Me, myself and bipolar

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Hey everyone

IT’S FRIDAY!!!! WELL DONE EVERYONE WE MADE IT, SELF-HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND, oops got carried away with the caps lock there, sorry. I hope everyone is doing ok, what about me I hear you ask, well if it was physically possible to punch this week in the face then I would be doing that right now. Apart from that, I am here, I got a few emotional bruises from this week but bruises fade with time. Riding the storm of a low cycle is going to cause bruises and bumps its inevitable so the recovery of self-care is so important. Self-care does not need always need to be time-consuming, it can be as easy as carrying a notebook with you (or 5 like me). It can be taking time to yourself for 10 minutes when you feel the wind from the storm picking up or reaching out for that umbrella being offered by a friend.
Self-care comes in many different forms and it is not a one size fits all situation, as you’re an individual, try a few things and see what suits you and your needs, not someone else’s.

So it is world bipolar day and obviously, I thought I would do a post about my journey with bipolar. I could give you whole spiel of the facts and figures; you know there are 3 forms of bipolar cyclothymia, bipolar type 1 and bipolar type 2. I could tell about the mania and the depression or the fact that between 30% of people with bipolar end up trying to commit suicide. I could tell you people with bipolar struggle maintaining relationships and even jobs. I could tell you there has been some really fucking successful people who have bipolar, like Carrie Fisher, Russell Brand, Demi Lovato and Frank Bruno to name a few.

My journey so far…
Being diagnosed with Bipolar actually a weight lifted off my shoulders, I remember walking out of the appointment with the psychologist and smiling. I rang my partner and told him and even he was like “why are so happy?” After years of not knowing what the hell was wrong with me and why I did the things I did and thought the things I thought, I had an answer to one of the many questions that kept me up at night.
I went home and did my research and that is when it really hit me, and then my smile faded. Fuck, things are not going to get better, are they? There is no fucking cure, this is my life!
I was wrong though, yes there is no cure but things can get better. Bipolar is one part of me and it was part that I needed to find to put me on the right path. Things aren’t perfect and that’s ok because honestly without bipolar I wouldn’t be here. What I mean is, I actually started this blog when I was in a manic cycle and look nearly a year on I’m still here. So thank you bipolar you helped me find my happy place.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Abracadabra! Oh the problem is still there!…

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Hey everyone

We have made it to Wednesday; if you have struggled, like me, this week give yourself a self-high five. I am actually starting to think that someone has been playing a joke on me this week. It is like someone decided to gather a bunch of life lessons lemons in like a wheelbarrow, waited until that moment on Monday morning when I was opening eyes and dumped them on me. They have been hitting me left right and center. I can’t move at the moment without a fucking life lemon hitting me in the fucking face. So if I ever find the person who thought that was a great idea, I will be putting one of those lemons in their fucking…

Anyway, with that slight rant over with let’s carry on. I want to bring up something that I have learned this week.

Tip of the day – You can’t just wave a magic wand.

If only it was so easy as just picking up a wand and poof! Problems have disappeared or probably exploded if magic was real and I was trusted with a wand. Hoping and googling for that magical fix for a problem is probably going to leave you feeling disappointed. Look, we have all been there but this isn’t a Harry Potter book, unfortunately, and let’s be honest even with all that magic at Harry’s fingertips he still had a shit tonne of problems that he couldn’t disappear with a wave of his wand.
Facing something head-on can be daunting and a problem wouldn’t be called a problem if it were easily solved. So lets put down the wands and address the issue because even by acknowledging something is a small step to solving the problem.
For me, I have to stop pushing down my feelings on my relationship with my parents, instead of saying I am fine and yeah I am ok with the fact they don’t bother with me at all, I need to admit to myself no I am not ok. Actually, I am fucking devastated at the state of the relationship and I need to find a way of being ok with it instead of pretending that I am.
Well, that is a story for another night because if I carry on talking about thais problem we will be here all night!
This can also be applied to not only with a problem you see with yourself but with things around you. If you want to spread awareness for something like mental health, or an illness or even a social issue, instead of just liking a post online, help out a charity, stand up and be counted and get your voice heard.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

We may not always get the answers.

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Hey everyone

I have lost something very important to me, well to all of us really, can someone tell me where the weekend went! Honestly, it was here a second ago and then poof, gone! Well, maybe it will be back again soon, in about 5 days hopefully…
Well, let’s get on with the show, what a Monday it has been. I honestly feel quite down today, I have been a bit silly and push something deep down as far as it can go and now it has sprung a leak that has pushed me further into a low cycle. Ah well, we live and learn I guess.
You know what though I am tired of feeling like a broken record, I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, I am tired of the bottomless well of issues, oh fuck it I am just fucking tired!
I know this is mostly the bipolar talking right now but for once I would like to just be left alone from those damn life lessons, lemons, shit whatever you want to call them and just be me.

My tip of the day – We may not always get the answers.

Let’s be real here, things don’t always figure out like you want them too if things did do that then let’s face it, would I be doing this blog right now. No one can give me the answer to why I have bipolar but that doesn’t stop that question from running through my mind. Just like all of you out there my mind is full of whys, how comes and what ifs.  We all wonder why mental illness has to affect our lives. I would love to get the answers to all the questions that run through our heads but I know deep down I won’t. I promise myself and you all, I will never let it stop me from learning, helping and being as cool a fuck!
So as the tears of falling freely from my eyes right now, I have faith that I may not get all the answers but my life won’t always be plagued with never-ending questions, one day I will be free to be me and you will be free to be you.

I won’t let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It’s the one good thing that I’ve got
I won’t let you down
So please don’t give me up
‘Cause I would really, really love to stick around

Freedom! 90 – George Michael

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Take five!

 

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Hey everyone

Hello weekend it is nice to see you again, I have missed you so much well, I have missed being in my pjs so much actually. Even though I can feel the storm brewing of a mood change in the background of my mind, I am feeling pretty positive. Even though these mood cycles are fucking awful, I feel more and more positive my mental health toolbox can handle and give me shelter from the rain.
Even though I have a pretty full weekend, I know I also have to make self-care priority. Whether I just have 5 minutes away from people to gather my thoughts or keeping my notebook on me to keep my tiny victories updated as my day goes on. This is exactly why I am so proud of myself, recognizing the signs and not ignoring them is not so easy and I don’t do it perfectly every time but it is not a race, it’s a marathon.

 

So my tip of the day is – Take five!

I hope you all are doing well and are looking forward to the weekend, remember if you are not doing ok, that is ok also. Whether you are dancing on the ceiling with happiness or crying because you feel the weight of the world on top on your shoulders, except those feelings for what they are as they are yours no one else’s.
The weekend can bring its own unique forms of stress like social gatherings and household chores. Take a break whether you are out with friends or doing the vacuuming, take 5 minutes to yourself to gather your thoughts. Nothing wrong with excusing yourself for a few minutes or taking a sit down between chores to have a cup of coffee or tea, whatever your poison is. Basically take 5 minutes to make you a priority, no one else.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

You can’t paper over the cracks!

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Hey everyone

I have just woken up from a nap and I am ready for bed! Wednesday is the day where you notice your fuel meter is below half way and you are starting to feel a bit sluggish. You know that point between peppy and exhausted, that “eurgh” feeling. I am also supposed to be starting the gym tomorrow, eurghhhhh!!!!!
I am determined to do this though no matter how I am feeling, as I no longer walk up stairs I crawl up them! Like I am on the last few stages of climbing Mount Everest, one day I am going to need an oxygen tank and a flag.
So anyway that’s enough about me and my “eurgh” feeling. Hope everyone is doing well and if not remember not being ok is actually ok. So many of us hear this phrase but forget to apply it to ourselves, including me. We are our own judge, jury and executioner, sometimes we need to just be our own cheering squad. So what you didn’t get out of bed today but that is just one day, try again tomorrow it doesn’t make you the worse person in the world.

 

Tip of the day – You can’t paper over the cracks!

Putting on a smile doesn’t fix how you are feeling, it just makes your face ache and makes you feel worse for ignoring your problems and lying to people that you’re doing great. When you paper over the cracks the cracks are still there getting bigger and spreading and then one day they just fall apart.
No one can force you to fix those cracks, as who likes to do DIY anyway. DIY can be long, hard and honestly annoying as hell. In the long run though, totally worth it. As you will always be able to look at the space where the crack used to be with pride and then with your mental health toolbox in hand, give yourself a self-high five and think, fuck yeah I fixed that!

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

I have issues and you have them too!

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Hey everyone

Sunday fucking night how did we get here? I don’t want to wear clothes again thank you, I want to stay in my pj’s wrapped in my blanket drinking my body weight in tea (and that is a lot of tea) for one more day maybe two, please. Well if that wish doesn’t come true I guess I have to get myself ready to go back into the outside world tomorrow whoop-dee-frickin’-doo!
Sure I could be positive, I could get myself mentally ready, have a bath with some candles, I could if I wanted to but I don’t! I am going to write this post and make myself another tea and watch a film and do my tiny victories list for the weekend.
That’s the thing with recovery and improving oneself you have to want to do it not just do it for the sake of it as what would be the point in doing something that your heart is not in. So don’t feel bad that if you are not doing something positive and motivational, you’re not a greeting card, you’re a human!

Tip of the day – I have issues and you have them too!

It is so easy to fall into that trap of projecting that image of “yay I have a mental illness but look how positive I am”. Come on be realistic no one’s life is all peace and light. Just look at some of my issues:
• I can go months without shaving my legs because honestly, I don’t care I wear jeans anyway.
• I cry at silly things like losing a pen.
• Not only do I have daddy issues I have mommy issues too.
• I am a 29-year-old still scared of the dark and still sleep with a light on if I am alone.
• I eat my feelings a lot.
• My social skills are laughable.

I could go on, trust me, but what I am trying to say is that it is ok! Just have a day off or two from doing everything to motivate yourself. How about just recharging your motivational battery instead of crashing when it runs out.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Don’t run before you can walk!

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Hey everyone

Here we are, nearly at the end of another working week and what an interesting week it has been for me. Sleepless nights, anxiety, magic, happiness, self-loathing and turmoil, these are some of the themes of this week that have taken place in my crazy little mind. No wonder I can feel so mentally exhausted at times that’s a fucking lot of feelings for one person to deal with, thanks again bipolar.
I set myself a task at the start of the week, which was to start walking with my head held high, which is harder than it seems. Whenever I am out in public it is just automatic for me to just tuck my head down and try to make myself as small as possible, but why do I do this?
• Lack of confidence?
• Limited social skills?
• Fear of the world around me?
Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out it is all of the above. It wasn’t like I was going to set this task and wake up the next day and be able to walk around greeting every person with a handshake that passed me with a painted on smile and eye contact. All I want is to just see the world around me, not be the local creep. I don’t want kids walking past my house whispering, that’s where the crazy hand shaking lives, legend has it if you look into her eyes when she shakes your hand your fingers will fall off! (Wow I have an active imagination)

Anyway…

My tip of the day is –

Don’t run before you can walk!

We all have things we want to overcome so we can give ourselves a self-high-five and move onto the next issue. Isn’t that exhausting though trying to solve one issue after another that’s not living, that’s just fucking work! So give yourself a break every now and then to just be you, no changes or improvements just enjoy the achievement you have just made.
It may take me months to achieve walking with my head held high and I am not rushing it, fuck the pile of issues in the corner they will just have to wait for when I am ready to deal with them. As we are just adding to the stress and the worry when we rush our recovery, how about buying a book after you feel liked you have dealt with an issue use that reading time as a break away from the pressure to fix yourself.

Don’t worry, be happy
In every life, we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Bobby McFerrin

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx