Sorry, not sorry!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well I am still a big ball of sweat right now and I also have the weirdest tan, 2 inches of my ankles and my arms and face, thanks work uniform! I wish they came up with an opposite version of a hot water bottle! I know there is icepacks but I can’t cuddle an icepack, hmm maybe I can fill my hot water bottle with ice water? Worth a try!
I am on a winning streak right now with my mental health, I have never felt myself for such a long period of time in such a length of time. I feel like I have battled my demons and they have fucked off to lick their wounds from their ass kicking. I know I am probably tempting fate right now as this could rapidly change and bite me in the ass, but I can’t help it I haven’t felt this good in such a long time I want to shout it from the rooftop.
Unfortunately, I can’t shout it from the rooftop I can only whisper, which isn’t fucking fair. Even though I am a lot more open with my mental health struggles on here and a select few people in my life, I am not able to be fully open. Which leads me on to my tip of the day…

Sorry, not sorry!

I am so fucking proud of the progress I have made with my mental health and with my blog; I never thought I would get to this point, ever. I have my happy place and I will never let anyone take that away from me.
The other day I was messaged on Twitter form a girl who was struggling with her mental health and telling the people around her, I didn’t know how to answer her, as some of the people in my life didn’t take it well. Also, another blog site approached me about reposting one of my posts, I was overcome with such pride and joy. I asked my partner about sharing this news on Facebook, finally come out to everyone I know about my blog and he said no don’t open that can of worms again. Basically, I told my parents about my blog not long after I started and asked them to read it, well let’s just say it didn’t go down well. I was told to take it down, they were not happy and ever since then I haven’t gone into too much detail on here because of them, I know they don’t read it but I didn’t want to risk the backlash.
Well, fuck that!
Am I sorry that my words caused pain? Yes, but not sorry that I am sharing my story to help others as well as myself.
Telling the people in your life is one of the hardest things you can go through and there is always a risk it won’t go down well but if those people can’t accept you for who you are, then its time for a sorry not sorry! Sorry they feel like that but not sorry for who you are, don’t edit yourself to fit what others think you should be.

 

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Can we moonwalk our way through life?

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Wow, this heatwave the U.K is going through is crazy, I am sweating in places I didn’t know could sweat. I wish I had more confidence in myself to wear more suitable clothes for this weather, damn you bitch of anxiety! I am having a good week though no real mood changes and not much interference from that bitch anxiety either. I am slowly getting used to being me again and it feels pretty good. I think I am finally finding that balance with my mental illness that was so desperately needed. I can spend so much time on my issues and demons, which don’t leave much time for just living. Now that I have accepted I can’t change the past and I need to stop letting it affect my present and future. I am the only author in my story.
I know it is not always going to feel this easy and I know there is still battles to come and they may come off as negative but to me it is realistic. I am cured of bipolar and anxiety as there is no cure, I am just trying to leave in harmony with my mental illness as it is a part of me and there is nothing I can change about that.

So let’s move on to my tip of the day before the day is over with!

Can we moonwalk our way through life?

I feel I have spent the last few months going through low cycle after low cycle with the occasional manic cycle thrown in there to spice things up. But now I am free falling I am I no longer have those chains on me from my anxiety and bipolar I am able to see the joy in life once again. No matter how much this is scary as hell it is also so peaceful to have my mind back from my demons. I wouldn’t have got here without going through the bad shit first though. My path is still unclear, and even though I feel like I take two steps forward and one step back from time to time, maybe those steps back are necessary to redirect us.
So a step in any direction whether its forward or back or left or right it’s a step and that step will eventually lead you in the right direction.
If you wanted to moonwalk your steps for fuck sake that’s ok its your journey it’s your choice.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Find out how fucking amazing you are!

 

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I know it has been longer than normal but I took my own advice from my last post and I shook things up a bit and let my bubble be filled with glitter. I went out on Friday night with some friends for drinks, not only is it something outside my usual routine it also involved being around people I didn’t know. Even after an anxiety attack literally minutes before I was due to go out, I didn’t give in I wiped my tears, took a deep breath and went out with my head held high.
You know what, there was no big disaster caused by me breaking out my bubble I survived, no that’s wrong, I lived my life instead of just surviving in my bubble and I had a good night. So it really is worth shaking things up once in a while and escaping that bubble.

So its Sunday, my favourite day of the week, I even have a t-shirt now to prove it! Most people think I am nuts for loving Sunday over Friday because it is Monday tomorrow. Why give Sunday so much hate. It is a day to recharge and a perfect day for self-care to get you ready for the week ahead. Also, the perfect day to spend in your pajamas!

So my tip of the day is – Find out how fucking amazing you are!

I am my worst hater, nothing anyone can say to me I haven’t already said to myself. I am the first to tell myself what is wrong with me and use it against me during the good times.
So my new task this week is to write a fucking amazing list. You all know how I like my lists! So once a day, all week I am going to write down one thing a day that I find amazing about myself. Now it is harder then it seems, it can’t be something that I have done or achieved but just something about me that is already there. For example, it could be I have a great sense of humor or I have a great ass. Something I can look back on next Sunday and go “damn I am fucking amazing’. As always you are welcome to join in and tell me what you find amazing about yourself.

 

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Sometimes you need to shake things up!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well for once I can say it has not been the bitch of anxiety kicking my ass this week, it has been this high pollen I am a wheezy sneezy red-eyed mess right now! And what did my doctor advised me to do “ don’t go outside” erm how I am supposed to get to work, dig a tunnel? Actually not a bad idea!
Well, I love how easy it was to get an appointment to talk about my hayfever compared to me trying to get a new appointment to see my psychologist, still trying its been months. I feel I have just been diagnosed and then left to it to deal with it, honestly, I feel forgotten about, it really is a good job I have you guys to help me along with my journey.
So this week has had some ups and downs but more ups than downs, the bitch of anxiety seems to of shut up and also no mood cycle seems to be looming so I am back to plain old me. I am still getting used to this feeling of just being me again its weird as fuck, but why is that? Am I to use to giving control to my mental illness? Have I lost myself along the way? Will I always feel like this?
If you have ever experienced this please leave a comment below and let me know how you have dealt with that feeling.

So my tip of the day is – Sometimes you need to shake things up!

While I have been setting up my new writing area, a fancy way of saying desk, but hey it makes me feel special. I bought this lovely cactus snowglobe because I have a thing for cactuses at the moment, I have them everywhere at the moment. It is so peaceful and calm in the globe and then you shake it and then an explosion of glitter rains down on the cactus disturbing the serenity. Then it hit me, I am the bloody cactus in the snowglobe. I put myself in the bubble now and then mostly at the weekend and I will refuse to do things to stay in that bubble. Am I doing myself more harm than good?
Now and then I need to shake It up let the glitter rain down and yes it may put me out my comfort zone but once the glitter has settled no harm is done I am still the same cactus in the snowglobe.
It is so easy to get caught up in a safe routine but how are we supposed to improve or try new things again doing the same thing in that bubble. So now and then give that bubble a shake and see what the rain of glitter can bring you.

 

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

The things I wish I could say… Dad edition!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well, it is Sunday and we all know what that means, last day in my weekend bubble 😦 I have spent most of the day either getting ready for this blog post or just relaxing in my pajamas drinking my body weight in tea because today is Father’s Day. I haven’t spent the day with my Dad or even spoken to him, yes ladies and gentleman as well as having mother issues I have father issues too. Yay me! I have tried to stay away from social media as much as I could as well today, as it just saddens me seeing people post about their dad, even people who have lost their dad makes me feel guilty that I have a dad who is alive but don’t speak too. It really isn’t as simple as picking up the phone and talking to him, I wish it was.

I know I have spoken more about my issues with my mother, the thing is the issues with my mom is something I have been dealing with for years and it’s not as fresh as my issues with my dad. So without giving you the long-winded story of my family I am going to face this the best way I know how.

This is a letter to my father.

Hey Dad,

I thought this would be easier to write as I know what I want to say but the words won’t come out, I really didn’t think we would get to this point. Do you even miss your little girl? Do you even think about me anymore? Are you just too god damn lost in this bitter world you have created for yourself? This is your mess dad mot mine or my siblings, yours. You are responsible for the choices you made and now you have to be responsible for the consequences. It fucking hurts me to the core right now but you know what? I will be ok.
You might be wondering why your kids don’t speak to you anymore and why you are spending Father’s Day without us. Dad don’t you understand the damage you have done, for you it is just a memory, for me the pain lives on. You have torn our family apart time after time and now the pieces can’t be put back together they are too damaged. You’re a alcoholic no matter how much you protest you are not, you have lied and cheated and caused so much pain but you know what dad I still fucking love you.
There was a point where I thought we would end up close but I soon realised I was just the flavor of the month because let’s be honest that’s how you treat your kids.
I have great memories of you dad because I am a lot like you, I have your humor, your big ass ears and I also have lied. But the tears I have shed from the drunken insult also by the memories I wish I could forget, soon cloud those good memories. The way you have treated my mom fuck it the whole family has caused so many casualties. In my eyes that house was a war zone at times and now we are old enough we can walk away from the war, to no longer be a casualty. I am sorry dad it has got to this, a part of me hopes things will change but that hope soon fades.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

