I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok.
I wasn’t going to post today hence the late post but because I feel like every part of me is buzzing with emotions andI know that there is no better way for me to get out than putting it here. I am at that point in the storm that my emotions are magnified which doesn’t sound like a bit issue but when it is straight after a point where I couldn’t feel any emotions, it’s extremely overwhelming,
Again it comes to the same thing that bothers me time and time again, the lack of control over this fucks me off! I just want to be able to be alone with my own thoughts and not have that worry somewhere in the background about which road my mind will take.
The watercolour of the mind
I still haven’t figured out if this is down to my anxiety or bipolar, maybe it is both. When I feel my emotional sensitivity is doubled my antenna picks up other people’s emotions. So I end up with what I can only describe as I watercolour painting exploding with different colours inside my mind. Which then makes my job even harder, trying to pick out what is mine and what is not, also what is fact or fiction always ends up giving me a headache.
That feeling of someone else’s mood dripping colour into my mind and mixing with mine to form a new colour and maybe a new emotion to what I was feeling before is fucking annoying. No wonder I can feel so out of sync with myself and lose myself from time to time.
I just want a chance to be free I want to be able to have a blank canvas for the colours I chose to go on there. Maybe one day??
As I was writing this one of my favourite songs came on my playlist and suited the post perfectly so take a listen to Dark Passenger by Daniela Andrade.
You were a call
That I couldn’t put down
You stayed in my mind late into the night
My dark passenger
Take care all