anxiety · depression · mental health

The things I wish I could say…

wisdom.jpg

Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I know I still haven’t really been as relevant and present like I said I would but life has been taking over and after my manic cycle my energy levels have been none existent. I have slept so much this week and it is new to me to have more then 5 hours sleep a night so I am taking it while I can, as I know it won’t last.

This week has been hard one, dealing with death can bring up so many emotions and questions. It has made me appreciate my partner so much more, considering it was his Nan that passed he was such a pillar of strength for everyone around him. But they do say you sometimes have to go through the bad things to be able to see the good things.Siting there today hearing all the incredible words said about his nan and how much she was a wonderful mother and grandmother, she was the glue that held their family together, I was consumed with sadness.

See I don’t have a good relationship with my mom, actually I don’t have a relationship at all with my mom, so when the minister said, “we should never turn our back on family” I felt grief, grief for someone that is still alive, grief for a broken fucked up family and grief for something that will never be.

I knew tonight I needed to get this out and I have been working on a post about my relationship with my mom this week for a future post, so I see this as fate.No tip of the day today and I don’t want to give to much detail into my relationship with my mom, no this is just a letter, a letter I wish I could send.

Dear Mom.

I don’t know if I can even call you that anymore, because we may be mother and daughter by blood but at the moment that is all that ties us together. Lets face it we have always been broken, we have never had a normal mother and daughter relationship.

I feel like I mourn for something that I never had. I wanted nothing more then to have you in my life, to have a mom to hold me when the tears fell and protect me when the nightmares took over. I may be 29 but I am still your little girl remember, I needed you mom but you needed him.

I begged and I pleaded for you to choose us, I told you he would be your downfall didn’t I?I know what you are going to say, I am forgetting the good times like the presents and the holidays and the birthdays but that’s just materialistic, I wanted your time, your care, your love that’s all I ever wanted, to be able to know when I fall you would be there to catch me.

But you know what mom I still love you and I try so hard not too but when I look in the mirror all I see is your eyes staring back at me, maybe one day mom we will be mother and daughter.

Take care all

Vixxy rose

Xxx

10 thoughts on “The things I wish I could say…

  1. Even when they go unsent, such letters can be healthy to write. It helps to get it out. I went years without speaking to my mother. We are back in touch, but I have to accept it will never be the type of relationship that I want. For one there is just too much baggage there, and denial on her part. “I’m sorry”, are words I won’t ever hear from her about the past.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow I can relate to what you have said so much and I believe until I can accept myself that I will never have the type of relationship with my mother that I want I am not ready for a real at all. I’m the same I will never get a “I’m sorry” ever.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I keep my walls up. and I definitely try to avoid any conversations about the past, especially childhood. There is just no point, they end up being about making HER feel better. Somehow she manages to try to evoke forgiveness without actually taking any blame. With my boundaries set I am able to spend time with her now without it affecting my mental health as long as I limit contact when I’m not feeling strong or when I start having nightmares.

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  2. Oh no I feel so sad for you. A mother’s love is very important to every child. Am sorry that happened to you and your mum but keep praying for her and keep loving her. She might need you more that you know. And try to reach out if possible. Much love ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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