Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Halfway through the week again I can still say it hasn’t been particularly great but not particularly bad so I guess normal with a hint of anxiety thrown in there for fun. I am getting annoyed with myself for letting my anxiety get to me as much as it has been though. For example, when my train was canceled this week I just went straight into anxiety meltdown mode, I walked straight passed reasonable thinking and ran past acting normal in public and straight into tears and over thinking. I felt like as it was happening I was looking down on myself shaking my head and telling myself to calm the fuck down but you know what, I am crap at taking my own advice. There was another train in 20 minutes but for some reason when it comes to public transport it doesn’t take me much to go from 0 to 100 when things go wrong and this happens a lot, as it is public transport!
Over thinking is the fucking worst, like I actually hate anxiety more than bipolar; I turn into an irrational moaning bitch when anxiety is in full swing, hence why I call it the bitch of anxiety. Also, it is so exhausting, I know if I had a particularly hard day with anxiety I am going to end up feeling shattered and which can then carry onto the next day. With bipolar I have a reasonable idea of what to expect with my mood cycles but with anxiety, it can hit me with a crafty left hook out of nowhere.
My tip of the day is –
We all can be assholes now and then…
Mental illness can bring out the worst in you, I know I am guilty of being a massive asshole sometimes when I in a middle of a cycle or when anxiety is in full swing. I can be short with people, I can be difficult and I can cut people out my life at the drop of a hat. Having a mental illness is not an excuse for being an asshole as how can we expect the stigma around mental illness to be squashed if we feed that stigma.
Half the time I don’t realize I am being an asshole until afterward and this where I have to take responsibility for my behavior. I call it the three A’s of owning it:
• Acknowledge – recognizing the behavior or action as being wrong.
• Apologize – tell the people who have been affected by it that you recognize it was wrong and you are sorry.
• Acceptance – I know the shame we all feel with mental illness and we all have asshole moments mental illness or not as we are only human, accept it has happened and move forward not back.
It is not an easy process and I am not perfect as I don’t do this every time I am an asshole, just ask my partner! but i am trying to and trying is always better then doing nothing.
Take care all,