Am I good?

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Hey everyone

I hope everyone is doing good and if you not ok remember that is ok too. So stated on Twitter recently that I have the urge to write more and more, so i have started writing short stories and poetry again. Well actually just writing what pops into my head and redesigning it, i guess into something beautiful.

So here is something I have written recently, its only short and I hope you enjoy it, and if you want me to post more let me know 🙂

Am I a good?

I smile I laugh I breathe 

I count the seconds the minutes the hours

I pause I stop I break

 

I am girl who everyone wants to be around

The same girl people can avoid

I am the girl who needs validation

The same girl who tells the world to go fuck itself

 

Pain never feels the same

I eat I cry I scream

I just want to restart my brain

I run I push I fall

 

I am the girl left broken into pieces

Not sure what piece goes where

I am the girl with a battle going on inside

The same girl who will say I am ok

 

I cut I bleed I drink

I need to find that strength within

I fight I battle I will win

 

Take care,

 

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Taste The Rainbow

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Hey everyone

Hope everyone is doing well, and if not remember that is ok too. The last few days apart from a few moments of anxiety I am feeling my normal annoying self. I have my spark back a little, I know it is a fine line between feeling good and warning signs of a high cycle but touch wood it’s just me feeling ok. Isn’t funny that people with mental illness always question their mind, that we always either think the worse or over think something in what we are feeling to the point it starts to feel too good to be true.
So instead of most minds where thinking can be black and white and maybe some grey, I feel people with mental health have a mind like a rainbow. Instead of the pretty rainbow in the sky that we see now when you try to fit that in someone’s head, its fucking chaos.

This brings me on to a tip of the day – every rainbow has a pot of gold

Yes, it is irritating as hell to have a mind that can think a million things at once and most the time the thoughts can be against you. They are the jealous green thoughts, which think you are not good enough, other people are better, then you. Green usually teams up with blue thoughts, which are the ones that make you feel empty and broken. Of course, there are red thoughts, which are the ones that make you angry with yourself for being different and the world for not excepting it. I could go on and on but don’t want to bore you, as you get the gist, chaos!

I think it is important though to remember that a rainbow mind comes with a pot of gold, we have chaos but we also have a lot of love and care in us. We can over think a situation but we can also put ourselves in another person’s shoes and think how something can affect them. Not many people do that these days, people seem to judge others so quickly if they don’t do things that are classed as “normal”.

So embrace the rainbow and remember there is a pot of gold at the end of it, everything will be ok in the end and if is not ok remember it is not the end.

Let your rainbow sparkle people!

Take care,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

The Little Things

 

1191df5aab6ef4966cbf50478d6a34eb--happy-things-things-i-love.jpgHey everyone

Hope everyone is doing ok and if you not, remember that is ok too. Well here we are another Monday nearly done with, and you know what it did not make me want to pull my teeth out and cry into my tea, now that is a win. I am feeling myself a lot more today, I feel like I can breathe and the world isn’t dowsed in black and grey. I love that feeling of getting my mind back, no more dark cloud of depression making me feel empty and alone, no more bitch of anxiety making me feel paranoid and worthless. Will it last long? I don’t know, I just know that I will embrace it and try not to worry when the dark cloud and the bitch get past the bouncer in my mind.

So a new week, new challenges, new goals and a new tip of the day- wake up and smell the flowers!

I think that is so easy to get lost in the tangled web of our minds, that when we get free we worry about getting tangled we forget about enjoying the view from the web.
We need to relax, yes it is easier said than done, but it can be as easy as enjoying the small things in life. The moments we forget to take a step back and just stop and enjoy. Whether it is the first cup of tea or coffee in the morning or the 10 minutes of quiet in the shower, embrace the good time’s people.

If you feel like there isn’t any though, no matter how hard you look then make them, make some time for yourself doing things that you enjoy, like watch an old movie you love, put your feet up when you come home for 15 minutes and enjoy some you time, as you deserve it.

I am going to set myself a goal this week of creating my own joyful small moment each day, as life is stressful enough and why not make it a little stressful with joyful moments. I am going to be my own hero as the only person that can save me is me.

Sorry for a short post I am going to be posting a lot more this week and I have some great posts planned.

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

Keep That Nose Out

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Hey everyone

Hope everyone is doing ok and if you are not ok, well that is ok too. Well, I am tired and hungry so I guess that means I am HANGRY! I do have a big appetite at the moment due to a lot of comfort eating at the moment so I am trying to reign myself back in, which is so hard. I am at that point where everything looks like food, you know like in the movies and TV shows where you’re talking to someone and they turn into a hotdog. But I will get there, food is a crutch that I am trying to kick away, easier said than done.

So I am still going through some ups and downs, but slowly getting back up that hill. Right now I know my problem is I am not focused on myself, I need to start being a little selfish and put my self-care first once in a while. Anyone with mental health illness especially bipolar, you kind of have a fear of people walking away from you built into your illness. Hence why I always want to make sure the people around me are ok even if it means I am not.

So this leads me to a tip of the day… Keep that nose where it is!

I am so guilty of putting my big nose into other people’s business so many times, and it has 75% of the time it has just put me in the firing line. I can say hand on heart when I have done this it has always been with good intentions, but when you are caught up in a situation those good intentions are just none existent.
Let’s look at it, when you put yourself in a situation that has nothing to do with you, you end up causing yourself unnecessary stress and anxiety. Which then snowballs into low moods and paranoia and then around you go in a vicious cycle.

I can’t stress this enough, why add more to the weight you carry on your shoulders? I am going to take my own advice because I am sick and tired of being put in the middle of situations that have nothing to do with me. Be a friendly ear for people and give advise but that is where the line is drawn. My mental health is so precious to me and I will no longer put that at risk anymore. We have our own battles to face why fight other people’s, because really would they fight yours??

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

The Comfort Blanket Can Also Strangle

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Hey everyone,

I hope you all are doing ok and if you are not ok well remember that’s ok too. Well, I think my mood has now really turned a good corner, sometimes though when it does that I worry that I am going into a manic cycle. So I am trying my best to keep my feet firmly on the ground.

I thought today I would talk about “crutches”. What I mean by this if you don’t know, many people including myself have crutches that they use when they are trying to get better or to lean on while they are dealing with a difficult time. I didn’t realize my crutches were my crutches until my first therapist explained it to me a few years ago. I have positive crutches, which are my music, reading, my care box etc.
Crutches can be a marvelous thing and really help during a difficult time. But sometimes those crutches get used so much that they become a part of the problem. So something that can start as a positive can slowly become into a negative, I believe some of my crutches have turned from a positive to a negative.
I believe I have an addictive personality and I have used some straight out negative crutches in the past like self-harm, smoking, drinking and even sex. While those are obvious ones that are straight out bad to lean on, it’s the ones that start out good and turn bad are just as equally dangerous.
For example, for me my music is a massive crutch, I will use it when I am out and about and when I am feeling low. What started off as a distraction from my social anxiety and my feeling’s slowly turned into an addiction. There have been times I have realise I have forgot my headphones when I have started to head out somewhere. I have caused myself anxiety and panic to a point I have turned around and gone home to get them, even if it meant that I was late going somewhere.

This brings me onto a tip of a day really, which is “self-control”.

Yes a comfort blanket is great and nothing beats that’s feeling of escaping reality for a bit and forgetting what is going on around, but you can’t use that comfort blanket 24/7 as it will start getting stinky and need to go in the wash. Then as soon as it is gone then it is a hard fall back to reality, and then you are back at square one and need that comfort again. So self-control is needed as we can be so wrapped up in the blanket and we end up being strangled by it. Learn to use positive crutches when we need them, because why add to your list of problems to overcome. Keep the positives positive and negatives far away from you as possible.

Take care,

Vixxy Rose
xxx

My Mental Health Toolbox

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Hey everyone,

Hope everyone is doing well and if you are not remember that is ok too. So as you all know I have been in a really bad funk of a low cycle and it has really taken its toll on me. I am one of those people when I get mentally run down I can get physically run down and now due to a bad cold I have developed laryngitis, so sadly I have lost my voice :(. I may have physically lost my voice but I haven’t lost my voice on here, it was recently mental health awareness day and it was great to see the response and the support of people. But to me every day should be mental health awareness day, I will never stop trying to destroy the stigma to mental health and support not only myself but also others going through a mental illness.

So today I want to talk a little bit about medication, I have been asked a lot by people how do I cope not being on medication? Well, I have been on medication on and off for years and during the times I am not on medication prescribed to me I take a lot of herbal supplements. I have got to a point again where I know I will need to go medication again I have an appointment with my psychologist next week to determine what medication is going to be best.
Being on medication doesn’t make you weak and I know a lot of people feel like it is, but I know in myself I get to a point that I can’t keep fighting things on my own I need help. For instance if  you decide to do a boxing match you don’t just put on your boxing gloves and do it, you train to prepare your body for the task. It’s the same with mental illness you cant just wake up one day and be like ok I just beat it today, sadly not that simple you need the right tools to do so. But if people would like me to do a post on the natural supplements I take just drop me a message and a comment and I will do one :).

Tackling mental illness takes many different tools, try to picture a toolbox and think what would go in it.

This is mine:

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I have talking, therapy, friends, medication, research, and hope! I know I will gain tools and lose tools over time, but what is in your toolbox?

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx

 

Don’t call me crazy!

 

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Hey everyone,

Well it’s nearly another week down, am I the only person who is thinking how is it October already? Well at least that means Christmas is only round the corner :). I hope everyone is feeling well and if you not, then remember that is ok too. I think I am in between; I am neither well nor not well. Which is good because I think I have definitely turned a corner, since these last few weeks have been so hard.
Well there was one thing that angered me this week…

Tip of the day actually no tip of the century- don’t call me fucking crazy!

There is sadly still a lot of people out there who are still very closed minded and think mental health issues are just a load of nonsense, well I had a run in with one of those people.
I was having a conversation with someone who I see on my bus everyday and usually we get on just fine the usual chit-chat like, how are you? English weather eh what a pain in the ass. Well the other day a man got on my bus that is one of those people who everyone knows in the local area. This man is well-known to have mental health issues and unfortunately we live in a world where apparently that is everyone else’s business. Well this person turned around and scoffed at me and grunted fucking crazy people!
Ohhhh did I see fucking red, I grunted straight back fucking closed-minded people. Said person looked at me utterly confused, I sat up from my sit and moved as far away from her as I could.
This made me think a lot about how acceptable it seems to be to call a person crazy, a lot of people say it in passing and its generally laughed at. But if a person was to comment on someone’s colour, sexual orientation, age and even size, most the time and I am not saying all the time, there is an uproar. But when a person is called crazy that is ok? Fuck that!
People with mental health are not fucking crazy and from my experience they are the most caring, sensitive and giving people in this world. They deal with invisible illness that controls every aspect of their life and most the time do it with a smile.
Well rant over, but seriously things do need to change with the way it is acceptable in society to make fun of someone with mental health issues, it shouldn’t be ok or the norm to call people crazy. But you know what I rather be classed as a crazy person then a closed-minded hypercritical asshole who thinks it is ok to judge another human being by an illness they have no control over having, see it is not nice being judged. So really am I the crazy one or is that you? Ok rant wasn’t quite over with but it is now.

Take care all,

Vixxy Rose

xxx