anxiety · depression · mental health

The things I wish I could say… Dad edition!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well, it is Sunday and we all know what that means, last day in my weekend bubble 😦 I have spent most of the day either getting ready for this blog post or just relaxing in my pajamas drinking my body weight in tea because today is Father’s Day. I haven’t spent the day with my Dad or even spoken to him, yes ladies and gentleman as well as having mother issues I have father issues too. Yay me! I have tried to stay away from social media as much as I could as well today, as it just saddens me seeing people post about their dad, even people who have lost their dad makes me feel guilty that I have a dad who is alive but don’t speak too. It really isn’t as simple as picking up the phone and talking to him, I wish it was.

I know I have spoken more about my issues with my mother, the thing is the issues with my mom is something I have been dealing with for years and it’s not as fresh as my issues with my dad. So without giving you the long-winded story of my family I am going to face this the best way I know how.

This is a letter to my father.

Hey Dad,

I thought this would be easier to write as I know what I want to say but the words won’t come out, I really didn’t think we would get to this point. Do you even miss your little girl? Do you even think about me anymore? Are you just too god damn lost in this bitter world you have created for yourself? This is your mess dad mot mine or my siblings, yours. You are responsible for the choices you made and now you have to be responsible for the consequences. It fucking hurts me to the core right now but you know what? I will be ok.
You might be wondering why your kids don’t speak to you anymore and why you are spending Father’s Day without us. Dad don’t you understand the damage you have done, for you it is just a memory, for me the pain lives on. You have torn our family apart time after time and now the pieces can’t be put back together they are too damaged. You’re a alcoholic no matter how much you protest you are not, you have lied and cheated and caused so much pain but you know what dad I still fucking love you.
There was a point where I thought we would end up close but I soon realised I was just the flavor of the month because let’s be honest that’s how you treat your kids.
I have great memories of you dad because I am a lot like you, I have your humor, your big ass ears and I also have lied. But the tears I have shed from the drunken insult also by the memories I wish I could forget, soon cloud those good memories. The way you have treated my mom fuck it the whole family has caused so many casualties. In my eyes that house was a war zone at times and now we are old enough we can walk away from the war, to no longer be a casualty. I am sorry dad it has got to this, a part of me hopes things will change but that hope soon fades.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx