Think about that

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you’re not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. The weekend will be over in a couple of hours and I am again already feeling slight anxiety for Monday morning, I hate leaving my bubble. I sometimes wonder in my pajamas cuddle each other because they miss me as much as I miss them. It’s especially difficult considering how next weekend I won’t be in my bubble at all as I am off on a camping weekend but I am looking forward to a few days unplugged from the world with my partner and amazing friends.
Well, my mood overall has been good, no storm on the horizon but still have that ache in my heart that I can’t seem to shake off.
Every song I listen to the lyrics speaks to that ache. I was getting ready to go out Saturday afternoon when a song came on my playlist and it just knocked me down. I was overcome with so many emotions: anger, sadness, hurt and before I knew it I was writing along to the song. I was finally getting off my chest some of the things I have wanted to say to certain people.

So thank you Jessie J for the song; “Think about that” it has truly helped me find a way of unlocking some of the pain. Link for the song found below, I hope you find it as inspiring as I did to write your own “think about that”. See it as writing a letter to the people who have wronged you and caused you pain that has imprinted on your life.

Tip of the day – Think about that

Think about the times you made me out to be the bad one, the liar
Think about the times you faked it to the world
Painted this perfect picture, but it was far from it

Think about the times you blamed me
Think about the times you left me out in the cold
One by one you have turned on us all
Think about that

Was it all worth it?
The lies on top of lies
Think about that

Think about the times you told me I was not good enough
Think about the times I came to you for help
Told you my mind was against me
Only to be ignored
Think about that

When you needed me I was there
Through it all I was there
Think about the fact this family has been destroyed
That’s what happens when you build a life on lies

Think about how you chose not to listen
Think about how you put your own needs before us
You knew you could lose us
Now what do you have
Nothing
Think about that.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

What I have learned in 365 days

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Well, guess who has been blogging for nearly a year! Since my first post on here on the 25th of April 2017 I haven’t looked back. This is probably, no actually the best decision I have ever made during a manic episode. Even after my very first post, the pure relief I felt was magical and over time this blog has turned into my happy place.
Over these last 365 days my blog has changed along with me and through the darkest of storms and the brightest of days, it’s been there like a best friend supporting me through it all.

So what I have learned in 365 days

I am not alone, the people I have connected with on here have been amazing to me that I can’t really find the right words to describe my gratitude. The support from other bloggers has turned this once lonely girl who felt so misunderstood into someone who feels like they have a place in this world, at last.
More needs to be done. As well as feeling like I am not so alone in this world, I also have learned through this journey that not only do I have a lot to learn about my own mental illness but so does the rest of the world. There is still a lot of stigma out there and the funding and support from local governments is lacking and even though a lot of people are getting the help they need a lot of people still aren’t.
Strength can be silent; many of us don’t see the times where we show bravery. Strength is speaking up about your mental health, strength is never giving up during the dark days, strength is learning to take a break when you need one from life and focusing on self-care.
Most importantly I may not think this all the time but I have been thinking this more and more since I started the blog, things will be okay. I have such hope not only for myself but for others out there too battling with their minds that one day we will find peace in this world.

Thank you again to all who have supported me through this last 365 days.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Who am I?

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you not, well that is ok too as you’re only human. Sunday evening is trickling down to nothing soon it will be Monday morning before we know it. As I say every week I hate leaving my weekend bubble, yes that is because I love being in my pajamas and drinking my body weight in tea. It is also because Monday morning is the first day of the week you have to put that mask on. I have no choice but to wear that “I’m ok” mask as my job involves making sure people who are more vulnerable then myself, are ok. I have to act my ass off some days but Mondays are always the worst.
Anyway enough of my usual Sunday evening moaning, I hope everyone has had a great weekend whether that’s been just chilling on the sofa watching Netflix or catching up with friends at a bar, I hope it has been great. I have learned one thing this weekend and that is picking a shade of paint for your lounge is made harder when you have anxiety and there are 20 different shades of teal!

Today’s post is all about that question that many people ask themselves:

Who am I?

Who am I? Am I the person that people label me?
• Crazy
• Bitch
• Selfish
• Cold
• Unsociable
• Fat
• Broken

Or am I:
• Smart
• Confused
• Funny
• Angry
• Misunderstood

Maybe I am all those things, maybe I am not. The only person that can dictate to us who we are is ourselves. I have bipolar and I have anxiety I have fucked up relationships with my family and don’t even get me started on my food issues but that does not define who I am. Labels are for jars not for people.
We spend our life’s being put into boxes, from the reading group we get put into at school to being labeled the black sheep of the family.
People can have an opinion of you but that doesn’t mean they know you, they haven’t walked in your shoes and they never will. It is so easy to take on other people’s opinions as our own.
Who am I? well, it can change on a daily basis, one day I can be strong and brave, a force to reckoned with, then other days I am fearful and in need of protection.
Who we are is down to us and us alone.

it’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you.

Rachel Dawes – Batman begins

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Being on the outside

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you are not, well that is ok too as your only human. Halfway through the working week and I am feeling like on a damn seesaw. Even though I feel like the low cycle storm has finished, I feel like there is still some pain there eating away at me. This has nothing to do with my bipolar or my anxiety but something I know that it keeps triggering me.
I turned round to my partner and I told him my biggest fear is that this pain is going to haunt me to the day I die. Everything I do, every happy memory past and future is going to have a permanent black smudge over it.
What can I do?

I have been to therapy about this in the past and since then the situation has just got worse and worse and now I am at a lost of what to do with this pain.

So I am going do what I do best, write. Let the pain drip into my words and let that give me some relief from this open wound in my heart that I can’t seem to close.

Tip of the day – being on the outside isn’t so bad.

Toxic friendships, toxic families, and toxic relationships all have one thing in common, and that is simply that they are toxic. Love shouldn’t come with a price you shouldn’t have to suffer for someone’s love and some people are just not worthy of your love. For me I have learned family doesn’t always mean blood and having to step away from most of my own family is hard. It does mean though I will no longer be poisoned by the toxic behavior.
I am finding out being on the outside looking in isn’t so bad anymore, I can be who I want to be without people who shouldn’t judge me, judging me. Stepping away isn’t easy but if you are already on the outside is it worth the fight to get on the inside? Ask yourself should you really be fighting to get into somewhere to be with the people who put you out?

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Where is my mojo?

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you not, well that is ok too as your only human. I don’t know what I dislike more; Sunday evenings or Monday mornings, I know I say this every week but I am really not ready for Monday. Even though I feel the storm is passing and I can feel the sun shining through the last remaining clouds, something is not quite right. You know that feeling where you think you are ok but you are not so convinced, it’s like finishing a jigsaw and realizing that there is a piece missing.
Did the storm blow away a piece of me?
Was this piece missing before the storm?
Or is the piece just misplaced?
Where is my mojo?

Many people can assume when a low or manic cycle is over we are dancing on cloud nine but that is not always the case. You just can’t go from feeling empty or hyper to the joys of spring, it is not a switch we can control.

Tip of the day – Getting your mojo back!

Even though people with bipolar or any other mental illness can learn to live with these conditions, it doesn’t make us an expert on them. After a bad spout with my mental health, it can take me a while to recover from it, my mojo goes missing and without the proper self-care it can easily head me back in the direction I have just come from instead of forward.
So when things settle with your mind after a bad turn, be gentle with yourself don’t rush ahead like a headless chicken because if you are not careful you can end up going back to that place you don’t want to be.
So the storm is over but the battle can still be ongoing don’t forget that you still probably need as much self-care or help as you did before. Also, don’t forget to celebrate that victory!
• Get yourself the book you wanted
• Make plans with some friends
• Just do something that makes you happy

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

I wonder if…

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you not, well that is ok too as your only human. Here we are then Wednesday, well it feels more like Monday part 3 because is it just me or is this week going extra slow. I am still under the dark clouds and I am finding it a little harder to get out of this storm, so that may be the reason why this week is dragging. I actually stopped one morning this week on the way to work, why am I doing this, I thought, why do I keep fighting? Is more than this, more than this pain?
Please don’t read this wrong, I am not low I am just tired and I need to rest, fighting your mind on a daily basis is exhausting and don’t we all deserve a break now and then. I want to turn the shadows that haunt me, into something beautiful and meaningful.
Maybe it will help to unpack one of the pieces of baggage I carry around me. I am going to take my story and use it, be the light in the darkness for others lost in the dark with me.

My tip of the day – I wonder if…

I wrote this sentence the other day in my notebook when I consumed by a thought that seems to be stuck on a loop in my mind and this one sentence set me free. By writing down the things that take up a lot of space, it helped me accept this is how I feel and now I can find a way on from that wonder.
So write down what you wonder, whether it is;
• I wonder if they ever loved me
• I wonder if I will always be lost
• I wonder if I will ever belong
• I wonder if I will be happy
• I wonder if I will get that job

Whatever it is that lays heavy on your heart, write it down. Take back control and set yourself free with a paper and pen because you never know, that wonder could be that thing holding you back.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Keep hope alive

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is feeling ok and if you not, well that is ok too as your only human. Well, here I am Sunday night eating cookies and drinking tea trying to forget it is Monday tomorrow. I just want to stay in my bubble; my bubble is safe and comfy. I don’t want to go back into society again where a lot of my anxiety triggers lay in wait for me to walk on by so they can pounce on my back and ruin my day. But I guess I have to be brave and strong and push past those feelings because if I didn’t there is a good chance I would end up a shut-in and only leaving the house if an ice-cream van drives past.

Anyway, I am rambling as usual, let’s get on with the blog post. I have been thinking a lot this weekend about how little believe I can have in myself because of the way anxiety can just take over my thought process. I started this weekend self-loathing and honestly wondering how I can’t do this anymore, I am tired of fighting my own mind but then I won a battle I thought I would never win.
Fuck all those thoughts and fuck anxiety I pushed forward and this weekend turned out to be a pretty good one and slowly but surely those thoughts went from screaming in my mind to the occasional whisper.

So my tip of the day is – There isn’t one!

Today instead of giving you a tip, I want to give you something else I want to tell you all that since I have started this blog you all have helped me so much. So instead of a tip, I am going to give you all what you gave me, hope. But what is hope?
Hope is no matter how low or manic you are feeling that it won’t last forever.
Hope is being heard when you have struggled to find your voice.
Hope is knowing that deep down you do possess the strength to get through life.
Hope is not always feeling scared of when anxiety will pop in for a visit.
Hope is one day not worrying that we no longer have the stigma towards mental illness.

Also, hope is you all out there supporting one another and finding connections with people you normally wouldn’t in your everyday life. So let’s keep hope alive people.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx