Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I’m back!!!! Feels like it has been ages since I have been in my happy place but it has only been a week. I went away for a few days camping at the coast, I was originally going to write a blog post while I was away but I change my mind within seconds of arriving. How was supposed to charge my batteries’ if I was going to put that pressure on myself to try to write, but I did take my notebook with me and I did write down ideas and thoughts while I was away.
If you follow me on social media you know by now my small breakaway was just what the doctor ordered. There is something about going back to basics and being close to the sea that is so magical and so healing. I could hear my thoughts again, the fog was washed away by the waves and I feel more focused on my goals and aspirations than ever before.
Today I am going to do something a bit different; I am not going to talk about myself! *pause for gasp* no only joking! This is a post I have worked on from on and off and it is a part of me I find so hard to talk about.
Me, myself and food.
I have mentioned in passing now and then that I have some serious food issues but talking about makes me cringe inwardly, the bitch of anxiety comes out to play and I just close up and push it back down in that dark place in my mind where we keep things we just don’t feel strong enough to face.
Now that I am feeling a bit stronger, I have pulled that box out of that dark place labeled food and opened it up so I can try to sort it out, as I can’t let it go on much longer as I fear it will eventually destroy me.
So let’s open this box and see what comes out:
• Was put on a diet at the age of 10 as I started to gain weight rapidly.
• Parents criticized me about my weight and still do.
• They once bought toning belt for me when I was 13.
• I once wrote a letter to my sister at 12 asking her how I can be skinny like her.
• I was chastised as a kid for not eating my vegetables and now I have such a phobia of them that still aged 29 I can’t eat most vegetables without gagging.
• I comfort eat, which used to lead me on to self-harm afterward.
• I was once bulimic and no one around me knew.
• I feel such shame for eating junk food that I still will hide the packets.
• I used to not be able to eat in front of people; I still struggle with that from time to time.
• I refuse to look at myself fully on the mirror.
Wow seeing it wrote down like that is honestly overwhelming, like how the fuck am I going to solve this amount of food issues. Unfortunately, I have just been packing my food issues away over the years and now I don’t think I could fit them all back in the box if I tried.
So my journey begins…
Now that it is out in the open I can’t hide from it anymore I can’t pretend the problems don’t exist. So I am going back to therapy and also I have been in touch with also seeing a hypnotherapist. I don’t know where this journey will take me and I am scared shitless that I will fail but I have to try.
The funny thing I do actually love food and I love cooking but I also have a very unhealthy relationship with food and that is what needs to improve. I don’t want to cry anymore I don’t want to hate myself anymore I want this pain to end before it ends me.
Take care all,