Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I am so sick and tired! I am sick and tired of feeling like the mountain I am climbing is getting steeping and bigger with every step that I take. I am sick and tired of feeling like my body is fucking me over. I am sick and tired of having to take so much time off work, I know I have to get better but I just want to work and have some normality. I am sick and tired of the mess my family is in and I don’t see the mess getting cleaner anytime soon. Basically, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I know it seems like all I do right now is moan but I can’t keep this bottled in, I need to let this poison that is running through my system out somehow because if I don’t I fear for my mental state. I do fear better in some way each time I write, it helps the pain seem real and not some made up shit that my anxiety has cooked up, which then makes it easier to face up to and deal with. It is not easy to decipher what is real and what is not, thank you anxiety, but the more I write the easier it gets to decipher.
Am I just impatient to get better? Am I doing the right things to get out of this funk? Or have I just reached a dead end and need to find a new path? Do I deserve this?
Which leads me on to my tip of the day –
Having sins does not make you a sinner…
I am not religious but I do think the analogy of sins fits with this, we all have things that weigh heavy on us that we regret from our past. These sins like to pop up when we are at our lowest and can make us feel like we are being punished for our past, which is fucked up.
I have lied, stole and said things I can never take back but I have never claimed to be an angel. I have fucked up many things in my life and those are my sins but it doesn’t make me a sinner, no it makes me human. Our mistakes can teach us more than our achievements can. This is why we should never feel like we are being punished for doing something wrong because no one can claim they have never made a mistake.
Shame and judgment come hand in hand with a mental illness and how can we expect others to stop judging us if don’t stop judging ourselves.
Take care all,