wash it all away!

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. The walls are closing in I can feel it, as the dark clouds start forming above my head. The warning signs are blaring and even if you are able to acknowledge them and use your mental health toolbox to fight it away, sometimes you just can’t. I feel like I have been doing everything right to fight off a storm but sometimes a storm has to happen. It is like you are pressing refresh on yourself; the storm can do good and wash away the emptiness you are feeling once it is over.
I know it is hard to see a positive side to a low cycle but for me, I was stuck and I couldn’t feel anything and I knew a cycle was coming I just didn’t know when or if it was a low or manic one. Now I know, I am ready to battle with whatever the storm throws my way.

So my tip of the day is – wash it all away!

I sometimes feel like I don’t recognize whom I am or who I have become. I can be a right bitch but also a shining angel. I was not surprised when I got my bipolar diagnosis I have always felt like there were two sides to me. This tip is something that can give me a little balance during hard times.
I was a self-harmer for a good portion of my life and I never thought I would be able to stop but here I am 6 years down the line and no self-harm! So this is my tip of how I overcome things that are too much for me to handle and I feel that urge to harm and it is also a great tool to have in your toolbox for anxiety.
I will write everything that I am feeling that is negative on my hands and arms doesn’t matter if it is paragraphs or just a few words. I will then go in the shower and let the water away my pain. There is something so therapeutic to see the words wash away into nothingness. Give it a try because what have you got to lose?
I have a feeling I am going to squeaky clean over the next week or so!

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Unplug from the matrix

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. I have spent the last few days away from my social media and focusing on myself. I needed some extra time and care just to work my way through the fog in my mind and it has helped. I think taking away the distraction of social media forced me to deal with myself and not with the people around me. I really think the people I have connected with on social are great people but I really needed some me time and not scrolling time. I have learned by doing this is how I easily will distract myself instead of facing things head on, it is so easily done though. Now that I am facing things a bit more head on and I continue to switch off from social media once in a while I think my smile will be back.

Obviously, I think my tip of the day should be – unplug from the matrix

Social media is a great tool and one I will say is in my mental health toolbox, I have connected with a lot of people who I wouldn’t have without social media. I also believe I have had so much support and help from the people I have connected with too. The problem is with modern society today mix that with anxiety it is so easy to get a bit caught up and lost in the scrolling. I know I have at points questioned my recovery and even my life by comparing them to other people’s on here.
So I seriously recommend at least once a month unplug from the matrix a for a couple of days and spend time with you instead of worrying about uploading schedules. As we can easily hide from ourselves when we are plugged in but not so easy when we are not.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Don’t let the what if but your end of.

 

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. Goodbye, stupid cold doesn’t let the door hit you in the way out it feels so good not to be surrounded by a sea of tissues, I even thought the little walk I had in the pouring rain would keep it around a little longer, but luckily that wasn’t the case. Still a little foggy when it comes to my mind though right now, I feel nothing that’s the simplest way I can put it. I have gone from feeling everything intensely to feeling nothing at all and honestly it is a scary place to be. When you feel nothing it is like you are no one and struggle to engage and connect with the people around you. Oh, the bipolar mind what an interesting web your weave so many twists and turns and dead ends, no wonder I can get so lost at times.

Well, lets move on to my tip of the day – don’t let the what if but your end of.

Anxiety, we all know what a bitch it can be, life if anxiety was a person I would punch them in the face repeatedly. I can get so trapped in a vicious circle of anxiety that I can get to a point of I don’t know where it started so how the hell am I suppose to figure out when it ends?
One of the main things anxiety pulls out of her bag of tricks it’s that damn question, what if? What if they don’t like me? What if I fail? What if I fall over or say something stupid? Eurgh, it is frustrating just thinking about those stupid what ifs! So it is down to us to throw a curve ball into that vicious circle with the occasional what if things will be ok? A negative what if can really end a good idea so for every negative what if try and throw in 2 positive what if and create your own end to that vicious cycle.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Let the storm wash away the ones who walk away.

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. Well, I am still feeling a bit crappy but over the worst of it with the cold. As for my mood, on the other hand, well like I said on twitter it only takes a drop of anxiety to cause a storm. I am so tired of the same pattern of once something is out of my control my mind goes into meltdown, I just can’t seem to break the pattern yet and I emphasize the yet as I know one day I will. The best thing I did is while I was on the train I wrote down all the negative thoughts on my hand, so when I got home and had my shower to wash my day away it washed away the thoughts too. As an ex-self-harmer, I find this is a great way of replacing that eurgh.

Well, today’s post as I hinted on my social media is about my abandonment issues. It is quite common for someone with bipolar to have those types of issues plus mixing that with the demons from my past, I can’t run from these issues no matter how hard I do. Abandonment issues can leak into my anxiety and my bipolar so it seems to be everywhere I turn.

My tip of the day is – let the storm wash away the ones who walk away.

I pretty certain I know where my abandonment issues come from, I never felt like I fit in anywhere even with my family. I felt it was so easy for people to turn their back on me when times got tough. I know this is just my side of the story and I know I am no angel but when all I wanted was love and people’s time I don’t feel like I was asking too much. I have had friends and family walk away from me when times have got tough and this has influenced me later on in life by either not getting to close to people or constantly worry when I do let them in they will leave like everyone else.

This has taught me a tough lesson is that the people who have remained are the people who can handle the storm and will buckle down with me until it passes. My siblings, my boyfriend and a handful of friends are all I need. simply why do I want people in my life who get scared of a bit of rain?
Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Why Is The Word

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. The fight is over the cold is just sniffle now but now flu has hit my household and the boyfriend who is rarely ill, is now fully under the weather now. This means I have spent most my evening playing nurse I just wish I could have some of the bed back! I am not sure how I am feeling at the moment, it is times like this I hate feeling so unsure about my own mind. Why isn’t it simple for me to know what is going on upstairs like come on I am not asking for much am I. well I am back in the middle of a see-saw and I don’t know which way I am going to go.
Ah well, lets move on to some less moaning, hopefully. The positive part is that, yes it can go either way at the moment but I am not on the negative end so let’s just try to enjoy the ride as much as I can.

Today’s post is about one of my 3 letter words…. WHY

For me I find having a mental illness it means I ask this why a lot, like why me? Why do I feel like this? Why don’t people care and why did I do that? I also think it is probably the most used word in the dictionary as can you think of any day you have not asked why?
Why is such an important to use though, if used in the right way. If we don’t ask why then we don’t learn. Remembering to use why in the right way is hard, like when anxiety hits ask yourself why are you feeling this way and why are these negative thoughts more important than the positive.
It really is a world of why! I now have a why page in my bullet journal, I think it is a great way of learning and understanding what you need answers on. Sometimes the answer is why not and sometimes the answer can be something interesting and new about something I never knew before. So never be afraid to ask why now and then!

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx

A Letter To Me

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok. I am still fighting this bloody cold but I am feeling better I have my sense of smell back! Woohoo, actually I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing considering I live with a boy! Still feeling pretty good though, considering there have been a few stressful things for me going on at the moment. I feel there has been a difference in my mindset recently I think I have come to terms with certain things with my life that are out of my control and will always be out of my control. The outcome of this is that I have realized that I had to for my own sanity find a better way of dealing with them rather than letting them consume my every waking thought.

Today’s post is another one focusing on the truth and I haven’t done this for a while and I thought I would write another letter to myself. This letter is not for the younger or the older me this is just a letter for myself for when things get too much. It is for when I feel like I want to deal with life anymore. I think this is a useful letter to have in your mental health toolbox as who knows you better than you.

Dear me,

So here you stand, broken in so many ways, you may be broken but you are so far from weak. I could tell you to just suck it up as things are not that bad but I live inside that head and that is the worse thing to say to you isn’t it. I know you wish you didn’t feel so much and that you with you cut your emotions out of you completely but then you wouldn’t be you. I wish I could tell you things get better but I don’t know that they will but I do know you are more than capable of overcoming anything thrown at you as you have been doing it for 28 years. I could go into detail about where this pain comes from but we both know where it does so what is the point in dragging that up. Just know this you have shown not only yourself but others around you, that you a strong and a force to reckon with at times. So hibernate do some self-care but and close this chapter in your ever-changing life.

P.S
Tell depression and anxiety to go fuck themselves and that the time inside your mind is running out fast!

 

Take care

Vixxy rose
Xxx

Just be You

 

img_1443Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not remember that is ok not to be ok.
Still fighting this stupid cold eurgh! I have been spending most evenings curled up in my pajamas drinking tea in bed surrounded by a sea of tissues. But that’s the winter for you cold and flu season it is not the first and I am sure it won’t be the last cold I have. I just hope I am better soon as there is nothing worse than being in a good head space but then physically not so good. So send me your good vibes people!

So the thing that has inspired today’s post I something I have come across on a lot in my daily life and on social media.

My tip of the day is – Just be you.

We can easily get sucked into other people’s whirlwind and it can get to a point where we start comparing our lives to theirs. You only have to have a catch up with a friend or see a picture on Instagram and the cogs start turning in our mind. I think it is just human nature everybody does it from time to time, but when you are dealing with a mental illness, for instance, anxiety, those kinds of thoughts can be damaging, This is where a fleeting thought can turn into a trigger for something more mentally straining and snowball into a dangerous place. You know it could be as simple as someone posting a picture of their food they have just cooked. Instead of an “oh that looks nice I wish I had that, as I wish I had that, why can’t I cook like that? Am I an awful cook? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be like them? Why am I me?
See the snowball effect can lead you down a hill that is so hard to climb back up. The reason you are not them is you are it is that simple. We are not clones we are all individuals and it is not even about the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It is about well what if I don’t what my grass to be green what if I what pink instead because that is me. We are all guilty of comparing ourselves to other people, I am not as smart as them or as good looking or even as successful. You were put here to be you not them. So be you embrace the good and the but fuck it, it’s your life.

Take care all

Vixxy rose
Xxx