When your mind has too many fucking tabs open…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Today was a good day and I have been pretty good most of this week and what I was unaware of was the bitch of anxiety was hiding around the corner, tonight I have had a massive anxiety attack this is why this blog post is later than planned. I have had a massive anxiety attack this evening triggered by something so small to the outside world but to me, it wasn’t. The thoughts of self-harm and despair and hopelessness have soon washed away the feelings of hope and joy.
FUCK!!!!! I really don’t want to do battle with the bitch of anxiety I am so tired and I really don’t like my mind right now. What is wrong with me why can’t I just function for just one day?
I am tired of dealing with anxiety and I am tired of moaning about it I feel like a broken record that just keeps playing the same song over and over again. I want a new song I want a song that will make me dance like no one is watching, is that too much to ask?

So my tip of the day is – When your mind has too many fucking tabs open…

What I write is not pretty but it is always pure, it comes from my raw feelings and I have to do it this way becaUse I want to put across my journey with mental health as accurate as possible.

I know I am vulnerable right now and have started slipping down that slope towards a depression cycle and it scares the shit out of me but I won’t go down without a fight I will dig my heels in and hold on tight. That bitch of anxiety has texted her good friend depression to pop on over for a visit without my permission, told you she was a bitch. It feels like my mind has too many tabs open and I am trying to think about all things at once and when I think I have closed a tab anxiety opens another, no I don’t want to look at things I can’t afford anxiety and I definitely don’t want to look at videos of my top 10 embarrassing moments. Anxiety likes to prey on you when you feel you have lost control of a situation no matter how small it may be.
I know I am not the only one out there dealing with this right now so that is why I urge you to hold on tight please I know it hurts and I know you are tired I am too, but the stars are still there behind the dark cloud you will see them again.
Put your self-care into action get your mental health toolbox out and fucking show those demons who is boss.

We all fall down
We live somehow
We learn what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger

 Sharp edges – Linkin Park

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Write it, see it, do it!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Today felt like Monday decided it wanted to another turn this week, even though that bitch of anxiety seems to of lost her voice, she has left a mark. I have such a heavy feeling on my chest because of it. Everything I seem to do today from forgetting my lunch to not being able to energy to organize my paperwork has the same reply from the back of my mind, “because you are a failer” I know this is just the bitch of anxiety but it’s my mind how can I ignore that!
That part of my mind that knows I am strong and not a failure has been telling that bitch of anxiety to fuck off but things like that leave a stain on your heart.
Am I a failure? Am I destined to fail my way through life?
Hell fucking no, I wouldn’t be here writing to you lovely lot if I was such a failure would I. Sometimes I have to remind myself the things I have battled through to shake myself from the grips of anxiety hence why I keep a lot of lists.

I have survived:
• Bullying
• Abusive partner
• Self-arming
• Being homeless
• Turbulent family life
• Eating disorder
• Traumatic ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage
• The death of my Nan
• Losing my best friends
• Being diagnosed with PCOS
• Being diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety

I have survived it all and I am still surviving, yes I struggle but I am only human. The things we survive can be our weakness but can also be another piece of our armor to battle through life with. I guess it can be as simple is your glass half full or half empty outlook.

So my tip of the day – Write it, see it, do it!

I need to start taking a few more risks in life as the kids would say be a bit YOLO (I cringed at that word), but I am no good at taking risks, that’s the curse of over thinking. But I feel I am not living life, I am just surviving and that is no way to live every single day.
So I am going to set myself a target and I hope you all can join me with this, I am going to write it, see it, do it! I am going to write on a post-it note and put on my mirror every month something I want to do but over think I every time and don’t end up doing. For me it’s going to be:
• Write it – write down getting my hair cut
• See it – acknowledging I need to do it, not next month but that month.
• Do it – get it done, fight through the bitch of anxiety.

It’s not going to be easy but I am going to try!
If you do try it yourself please leave a comment to let me know how you get on.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx