The danger of lighting a candle

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that it is ok not to be ok. So today has sucked and been good at the same time, kind of half full and half empty kind of day. My mood has been pretty stable throughout the day and I have been able to focus on moving forward but there is a ball a chain attached to me slowing me down. It is my moms birthday today and we aren’t on the best of terms and I needed space away from the toxicity of what was going on so today has been so difficult to decide whether I should text her or not. I kept thinking if I unlock the door then it will just burst open and I am ready to open the door again for my parents to come back in my life?
I am fighting two parts of me telling me yes and telling me no, it’s so frustrating I just don’t know what to do, as honestly the bad list outweighs the bad but when it comes to your parents it is not so simple.

Anyway enough about me and my woes, let’s move on to the topic of the day.

The danger of lighting a candle

Now, this may sound silly and random, but you know how they say when you go the bathroom to light a candle afterward to cover up a smell, well that is all you are doing is masking the smell it is not going to go away. When you try to mask how you feel with “I’m fine” and that fake smile, you are not getting rid of the problem you are masking it and if you start lighting more and more candles then eventually you are going to start a fire. Sooner or later you are in breakdown city.
Well, fuck that!
Instead, wear your pain with pride it’s your pain we don’t need a pretty smell to cover it, as your pain does not make you ugly it makes you a human being.

Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx

These are my confessions…

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that it is ok not to be ok. So another working week down for me and I am not going to lie I am fucking ecstatic! I think I have held on to my sanity by the skin of my teeth, as life decided to throw a shit load of lemons my way this week, thanks again for that life when will you listen to me I don’t want to make any lemonade!
So far this week I got visited by these feelings (oh lucky me):
Lonely
Odd
Failure
Twat
Unwanted
Unlovable
Angry

Basically felt royally fucked off by this crazy thing we called life, but you know what I got through these fucked up emotions even though at times I thought I wouldn’t. I didn’t run and hide even though every part of me wanted to do, as why should I take part in life, as life is making it clear it doesn’t want me too? Well I figured out in the end maybe this was n’t even life talking maybe it was just my own personal demons and mental illness.
Well, let’s stay on this honesty train and introduce you all to my latest themed blog post, which will be coming at you every now and then maybe every week who knows!

These are my confessions of the week.

I struggle to form friendships. Making and even keeping friends is difficult for me, I feel like I don’t know how to communicate with other humans to a point where I start thinking there is something seriously wrong with me I am nearly 29 and it is not getting any easier, thank you anxiety!

I give a lot of fucks. We are all guilty of saying you know what I don’t give a fuck when actually we do. I give a fuck if people dislike me I even give a fuck if people like me. I give a fuck about the world and the people in my life. I give a fuck when one of my blog posts completely flops, yep my hands are held up high I confess I am a sensitive person.

I have told more than one lie this week. I have told people I am ok when I am not, guilty as charged. I have been late for a couple of things this week and blamed it on public transport where actually it is because I have had to give me myself a pep talk to even get out of this house as I didn’t want too.

 

Hope you enjoyed my confessions!
Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Burned bridges

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that it is ok not to be ok. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and honestly, I fucking hate my birthday, not because I am getting older, because I have a lot of bad memories connected to my birthday and honestly I don’t think I can go to that dark part of my mind to list them. They are already scratching at the door the closer I get to my birthday so for now, I am cementing that door again till I next go to therapy.

On another note, I did something the other day that may not seem like a big deal but for me it was. I was taking care of my nephews for a few hours and they heard my partner call me by my shortened name and they looked at me confused, I explained to them that is what a lot of people call me. They asked if they could call me that and I said yes, which surprised me, as usually my family calls me by long name but I don’t associate with that name anymore. This is a big step for me to recognize who I am and not what other people tell me who I am supposed to me so self-high five for me!

*RANT WARNING EVERYBODY THIS IS YOUR WARNING CALL A RANT IS ON ITS WAY*

Burned bridges

We all have burnt a bridge or two I know I have! But when you are the one responsible for that bridge being burnt then you should be responsible for rebuilding that bridge right?
I always say this that everything has a positive or negative reaction and shouldn’t we all be responsible for the things we put out there in the world. So can someone explain to me why this is so many people out there setting fire to bridges and looking over to the other person at the other end of that burnt bridge to fix it? How do you learn from that?
If you burnt that bridge then you have two choices, fix it or move in another direction and learn from what has happened. if you are the person whose bridge has been burnt then shouldn’t your choices be to let them rebuild and meet halfway and help or move in another direction?

Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Don’t fake it just make it!

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. Well, the Monday dread has set in, I am not ready for Monday morning at all I am not ready for another week at work and I am not ready to face my problems head-on. There I was honest, unfortunately, there is some unavoidable drama heading in my direction and I can’t change direction because I need to face this head-on. I want to hide behind my anxiety and just give up and hide from the world that has some crappy people in it, but that small spark in me that wants to give those crappy people the finger keeps me from hiding under my covers.
So here I am world scared shitless of what you can do to me but still moving forward no matter what.

So my tip of the day – Don’t fake it just make it!

Where does faking it get you? Is faking just another way of lying to yourself? So many questions but so little time, so why spend so much energy on faking it when you can just be you. So I cry when I am stressed so I can go through times where I eat my feelings and so I can be a little bitchy well a lot bitchy at times that doesn’t mean I can’t make it.
I can make it just being me I don’t need to pretend to be something else to get there. If making it was meant to be easy then would it be worth it in the end? I can and I will fight for myself to get what I want and deserve, the road won’t be easy and I know the hurdle I face next week won’t be the first or the last but I will get over it.

 

Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx

that crazy little thing called love.

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. So the sun is shining but I can still see the clouds in the distance and there is a slight wind of anxiety in the air. Not quite fully recovered but moving in the right direction and I am so glad that I can feel my mind able to focus on different things again, being able to feel joy and excitement creep back in can bring a tear to my eye.
The more I go through these cycles the more grateful I feel for the small things we can take advantage of and the more I feel less torrent to bullshit. Being able to have a better understanding of emotion the more I can sense when something is damaging to me emotionally. I do feel that having bipolar and anxiety has given me a barrier against people, yes that can mean I can push the people I live away and find it hard to connect to people because of that fear of being hurt. It also has protected me against people who did have good intentions towards me, it gives me a chance to read people at a save distance to decide whether that person could get closer to me. I know this all sounds like I am pushing the world away but for me, it is just me adapting to the world around me and not making the same mistake over and over again and trusting so easily.

So to move on to my tip of the day – that crazy little thing called love.

Love is a wonderful thing and is an important thing for a person to grow and learn. Love can bring positive and negative into our lives but we have to be able to take the god with the bad or we don’t feel what love can do for us. I have felt unloved and loved in my life so far and both parts have taught me something about myself and also how I treat others. Love is crazy and shouldn’t really have a definition, as no love is the same, as the way I love my boyfriend is different to the way I love reading.
Love is crazy and unexplainable so why try to label it because it can fit into many boxes.

Take care,

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Are you afraid of the dark?

 

93614-Helen-Keller-Quote-Oh-you-think-the-darkness-is-your-ally-but-you.jpgHey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. There is only the odd cloud in the sky now and I am relishing in the sunlight, I no longer fear the darkness, as I know daylight soon follows. This is the thing though it sucks having a mental illness, to put it bluntly, but I do feel because of my mental illness I am able to understand a lot better without the downs how do we recognize when we are up? So just how I am bathing in the sunlight today, one day I will learn not to be so afraid of the dark. I find it quite ironic that life can be a bit of a rollercoaster at times, as I hate rollercoasters. Life is full of twists and turns and highs and lows but eventually, your feet find the ground again it just takes time.

My tip of the day is –

Don’t be afraid of the dark.

Darkness can strike fear in the strongest man and bring them to their knees. There is no control in the darkness so anything can happen, you lose many things in the dark but you also can gain. Where do you think bravery and determination come from, the darkness doesn’t also have to end in something negative you can grow in the dark. When you find yourself in the darkness you are scared and lost but when you eventually find your way out, you are no longer afraid you are a warrior who has come home from battle a little wounded, yes, but stronger than you were before.
There are many different analogies I could use for this I could compare it to Bane or even bears hibernating. The darkness can show you the way; you just have to depend on the other senses you necessary wouldn’t normally depend on.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

We can fall apart but we can also fall back together.

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. Well the storm is settling and I can finally hold my face up to the rain and smile, I can taste the raindrops on my tongue with no fear of being struck by lightning. The best thing about this is the emotional intensity is decreasing and the levels are going back to normal, well whatever that is. I can do all those small emotional things like smile and frown without the worry it is going to turn into something more extreme. Having that small bit of control back gives my life back to me and not to my bipolar and anxiety and that feels fucking amazing.
Now I have my demons back on a short leash I can concentrate better, my mind is no longer foggy and I can look at the bigger picture instead of the small one the fog was showing me.

We can fall apart but we can also fall back together.

Things fall apart from time to time lets face it; no one can say they haven’t had things go wrong. It is so easy to focus on the walls crumbling down around us instead of seeing that the rumble is turning into something new and even different at times. Falling apart is not the end of the world, it may be a new chapter in our life’s beginning.
New beginnings are painful and honestly irritating as fuck but necessary, how can we move forward if we are stuck in the past.

 

 

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx