Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I know I still haven’t really been as relevant and present like I said I would but life has been taking over and after my manic cycle my energy levels have been none existent. I have slept so much this week and it is new to me to have more then 5 hours sleep a night so I am taking it while I can, as I know it won’t last.
This week has been hard one, dealing with death can bring up so many emotions and questions. It has made me appreciate my partner so much more, considering it was his Nan that passed he was such a pillar of strength for everyone around him. But they do say you sometimes have to go through the bad things to be able to see the good things.Siting there today hearing all the incredible words said about his nan and how much she was a wonderful mother and grandmother, she was the glue that held their family together, I was consumed with sadness.
See I don’t have a good relationship with my mom, actually I don’t have a relationship at all with my mom, so when the minister said, “we should never turn our back on family” I felt grief, grief for someone that is still alive, grief for a broken fucked up family and grief for something that will never be.
I knew tonight I needed to get this out and I have been working on a post about my relationship with my mom this week for a future post, so I see this as fate.No tip of the day today and I don’t want to give to much detail into my relationship with my mom, no this is just a letter, a letter I wish I could send.
I don’t know if I can even call you that anymore, because we may be mother and daughter by blood but at the moment that is all that ties us together. Lets face it we have always been broken, we have never had a normal mother and daughter relationship.
I feel like I mourn for something that I never had. I wanted nothing more then to have you in my life, to have a mom to hold me when the tears fell and protect me when the nightmares took over. I may be 29 but I am still your little girl remember, I needed you mom but you needed him.
I begged and I pleaded for you to choose us, I told you he would be your downfall didn’t I?I know what you are going to say, I am forgetting the good times like the presents and the holidays and the birthdays but that’s just materialistic, I wanted your time, your care, your love that’s all I ever wanted, to be able to know when I fall you would be there to catch me.
But you know what mom I still love you and I try so hard not too but when I look in the mirror all I see is your eyes staring back at me, maybe one day mom we will be mother and daughter.
Take care all