The things I wish I could say…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I know I still haven’t really been as relevant and present like I said I would but life has been taking over and after my manic cycle my energy levels have been none existent. I have slept so much this week and it is new to me to have more then 5 hours sleep a night so I am taking it while I can, as I know it won’t last.

This week has been hard one, dealing with death can bring up so many emotions and questions. It has made me appreciate my partner so much more, considering it was his Nan that passed he was such a pillar of strength for everyone around him. But they do say you sometimes have to go through the bad things to be able to see the good things.Siting there today hearing all the incredible words said about his nan and how much she was a wonderful mother and grandmother, she was the glue that held their family together, I was consumed with sadness.

See I don’t have a good relationship with my mom, actually I don’t have a relationship at all with my mom, so when the minister said, “we should never turn our back on family” I felt grief, grief for someone that is still alive, grief for a broken fucked up family and grief for something that will never be.

I knew tonight I needed to get this out and I have been working on a post about my relationship with my mom this week for a future post, so I see this as fate.No tip of the day today and I don’t want to give to much detail into my relationship with my mom, no this is just a letter, a letter I wish I could send.

Dear Mom.

I don’t know if I can even call you that anymore, because we may be mother and daughter by blood but at the moment that is all that ties us together. Lets face it we have always been broken, we have never had a normal mother and daughter relationship.

I feel like I mourn for something that I never had. I wanted nothing more then to have you in my life, to have a mom to hold me when the tears fell and protect me when the nightmares took over. I may be 29 but I am still your little girl remember, I needed you mom but you needed him.

I begged and I pleaded for you to choose us, I told you he would be your downfall didn’t I?I know what you are going to say, I am forgetting the good times the holidays, the birthdays but that’s just materialistic, I wanted your time, your care, your love that’s all I ever wanted, to be able to know when I fall you would be there to catch me.

But you know what mom I still love you and I try so hard not too but when I look in the mirror all I see is your eyes staring back at me, maybe one day mom we will be mother and daughter.

Take care all

Vixxy rose

Xxx

Never fall in line!

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I know I have not been as present on here like I usually I am, the reason behind that is I have been dealing with a manic cycle. I have used a lot of energy to try to keep myself grounded, which took up a lot of my time. Now that whirlwind seems to behind me I can focus on things again, during my manic cycle my concentration and focus is flying in all different directions so it is quite hard to keep it pointing in one direction.
I am exhausted though, after feeling like my mind was trying to pull me in so many directions I feel like I could sleep for a month at least. On a good note though I feel after this whirlwind of a cycle my feet have landed firmly on the ground, reading to start walking again on my path. I have never felt myself this soon after a cycle and I am ready to fight, fight this crazy thing could life.
If you haven’t noticed but no Sunday moaning today, that’s because I get to stay in my bubble one more day as tomorrow is a bank holiday, bonus pajama day whoop!

So my tip of the day – Never fall in line!

With today’s society, it is easy to find something or someone who criticizes who we are and tries to tell us who we should be. We can’t escape what is so accessible with just a touch of a button.
Girls should like pink and should want to be a princess and should wait for their prince charming. Boys should like blue and go find a princess to rescue, people with mental illness should look crazy, firstly how do even fucking do that! Go round licking windows?? Wear a straight jacket?? We should do this diet or that diet where you only eat dust.
“You are not married or have kids yet, there must be something wrong with you?” Oh, fuck off! For a world that is so advanced in so many ways, we are still so backward. No one has the right to tell you how to live your life.If you want to run around in a tutu sprinkling glitter on strangers, you do you, never fall in line. I should be able to write without fear or judgment, but with every blog post, there is a part of me waiting for a troll to criticize my words, my content and my grammar.
Well for future haters I will never fall in line.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

I am not afraid anymore…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. It has been a few days since I have posted because I have been getting my shit together, I am been getting my life in order, well improving it from chaos to organized chaos. I realize now I was in a bit of a slump of self-pity, adding baggage to the already overflowing baggage I have been carrying around me for years.
They say that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can rebuild again, well I decided I didn’t want to put myself at risk of going to that place, I needed to rebuild now. So I am wiping away the cobwebs, no I am setting that self-pity wheel in flames and letting the beauty come out of the ashes.

My tip of the day – I am not afraid anymore…

Sometimes we need to look our demons in the eye and say I am not afraid anymore. Well, I am not saying we have actual scary looking beasts chained to us following us around everywhere we go, because wow that would be scary!
I am saying that we can tell those pesky demons like:

• Anxiety
• PTSD
• Depression
• Bipolar
• Flashbacks
• Stigma

Whatever you have following you round in your life, you can show you are no longer afraid by the actions you decide to take. Whether it is talking to that shop assistant about returning your item you are telling your anxiety “fuck you”, by you getting up, showering and getting dressed you are telling your depression “fuck you”, by sharing your story you are telling stigma “fuck you”. No matter how small your first step is it is a massive “fuck you” to that demon dragging you down.

So I hope the rest of your week is full of fuck yous!

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

What is lost can be found…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. In my weekend bubble and loving it! It has only been a day and my anxiety and irritability that has ruled my mind and life this week has dissipated a little. I honestly thought my weekend bubble wouldn’t be able to fix that, I was on the edge of giving up this week, as I just couldn’t see myself winning this battle and I was tired, so damn tired of feeling like a prisoner to my own mind.

This is one of the main problems with bipolar, swinging from feeling nothing to feeling everything can be exhausting and terrifying. It is like being stuck on a swing not being able to jump off, all you can do is keep pushing yourself forward in the hope one day you will be able to slam your feet back onto the ground.
Trying to explain to people that yes, it is a mental illness but it can also affect me physically, I can get heart palpitations, sweating, twitching and exhaustion. Isn’t it crazy how we can hide all of that with a smile!

Anyway on with my tip of the day – What is lost can be found…

We all can feel like that, can’t we? Lost.Wondering around in the dark not knowing where to turn or to keep on going, but what is lost can be found.

We all can feel like that, can’t we? Wondering around in the dark not knowing where to turn or to keep on going, but what is lost can be found. We might have to wait and rest before we find our way again but hope can be just around the corner.
I see it like this when we lose our keys and we search everywhere, under the sofa, coat pockets, turn our bags inside out and still no luck. Then when we stop for a minute and give our mind time to catch up there they are on the coffee table where we left them. Sometimes we need to take a step back and recharge and then we can find our way again.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

What I have learned so far in my mental health journey…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. I am tired, anxious and irritated, so as you can imagine it is a joy to be me and even around me right now. The bitch of anxiety has come out from under her rock with her bag of tricks to annoy me with during this manic cycle, yay me. I am at that point where someone could just say breathe too loudly near me and I want to rip their head off and then my anxiety reminds me what a bad person I am, so can’t win right now with my mind.
Anyway enough about me and my issues with wanting to rip heads off people whom breathe too loudly. I would like to say on a positive note that I have noticed and loved the amazing tweets and blog posts to do with mental health awareness week. So many people out there opening up and doing an amazing job in raising awareness and kicking the stigma attached to it in the arse! Kudos to you all!

My mental health awareness blog post is:

What I have learned so far in my mental health journey

This is what I have learned so far:

Many life lemons are thrown. I am constantly learning, adapting and improving. Those damn life lemons that you are supposed to turn into lemonade are irritating as hell and sometimes the lemon can hit you in the face or even knock you down. When that does happen it’s about learning to dust yourself off stamp on that lemon if you must and carry on.
You can lose a battle but doesn’t mean you will lose the war. I haven’t won every battle I have had with my mental health journey, I still have a long way to go in my eyes. But I know I have won battles along the way as I no longer self-harm, I am able to recognize the patterns in my cycles and I have my save place (my blog).
You are not alone. A big thing I have learned with my mental health journey, there are complete strangers who are willing to support you and help you when you need it. Those people really do help put up a middle finger to the stigma attached to mental illness.
There is no one size fits all. We are not meant to be clones we are individuals. Something may work for others but doesn’t mean it works for you. For example, I am a big believer in natural medication but that doesn’t mean that will work for others. Comparing our journeys to other people’s can hinder our own journey, crossing paths is ok but following someone else’s path could lead you in the wrong direction.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

There is no reset button

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. My weekend bubble is about to burst and it will be Monday before we know it, I know that nearly every week I complain about this and every week a get on with things and go to work and do the “normal” things. The thing is that I am honestly starting to think that it is just a matter of time before I stick up my fingers to another job. I just think the more cycles I go through the more I am slowly starting to lose touch with reality, because if I can lose myself, I can lose my place in this world, can’t I?
Well, that is what is on my mind, as you can tell, it is not butterflies and rainbows or even a big stormy mess, more like a jigsaw that is being put together but some of the pieces are lost. This means I just have to dig down deep gather my strength and carry on until I do find those lost jigsaw pieces.

This leads me on to my tip of the day – There is no reset button.

If I was honest with myself and with you all I, I think about suicide a lot, it crosses my mind more often than I would like. Sometimes it is because I want to fade into the darkness other times is because I just want to reset this all in hope things would be different.
But life doesn’t come with a reset button.
We can’t rewind the past and we can’t fast forward to the future we can only live here is the present and yeah sometimes it is fucking hard and sometimes it is fucking great. At the end of the day we have only one button in life and that is play.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Don’t ask me that.

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. HELLO WEEKEND!!! And hello my weekend bubble, I got new pajamas to celebrate today and was even able to shop without extreme anxiety, so it is a double self-high-five for me today. I am so glad to be away from the working week for a couple of days, I need me time desperately. Since I have been feeling so disconnected from the real me recently, it is time to put me in the driving seat, work on things that will make me happy, not my bipolar or anxiety, just me.

So I am going to fill my weekend with little snippets of Vicky joy and make sure I make the most of my weekend as I feel a manic cycle heading towards me, so I don’t want to lose this time I have with myself without it being clouded with mental illness.

Let’s get the ball rolling with today’s post and have a little look at something that ignites a fire in all of our blood…

Don’t ask me that.

We all have experienced this at some point and it can cause irritation, eye rolls, and let’s not forget sarcastic replies. There are some questions that people can ask us that is like the equivalent of nails down a chalkboard. Sometimes there are generally harmless and with curiosity but there is the occasional time they are asked with ignorance.

Questions like these for example:

Are you just being dramatic?
Do you think it is just in your head?
Is depression just like being sad?
Are you crazy?
Do you think God is just punishing you?
How do you seem so normal?
I could go on, feel free to add yours in the comments. Do people expect us to wear badges saying I am crazy or just sat in a corner somewhere rocking and crying? These are the times we have to be the bigger person, instead of lashing out. There is still a lot of stigma attached with mental health so answering these questions can seem annoying but is necessary in helping to end the stigma attached to mental illness. As you never know the person asking those questions may be dealing with a mental illness and is afraid to get help because of said stigma and your answer may be the push that they need to get help.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx