting, the cutting wasn’t for attention the cutting was just to feel something to feel like I wasn’t invisible and that I was a person and the pain inside was real.
From the age of fourteen, I would experience tendencies of pushing things to the limit just to see if that would kill me. I remember sitting in my room at 16 with parcetamol and seeing how many it would take to kill me, would take 2 or 3 or 4 over the recommended dose to have an effect.
I started writing more and more at that age, I started writing suicide notes when I was experiencing nights of insomnia and I would there in my room in the hope someone would read them and help me.
There was so much going on in my teenage years I was in a war zone at school and came home to one so much pain surrounded me and the darkness became a part of me.
Just fucking notice me, that’s all, just see that I was not ok.
Over the years I have told people my struggles and have experienced both negative and positive reactions. When I turned 18 I lost someone who knew my demons and loved me for me and till this day that grief is still in me. My Nan was my light and for many years after her death, I never saw that light again. From previous posts you know I don’t have a good relationship with my parents and I don’t really go into too much detail but I need to share this one detail. I am holding on to anger because I told them, they knew I self-harmed I told them I was depressed over the years and I got nothing, they ignored me.
But this post is labeled the past for a reason, I can’t change what happened back then, but I can fight for my life now. I am learning to let go of that anger because I know they have their own demons. I have walked through the fire and yes I got burnt but I came out stronger, I came out as a warrior. I now know there are people who notice me and the help is out there. Even though I still have suicidal thoughts now and then I know I have got through every dark day that has come my way and can do it again and so can you.
Please reach out if you need help, you are not alone we notice you!
This is a great link to some great sercises that can help.https://www.itv.com/thismorning/suicide-prevention-helplines
Take care all,